Sunday Sentiments

Busy Couple of Days

Already done this morning:  the birthday cake is in the oven - the loot bags are done -- now if the parents would just RSVP to let me know if their lil ones are coming on Saturday !!  (insert exasperated sigh)

I am hoping to have our birthday cake look something like the one above....... ohhhh in case I haven't told you - I always did themed birthday parties for my kids -- so I am continuing that tradition with the lil one.  This year the theme is "Artist".  So I have lots of artistic games/crafts organised ... and loot bags full of artistic 'junk' (grinning)
expect lots of pictures come Monday.........

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I have been having some 'health' issues for the last week or so....... I couldn't figure out what was going on......... Tuesday was the worst.  I  went shopping and could feel my heart pounding - like it was gonna jump out of my chest...... I felt like I was walking through chest high water.   And I was SO exhausted.  Then yesterday I started having pain in my shins ... hips... feet.... to put it mildly I was scared.  

Then I took a deep breath and realized I have not been taking my B12.  About 4 years ago I was diagnosed with very low B12....... symptoms of low B12; tiredness, heart palpitations, pain in your bones.... OH and depression and feelings of helplessness.  When had I last taken my B12??? It's been at least a month.......... slap me now!!! 
So Tuesday night I took my B12 and again last night........ hopefully in a week or so I will be feeling more like my old self.

Here's to raising my B12 levels ... and to birthday parties for lil ones!

Mud Puddles

I love walking in wet gooey mud in my bare feet..... BUT not in my basement.........

Yesterday at 7:30 am the plumbers arrived with their jackhammers and buckets and pipes..... by 9:30 I had a raging headache so I decided to head out shopping.  I hate shopping!!  but hate the noise of jackhammers even more.

There was one broken pipe in the furnace room.  I was under the impression that was the pipe that would be replaced.  

The landlord did show up to supervise which took a load off my shoulders....... 

When I got back from shopping around lunch time I ventured down the stairs to see how the job was coming (the landlord had disappeared).  I got half way down the stairs -- not even -- when I came face to face with the entire basement floor gone -- and in it's place was mud... and ALL new pipes laid..... the plumbers were shoveling up the mud into buckets.... 

 

All I could think of was Robert Munsch's book -- Mud Puddle.  I couldn't imagine living in this mess for days and days.  The guys had been dragging buckets and buckets of mud and broken pipes upstairs and outside.  They had put down (god bless them) a red rubberish mat to walk on...... but the basement door and front door were covered in muddy handprints and splatters of mud.

To give you some idea of how much mud I am talking about -- this is the trailer where they were dumping it... the trailer is 6 feet x 12 feet.........

By 3 they had finished all they could do -- now we wait for a city inspector to approve the job. 

One of the guys rolled up the mat - and the boss got a broom and swept up the bits left behind.  Then he got some paper towels and windex and sprayed the doors front and back and left them sparkling.  I was SO impressed.

After they left I ventured downstairs to see what it looked like............. 

WOW what an improvement in just 3 short hours!!!

Now we wait for the inspection -- and then they will cement the basement floor.  The very best part -- the moldy musty smell has vanished.  It was dug up and thrown in the trailer ....... YAY!!!

Life is good when the 'indoor swimming pool' is dismantled.......

Quiet Day -- N O T !

At 7:30 this morning -- my busy hour getting the lil one out the door to the school bus -- the plumbers arrived to fix the pipe they broke back in May 

They are tearing up the basement floor -- I can't hear myself think.  

They are blocking the lane way with their truck and don't seem to care

I shouldn't bitch right??  cause the leak is finally gonna be fixed and our basement will be dry and the musty moldy smell will finally leave the house.......... 

BUT -- 

they discovered a crack in the foundation that is allowing water in...... they found it cause it's raining......

Life is so much fun isn't it???  

It's Monday -- Again

Can you guess I'm trying to be positive today??

We went up one last time to the campsite on Friday -- despite severe thunderstorm warnings and tornado watches.  Personally I thought we were crazy........ but I am a good submissive and I didn't complain too much.

The wind was horrendous during the afternoon when I was there alone.  The dog was restless and whining....... not a particularly good sign.  But the sky was blue...... 

