Fluff.......

My mother or grandmother or someone used to say "if you haven't got anything nice to say.... don't say anything"....

Well it is kinda like that right now with me..... it isn't that i don't have anything "nice" to say...... it's more that i don't have anything TO say........

The doctors told me it would take 24 hours to recuperate from the biopsy.... yesterday was a wash out.. i napped most of the day - and wrote some cheeky assed emails to friend Buffalo...... Today i was hoping i would be jumping out of bed - glad for the extra day off - and rushing off to get my flu shot, finish off the Christmas shopping, and doing some groceries. Rushing home to put stuff away.. shower and prepare dinner all in anticipation of Sir's arrival.... AND .. i had visions of getting ready to go out tonite with Sir to the first of 2 (count 'em two)
play parties this weekend.

Instead i am sitting huddled over the pc .. coffee cup in hand... rubbing my sore tummy and wondering how i will manage a shower .. never mind the running around.. never mind the parties ... sometimes life sucks ya know that??

Anyway... i honestly did not intend to get started on how i feel yucky..... i did want to say i found yet another online quiz.. (they are wonderful things that fill up a blog post without too much effort or thought) and sometimes.. not always.. but sometimes they reveal just a little bit about the person who writes the blog.......

Magdala - who i thought i had gone missing - has returned (which reminds me i should change her link information ) and today she posted a quiz about your sign.... and yeah yeah i know.. your horoscope sign hasn't been in since - when?? the 80's?? but i am a sucker for stuff like that....... my grandmother firmly believed in gypsy fortune tellers and the stars and tea leaves to predict the future.. so i guess it is in my blood.

Anyway.. all of that is to say.. i took the quiz and here i post the results for your reading pleasure........ (maybe tomorrow - which is the 1st day of holidailies by the way - i will be up and running and posting about floggers and whips and paddles oh my !!!)

oh by the way..... i "love" being called 'adorable' - 'extremely adorable' is even better !!!

Holiday Announcement...

i have registered for the Holidailies.. (ok ok i am a sucker for punishment)
They start December 1st and go right through till January 1st...

And in honour of this challenge....AND the holiday season.. i am going to start "decorating" The Journey. Well i guess i sorta have, kinda have, started decorating.. but i am gonna finish it off this week... all set for Saturday's official start to the holiday writing challenge.

In honour of the season.. i took a little test (i found on some site or other and i apologize cause for the life of me i can't remember who to give credit to) It will surprise no one that knows me.. that i am "Christmas"!!

Enjoy.. you might even want to take the test and see what holiday you are.... (and no there isn't a "grinch" or "scrooge" result !!)

You Are Christmas

More than most people, you are able to find magic in life's small moments. Traditions mean a lot to you, and you tend to be quite nostalgic. You are a giving, kind person who really understands the true meaning of holidays. You inspire others to be as altruistic and caring as you are. What makes you celebrate: Tradition and a generous spirit At holiday get togethers, you do best as: The storyteller. You like to recount memories with everyone. On a holiday, you're the one most likely to: Give a gift to everyone you know

What Holiday Are You?

That's life

i am not sure why.. but i do not bruise....... oh i may bleed occasionlly.. but i do not bruise.. no matter how hard or how long Sir hits me. i do however get hard spots on my ass... round hard spots... compression bruises i think they are called....... but there is nothing to see...... and that is a problem because........ Sir doesn't see it as a bruise and has absolutely no sympathy......... (and as Sir says.. "that is a problem because.......??)

Saturday night Sir used the cane....... the crop....... the tawse and His hands on my ass for a good hour or so... when it was over i had two identical hard spots on each ass cheek. At the end of it all.. Sir was sitting beside me on the floor .... asking me if i had had fun...... i looked at Him with a cheeky grin saying "no .. no .. no.. i didn't like it at all.. i HATE the cane" and then i grabbed His hand and thrust it between my legs... saying.. "see how much i hated it" and then i burst out in embarrassed giggles.. i do NOT do things like that.. E V E R ! (the devil made me do it .. i swear!)

