High Road

Almost 3 months ago I announced I was going to "take the high road" And I know there are some who will probably question this blog entry. But I have had a few comments and private emails saying 'no one ever writes about break ups - how to do it.. etc"

My advice is to do IT quietly. No matter how many times you feel you are being goaded into exploding outward do IT quietly. I know it is amazing how many rush to watch the "train wreck" but don't give them anything to see. When I first announced my "uncollaring" the daily hits on The Journey topped 200 a day - which is HUGE compared to my normal days.

Don't think for one minute it is easy to do IT quietly - it isn't... especially when there are rumours and gossip flying around.. especially when you feel you are being pushed into reacting.

See this period in your life as an amazing opportunity to learn. I know I have learned about personal space and personal boundaries... and a spin off on the old saying from school "your job my job" now it is "your shit my shit". Learn that you are a strong independent soul.... and have the tools at hand to stop most of the rumours/gossip getting through your "walls". Block/ban/spam. Pull your walls in close around you.. pull your closest friends in tight around you.

Don't stop living - no matter how much it hurts! It is important despite the high walls of protection - to let the world see you are alive and well. Hold your head up high - ok ok that one took me awhile to master. I went to work I came home. I spent time with family and close friends and I came home. BUT I finally felt ready to actually go out!

And when I did - I stepped out with head held high and back straight. I had nothing to be ashamed of. The weeks and months of taking the high road paid off. No one thought evil thoughts of me - or if they did - they sure didn't say them to my face. Quite the opposite. It is amazing how word spreads in this "community". I had taken the high road. I did not turn this non-event into a train wreck. And the people who really matter............. well they know. They do. Even when we think no one else knows what we are going through... they know... they just do.

One of the most interesting things that was said to me over these last few weeks was from someone I only called an acquaintance. She said " the best thing about this "divorce" and division of property..... we got you!"



So now I am here. And here is a very good place to be. And to quote my favourite author Dr. Seuss...... from his book "Oh the places you'll go"

"You have brains in your head You have feet in Your shoes You can steer yourself any direction you choose You're on your own And you know what you know You're the guy who'll decide where to go!"

Moment caught in time

The darkness was deep........... I was lost in it.. in the darkness..... not quite alone but almost alone. I heard growls and knew they were coming from deep inside of me... I was facing a challenge.. no.. more than a challenge ... a dreaded adversary

The first however many hits were teeth rattling ......body arching .. foot stamping ..cursing hits. But there were the individual ones.. the ones that made me clutch at thin air, grab for something solid... made my breath catch, and world shrink way down........ to a spot........ those were the worst.

I knew the challenge was two fold.. to accept and ride the pain.. to claim it... to make it mine! and the challenge to find my limits......

I was down to one finger holding on........ body weak and sagging... no strength.... too much....... ENOUGH !!

I may have cried out... I know I turned.. I know I begged... the wall was there and my body was hitting it and hitting it.. like a battering ram... and it wouldn't come down... ENOUGH!

And then he was there ........... pulling me tight into his body .. holding me tight...repeating.. "you are ok.. you are safe" I was crying.... and he held me tighter soft lips brushing against burning skin, the words "you are safe.... you are ok" locked forever in my brain.

A moment caught in time.

Predicament

The definition of "predicament bondage" is:
A situation in which the submissive must choose between uncomfortable options.
For example predicament bondage might present the bottom with a choice between two increasingly painful positions


Now I won't even pretend that the goal last night was to put me into predicament bondage...... but on a personal level it was major predicament bondage.

I was under the impression that the goal for last evening had virtually nothing to do with me. I invited friends over for dinner......... and I was under the impression after dinner they were going to go off and play........... (I also had worked out that I would clean up the dinner dishes/ play on the pc / read my book / and if time allowed curl up and watch some television. That was MY plan)

Except it didn't really work out that way.

The submissive (or maybe the friend) in me wanted to facilitate the transition from dinner to play..... plainly put I wanted to disappear. I even offered at one point to go and start the dishes........

BUT what landed up happening ....... ropes were brought out and I was bound. This way - then that way - then another way, as they plotted for a tie that I would not be able to pull a "Houdini".

