Sunday Sentiments

New Theme Song

My eldest daughter sent me this yesterday..... she believes in me - more than I believe in me now....

" gonna take back my life.... "

Get it?

Seeking serenity

I can finally return to yoga today after 2 weeks recovery from my surgery.  

I am hoping to find some inner peace and calm.

Stupid Me

It has been pointed out to me - more than once - that I tend to see the world through rose coloured glasses.  Shrug.  Maybe I do.  BUT you'd think wouldn't you that when one tries to do everything right - follow the rules - that they will come out ok - wouldn't you??

Well I worked for 20+ years and put money into what I thought was a private pension plan.  Then when I started to look into retiring I was told that because I worked for the government - that when I turned 65 my government pension would be subtracted from my private pension - which it turns out - the government did NOT consider all that private.  What that means in a nutshell is that come October my pension will be reduced by $200 a month!!!  It made me sick to my stomach then....... more so now.

Then - polishing the rose coloured glasses - my dream had been to move to Kingston when I retired.  My father had done all sorts of research and decided Kingston was the best city to retire to........... it has good hospitals (which one needs when one is "getting on")  it has theater ... it is half way between Montreal and Ottawa and Toronto ......... the taxes are cheaper ........... oh he made it sound like a retirement heaven.

W picked up on MY dream and decided we would move to Kingston (back when we were D/s).  Oh we talked about it in our vanilla voices........ even made promises to each other........... we sorted everything out....... I had my rose coloured glasses firmly planted to my face.... and it all seemed perfect!  I would get to move to my city of choice with the man of my dreams.  

Did I think twice about it?? NO...
Did I do any of my own research in case the promises... the D/s didn't work out ?? NO...


 NOW - I decide to take the rose coloured glasses off and look at what is facing me.... 


IF  - and it is just an IF right now - I have to find an apartment by myself I can't afford it.  Well I could find an apartment if I went to the student ghetto.....but finding a nice apartment in a middle class area - is going to be almost impossible.  
The rents are exorbitant.  To try and make ends meet I will have to give up the gym..... give up munches and dinners out - give up cable (well I might be able to afford basic cable) - maybe have to give up my car (have you seen the price of maintenance/licensing/gas these days??) AND even then I am not sure I will be able to make ends meet.  Am I looking at finding a part time job when all I wanted to do after 30+ years of working was enjoy retirement??

I only have myself to blame!  Dumb and dumber... that's me.  All the "should have's" sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear........ should have put more money away - should have looked into rents/costs on MY pension - not my father's - should have not sold / gotten rid of all my stuff when I downsized to move here to W's house - should never have put those damn rose coloured glasses on in the first place!!!

It's really frightening how damn stupid I have been !!!!

  
 

Sunday Sentiments

Skid in Sideways

This morning I read a very good article written by a very young woman entitled a Letter to Icarus.  In it she talked about throwing caution to the wind....... flying too close to the sun and plunging to close to the ocean.... Living Life to the fullest - rather than taking the safe middle of the road approach.

I sat up and read it again.  My god - she was describing my life.  I have always tried to please someone - definitely not myself. I have always tried to not rock the boat - to dress conservatively - to behave politely - to be totally and completely socially acceptable - blend in and not stand out.

Know what my wildest dreams have been for many many years??? to wear red and purple together - to hike my skirts up (yeah I know what skirts I never wear skirts) and show off blinged out running shoes.  I have wanted to wrap brightly coloured silk scarves around my neck ....... and short neck be damned!  I have wanted to party late and sleep late - and dance as though no one was watching.....

After reading the Letter to Icarus this morning I asked myself "what are you waiting for??"  I don't know what waits for me around that corner - but I do know it is way past time for me to plunge forward - round that corner and see what karma has waiting for me...with the following as my new mantra:

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a ride!" 
by Hunter S Thompson.  

Hobbies

 

As most of you know I have a passion for photography - well maybe not as much of a passion as I would like to think - as I tend to need some incentive to pull it out the camera and take pictures......... I am feeling as though it has all been done and there's nothing left.

Some of you might also be aware that I belong to a Photo Challenge Group.  Every two weeks a new challenge is put forth and we are supposed to take 5 shots based on the week's theme.  I have been remiss in the last month or so ...... between surgery and emotions my camera and the challenges have held no pull for me.

This week however - the leader of the group  is feeling a little under appreciated maybe?? there are apparently 200+ people in the group but only about 20 folks participate in the challenges.  He posted that this challenge was to see if folks wanted to keep the group going.  In order to answer that question our challenge was to post one favourite picture from the last year.  IF there are 50 photos posted then the group will continue.  I am pleased to report that as of yesterday there were 54 photos posted.