Sunday morning my ass felt tight and sore ........ Sunday morning Sir decided i needed more cane... have i said i HATE the cane?? i do you know... it is thin and whippy and hurts like hell. Sir seemed to have it in His head that He wanted marks....... at one point while the cane is swishing across my ass.. i got to hear how kaya gets these nice marks from her whoopings.. lisa gets lovely welts from the back of her knees upward......... and come hell or high water.. Sir was gonna see lovely marks on my ass and thighs too !!! (did i mention i do NOT bruise??? did i mention i don't mark??? did i mention i just get hard round spots that can't be seen only felt??)

After another good 30 minutes of the cane.. and the crop.. i was dripping wet and wishing for all the world that Sir would fuck me.. but ...Sir went downstairs to work on the trains... i went downstairs to do laundry and work on the scenery...... Sir kept telling me i was clumsy and awkward.. and a bit foggy......... can i say "duh"???

Sunday afternoon Sir decided i needed more cane and more crop.......... i really tried to convince Him that i honestly didn't need anymore..... i honestly didn't... my ass was so tight and sore.. it hurt to sit on a cushion for heaven's sakes !!! But over the foot stool i went.. ass in the air.. and the caning started all over again....... i yelped .. i wiggled.. i sighed.. and finally i was thrusting my ass out at Sir.. wishing He would notice how wet i was.. wishing He would "fix" the problem....

Sir used the tip of the cane to tease me.. running it over my red hot ass... tickling that spot... you know which one.. the one at the base of the spine........ where gentle touches from just about anything will have me begging to be fucked.. begging i say !! (how lady-like is that??!!)

Sir would stroke that spot with the cane.. and when my ass would be stuck out about as far as it would go.... and wiggling with desire.. the cane would swoop down and across it making me yelp and pull it back in....... tease.. hit.. tease .. hit ..

Finally when i thought i would go out of my mind.. not sure what i was feeling anymore.. pain or need.. or pleasure.. Sir dropped down behind me.. forcing my legs apart.. pushing my head down on the ottoman and slamming into me ... ever so roughly...... ever so nicely.. making me moan and whimper and gasp for air.

i could hear the slurp slurp sounds coming from me... those embarrassing noises that prove how needy i am.. how much i am loving every single thing He does to me........ and then i feel it all running down my legs, puddling again on the rug...... and i am asking for permission to cum.... and cumming even before the permission is fully out His mouth.... squirting every which way....... drowning Sir and myself in my juices.. sliding half down off the ottoman.. trying to catch my breath.... when Sir's hand inside me yanks me back up .. back into position on the ottoman and He is pounding into me again.......... and my whole body shudders and trembles and collapses in a soaking puddle of human pleasure............ (and for the second time in as many days the carpet had to be washed........ i am gonna have the cleanest carpet for Christmas if this keeps up!!)

And that dear readers is life.........a wonderful weekend of delights.........

Afternoon Delights..

There is something about being taken from behind.. on my knees.. roughly .. that just makes me melt..... makes me putty in Sir's hand.........

This afternoon, after a morning of Xmas shopping (ohhhhhhh how i wish i could share with you all, what i purchased...... but as it was all for Sir.. and as Sir reads my blog.. you will just have to wait !!) and a model train show, Sir ordered me to kneel at the sofa......

i thought He was gonna reach for one of the toys perched on the wing back chair... but Sir got down on the floor behind me.. pushed my legs apart.. pushed my head down and roughly fucked me........ those were His words....."you like it rough don't you??!!" my head was bobbing up and down.. (oh god yes Sir!! i love it rough.. love it from behind.. love to feel my body opening up .... )

and oh lordie.. i wasn't dry for very long........ even before i was given permission to cum, my juices were running down my legs, puddling on the carpet, the muscles in my lower belly tightening, heat radiating outwards from some small spot inside me.. flushing my chest and neck and face.......... and then .. then Sir said "cum" and i felt like i was exploding outwards, juices spraying over Sir, over the rug, running down my legs and soaking my socks (how romantic is that?? thick woolen socks, bare ass??)

Afternoon delights........... yummy!!!

Lessons learned.....

