It's funny how people see me as this "together "woman with all the answers - ok maybe not ALL but most.
In reality I am so far from together it isn't even funny. Hell I don't even know how to write this post - it needs to be written - cause 1) maybe someone has some ideas to help me and 2) I need to see it in black and white (so to speak)
What happens now??? Can someone tell me??
At the risk of shocking/overwhelming you .....
I want to be beaten
I want to be tied
I want to hear the primal growl in my ear that makes my knees go weak
I want to be fucked
I want to feel the butterflies in my stomach again.. the anticipation
I want to hear "good girl" or "I'm proud of you" again...
I took the first steps........ I changed my profile on Fetlife - I took a deep breath and just let it pour out....
Initially I got a few responses..... but vague / generic type responses...
"I'll tie you anytime"
"You need a beating - just ask".
Oh yeah and someone even read my "fetish" list and offered to use a strap-on on me..
So what is my problem????
How do I ask?
Each of the responses were from folks in relationships........... I don't want .. GOD I DON'T WANT!! .... a pity scene with anyone... a pity fuck ... a pity tie... know what I mean???
AND I don't want to step on any relationship toes, just for the sake of having a scene.
AND I can't just go to a play party and beg for someone to play with me...... the whole thought of it makes my stomach tie up in knots and makes me want to lock myself in the bathroom and never come out........
So............
Now what?
We are kindred spirits you and I. I feel the same I cannot just jump into a scene with just anyone. I will not beg someone to tie me up, I would love Russ to do it but he is not about the kink and I accept that about him. But it does feel like something is missing in my life. I do not want to impose on anyone's toes myself.
ReplyDeleteIt is normal to feel this way, I also feel torn cause I don't want the pity anything myself but I also don't want the relationship that can come along... it is a bit contrite but that is me.
I do not have the answers you seek but I what I do have is an ear you can talk to, shoulder to cry on and so forth.
oh the butterflies oh how I miss those myself.
Give yourself time, it is a great healer. You need to 'mourn' for the life you were expecting and which you have lost. then you can have space to move forward. You cannot change your basic needs, your identity but you will find a different way to have them met I am certain. Keep standing up for you. Hugs.
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