I had trouble finding one picture that I loved.  One that stood out for me.  There was one that has always called to me....... but I have never actually been able to use it because I was .. I don't know.. shy about posting it /exhibiting it.  It was from a photo shoot I did over a year ago...... I am not even sure I have posted it here.  I was sorely tempted - you have no idea how tempted I was - to post it as my favourite ...... despite it having a kinky undertone to it.....but I caved and posted this one instead....... 

 THIS is the photo that I would have loved to have posted.... I can honestly say it is my favourite picture.............

New Day - New Beginning

I have been doing a lot of soul searching...... and head banging... and yeah some crying... This has been a very painful ending ............ and a new beginning seemed so difficult - so very hard to take that first step forward - would I fall?? would I crash and burn ???? or would I walk straight on - head held high.

W used to say to me all the time when I was scared of something - "baby steps - just take baby steps".  And so I have been working on taking baby steps forward.  

And I have had absolutely amazing friends supporting me.... from a couple showing up after dinner one night and "kidnapping me" to go out for coffee (and no thunder bolt came down out of the heavens and struck me dead for going out without permission) - to friends who gently nudged me forward by going to munches with me - or agreeing to meet me at munches.. to being encouraged to come and sleep over so I could go to a munch - friends who just dropped in when I went a little too quiet - to laugh with me and chat with me....friends who offered everything from spankings to fuckings (I have to admit that made me laugh - fuck buddy??? I can't see myself as someone's fuck buddy) friends who suggested I start negotiating with different Tops for rope, for spankings, for whatever I wanted.  Believe it or not - it was such a new concept for me after 15 years as one man's submissive that I could and SHOULD start negotiating for the things I wanted... and that I had the right to want those things!

And yesterday I took one enormous giant heart pounding baby step.  I agreed to a play date!!  me !!  all by myself!!  no safety net - no W standing off to the side watching - protecting - monitoring.   I packed my toy bag.  I got in my car.  I punched in the address in the GPS and I drove myself.  My hands were shaking - my heart was pounding.  I was torn - really torn.  Should I be doing this???? and then I was there - and we were laughing and talking and going through my bag looking at the toys... and then - well then we were playing.......... and it all just kinda fell into place.

Need I say it was a HUGE success??? 

