Getting there

For most of my life I was shut down when I tried to talk -- when I tried to express my thoughts/feelings/emotions.  From being ignored .... being told I was overly emotional -- to the best one -- being labelled a 'bratty sub' or being told I wasn't a good sub (because I always had an opinion or a question)

And so I learned it was pointless to talk about the things that were important to me.  

Sir Steve has been encouraging me to open up.... it's been a long haul.  But I did trust him enough to start opening up.  I was thinking it was a bit like peeling an onion -- but that's not a good analogy as the center of the onion is usually the worst bit -- we are getting past the worst bits in the outer layers -- so I hold out hope that it will get easier and easier ........

After Friday's blog ....... Sir Steve commented on it -- and we had a talk.  I explained (no matter how silly it sounded -- or how difficult it was to find the words)  that when we have the lil one we both take on different personas.... and we land up being collectively "the parents".  I don't feel very sexy -- or very subbie -- or very comfortable doing any 'adult' activity.  I pointed out that Sir Steve takes on the 'daddy' role -- 'daddy voice'  and it does a number on my head.  (and maybe his head too)

Saturday the lil one had a birthday party to go to -- and Sir Steve planned on taking her for a hair cut when it was done.  I decided not to go with them.  I don't HAVE to always tag along ya know?  I am NOT the mother -- not the parent -- I am "JUST S" as we say.  So I stayed home and watched the olympics and stayed in a good mind set.

Saturday night -- after the lil one was settled in bed -- Sir Steve went into our bedroom and pulled out the pervertables I had bought (for pussy torture) and his knife.  Then he came out to me and held out his hand........ 

He even closed the bedroom door which made me feel more secure -- made me feel more connected to him believe it or not............. 

We played for over an hour ...... and he used THE knife !  

I have been waiting for an evening of knife play for -- like -- for EVER!  I was contented and purring.

Sunday was a busy 'family' day.  We went to Montreal to run some messages -- saw a 'tank' demo and then popped into visit youngest daughter and family before heading home.  I really didn't hold out much hope for any sex on Sunday night -- we were both tired....... and in that 'parent mind set'.  

BUT again Sir Steve came to me early and took my hand and we went to bed and had some pretty kinky sex.......... 

Yesterday he made a cheeky comment that not only had we had GREAT sex BUT we had played too !!!

I still need to work on my mind set when we are in family mode ........ but I know .. KNOW... that when I voice how I am feeling I am heard ...... and Sir Steve will work hard with me to change the feelings.

AND that ..... my dear friends........ is a very good thing!