Personally I HATE roller coasters - always have - and I expect I always will. I avoid them like the plague -- but sometimes life sticks you on one - straps you in -- and the most you can do is hang on for dear life and hope the ride will end soon and you can get off on wobbly legs.
On Friday the weekend looked like a good one. On Saturday I was going to the Halloween luncheon that the building owners hold every year. From what I see this is a very social apartment building - from exercise classes twice a week - coffee and cake on Wednesdays - to halloween parties and Christmas parties and god only knows what else. The luncheon was impressive! The two building managers spent god only knows how much time and energy making platters and platters of halloween themed food. I certainly appreciated the work they did. The other tenants were .......... interesting I have to say. One greeted me with "Where is your costume?" that almost sent me scurrying back to my apartment - but there were others who welcomed me and were friendly. I even got talked into joining the "games group" and will be going to my first Euchre game this evening.
Sunday mini me came for lunch. I was up early tidying up the apartment and making a quick / easy lunch of open faced sandwiches and salad. We had a great time (as we always do) catching up on each other's news and mid afternoon we went off to visit other friends who have just moved. All in all a great Sunday.
Until.................
Sunday evening alone again in my apartment I was browsing the net..... went on Fetlife and read an excellent piece about the difficulties of recovering from a broken relationship/broken heart. I could see myself in her writing (of course any writing about a broken heart speaks to me) Then I noticed a "friend" had liked a picture W put up......... a picture of his building a "play room" complete with cross / spanking bench and floggers hung on the wall.
I went from quietly content and happy to angry .. to knots in my stomach.. to feeling tossed by the road side - to feeling that I'd been lied to again!!! That bloody emotional roller coaster again............. how I hate it !!!
I kept running over and over in my head how he told me he didn't have BDSM in him anymore (even though I found out / knew he was playing with other women even before I left) and yet he is building a play room !!! I could see (in my mind's eye) lil subbie subs lining up to play in the room........ and the ugly question why wasn't I good enough??!! and the downward spiral again dragging me down down down........... and the internal dialogue screaming at me "I am not good enough - not sexy enough - too old - too demanding - too too too..................... " the list is endless.
I cried.
Again.
When I say this healing process is gonna be a long road -- it really is -- gonna be a long long long ride on the emotional roller coast
Morningstar,
ReplyDeleteIt has nothing to do with you. You deserve someone who is honest with you. All the time. And he obviously wasn't. So yeah, he's the one who wasn't good enough. You have every right to want someone who will recognize you for the treasure you are, and will be honored to help you fulfill every single one of your dreams, kinky or not.
I know what it is to see a long-held hope disappear, to realize people weren't who or what you believed they were. Instead of getting all wound up in why you weren't good enough (you were!), try thinking of this as confirmation that you were right to leave. Because he didn't tell you the truth. And you deserve so much better than that.
"lil subbie subs lining up to play in the room...."and the internal dialogue screaming at me "I am not good enough - not sexy enough - too old - too demanding"
ReplyDeleteLining up to play??? Well, If you're not sexy enough and too old, what about him? Even though men age better (?) he can't be now that sexy and probably is also old himself.
So, don't worry, dear Morningstar, we're all getting old, W as well.
And do stop getting so teary about things past.
Morningstar;
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something I could say to help you out of those downward spirals...
And how sad I am that *he* wasn't good enough for you. That's how I see it. At every turn in Kingston, he's done something to hurt you; not accepted you for who you are, your needs, or all your work to be healthier. And his web activity...the public outing, the drivel he posted about how he never meant to hurt you... He's (become?) selfish and manipulative. And that makes him not good enough for *you*.
(If you choose not to post this -- I totally get it. I'm not being "PC" about what I've seen his activities do to you... But I do think you deserve better.)
A playroom with a bench and cross and floggers on the wall? That sure sounds familiar...
ReplyDeleteDon't let the negative self-talk get to you! Keep doing things to feed your soul, like the ballet, maybe read some poetry or listen to great music. I don't know why W's judgment means so much to you, after everything that has happened, I wouldn't trust him to judge a pie contest.