And this play session made me realize the whole world is open before me.  I am ready to step outside my comfort zone - go exploring - have fun - laugh and play and find me........ cause somewhere over the last 13+ years I think I lost "me"....... and I am discovering the woman that has been hiding all these years is really an ok woman...... and people actually like her ........ AND there is life after collared submission.

~~~~~~~

And the other thing I HAVE to say - W and I are (I hope) starting to heal too.  He was my best friend before he was ever my Sir....... I am hoping we can work our way back to "best friends" again. .... going out to movies and dinner and laughing and sharing and supporting each other.  Baby steps I know....... but that is my hope... to find my "bestie" again......... 

 

Prickly

I have been feeling a little prickly for the last couple of days........it isn't anything anyone has said or done... I am just prickly - pointe finale.

I use this blog to write out my feelings - and thoughts - and rants - and whatever the hell comes to mind.  But I am thinking I have over used this place for my inner most thoughts.... I think it is time for me to sort things out a little more privately.......

I'll be back - you all play nicely and share ............

Untitled

Now what?

It's funny how people see me as this "together "woman with all the answers - ok maybe not ALL but most.
 
In reality I am so far from together it isn't even funny.  Hell I don't even know how to write this post -  it needs to be written - cause 1) maybe someone has some ideas to help me and 2) I need to see it in black and white (so to speak)

What happens now??? Can someone tell me??

At the risk of shocking/overwhelming you .....

I want to be beaten

I want to be tied

 I want to hear the primal growl in my ear that makes my knees go weak

I want to be fucked 

I want to feel the butterflies in my stomach again.. the anticipation

I want to hear "good girl" or "I'm proud of you" again...





I took the first steps........ I changed my profile on Fetlife - I took a deep breath and just let it pour out....

Initially I got a few responses..... but vague / generic type responses...

"I'll tie you anytime"

"You need a beating - just ask".

Oh yeah and someone even read my "fetish" list and offered to use a strap-on on me.. 

So what is my problem????

How do I ask?  
Each of the responses were from folks in relationships........... I don't want .. GOD I DON'T WANT!! .... a pity scene with anyone... a pity fuck ... a pity tie... know what I mean???
AND I don't want to step on any relationship toes, just for the sake of having a scene.

AND I can't just go to a play party and beg for someone to play with me...... the whole thought of it makes my stomach tie up in knots and makes me want to lock myself in the bathroom and never come out........ 

So............ 

Now what?

Ish

I have been struggling (duh - now there's a revelation right) recently about what/who I am.  

I have been told that I was not a very good sub.  Lord knows I tried......... and have written about how difficult it is to be a sub in a void - a good one or a bad one - I turned out to be more of an "indifferent" one.... in a void.

Now that I am not "owned" by anyone - trying to see myself as a submissive is even harder than seeing that submissive in a void.  I have poked at different labels/roles - poked gently - and non too gently......... brat, submissive, slave, primal, masochist, bottom -  poked and prodded - tried them on in a small lil changing room in my head.  Which one fits best???  Do any of them fit??? Never mind all the other labels that hang off me like some loose price tag in a dress shop.  Mother, friend, photographer, grandma.............. ughhhhhhhh am I doomed to spend the rest of my life trying to sort this out??? Or just pack up my bags and move to a quiet corner of the Universe never to be seen again??? It was so much easier before when I was just a submissive (even a bad one) at least I knew what the hell I was!

And then this morning I read (on Fetlife) the most eye opening - inspiring piece of writing I have read in a long time.  It was called "Labels and Roles - Where do I fit in" by compliKated.   I think she wrote it just for me.  ( She referenced a children's book "Ish" by Peter Reynolds.  How did I teach for 20+ years and never came across this book??!!!)  Anyway............. compliKated made me sit up and pay attention.  She said she is "brat-ish, sub-ish, primal-ish" (and much much more)...... she helped me to see it is OK to be "ish" ........ I don't have to be - can't be - just one thing.

So ISH it is.......... brat-ish, bottom-ish, submissive-ish, primal-ish, old-ish, mother-ish, masochist-ish.  What fun!!!  I can be all of it and more........... Just don't "squish my ish" cause then I may become angry-ish!

Sunday Sentiments

Post Op

Well I have successfully passed the 72 hour post op period.  So someone want to tell me why I still have no energy????? Initially I had this thought of tidying up the house - dusting and running the vacuum today - but dear god - it's all I can do to get my ass out of the chair to make breakfast !!!  I had less trouble recuperating from the cancer surgery for god's sakes.

Never mind the fact the surgeon warned me I might (MIGHT??!!) be a little moody for a week or so.  Really ??!!!  I have been cycling through every emotion known to mankind every hour or so...... talk about an emotional roller coaster!

On the plus side (cause ya know I have to try and find a plus) they had pumped me full of carbon dioxide and Wednesday and Thursday I honestly thought they had broken my ribs and pelvic bone....... but I forced myself to go for two walks on Thursday and lo and behold I believe the gases are easing...... at least I am breathing easier and walking easier.

Oh well maybe once the weekend is over I will be more like myself........... 

Ten Years

On April 28th 2005 - ten years ago Tuesday - I wrote my very first entry in The Journey

If you are interested in reading those first historic words you can find them HERE.   

I had intended in posting this "anniversary post" on Tuesday (well I had planned to have it queued up to go for Tuesday - but as fate would have it - there were other pressing matters on my mind)


A few facts about The Journey.......

In ten years: 

* I have written 2,820 posts.  Over the ten years I have only missed 830 days.....not bad considering there are 3650 days in 10 years.  

* I have published 8895 comments (some didn't make the cut)

* I have 211 followers

* I have had a grand total of 259,399 visitors from the States
                                                   67,529 visitors from Canada
                                                   44,224 visitors from Great Britain
                                                   19,410 visitors from Germany
                                                   12,034 visitors from France
                                                     9,994 visitors from Australia
                                                     9,274 visitors from Russia
                                                     3,446 visitors from the Netherlands
                                                     1,686 visitors from China
                                                        985 visitors from Denmark
 

I guess I could do the tedious work of figuring out how many words I have spewed forth in the 10 years  -  but seriously!!!  not important.

There has been much laughter, sadness, joy, more than a few rants ....... there have been feeble attempts at educating / passing along knowledge (who did I think I was??!!) shared love and hate and anger............ I have written mostly for me.... my thoughts ... my knee jerk reactions .... my angst and my professed love ........ but mostly everything that has been recorded here is ME - thoughts from my heart........ written for me.

The days and years stretch before me....... what will be written here in the next 10 years - shrug - who knows.  I only know that there will be words written here..... because that is who I am........... and you are all most welcome to continue The Journey with me.

Here's to 10 years ............