Heard .........

heard on FetLife this morning..........

"this community is not a commune"

and follow up to that....

"nor is it a 12 step program - or your personal therapist"


Yup some people "get it" 

State of the Union

Nah not THE state of the union - but the state of OUR union...............

I was thinking last night how things have changed around here... settled down into a comfortable rhythm ........... peek in our window and you would think this was/is a normal vanilla home.

At first I found that very hard to adjust to.......... at first I blamed myself.... at first I thought our union was over............ 

Now not so much.

I still, from time to time, long for the connection of kink that we had...but that's been slowly dwindling down to soft embers for a long time.  

I saw him play with two different women on New Year's eve - saw that gleam in his eye - heard the wicked chuckle - and I knew we would never have that ever again - cause that comes from being "new" .... from the excitement of playing with someone new.  I have watched him tease and mind fuck and talk with one of the newbies off in a corner at munches..... I see what we used to have.

I thought it would hurt more than it does... thought I would get all green eyed jealous - but nah not so much.

He has a blog - mostly secret - not something he talks about or advertises but it's there for the finding.  I check it out occasionally.  I see the kinks he likes. I see the younger women - I see the things that turn him on and know that never in a million years could I be that woman in the picture - sometimes that makes me sad.  But it is what it is - right?

Maybe what we need is to be poly? Maybe I need a Top that will beat my ass - tease me and mind fuck me and maybe even fuck me. Maybe we need play partners - and when the play is over come home to each other... to the comfortableness that is now us.

It's no one's fault this change in our state of our union.  It just happened... slowly over time.  Time eroding the excitement....... the challenge ...the desire.

BUT I still love this man - still wear his collar and his slave ring.......... and hopefully will till the day I die.

Two Things........

First --  I don't know if anyone reads the blog "Submitting Again" .... I went to read her latest installment the other day and it was GONE... poof gone.  I think it is weird as she had just posted a new entry ......... anyway - if anyone knows what happened if you could let me know ...... I do worry when folks just go poof in the night.


Second -- I had a new challenge for the Photo group I belong to.... "see through" It could be interpreted anyway you wanted..... here are my submissions............

 
Everyone else was braving the -30 temperatures to take spectacular pictures of the frozen landscape..... I was not brave and took this one.............

 and then - being me - I had to find something that no one else would think of doing.....a quick trip to the dollar store to buy a magnifying glass et voila.............

and then a little photo editing to jazz it up a bit........

In Disguise

I have been struggling for a few days now over a "friend request" on FetLife.  Yeah I know that's hardly worth worrying over........ but I need to work this out... (and probably try and explain it to my Sir who - I am sure - doesn't get my fixation over this issue)

When I get friend requests from folks I do not know - even after I have checked their profiles.. I always send a polite email saying something along the lines of "have we met somewhere?? "  This time when this "Kingstonmunch" account got my email - I got a rather snarky answer back that said - in my words - 'fuck off you don't need to know who I am.'

So I didn't friend them.

BUT 

it bugged me.  The profile said they were only in existence to organize munches in our fair city.  HUH??? We have munches/coffee and sloshes almost every week.  If we broaden our traveling time you have a munch every single weekend.  Why do we need yet another munch??? (AND don't try feeding me the line 'well it is a munch with no politics or drama" --  really NO drama??!!  really!)

But the bigger question was "why did they feel the need to hide their real identity?"  Huh why??!!!

If I wanted to organize an event - I would just create an event - let's say a movie outting to see 50 Shades of Grey.  I would say something to the effect of "I am going to see 50 Shades on such and such a day - who wants to join me?? Perhaps we can do coffee afterwards to critique the movie".

That's what I would do. 

But then I have nothing to hide.

Sock accounts always lead me to believe someone has something to hide.  Why would I friend such a person .......... and why in God's name would I go to any event planned by someone who is hiding in the shadows?!!

Well that's where my thought processes had gotten me to until yesterday, when I started getting emails and text messages from folks asking if I knew this "Kingstonmunch" person.  Turns out there were a few more folks who had sent off emails asking "who are you and have we met" and got met with the same snarky "fuck off" answer. (how to win friends and influence people right?)

