Trust and Intimacy

 More than 13 years ago I slipped my hand into W's and gave to him a level of trust that no one else has ever had - or will ever have.  I know without a second thought that I am safe with W..... that if it is in his power nothing will ever "hurt" me.............  

The other evening we were discussing a Halloween Party we have been invited to.  W asked me if I wanted to go............ I sat for a while thinking about it.... and then said 'No I didn't want to go..... '  I told W that it would be very difficult to attend a party and not play.  W suggested I find someone to beat my ass.  The tears came then....... and through the tears I declared "I don't WANT to play with anyone else - I just want to play with You" and in my heart I stamped my foot.

Since that discussion I ran scenarios through my head.  There is one Dom whom I know - who would beat me if I asked - if he knew he had W's blessings......... and I pictured playing with him and almost immediately knew it wouldn't work.  

I gave my trust to W........ I gave my heart to W........... and something as intimate as turning my body over to a virtual stranger just wouldn't work.  My need for a beating is much more than a need for pain...... it's a need for the intimacy that comes from W beating me - pushing my limits - touching my burning skin.... my burning mind and my beating heart.  I need to feel that intimacy... that trust and I won't find that from a 'stranger'.