(editorial note: after much thought and consideration.. i have decided to remove all references to the house boy episode in our lives. Having the blog entries staring at me every time i opened blogger was just too painful a memory. And so this is the only blog entry i have left..... that speaks from my heart about the sadness i felt in his leaving us.)



There was a blog i read .. once upon a long time ago..... entitled "Lessons Learned". It was probably the first blog i ever read....... it was probably the main motivation for my starting my own blog..... and for the long list of blogs that i read today.

BUT that expression "lessons learned" has another reality for me these days. It has taken me nearly 2 weeks to write about it, because the lesson learned this time hurt... hurt bad.

drakor... our houseboy... has uncollared himself. He no longer belongs to Sir and i.

There were lots of reasons given....... but honestly not one i could understand.

It is interesting to me that two people (in this case drakor and myself) profess good communication skills.... and yet we didn't communicate well together. i think that was the main problem. It became a "he said / she said" situation..... that has gone round and round. But in the final analysis the outcome is clear.. drakor is no longer our houseboy.

And so it is with a deep and abiding sadness that i put the "alpha sub" part of me away......the final time that the above picture will be used on this blog....... and this will be the last time that i write about our houseboy - drakor.

Celebration thoughts..

Last night i was out with my eldest daughter at the wedding store.. going through the first fitting of THE wedding dress.... she is anxious to get going on the dress.. to move from muslin to taffeta... but i was content to gaze at the muslin dress, watching her twirl and spin.... and remembering a little girl in dress up clothes..

Fortunately for mother.. eldest daughter has moved her wedding to October.... so now i have 2 months between the girls' weddings not 2 weeks......... and loads of time for the transformation from muslin to taffeta .. from little girl to married woman.

Two weeks ago Sir and i took youngest daughter shopping for her dress... it was my first experience sitting on the chairs in front of the round little stages the brides-to-be stand on.. waiting.. and waiting... until the door opened and my baby daughter stepped out on to the lil round stage dress hiked up to here.. socked feet showing underneath.. and mom filled up with tears... i can no longer pretend they are girls anymore....... silly as that sounds.. this wedding dress shopping has made me realize somewhere between a Christmas and a summer holiday they grew up on me.





Sir has decided that tomorrow we will go and start some Christmas shopping...

now that is not to say i haven't started my shopping.. i have...
because i HATE shopping with a passion........ and i HATE crowds with a passion... i tend to shop as the spirit moves me...
But i have a problem this year...... i don't have any lists.. i love lists.. i live by my lists... but i have no shopping lists this year.... (i say as i reach for the little pink pills that ward off panic attacks!!) BUT Sir says we will go to Costco.. and if the Christmas fairies are smiling on me.. i will find suitable gifts for my staff at work.. all 20 of them !!!


Last night driving home from the wedding store.. Christmas lights were sparkling throughout the neighbourhood (ok ok that is NOT counting the one neighbour who put up and put ON their lights before Hallowe'en) and i found myself doing a mental check....... it is only November 16th... the Americans have not celebrated Thanksgiving... which has, in past years, been the starting gun for Christmas decorating........ so what is up with all the lights this year????

