Wednesday, April 06, 2016

One More Step Forward?


As much as I have moved forward - there has been one area I have been reluctant to move into........ 

and that is public play.

In a year I have been to two........ one on the anniversary of my last play party (not one of my smartest decisions!)  and one more recently - but only to watch Angel play.

I haven't been able to wrap my head around going to a party and watching.  I know myself all too well.  It would open wounds that I was happiest leaving alone.

Friends have asked me to come
Friends have teased me 
Friends have even offered to find me play partners 

BUT 

I just couldn't do it.  Every time I thought about it I would want to cry.  It is the one area that has not healed........ missing the special intimacy of playing with my partner publicly 

Last Sunday one of the friends who has been asking me to come out texted me.  "There is a play party coming up........ was I ready to come?"

I sat staring at the text for a long time. 

I tentatively wrote back " would her partner be able to play with me" 
and I sat and held my breath.  It is still really hard to say I have needs...... really hard to say I 'DESERVE' 

She answered back "of course - and I would like to tie you and play with you too" 

I must have stared at the answer forever!  I had asked and I was answered,

So I dared one more request 
"Do you have room in your car for me" 

I so wanted to be able to play and let go and not have to worry about getting behind the wheel of a car

and the answer came back
"of course!!  that's what we planned" 

So in two weeks I take the next big step in this journey of mine............

am I really ready for this?

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