Finally Sir Steve showed up and managed to get our last steak supper barbequed and even insisted we would have a fire.  (Did I ever tell you sometimes I think this man is N U T S !!  ?)  

The fire was blazing and eldest daughter and her husband joined us for our last Friday night campfire.  I was sure I felt some rain drops -- but everyone said it was just droplets blowing off the trees......... but no sooner had those words been spoken when the heavens opened up and torrential rain arrived.  None of us made it to the trailer without getting soaked!  We crammed into the trailer and sat and chatted for a bit.  The rain slowed down...... and it got a little stuffy inside.  Sir Steve got up to open the outside door ....... and announced the rain had stopped and miracle of miracles the fire was still going strong.

We all stomped back outside.  Dryed off the chairs - tossed the cushions as they were soaked...... and enjoyed the last Friday night campfire (despite the cold) until bedtime.

Saturday morning I packed up the last bits and pieces..... and then went for my last walk around the site.................. 

Once we got home Sir Steve took me on a "date night" .  We had dinner out at our favourite Indian restaurant and then headed off to see a movie. (We saw Peppermint -- not a terrible movie if you like watching a woman seek revenge on the bad guys with lots of gory blood and guts).   Sunday was a quiet day watching all the football games I had taped on Friday and Saturday. 

And now it's Monday again.... I'm doing laundry (once I figured out what the bloody plumbers screwed up last week so my machine wouldn't work)  .. and planning my week of shopping for the lil one's birthday party -- meals for the week and food for those meals -- oh yes and a birthday gift for middle grandson

"I'm alive -- I'm blessed -- Life is Good" (my mantra for this week I think)

Sunday Sentiments

Fantasy??

I have been involved in the BDSM community for close to (or more than -- I've lost count) 30 years.  Actively busy.... attending munches and play parties and heading up submissive support groups.

In all those years the BDSM community has changed.  The new folks coming in (and yeah some of the older ones) are seeing it more as sexual foreplay -- or sex period.  That's not my view of BDSM.  I have talked enough about how I see (want to see) the BDSM community -- the respect -- the dominance -- the submission -- the beauty of it all.  So no I am not going to do that again (to death)

What appealed to me most were the clearly defined roles ........ the clearly defined rules.  But those have long since gone the way of the Dodo bird.  Maybe I am just a very old fashioned girl...... maybe I am just looking for someone to take care of me... (which if you know me - know it's much more complicated than that as I am a pretty independent outspoken woman)

I've run a few of the different forms of BDSM around in my head -- like a 50's household (cause that's pretty much what I am living right now) and the maintenance spankings and punishment spankings -- but they don't work for me.  

I miss (oh how I miss) the hand wrapped in my hair -- the hand around my neck... feeling the pulsing of my blood -- I miss the rough kisses against the wall -- hands exploring my body -- I miss the " look" -- I miss the whispered words that turned my knees to jelly.  I miss the whips and floggers and knives and paddles.

It seems I have fought for nearly 30 years to find this miraculous combination of BDSM and vanilla -- heavy on the BDSM.  Maybe it really is a fantasy world I am looking for?  

Don't get me wrong -- life is good.  I have a man who loves me -- I have the lil one to keep me young -- I have friends and family who love me and care about me -- I get every summer out of the city ....... but mostly I have a man who loves me deeply and whom I love deeply.  That is real -- not a fantasy I am chasing.  Real is good..... real is very good !

Outside Looking in.......

For so many years I kept my life looking normal to anyone looking in.... my life wasn't 'normal' by society's standards - but it was my life and I loved it... craved it.

Then I moved here -- to Sir Steve and I wasn't gonna have to work so hard to keep it looking normal....... no one knew me here -- my kids already know about choice of lifestyle ..... things were gonna be easier.

There have been a lot of adjustments....... with the lil one ... then Sir Steve starting his company and then deciding to find full time work ...... I have been relying heavily on my service side....... cooking cleaning etc.  to satisfy my submissive side.  Stress and exhaustion has been high on everyone's agenda.

AND just when I think things are quietening down and maybe - just maybe - we can get back to some sort of BDSM normalcy around here something else pops up..... right now it's a leaky basement that threatens to turn the basement into an indoor swimming pool... I am tired of the musty wet smell ..... I am tired of dealing with the landlord and all the contractors and plumbers that come in with possible solutions.  