i am hoping i can cajole Sir into putting up the outside lights this weekend.... and i will put the lights in the kitchen window..... so when i come home at night i will see my house slowly turning into a twinkling Christmas wonderland......

~~~~~~~~~
i have had two really good days........ it shows in my desire to celebrate.. to join the world again.. and celebrate....... things have been rocky here.. more so than words can describe.. and there is no point in trying to put into words how rocky.. because i have discovered not many understand.. but i am celebrating two good days... and a desire to join in the celebrations !!!

and that dear readers is reason enough to celebrate !!!

More thoughts and ramblings..

This is a tough time for me....... not a particularily happy time.... and it should be... and that makes me angry..

A few years ago when the doctor told me i had a high blood pressure due to menopause and stress.. i took the pills .. climbed on the treadmill.. and did what i could to fix the problem... (and it did get fixed) .. when the pains in my gut turned out to be gall stones i made another decision to change my diet and things got better.......

Now i am told i have something - they don't know what yet - inside of me causing problems.. and there is nothing i can do...... i just have to sit and wait and take their tests and hope and pray it is not cancer but some benign cyst working some evil magic inside me... i can't actively do a damn thing..... and that makes me angry and it makes me scared...... and this is not a pretty picture of a subbie..... everyone told me things got better after menopause.. no more periods.. no more pms.. no more fear of pregnancies..
They didn't tell me that there was a greater chance of ovarian cancer.. or uterine cancer after menopause.. no one told me that......

Some days are better than others.. some days inside.. i feel like me.. and refuse to believe i have something evil inside... other days i feel it .. inside me.. and it makes me so damn angry..... and i can't feel like me inside.. i don't know who i feel like on those days... i just know it isn't me....

This is so NOT how i thought i would spending this year........ i thought i would be busy and excited planning weddings for both daughters.. i thought i would be busy and excited playing with Sir and the house boy.... it doesn't seem fair ya know?? and damn it.. i am not big on pity parties for myself....... so that doesn't feel right either..

Sir is trying so hard to work His magic.. to make me focus on the good things.. Sir is trying so damn hard to take the fear onto His shoulders - away from me - so that i can be ok...... Sir is being so damn good to me that it hurts.... know what i mean?? (oh .. for those of you who don't check His blog regularily... He has posted about this time .. health problems for both drakor and myself.. weddings.. all of it.. it made me cry...... but then my aunt always said my bladder was too close to my eyes!!)

So every morning when i open my eyes, i feel inside .. it is either a good day or a bad day..... then i climb out of bed.. and go to work.. where i pretend it is a good day and do my job..... but mostly i wait....... for the 20th and the 28th of this month.. for the tests ...... and then i will wait for the doctor to tell me what happens now........

i don't DO waiting well........ just in case you didn't know that about me.. i do NOT do waiting well.........

Just thoughts

Did you ever have times in your life when no matter how hard you tried ... you just landed up feeling as though you failed??

i can't help but wonder some days how/why i thought i could handle a submissive.. i absolutely refuse to use the "D" word... Sir is the Dominant .. i am just His #1 subbie.

It seemed simple enough..... hell i have been on the receiving end of a flogger for more years than i wish to count (yeah kaya i am THAT old!!) i thought that made me some sort of expert at domming...... beeeeeep !!! wrong again old girl.

And i am a planner.. i like things organised.. i like to know where i am going and how i am gonna get there.. but one problem with being on the receiving end and thinking it was a short hop skip and a jump to the other end of the flogger is that not everyone feels the same as i do.. reacts the same as i do.. or serves the same way as i do........ big fat learning curve there....... boy did i miss it !!! so screw the plans and pass me the thorns (play on words folks!)

And so dear readers.. though i have been vague and rambling...... (it all makes perfect sense to me!!) this blog is going back to it's original theme.. my journey as a submissive.. both the bdsm side of me and the vanilla side of me.. the good the bad and the ugly.......... that is where i know what i am doing.... cause i follow the directions.. not give them......

My Sir

There are times on this journey called "life" that i stop and wonder at the safeness i feel under Sir's control. There is something so safe about giving up control..... of feeling safe - no matter the storm that breaks over our heads - under Sir's watchful eye and strong hand.

