Thursday, March 03, 2016

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

This blog - this morning - is really REALLY hard to write - it is tearing me up....... but on The Journey I have talked about all the GOOD stuff - all the BAD stuff - and now today all the UGLY stuff.


About 9 months ago I started on a journey to lose weight and get healthy...more to lose weight than anything else - the healthy was just gonna be a bonus.

I joined the Y - I tried to start eating a little differently (notice I didn't say healthier - I really do HATE vegetables!) It took me a while to figure everything out.  I would go to the gym 2 - 3 times a week - I took a yoga class - I had a trainer - I worked on my cardio - I TRIED to use the machines in the gym....... 

and I HATED it!

I HATED seeing myself reflected in mirrors everywhere I looked...... 

I HATED feeling awkward and clumsy and klutzy - hell I nearly fell off the cross trainer and had the trainer suggest I stay off it!

I HATED myself for letting myself "go" as they say - retirement was NOT a good thing for me

It took a couple of months and a visit to my doctor to finally pull it all together.

I aimed for 10,000 steps a day

I aimed for smaller portions of the same meals I was making

I stopped the exercises that made me hate myself and feel awkward and old and stupid

And I started focusing on 10,000 steps a day 5 times a week.

 I finally got into the routine........ 

and eventually the numbers on the scale started to drop........ 
AND that's called motivation !!! 

So for 7 months now I have been slogging out an average of 60,000+ steps a week - eating less and less and less.... 
and watching weight that everyone warned me would be DAMN hard to lose at "my age" start to disappear.

My clothes didn't fit but the measuring tape did - and it was getting tighter and tighter around my body.

At the end of February - 7 months after i got serious about losing this weight I was down  just a bit more than 45 pounds and inching my way to the 50 pound mark!

I LOVED the way I looked in clothes - bags and bags of BIG clothes went to charity 

BUT one day I noticed - as I stepped out of the shower - my naked body looked old - and wrinkly and saggy.  All the skin that had held all that fat was hanging off my body - nothing to hold up any longer - gravity took over.

My once much admired legs were floppy

My firm tight ass - that garned much praise when I was in a corset and garters was sagging 

My stomach - never admired - was looking like a Chinese Shar-Pei dog

My arms looked like I had suddenly grown wings

I was shocked AND dismayed.  

Simple fix - I just never looked again at myself in the mirror when I got out of the shower.

BUT as luck would have it (or not - depending on which side of this mirror you are on) Daddy Dom took physical education when he went to University ............ so yesterday when I was doing my weekly bitch about hating the gym and hating the treadmill (yeah after 9 months I still HATE it!!)  He brought up the subject of maybe switching up my training and doing some of the machines instead of just the treadmill.

I shut down the email and sat and cried.

I CAN NOT do machines at the gym - CAN'T - it makes me physically sick 

I CAN NOT exercise with weights - or sit ups at the gym - I feel awkward and klutsy 

and all I could think was "all this weight gone and I am still fat and ugly" 



But I thought - if I could beat a weight loss that was supposed to be really difficult for me to do........  then why can't I tighten up the muscles - why can't I exercise?  ok not from the gym - but most exercises could be done in the privacy of my own home right??

So I swallowed my pride and choked back my tears - and wrote to Daddy Dom the gym teacher and asked if he would advise me what to do - what not to do - HELL - HOW to do this.

And the "teacher" in him said "sure" and we talked a bit about what I needed to do - and all the dreaded words I didn't want to hear came out - they were the truth and the truth hurts - and I probably needed to hear them - but still it made me cry.  
"The muscle will get firmer and toned up which will help against any unwanted flapping of exterior skinToning will make your mushy muscles firmer.
    
So being me I googled and found a half dozen or so exercise videos on Youtube.  IF I could "dom" myself to the gym each day I guess I will dom myself into exercising each day after the gym.  

AND I will fight really hard to keep from climbing back into my shell and hiding.  Hell forget about "people" over on FL body shaming - I can do that just fine all by myself!!





3 comments:

AngelsQuest said...

Gosh I don't know how you do this. Share in such a public way your deepest angst. I think that's why you are in my life...to show me the way.

Anonymous said...

I am amazed at your honesty here. I know how you feel body wise. But look at the men in your life right now, not that they should define your happiness. But they do desire you! Hot damn! That rocks. SO how we feel/see ourselves is not always how men see us. We can be hot, sexy and desirable and still be in our "mature" bodies. I only wish I had an ounce of your bravery to be able to get to where you are now.

Lilac said...

I too am amazed at your honesty here. You're very brave and honest in writing your deepest feelings and thoughts :).

In my opinion, the main goal of joining the gym should be to be healthy, weight loss would be a bonus. Fitness and beauty are just the side effects of a person's healthy lifestyle. Just like.. when a person becomes successful in life, money is just a side effect of that person's success.

And you're right. Forget about people body shaming on FL or anywhere. Just like Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Only you have the power/consent to give it up.