Then last evening I spoke out publicly on a couple of groups where there were discussions about this KM person. I asked politely "who is the person behind that sock account?" 

I should have seen it coming - but I didn't.  One of the group owners tore me  a new one.  Told me I could NOT post my opinion on their group - could NOT insist someone tell me who they were.  (which I guess is quite correct - I can not force someone to tell me who they are)  So I removed myself from that group (that claims to welcome everyone and their opinions) and shrugged it off.

But I can't help but wonder why this person needs to hide ............. what are they hiding? especially in a community that is supposed to build relationships based on trust.   And how come there are only a few of us that are questioning this odd behaviour (for lack of a better term) It amazes me how many "lemmings" are joining up to friend a sock puppet............. it really does make me go "ummmmmmm?!"

Day 5 of the 5 day Challenge

Here are the last submissions for the 5 day Challenge.............

"I can see clearly now.................."

 animal tracks in the morning sunshine

 Ice Cold 

Sunday Morning Sentiments

Day 4 of the 5 day Challenge

This is my contribution to the challenge for the 4th day - no editing done as it was a busy day yesterday............. 

proof positive that I haven't as of yet killed the poinsettia plant my niece brought me over the holidays.....  

 proof positive I stuck to my "healthy eating plan" - left over Christmas chocolates  - used to bring the leftovers to school - now they sit neglected in the living room 

 bristles from the outdoor broom........

Day 3 Challenge

Soooooooo I took my 3 pictures for day 3 of the challenge...... and posted them.... and looked at them... and went "BORING!!"

So I took the pictures off to my editing program and redid them....

For your viewing pleasure - the originals then the edited versions...

1)

  Edited version

2)

Edited

 



3)

 
Edited version

Challenge Day 2

Did I say it was cold ??? yeah - too cold to go outside for a photoshoot........... 

So.... Day 2.... 

and may I present the lowly coke tin...........

Challenge

A teaching friend of mine from Montreal challenged me on facebook to join her "3 photos a day for 5 days project".

I agreed - gee big surprise there right?? (cheeky grin)

Seeing as I don't have much to write about during these cold days of January - I thought for the next few days I would share my contributions to the challenge.

Day 1

 

Sexy

The inside of the oven had turkey drippings and roast beef drippings and some mystery spills.  It needed to be cleaned.

Saturday morning found me - head in the oven - ass in the air - feeling less than sexy - and a whole lot grungy.

I heard Sir come into the kitchen

I heard the drawer open

I heard the utensils being jostled about

He wouldn't right?!

Then I felt the plastic spoon connect with my ass........ once twice multiple times

Ever tried pulling your head out of an oven quickly?

Doesn't work well.

The ass got a thorough spanking

The oven (finally) got a thorough cleaning.

Sexy is in the eyes of the beholder 

 

Sunday Sentiments

Better Way

I believe there has to be a better way...........

a better way to deal with pain
a better way to deal with fear
a better way to deal with anger
a better way to deal with worry
a better way to deal with tension

I think it is long past time for me to find this better way.

 

Wow

Wow.... 

Obviously my blog Je Suis Charlie raised some eyebrows.

You know folks - I didn't say that the cartoonists at Charlie Hebdo deserved to die... they didn't.  The same way the innocent Jewish shoppers didn't deserve to be taken hostage or to die. 


I appreciate your comments Keth and Anonymous trying to make me see the situation in a different light.  

Unfortunately I still believe 
1) in the need for taking responsibility for things we say and do
2) in freedom of speech and the press


And I believe in the right to agree to disagree

"Je suis Charlie"

Over the last week or so there has been shock and anger and rallying 'round the Charlie Hebdo staff and magazine.  There have been cries of "freedom of the press" and "free speech" and every sort of rhetoric one can think of.  People are angry.

I have been fence sitting over this one..... trying (as only I can) to shut the whole thing out... to make it go away - because it doesn't fit into "my world"... none of it...not the cartoons.. not the murders... not the "rally 'round the flag" mentality.

But then the noise - the voices and pictures pushed their way into my world.  And I decided it was time to find out more.... 