This past week has been one of those times of wonder. A week ago, i wrote a blog entitled Mother Nature’s Tricks....... it was meant to be a humorous and as much as i tried i couldn't hide from the feelings of doubt that nibbled at my consciousness...So with Sir firmly holding my hand (figuratively) i called my doctor....... and called her again and again until i finally got past the busy signals. On Wednesday she cleared her calendar for me and i went in to see her. Sir was frustrated that He couldn't be beside me.. but as i explained to Him .. there was no point.. this was just the beginning of the process.. and i was sure i would need Him more later on........ god bless my doctor who has moved heaven and earth and got me scheduled into the hospital for scans and biopsies (all within the next 3 weeks!! a miracle in itself in this country of long waits for medical attention)

Sir cleared His calendar and will be with me..(literally) holding my hand through the processes that will figure out what is going on in this old body... and if 'fixing' is needed He will be there through that too.... More importantly .. He is not treating me as though i am "broken" .. Mr Mat appeared this week on an evening i needed focusing more than usual... and i sat on it with tears streaming down my face.. because Sir knew exactly what i needed.. and He gave it to me.. (i desperately needed to feel normal - healthy - ME)

On Friday night Sir cropped my ass as i played with drakor.. and we all laughed and enjoyed each other's company..... and the pain and the power. And later when Sir came to bed, He rolled me over roughly and fucked me.. despite my whines of "it's broken - it doesn't work - i am tired" He wouldn't listen.. He wouldn't let me fall into the mind set of "invalid".. It was His... broken bruised or bent.. and He was going to have it !!!

Saturday He sat beside me at a family 'thing' and squeezed my hand while i struggled with under currents that raged between my daughters... because i could feel the hurt of one.. and the disregard of the other.. He let me rant and rave when we were safely home... He held me and let me cry.. He hugged me and let me cry..... He promised me that He will be there.. right beside me no matter what....... and if He decides it is enough! He will bring me home...... and i will not have to deal with life and its pain alone .. any more!

Today - Sunday - Sir had to leave me to go and work on the Remembrance day parade and memorial service... (Veteran's day for our American friends) and in the quiet of the condo i marveled at the strength that is in this man i call Sir....... no matter who needs Him.. no matter the day or the problem Sir finds the strength.. the resolve to reach out and help............. i am so lucky to be able to say "i am owned by Him" !!!

Message in a bottle

i was skimming through some of the vanilla blogs i read.. and came across one where the chap was writing about Where’s George which is the American version of Where’s Willy .

These are both sites where folks are encouraged to write their city on a dollar bill (in the case of Canadians it would have to be on a five dollar bill) and then log into the appropriate web site and register the bill. You can then check back days - weeks - later and see if / or where your bill is. i never had any success... i did it for a month or two a few summers back.. but despite putting the web site on each bill AND the city of origin... my bills never turned up again. (i understand though many do have success and get to watch their bills travel around the country)

The chap i was reading this morning said it reminded him of the old "message in a bottle"... and i agreed with him........ it would be fun to see where one's money travels.

Many years ago .. for Remembrance Day (Veteran's day in the States) every child in our school wrote a message of peace and all the messages were attached to helium balloons with pleas to email the school, phone the school, or snail mail the school to let us know where our balloons had traveled to. We even had a big map up in the foyer that was all prepared for the brightly coloured flags we were going to stick to the map to indicate all the places our balloons had travelled. Well needless to say .. that project fell flat.. i believe we only received 2 or 3 responses (which was VERY disappointing to our kiddies) but one i remember came from south of the border and the gentleman who found the balloon wrote a very nice letter to the kids of the school commending them on their effort to seek peace.

The blogs we write are a little bit like the original message in the bottle idea..
We write messages and send them off into the great void that is the net.. hoping that someone may read them and learn a little bit about us..... maybe even send back a little message.

i am so fascinated by the idea of folks reading my humble words and wondering where they are ... and who they are etc.. that i have even put up a map (see map on right side) that logs in the visits to my blog by where in the world they originate from........ sort of my own Where in the World is Carmen Sandiago (ok ok most of you probably aren't old enough to remember that old computer game)

i have no idea what spurs us on to do these things.... is it a sense of adventure or curiosity?? Is it a need to feel connected to the big world around us?? Whatever the reason, it would seem there will always be some form of the original "message in a bottle".

Contracts

Contract by definition is........ a spoken or written agreement intended to be enforceable by law.

That is the reason i have trouble with BDSM contracts....... what law enforcement officer or department is going to enforce a BDSM contract??? consensual or not??!!

