I have been working on a blog entry "24/7" for a week or so now... adding a little bit more each day - editing and adding more.... wanting it to say everything that
Then yesterday "anonymous" posted a comment that hit me upside the head......... he/she said "I'll tell you a secret most people who have never lived with their Dom/Master don't realise: if you're not careful, you can wind up doing less BDSM than if you maintained separate homes. There's always the idea that "ooh you live together, you lucky thing!"... it doesn't work like that."
and that comment made me go "ummmmmmmmmmm".....
It's not that they didn't write anything I didn't already know - after all I was married for a number of years and tried my damnedest to keep that marriage alive - so I know all about "date nights" and "making time for one another". I guess it just never occurred to me that the same principals should/ could be applied to a D/s relationship. I guess I never thought one could become complacent in a D/s relationship. I guess I figured the dom - in this case W - would take control 24/7 - lead the charge sort of thing - and I would just run along behind.......................
That's obviously not what's happening. I have been struggling with just how vanilla our life is.
Now do NOT get me wrong............ I am not unhappy - I love W as much today as I did when I moved here - if not more.............. it's just this living together is not quite how I saw it in my mind's eye............. my fantasy. (oh hell - and we vowed this would be real life - our way - no more fantasies!!)
But it is very difficult to try and be a "good subbie" - to serve and be respectful - and all those things that people expect from a subbie - when I feel like I am working in a vacuum.
And it doesn't help when I read some of your blogs - where there is all this BDSM going on - seemingly 24/7 - and ok yeah I 'll admit it.. I am damn jealous. I can't help but think I worked this hard - waited this long - to have this relationship and now ......now it feels as though something is missing.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh well - I will continue to edit and add to my original 24/7 blog - it may happen that it will never see the light of day - but it may just help me to sort out the occasional emptiness - confusion - loneliness I feel.
There is "taking " charge and then there is "taking "...
ReplyDeleteW
Anonymous here again.. :) I'm glad what I said yesterday helped a little bit. Just want to say one thing. you hit the nail on the head with all the blogs where all this BDSM is going on. you said: "seemingly". absolutely bang on the head with that word.
ReplyDeleteyou know as well as I do that blogs are a very very skewed insight into the life of someone - your readers only see the parts of your life that you allow, and even then, only a tiny bit. Think about kaya's blog and how often she complained about fearing falling into vanilla-land and not having BDSM scenes for one reason or another? To me, that's far more real than some blog that's proclaiming that said Dominaint whipped his submissive 350 times before breakfast... !!
try not to be jealous - you and W are making new lives for yourselves, new rules, and you're doing fantastically well, I started reading you way back, about 6 or 7 years ago and I've been with you through the breakup, through the retirement process. Its lovely to see you chasing your dreams - don't give up on them now. you can do it. :)
One last thought - and this is something I'm beginning to realise for myself as well - that maintenance is a necessary. not just in terms of communication and stuff (although that is so important) but also in terms of sex (and I include BDSM in that, for want of a better word). I think its important to identify, for each of you, what is the absolutely crucial thing you cannot go without on a regular basis? for some it might be a spanking, for others it might be the submissive doing some form of service that helps to ground them in their submission or dominance. And that's just as important as date night. it could be a little thing on a daily basis, but done with thoughtfulness instead of carelessness, it can be a big grounding thing that helps you not to feel as though you're working in a vaccum.
right. now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and talk to my other half about this because I think we need to put this into place ourselves... :) thank you - you've helped me crystalise some of what i've been thinking and feeling for the last few weeks :)
xx