Last Tuesday I signed a lease on an apartment and by this time next week - I will be moved out of W's house and living on my own.
Oh I am not moving far - I love this city - love the community - so I found a lil apartment just 5 minutes down the road.
It was one of the hardest things I have ever done - deciding to leave W. I think I will always love him. But I have cried a river of tears for what was supposed to be - and now I am trying (operative word is TRYING) to smile over all the things that happened.
On the weekend I was taking down my curtains - struggling to get the screws out of the wall - crying silent tears of frustration and hurt and maybe some anger....... when suddenly memories started to flood my mind.....
I was standing on the ladder looking out on the driveway and I saw myself drive in 3 years ago - saw W almost bouncing up and down with excitement that I had finally arrived - saw W pull out the silver chain mail collar with a new BDSM pendant - engraved on the back and try to put it around my neck - right there in the middle of the driveway - no pomp no circumstance - just a simple declaration of ownership.
Later I was standing in the kitchen - trying to figure out how to sort out my kitchen things from W's kitchen things and I remembered that first day again and how I saw the finished kitchen for the first time - It was the most gorgeous kitchen anyone could ever have! And he had created it for me. I remember declaring how much I loved it and how I could sleep in it....... and I remembered how we laughed about that........
When I was in the bedroom - again taking down my curtains - I saw myself bouncing on the bed - watching W put the curtains up and being so happy so excited so in love...... not able to believe my good fortune that this was going to be my life forever!
And as this week trudges along and I pack more stuff - and hunt down more stuff - I am sure more memories will come flooding back .... happy memories.
The post from yesterday was done for a reason.......... I felt such incredible sadness for the last (umm I don't know ) 6 months or so......... the Dr Seuss saying "Don't cry because it's over - smile because it happened" touched something inside of me........ and it's true - I will try to smile more over the memories and cry less over the pain........
And so it is "the beginning of (yet another ) beginning"...............
You continue to inspire me. I'm so proud of you, not that I, a complete stranger, has that right, but I am nevertheless. If I had half of your strength and resilience in the face of real difficulties I'd be happy. Welcome to your new home.
ReplyDeleteAs Hil said, I have admired your strength from afar during this whole period. I have been amazed that, even after all the hurt, you are still able to respect (love) him and not get tangled in a war to the death.
ReplyDeleteI just hope that your amazing photo skills do not sit idle for too long
The very fact that you are attempting to find happiness where you can is a great sign that you're ready for this next step, this next apartment, and this next stage in your life! As Hil said, I'm so proud of you. You're tough as nails and will come out of this stronger than you went in. I promise. :-)
ReplyDeleteAlthough this is incredibly painful for you right now, I think this is the right thing for you to do. Starting over is always hard. I've done it a number of times now, but you have so many things going for you at the moment, I don't think you perhaps realise them all. Once you have moved, I suggest that you might want to sit down and just think through what you DO have going for you, all the positives, list them on a piece of paper. Try to see the positives in everything, even in the things that you now see as negative (e.g. being alone).
ReplyDeleteYou can do this - you are stronger than you think.