So I went looking for these Charlie Hebdo cartoons.... and I discovered every religion .. every group is a target for their satire.

That took some of the steam out of my argument.

But not all of it.

Yes I believe in freedom of the press and Yes I believe in freedom of speech - but I also believe those freedoms come with responsibility and respect.   And truthfully folks I am not seeing a whole lot of that from Charlie Hebdo.  What I am seeing is a shock for shock's sake.  I am seeing a group of "journalists" running amok - saying what they think will get a rise out of folks.... trying very hard to be shocking and the center of attention ... at the expense of a whole lot of innocent folks. And that just doesn't sit well with me.

I believe in freedom of speech and freedom of the press - after all we have fought some tough battles to get them - and I am not advocating turning back the clock.  I am just feeling that we are taking advantage of those freedoms - and forgetting that with freedoms come the responsibility for what we say - and maybe just maybe having some respect for the thousands of folks who are caught in the fall out from our clever little satirical cartoons or editorials.....

But then - that's just me.

Editing

Remember I told you all I got a photo editing program for Christmas.....

I have been spending a whole mess of time trying to learn how to use it.... 

Thought I'd share my latest editing............... 


this is the picture I was working with (our garden shed)

And here's what I did to it....  

Now I am still a little unclear on how/why I want to do this to my pictures........ Sir says it is an arty farty thing.... (shrug) still not sure I want to alter my pictures to create an arty farty shot - it's more fun trying to get those shots with my camera.......... but hey..... I'll keep on learning it..and maybe some where along the way I'll get the "why".... 

200 Years

After a huge build up for the last 6 months - Canada (but specifically Kingston) celebrated Sir John A MacDonald's 200th birthday this weekend.  

There were so many different events - and we chose two that interested us the most.  On Saturday we went to Bellevue house (Sir John's home for a period of time) for a birthday party complete with cupcakes

 hay rides......  which we didn't do - wayyyyyy too cold!

and costume fun.......

and through the magic of "green screen" Sir and I did some time travel

Sunday was a political celebration........ lots of politicians' speeches... Indian protestors ... and more cold!!  

Always lots to do ............

Sunday Sentiments

Inside the darkness

I have been thinking a lot about this blog entry - I have tried to discuss this topic in the past - not discuss per say - just get my thoughts out there so maybe they would make some sense to me......

Cause trust me when I say - I don't get this masochism any more than the next person.  I don't think it is is something to strive for.... Truthfully if I had my choice I wouldn't be a masochist........ it's just too much hard work - for me and the person playing with me.

Let me just review what has brought me here to this point...........

New Year's Eve after a 45 minute (or so) session by 3 Doms...........

24 hours later

and 10 days later I still have pale yellow bruising....  

Those bruises you can see.  BUT the bruising inside - in my mind - you can't see...... and I think those bruises are the worst!

Let's look at how this works......... this playing with the masochist that is ME.

Step one is to get me past the pain...... and in my addled brain it is like pushing a big rock up a steep hill.......... cause the spanks, the whips, the floggers - they hurt at the beginning....... the soft gentle starts... the sensual touching and flogging feel amazing but it has to build - HAS TO - to feed the beast that is the masochist in me.

Once I am there............ teetering on the edge.............

There is no pain - just pure stimulus.  Enough stimulus and I can and do spontaneously orgasm.......... NOT earth shattering mind numbing body trembling orgasms - but still I orgasm.  AND then you know you have me where you want me... where I want me. 

The pure blinding pain grips my brain.... dragging the beast inside me out to play.  It is so primal that when I think about it after - it scares me.  The beast will (literally) wiggle my ass at the Doms - will taunt them for more and more.  The beast takes control of my body and mind.  

And the rock teeters on the edge...... 

And the pain consumes me......

And then it ends.  Someone pushes that rock over the edge and sends it screaming down............I go from intense pain to nothing.  

P L U N K

hit rock bottom and spin there...........

and spin

and spin

Sometimes for days.

My brain is trying to process the pain that is still happening...... both in my mind and in my body.  

Gone are the soft sensual touches from the beginning........ gone ......... nothing left but intense dark pain.