I am tired of normalcy...... ya know?

Tonite we have 'meet the teacher'... this weekend is closing the trailer... next week I am busy planning a 6th birthday party for the lil one and her friends..... then it's Thanksgiving.. then it's my yearly cancer check ........... normalcy has taken over our lives.......... 

Maybe it's time to pack away the toys and my fantasies of BDSM and just love this man I call Sir Steve in the vanilla world......... nodding ... yeah maybe it's time.

Exhausted

I'm done -- so very done.

I spent last week packing up the trailer in my head over and over -- I spent the weekend organising and packing up the trailer and fussing cause I was worried I wouldn't have enough bins (I think I do have enough -- this coming weekend will be the end and I'll know for sure)

Then Monday I had all the laundry to do............ and because we've had water in the basement on and off all summer (while the landlord tries to find someone to solve the issue) all the boxes in the basement got wet.

OH JOY

Yesterday I decided to empty all the wet boxes (into more bins) and cut up the wet boxes and get them ready for garbage day (which is today)
Then I moved all the non wet boxes and bins into piles in the dry area of the basement and organised them - sort of - so I can get to the 'seasonal bins' and know what's in each box/bin and where they are.  (and I should add here that I had to keep manually emptying the brand spanking new sump pump cause for some reason it won't empty automatically!!)

Got that done when the landlord texted me and asked if he could come over and see the mess.  He didn't show up till 5 minutes before I had to meet the school bus.  Mind you he was as useful as 'tits on a bull'  It was a total waste of my time -- and added to my stress levels as I didn't want to be late for the bus.

Then the lil one came in and reported she hadn't eaten her lunch cause she talked through lunch BUT she did eat all the junk food mother sent.  

OH JOY

Then as I am lecturing her about the evils of eating junk food and ignoring the healthy food in her lunch the doorbell rang and there was my meat delivery for the next 6 months!! which of course had to be unpacked and stored in the freezer before it all defrosted (and it was hot enough yesterday that that was a definite possibility) which also meant more boxes to cut up for the garbage.

Then because I'm smart like that I had lamb out for dinner and had to start cooking a lamb dinner.............. 

AND then when Sir Steve walked in I just burst into tears.  I was SO tired -- more than tired -- bone weary -- exhausted.

Life is proving to be exhausting -- Sir Steve is exhausted from his 10 hour days and I am exhausted from trying to keep our home life under control (trying is the operative word)

I keep waiting for things to settle down -- to find quiet times to recharge my batteries -- to reconnect with Sir Steve -- and it's not happening........ I feel just a tad desperate.... things have to improve...... they just have to !

Sunday Sentiments

Saturday Musings

Packing Weekend

I am not exactly a 'seasoned' camper -- BUT I do know to avoid the stress and rush it's good to start packing up the trailer slowly over a couple of weekends.

Next weekend - the last one of the season -  because of scheduling - we'll only be there till lunch time on Saturday -- just time to pack up the last few things -- mostly the outdoor furniture.

So this morning I dragged up all the plastic bins and am making lists in my head of what goes in what bin....... All my fairy lights in the trees have to come down and all the battery tea lights turned off and brought home.  The pantry has to be emptied -- and the fridges (yes we have two -- one outside for drinks and overflow).  The cupboards need to be sorted and I am thinking they could be packed up - well mostly.

I'm ready for this -- time to close up.  I have enjoyed being back in the city this week.  I actually got the house well cleaned (Fall cleaning if anyone does that anymore) And am enjoying being back on a schedule.
 

Advocating for Myself........

If you remember -- when I saw the new doctor he decided to wean me off some meds I've been on for the last 15+ years and put me on something new.

I tend to freeze when a doctor is telling me what's best for me..... and like a "good lil girl" I do what he tells me to...... so for the last 2 weeks I have been swallowing these new pills even though in the back on my mind was the question " do I need these?"

The side effects are devastating........ sleepiness is one of them..... and when I say sleepiness I mean the inability to function during the day -- feeling like I am drugged (yeah yeah I know technically I am) 

Then there was the low grade headache I had 24/7...... I do NOT do headaches well at all!

Then there was the winner -- nausea !!  It got so bad that even though I got hungry I could barely eat because the nausea was so severe.   

