Thursday, December 02, 2010
It may seem strange to some of you that my second Christmas posting would be titled "Darkness"
And yet to me - it seems the best time to talk about a time in my life where there was no lightness - no joy - and for a time almost no tomorrow.
I guess when I think about my life - in general - I have to say the darkness started at a very young age. I had terrible horrible nightmares - so much so that my parents took me to a doctor who put me on anti-depressants. You have to realize that I am not talking about teenage years or puberty - I was four years old when I was first started on the drugs. And was on and off them for many years when I lived at home.
There were good reasons (I guess) for the night terrors and the drugs.... and I blame no one for treating with drugs .. rather than a counselor - it was what it was.
When I was older - on my own - married - having children - through that part of my life I believe now I suffered from manic depression. I would have wildly exciting up beat days - where the energy flowed and I was almost a whirling dervish in my activity and accomplishments. BUT they were always followed by days - sometimes weeks of darkness when I could barely bring myself to leave my bed.
And I had - on my own - come to the conclusion being medicated on and off.. to control the ups and downs of my life was not the answer - much to my parents chagrin.
The big turning point in my life came when my father died. The man who had controlled my life since the day I was born was gone... and I had no idea.. not one ... how I was going to function without him in my life daily.
I pulled into myself... my world got smaller and smaller till I could barely drive down the street to the grocery store. Fortunately for me a part of my brain was hanging on to sanity by a thin thread. And that part of my brain made me pick up the phone one day and call for help.
And help came.
In the form of a wonderful man who spent days and weeks .. months and finally years helping me face my life... I fought not to lose the up days.. I didn't want to lose them.. they were wonderful days.. days when I felt .. no KNEW.. I could conquer anything. If the trade off were days where I could barely function - I didn't care .. I didn't want to lose the highs.
It took a long time for me to realize that not everyone lived with these extreme highs and extreme lows. It also took me a long while to realize that drugs - of any kind - even aspirin had to be abolished. I had to learn to live life like everyone else.,..without an artificial crutch.
When I say it took years - I am not exaggerating.. 3 years if memory serves me right - where I struggled with myself - fought with myself - placed blame everywhere but where it should be placed.
I grew up a lifetime in those 3 years.,.. I learned only I was responsible for what I felt ..... no one could make me happy and no one could make me sad. It was my choice and my doing.
And gradually .. slowly but surely.. I started to heal.. I started to live and feel life like the average person.
That is not to say I don't still have blue days.. I do.. hell who doesn't??!! I won't say I don't still have massive doubts that I can do my job, or live on my own, or anything else that an adult would do..... But I fight on.. one day at a time.. and always believing (or trying to ) that tomorrow will be better
Some of you may question my submissive needs.. my masochist needs ... and wonder if they aren't tied into my emotional make up..,... I'll do that debate with you all another day........
I just felt that for today - I had to step forward and say "I have been in the darkest of dark places. And I have fought to come back. And it is well worth the fight!!"