Friday, March 09, 2018

Consent Violations -- Part 1

I have been reading article/post after post on consent violations on Fetlife..... and then there is the #Metoo movement ... and allegations of sexual improprieties in the news all the time.

I tried voicing my opinion a long time ago -- at the beginning of this bout of discussions -- but was accused of "victim shaming" and I'll admit I was thrown for a loop.  I didn't see it as victim shaming......... BUT ... maybe I was?? who knew? so I withdrew from the discussions and kept my thoughts to myself.

Then it moved a little closer to home and I found myself asking "what the hell is consent violation anyway?!!"  thinking maybe I had a different definition for the term.  There have been a couple of rumored 'consent violations' against people I know in the community.  It was like a punch in the stomach.  I had trouble -- real trouble - believing it.... especially since I had played with one of the violators and never had a speck of trouble.

I wanted to write my thoughts (MY THOUGHTS) on the subject ... but decided before I ventured into the melee I would do some research.

Part 1 of this discussion is my understanding of the definition of consent violation (feel free to jump in with corrections or your opinion of what consent violation means) ............

The short definition is - a consent violation is anything not agreed upon during negotiations.
Consent is about setting boundaries for interactions.

Any sexual activity not included in the negotiations can be a consent violation -- that is genital touching -- oral sex -- as well as penetration.  (now that's all I thought consent violation was -- sexually based)

However - it can also be abuse -- and I use that term loosely.  Let me give you an example... if you negotiate your play time and limit the play to spanking with anything BUT a paddle .... and a paddle is used then that could be consent violation.  

BUT if you use your safe word -- and the play / activity stops then it is NOT consent violation.  IF you use your safe word and the play continues then that is consent violation. IF you don't use your safe word at all -- then that is NOT consent violation.

Consent violation does not always refer to physical force..... but it can also refer to emotional coercion.  I have heard of a Rope Top telling newbies - once they are tied up -- that it is 'normal' (expected) that they owe the top a blow job...... 'everyone does it.'   I have also heard some Tops say they are just pushing the bottom's limits -- cause how will they know what they like/can take -- if their limits aren't pushed. 
I believe the most important  part of consent violations -- or preventing them -- is negotiations!!! without negotiations there are no boundaries for either the Top or the Bottom and no way of clearly defining a consent violation.  

I will stop here .......... Part 2 will be how I interpret this definition and why I believe there are more and more accusations of consent violations.

this is a personal note to Enzo who left this comment on my blog the other day........

I would love to hear your thoughts on consent and consent violations to learn more. I would share my thoughts, but I know a lot of readers will discard my opinions simply because it is coming from a male point of view and that makes it hard to have a discussion when you are dismissed out the starting gate.

please Enzo jump in anytime -- I think it is VERY important to have opinions from both sexes and both sides of the slash AND I will not discard your opinion for any reason!


  1. Anonymous9:22 am

    If I say do not use a paddle (or if being me a belt) and someone pulls out a paddle and uses it on me without further negotiation that is a consent violation. I clearly said I do not consent and you did the opposite. There could be several reasons someone wouldnt safeword at that point- maybe they are in an altered state of consciousness, maybe they are too scared now (this person I trusted completely disregarded what I said, why would he listen now...), or maybe paddles are a trigger and I'm now in the middle of a ptsd episode and can't verbalize. For me it was penetration... I clearly said no penetration beforehand, and once it had happened my flight or fight kicked in and I froze. I was too scared to say no again- this person was bigger than me, and obviously didn't care about my boundries. It didn't make it less rape because I only said no once. A person shouldn't have to keep saying no over and over again to be listened to just because someone else feels entitled to their body.

  2. I agree with the anonymous comment. As a rape survivor, that freezing thing has happened to me and I wasn't able to say no a second, or third, time. It doesn't make it any less of a violation as my first one should have sufficed.

  3. Anonymous10:21 am

    Totally agree with both comments. And I’d like to add that just because YOU have never had a problem with someone doesn’t mean someone else couldn’t have had a problem with that person. And dismissing someone’s word just because YOU have never had that experience yourself is a pretty shitty thing to do.


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