And the latest one that popped up this week was the "runs" .... I didn't dare leave the house for fear I would need a toilet.

I was going to call the doctor -- but realized he had told me he would be away till the end of the month. I was trying very hard to tough it out 

Then the other morning I stopped and went "WHOA -- I need to advocate for myself.  These pills are not working -- and on top of that I have no reason to think I need them." 

So last night I did not take the pill.  This morning I was actually hungry and managed to eat breakfast with no nausea!  I still have the low grade headache but am assuming that will disappear too with time.  I will see my doctor in a couple of weeks and we can discuss my decision to not medicate something  I don't have.
 

This 'n That

When I last wrote here Sir Steve was preparing for some hospital tests.  It was a rough couple of days -- even rougher on the Friday when I got to sit in the waiting room for 3 hours while he had the test... worrying about the outcome.  The doctor said everything looked fine and he didn't need another test for 10 years --

BUT

he took 3 biopsies.  And we will get the results in 6 - 8 weeks.  Biopsies when everything looked fine?!!  Ahhhh well trying very hard not to fuss too much.

Then as Sir Steve really wanted to go up to the campgrounds for the weekend on Friday - immediately following the test -- I drove him up.... all the while keeping my fingers crossed nothing went wrong.  And of course nothing did -- I am a professional worrier!

I questioned our sanity on Saturday when we woke to 9 degrees -- dear god it was cold!!  I wore layers all weekend and we had to put the heat on in the trailer.  Not exactly my idea of camping!!  But despite the cold we had fun at the closing steak dinner and enjoyed a couple of nice hot camp fires in the evenings.

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On another note -- these new pills the doctor has me on are proving to be less and less fun.......... I have a low grade headache ALL the time -- when I eat I am nauseous -- and I am sleepy tired ALL the time.  Thankfully I see him in a month -- and am gonna question the necessity of my being on any pills never mind ones that don't allow me to function normally.

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The lil one had an ok week in first grade.  It is taking her some time to adjust as 'being cute' isn't quite enough. I don't think she fully grasps the concept of sitting at a desk and working -- rather than chatting and dancing her way through the day.  It will be an interesting first few weeks of school I think. 

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The landlord finally got the leak in the basement fixed.  So this week I will be repacking all the stuff that was in cardboard boxes into plastic bins and trying every home remedy known to man to get rid of the musty smell down there (a musty smell that is slowly seeping upstairs UGH!!)  

Two Days

We have known since the beginning of the summer that Sir Steve needed to have some medical tests done in September.  But ya know ...... in June September seemed so far away........ and then suddenly it's here!!

Today is his 'hurry up and wait' day -- he has to fast and take meds in preparation for tomorrow's test.  We don't even know when the test will be ..... he has to call after 4 this afternoon to find out.  I have my fingers crossed that it's early morning (well as early as they start them) so that he can be sprung from hospital and maybe ... just maybe... be able to head up to the trailer by mid afternoon.  He is adamant he's gonna sleep in the trailer tomorrow night...... me not so much.  The city is comforting with the hospital 5 minutes from our door IF something should go wrong ya know?  But he's stubborn.

Soooooooooo we're sitting here watching the clock tick tock .... I have run to the shops and picked up juice for him (he's allowed some juice today) and threw a pan of brownies into the oven for the weekend.... and thought about what clothes/food we need to take up to the campgrounds whenever we actually go........ but for the most part I'm doing the "hurry up and wait" thing too.

Some positive thoughts and healing vibes would be wonderful if you have some to spare...........

It's over..........

I just put the lil one on the bus for the start of school -- real school -- grade 1

Truthfully I was very ready for this day....... There are days that I think I am wayyyyyy too old to be taking over the role of stepmother for a 5 nearly 6 year old.  Especially one that I suspect is struggling with an emotionally distant mother........ shrug... who knows -- maybe it's not that at all.  

I am at my wits end as to what has caused the change in the lil one in relation to me -- and to some part with her father.  I just know school is the best place for her right now.... for her and for me.  

I need to pull back from her..... I need to clear my head.  I need to get myself strong (emotionally) again.  Then (shrug) who knows maybe I will be able to 'fight the good fight' again...........



 

Sunday Sentiments