Friday, November 01, 2013
It took me 3 days to fully process Saturday's beating. Three days !! And the worst part - I wasn't really sure what was going on.............. yeah ME who has been doing this for years couldn't figure it out.... stupid eh???
On Sunday I just wanted to curl up in a tight little ball and not move - not talk - not face the world...my body hurt - every square inch of it hurt... my muscles my bones - hell even my hair hurt. But it was all deep inside of me - way down deep - where I pushed all those emotions on Saturday. There wasn't a visible mark on my body that I could point to and say "see that's why it hurts" ... so who would listen ?? who would understand???
Tuesday - well Tuesday was just weird. We were up before the sun to go downtown and see this taping of the morning news show. It was dark and I have always hated the dark!! Evil lurks in the darkness. I was weaving around people I didn't know - strangers - and I am not particularly fussy on strangers on a good day. And Tuesday was not a good day !! There were dark menacing shadows playing in my head.
I left the crowds and the noise and I walked down to the water's edge.. found a bench and sat looking out to the horizon waiting for the sun to come up...... waiting for some brightness to touch me deep inside - to take away the "bad" feelings that were boiling up ............... feelings I really couldn't describe
And when we finally got home - I felt a deep sadness - which didn't make a whole lot of sense cause we had had fun!!! going to see the taping was something I really wanted to do !!! but I couldn't deny it - there it was - that deep sadness that tears my heart in pieces from time to time.
When I went to bed on Tuesday night - I lay very still in bed - in the darkness. I barely breathed. I lay still and stiller and stillest. I quieted my mind.
And then I thought - I realized - this was just like all those other times when I suffered from sub drop................. but I had been alone all those other times - to face the demons that are sub drop alone. This time I had W - and I never told him. I didn't know what I had so how could I have told him????
And now it is 5 whole days since the beating and I can feel the cravings starting again.. the need. My monster. And just like any junkie I will start the cycle that leads me back to some apparatus on the receiving end of pain............ and I will fly ............ because I am like that...... I have a need - a craving. I am a junkie.