I have been wondering if - instead of pushing me over the edge by an abrupt end ....... if perhaps there was more of the sensual pain again.. the soft gentle teasing ...... if perhaps there were whispers in my ear - centering my brain - making me focus in the NOW..... if afterwards - some time later - when I can tolerate - when I need - I wonder if I was wrapped up in loving gentle arms........... I wonder if my body was given a massive earth shattering - body trembling orgasm - to release the pent up emotions - pent up confusion........ if I was made to feel loveable again.......... if it would help with the endorphin withdrawal..... with the residue anger the beast has left........... 


Because I do NOT feel loveable after.......... and that makes me cry.  And I vow never again..... EVER.

Until the need comes ........ and the body is screaming for it............ and once more the rock is pushed up the hill ..............

Just Another Quiz

I read a post on Fetlife the other day - someone had never taken those BDSM quizzes and did ........ and posted the results..... which made me wonder what I would get... (yeah yeah I tend to be a follower - geee are we surprised??)  Anyway........ I took the quiz and got the results ................

94% Masochist
86% Bondage receiver
85% Submissive
83% Slave
70% Experimentalist
61% Fetishist
53% Multiplayer
44% Degradation receiver
19% Pervert
17% Vanilla
6% All-rounder
5% Dominant
5% Master/Mistress
2% Bondage giver
0% Degradation giver
0% Sadist
0% Switch

Believe it or not - the results surprised me a bit.  Oh not the masochist bit - or the submissive/slave bit - but the bondage receiver did........ I haven't ever shown any great interest in bondage - maybe I need to explore that side of me more. 

And what the hell is a pervert?? seriously !!  I always thought perverts were people who did stuff like peeking through windows, or watching porn....... I should have 0%  not 19%!!  so someone tell me - what is pervert.

All in all it pretty much describes me............. 17% Vanilla eh??? so much for thinking I could ever go back I guess 

Broken

Last night the dishwasher broke - and NO - slapping her won't make it work - I know I tried.......... 

So this morning I am faced with two sinks full of dishes that have caked on food - cause who rinses their dishes before putting them in the dishwasher???!!! and still have the top shelf of the dishwasher crammed with coffee cups and glasses and one lone casserole dish...........

I wanted to go to the gym this morning - bright and early.  Best laid plans and all that crap.

Hopefully Sir will find someone to come and look at the dishwasher .. and more hopefully the damn thing will be fixed today.  I am not a techie freak - don't much like all those gadgets that most find necessary to their daily lives - smart phones come to mind....... but my dishwasher??!!!  I HAVE to have my dishwasher....... le sigh

And I had such a good entry thought out for today...... about masochism and sub drop and all that nonsense...........

Off to dip my dainty fingers in hot soapy water .......

Monday Morning.............

First things first....... I am pleased to report that after just 3 applications of the Arnica (a masochist's best friend) my bruises are now pale yellow with some black dots...... they are itchy and tender to the touch.   (though Sir didn't listen when I said "still tender" as he decided - when he was inspecting them this morning - to give each cheek a spank to test out the tenderness) le sigh.

Ok so back tracking a little bit........
We had the play party on Wednesday evening to welcome in 2015.  On Thursday we had our annual Open House for about 30 of our kinky friends.

So after only a few hours sleep I turned this mess in the kitchen..............

into this smorgasbord in the dining room by 4 pm........

It was amusing - well to me - that I had put an end time for the party at 10pm - and at 10 a couple of people asked for more coffee.....it appeared that the last of the guests were not quite ready to head out into the snowy night.  

BUT Mother Nature - the best Dom of all - ended the party by causing a power failure.  Folks left by the light of their cell phones... and because I really couldn't see to do much of anything in the way of clean up - I fell into bed exhausted.

Friday and Saturday were clean up days......... and Sunday was spent rubbing Arnica on my bruises curled up on the sofa in front of the television.......... but all the food and all the decorations and every sign of the holidays had vanished for another year.

All in all - despite some glitches - it was an excellent holiday! 

 

Sunday Sentiments

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
on another note :  this is day 4 of the bruising - Sir has made an emergency run to the drugstore to buy some Arnica cream........ here's hoping it will work it's magic