When we were negotiating with drakor over hard limits.. i realized he was going to want more than a hand shake on the deal.... he was going to want some sort of contract. i googled BDSM contract and got pages and pages upon pages of information for BDSM contracts. And i gagged over most of them. Silly pompous things .. if you ask me.. and no i know you didn't ask me.. and some of you who read here probably have one of those contracts.. and are ...right about now...hissing at me....

But come on folks.. let's be sensible here.. if you have a document signed by your Dominant and by yourself.. and the Dominant is a right royal SOB.. do you honestly think that contract is binding?? If you want out of the contract and the Dominant says "no way" do you honestly expect me to believe you couldn't just walk out???

So now you know where i stand on BDSM contracts......... BUT .. drakor wanted one.. drakor thought it was important. So i wrote up the contract along with the provisos that he wanted added ....... and added what our expectations were.. and as i wrote them i felt silly .. because most of the rules of the house are already known by drakor and approved by him... because .. good lord .. he was here and involved in the discussion that created the "House Rules".... but i wrote them out all neat and proper.

The one line that i think sums up this contract for Sir and i reads:
" drakor will make it his goal in all things, to make Sir's and littleone's life easier"

The contract is set for a six month period.. from October 28, 2007 till April 28, 2008. Then we get to do it all again?? i think...... or end this side of our relationship. Truthfully .. right now.. i hope it continues.. for an unending length of time.. because i am having fun.. i am enjoying drakor and all that he does to please Sir and i.

When something feels good then it is good..... no words on paper can make it good.. can make it right.. it is or it isn't. And that is my 2 cents on the subject of contracts !

Contracts and Negotiations..

i have never been very good at negotiating anything... Case in point.. i needed a new car.. i wanted a red car.. i saw a red car.. a shining sporty red car at the local car dealership. i checked the price.. it was in the ball park so i went to buy this red sporty car. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it) i brought a long a friend... who couldn't believe i was just going to sign the contract without negotiating the price.

So that is where i stand on negotiating......... i don't.


And there in lies the problem we had with negotiations with drakor, neither Sir nor i completely fully understood ??? appreciated ???BDSM negotiations. When Sir and i talked.. he sent me a 12 page list of activities and i had to check off the things i wanted to do... the things i wanted to try and the things i wouldn't do not ever. Then i had to trust Sir would take care of me.. and not damage me in any serious way. He was the "boss". Over the years even the trilogy of "health, family, work" has fallen to Sir's control.

That was not the way drakor worked.. nor the way he saw BDSM negotiations. The checklist i gave him was not nearly enough ( and it was only 4 pages not 12 because the check list i sent him was a list of things that Sir and i were willing to do.......definitely an indicator of what Sir and i expected/wanted from this relationship) . We kept running into problems that drakor was quick to point out.. and hard limit was used in almost every email. Sir became downright exasperated ... i flip flopped between being confused and angry.

So i re-wound .. backed up.. and started again. This time i had drakor write out his list of hard limits.. his "no fly zone"...... because Sir and i had to know where we could go........ without feeling like we were walking on eggs all the time..

After nearly a week drakor came back with a list of 43 hard limits... 43!! To be perfectly honest Sir was ready to end it before it had even got started. i had the definite feeling that the submissive was in charge...... do negotiations do that?? put the submissive in charge??

One Friday during our coffee klutch time we discussed the hard limits.. by then drakor had put in provisos and the 43 had become 34. Still a mouthful no matter how we counted them. A lot of the hard limits were things Sir and i would never do .. because of our respect for drakor's very separate vanilla life, or because of his health issues ..or because we just don't DO that. But i realized that drakor needed that put in writing.... trust isn't always in all ways a matter of blind faith.

drakor also wanted to know what we wanted.. what would please us. Sir's answer was short and sweet... I am the Dominant everything you do you do to please me! pointe finale. Sir saw no need at all to write out what He wanted... it was simple.. He wanted obedience.

And so the 34 hard limits were printed up......

And i won't say that there aren't times Sir and i don't scratch our heads prior to a session and quickly review those hard limits... 34 is an awful lot to remember.. no mind fucks.. no influence over the "Cloud" blog (which by the way if anyone is interested i no longer read.. it is drakor's Dominant side and i have no wish to muddy the waters by worrying what his dom side is thinking or feeling) oh yeah....... and i can't use duct tape on his head, penis!! pooh !!!

i came to the realization while working on this negotiation process... that if a submissive was dealing with a Dominant he/she didn't know.......if the Dominant didn't have "staying" power to discuss and work through the hard limits..that would be the first sign........ a red flag for sure......

Tomorrow the contract .. the whys and wherefores ........