We drove to Montreal on the weekend for eldest daughter's birthday. Watching the scenery fly by the window I realized my voices had been quiet for -- like forever. I was kinda surprised I hadn't noticed sooner ....... I don't really even know when they went quiet. BUT they have.
I kinda thought I would notice the quiet ya know -- when it went quiet. They have been nattering inside my head for most of my life..... and yet when they went quiet I didn't even notice!
There are no more 'tsk tsks' when I do something I want to do that runs contrary to the way I was raised. There are no more ' you should have... you could have.. ' There are no more 'how stupid can you be??!!' nothing absolutely nothing........ quiet.
I remembered at Christmas -- Christmas day night actually -- my youngest commenting on how calm I had been -- and she asked me (seriously believe it or not) if I had taken pills to calm me down...... NOOOOO ..... this is the new me !!!
AND
I don't really know when that happened either. But I am calmer -- so much calmer.
Even when episodes reoccur with the mother -- I can now identify the emotions I am going through -- mostly anger and outrage mixed with frustration. She is breaking laws -- playing the system -- and I don't understand that -- how someone can do that. Some of my life is still very black and white.... good and bad.... right and wrong. (and honestly I don't want that to change. I believe life .. the world... would be a much calmer.. more pleasant place to live ... if people followed the basic rules and laws)
And the other thing that has twisted round in my life -- I actually ask for things I want... ok ok still hesitantly -- but I ASK. And when things aren't right in my world -- I actually speak up -- relatively calmly -- and explain how I am feeling.
THAT is a huge thing!!
Sir Steve has worked very hard to help me see -- to help me understand -- that I am worthy of being loved -- that I am a capable, self sufficient woman -- that I deserve to be heard -- that I can 'do this'!
All of this is a very good thing!!
One of the best things M has done for me...is encouraged me to speak up, to let him know what I am thinking and feeling, with no judgement, just acceptance. It does tend to chase the voices away..glad you found that also...hugs abby
ReplyDeleteAh, your picture at the bottom had me tear up. I’m waiting for the breakdown to end. Lol
ReplyDeleteYou are doing amazing. I only wish it was an hour closer. :)
it's so lovely to read. I suppose when they "stop" it's not as obvious until you consciously think about it then realise they're gone.
ReplyDeleteI still feel myself second-guessing my decisions sometimes, but admittedly, not as frequently as before.
Hugs
I had those voices too. Every time I made the tiniest mistake, I would hear my maternal parent's voice say derogatory things. They pretty much stopped after I told a trusted friend about them. Speaking out loud about them chased them away!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Hermione