Tuesday, February 06, 2018

Colour me Surprised





We drove to Montreal on the weekend for eldest daughter's birthday.  Watching the scenery fly by the window I realized my voices had been quiet for -- like forever.  I was kinda surprised I hadn't noticed sooner ....... I don't really even know when they went quiet.  BUT they have.

I kinda thought I would notice the quiet ya know -- when it went quiet.  They have been nattering inside my head for most of my life..... and yet when they went quiet I didn't even notice!

There are no more 'tsk tsks' when I do something I want to do that runs contrary to the way I was raised.  There are no more ' you should have... you could have.. '  There are no more 'how stupid can you be??!!' nothing absolutely nothing........ quiet.

I remembered at Christmas -- Christmas day night actually -- my youngest commenting on how calm I had been -- and she asked me (seriously believe it or not) if I had taken pills to calm me down...... NOOOOO ..... this is the new me !!!  

AND 

I don't really know when that happened either.  But I am calmer -- so much calmer.

Even when episodes reoccur with the mother -- I can now identify the emotions I am going through -- mostly anger and outrage mixed with frustration.  She is breaking laws -- playing the system -- and I don't understand that -- how someone can do that.  Some of my life is still very black and white.... good and bad.... right and wrong.  (and honestly I don't want that to change.  I believe life .. the world... would be a much calmer.. more pleasant place to live ... if people followed the basic rules and laws)

And the other thing that has twisted round in my life -- I actually ask for things I want... ok ok still hesitantly -- but I ASK.  And when things aren't right in my world -- I actually speak up -- relatively calmly -- and explain how I am feeling.

THAT is a huge thing!!

Sir Steve has worked very hard to help me see -- to help me understand -- that I am worthy of being loved -- that I am a capable, self sufficient woman -- that I deserve to be heard -- that I can 'do this'!  

All of this is a very good thing!! 



 

 

4 comments:

  1. One of the best things M has done for me...is encouraged me to speak up, to let him know what I am thinking and feeling, with no judgement, just acceptance. It does tend to chase the voices away..glad you found that also...hugs abby

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  2. Ah, your picture at the bottom had me tear up. I’m waiting for the breakdown to end. Lol

    You are doing amazing. I only wish it was an hour closer. :)

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  3. it's so lovely to read. I suppose when they "stop" it's not as obvious until you consciously think about it then realise they're gone.

    I still feel myself second-guessing my decisions sometimes, but admittedly, not as frequently as before.

    Hugs

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  4. I had those voices too. Every time I made the tiniest mistake, I would hear my maternal parent's voice say derogatory things. They pretty much stopped after I told a trusted friend about them. Speaking out loud about them chased them away!

    Hugs,
    Hermione

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