Thursday, May 07, 2009

fact or fiction

i started this entry on fact or fiction ....... and had planned out a nice essay on slavery...........i have started it (for the record) 4 times now... and erased it. If you want to read a really good, thought provoking, essay on BDSM slavery - conditioning and training may i suggest you trot over to selkie's blog.

Right now.. right this very moment .... there has been a small eruption here in the Great White North.... and it has me thinking.......

i went to bed last night.. and lay in the darkness - no radio softly lulling me to sleep.. no television quietly playing out in the background. i lay in the quiet stillness of the night and thought about slavery and submission... i thought about me.... and how /where i fit into this equation or even if i do.

Ya see .. a major event happened yesterday in Sir's life. i knew it was going to.. have seen it coming for some weeks now.

Back in August '08 on this blog.. i announced that Sir had a new "subbie" (though i wasn't sure that was the right word and settled on "trainee") The relationship between the two of them didn't last all that long (i take a huge amount of the blame for that).......but they have been chatting via emails and facebook again...... and i saw it coming.

i was good last night.. when i was chatting with Sir.. i didn't ask if He had met up with her.... and for the most part i was able to forget they had tentative plans to meet up.

Just before i logged off for the evening, Sir announced that they had met up.. and He had whooped her ass. He added that she is now willing to accept a beating from me.

And it was as though i had planned out my reaction to this non-event - without even knowing it. i calmly and quietly told Sir that i was worried about "my" toys that are at His house being used on her....... and "my" ropes. (the ropes bring back a nightmare from a time long past....... when Sir arrived here at the condo - handing me the ropes He had used to tie up another submissive and told me to wash them. They were soaked in her menstrual blood. i vowed NEVER again!! )

i quietly told Him that i thought it would be best if He played with her at her house or His house.. but not here.. not in front of me.... to keep me out of this equation totally this time.

In this new turn of events .. the only thing i am even slightly concerned about is that "my" toys and "my" ropes not be used. To me.. weird as this sounds........ they are a bond between Sir and i ... and i would like it very much if that wasn't broken.

i figure let her figure out how to make toys - the same way i did in the beginning.. or let her buy Sir toys to use on her.. the same way i did in the beginning....... let her find her own bond to Sir...

And as i lay there in the dark of the bedroom last night.... i realized i don't much care one way or the other if the two of them play together... there wasn't even a small blip on my emotional scale......... i wish the two of them much success at playing....... and i remembered i even told Sir (as a good sub / slave am i even allowed to suggest such ideas??!!) that "wendy darling" can take over cleaning His house... weekly.

So am i a sub or slave...... or is it all some fictional delusion i am suffering from??


CLoud said...

I am wondering if that question can be answered by any one else than yourself. Any one on the outside can only judge on the ideas that they hold on slavery and open relations.

anna said...

Maybe I'm misreading your tone, but everything inside of me is screaming out to ask you if you're alright. Or maybe that's because I'm putting myself in your shoes (which I really shouldn't do) and I know my insecurities are much too great to handle a situation like this and not even feel a "small blip on my emotional scale". So, I'm asking... are you alright?

Anonymous said...

holy crap! I, like anna, wanna ask..are you ok?????

Scarlet said...

I can understand why you wouldn't want "your toys" to be used on her.
I get it. It;s not just a possessive matter, but also one of cleanliness and personal health.
No matter how much they get cleaned, some things need NOT be shared.

Like Anna, I am concerned about you.
Your words say one thing ... and yet, the underlying, unspoken words and tone say another.

Thinking about you ....

littleone said...

ok.. everyone.. take a big breath..

i am fine!!! HONEST ... i am fine!

Thanks for caring :)

morningstar (owned by Warren)

selkie said...

absolutely I think your toys should yours - as pointed out, apart from anything else, there are definite health implications.

I also think you rock and are WAY more understanding than i could ever be.

but as "ok" as you are, I'm sending hugs anyway as there is always going to be upsets when a dynamic changes - doesn't have to be bad, but I know you hate change so that has to be a factor here.

swan said...

Hugs. I understand. Perhaps it is the season.

As to the question in your mind, I think you are "there." Being able to accommodate points to that ability to give up your own wants in favor of His. In the end, maybe it doesn't matter what the label is. He defines it and you go with it, and so it is.


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