"Yesterday"

 When we were leaving the play party on New Year's Eve - someone - a stranger to me - stopped me and said "you are my hero - 'when I grow up I want to be just like you' " I stopped dead in my tracks.  She explained she had watched the beating... THE BEATING.  When did I become the poster child for beatings and masochism??

Then there was some chatter on Fet Life about the Dom that gave me the hand spanking that caused the bruising.  He came back with a "stop you will ruin my reputation for being a sensual Dom".  Yet he had become a Sadistic dom to please me??? to please himself?? I don't understand... I honestly don't understand.  

I want sensual too........ I want the bruising WITH the sensual....... it used to be like that... now it is just a challenge to see who can mark me.... 

And I wonder - if I tear up my masochist card - destroy it - what am I then?  nothing?  Will I have no value at all?? 

I just know I hate feeling like I have been hit by a truck for days after........... there is nothing sexy or sensual about that........... aren't I entitled to sensual too like everyone else??? Aren't I entitled to warm fuzzy feelings for days after - instead of feeling like some kind of freak??  Aren't I entitled to hear "you are amazing" "you made me proud" - some positive feedback - something other than "did you see the beating she took?!"

And the song "Yesterday" keeps going round and round in my head........

"Yesterday........ all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh I believe in yesterday"