At first I figured ok tie me up throw me on the sofa... and go play .. come back and see if I was still awake. That worked for me (cheeky grin)

BUT that didn't appear to be their plan....... (though truthfully this morning I am not clear on what the plan was)

I have been tied by the best. And I have wiggled out of almost every tie done to me. (IF I put my mind to it.) The thing is.......... ropes are like living beings ..... they move they stretch they mold. I learned early on that if I didn't fight the ropes, if I simply relaxed into them, if I simply allowed the ropes to caress my body - I could find the weak spot. And having found the weak spot, I could wiggle out of them - most times without even untying a knot.

It was fun last night..... and I thoroughly enjoyed being the brat.. smiling at them while all the while my mind was searching for that one weak spot.. the key to slipping out of the bondage.

I found it quite quickly and wondered how long I could let everything stay in place... how long could I pretend?? The brat won. And almost in less time than it took to tie me i was stepping out of the ropes.

Almost immediately I did not feel good about what I had done. Maybe I should have stayed tied. Maybe I shouldn't have been such a brat !!! After all I can be a pro at mental bondage. Forbid me to enter a room without permission I will stand there till the cows come home, or you decide to see me - which ever comes first.

I feel as though I am caught - a little bit- between a rock and a hard place. I like to please.... I like to be pleasing. I don't always have to be a brat. My mother always used to say - there is a time and a place for everything. She was right.

I am no closer this morning to the answer - did I make the right choice in my "predicament bondage". Probably there is no right answer.

But I am doing some major rethinking on this "brat" personae that seems to have emerged with a vengeance in the last 5 - 6 weeks.

Limits

It seems just lately "limits" have been popping up in my life - again. Truthfully it is one of those things that I kinda figured I had done to death - back in the early years of my involvement with BDSM.

God - sometimes I can be so damn wrong !!!

I was having a chat with a 'newbie' and she was confused by limits. Her attitude pretty much parallels mine...... which is most definitely not politically correct.

"Limits?? I don't have limits"

The first argument supporting the above statement is........ how can you know what your limits are until you try something??? Much like how do you know you will like eating some new food until you taste it???

The second argument I have supporting the above statement is...... What if something was a hard limit.... times change .. people change.... and now you want to try it again for the second or third or fourth time??

The one thing I am learning in this new journey I am on...... is playing with someone is a bit like dancing. (ok ok .. hang on I will try and explain) Let's say you have a regular dance partner - for years. You don't dance with anyone else. Then one day you go to a dance alone. You find a new dance partner and suddenly it is like you have to learn how to dance all over again. You may discover you can suddenly do dips that you could never do before.. because the new dance partner has a different way of holding you/supporting you. shrug.. does it mean the last dance partner was bad?? no.... just different.

Last weekend S&S had a talk with me. They had played harder with me than ever before... They were under the impression they had pushed me hard over my pain limit. They had been using wood.......... wood paddles wood spoons.. everything wood.

What we hadn't discussed was I LOVE wood. It is probably my second favourite toy. I honestly don't believe I have a pain threshold with wood.

BUT ......... they have never used floggers on me. I couldn't figure out why. It turns out that I had said something to the effect of "I hate floggers - they make a cold breeze and I HATE cold". S&S took that as a hard limit. Definitely a small communication break down.

I assured them IF they want to push my limits.. to have me "yellow" a play time.. or even "red" a play time they might try floggers. (Mind you.. in all honesty - I am thinking the quirt might bring out a yellow in me too.. it has come close... very close)

The point I am trying to make is that I believe limits are something that develop with time. When playing with someone new - asking if they have limits is an excellent idea. But then I would never assume those limits are engraved in stone... cause hey....... you are the "new dance partner" and maybe that limit won't really be a limit anymore.

I have been thinking that maybe "negotiations" might be a much better way of establishing "no fly zones" than listing obscure play tactics. And I mean negotiating regularly - maybe even before each play time!! Allowing - even encouraging - a sub (cause ya know some of us need encouraging to talk) to say "I would like to try a, b or c." Dominants could use this time to introduce ideas to a sub ........ teasing .. building anticipation by saying research figging and tell me what you think of doing that.

I don't know.. asking a sub to state their limits seems to me - to put too much responsibility on one set of shoulders. Instead of requesting limits... building trust and a bond is more important in my mind. Knowing the Dominant will push.. but will also listen to you.. hear you is important. Knowing the submissive is empowered to say STOP that fucking hurts too much. Knowing that play is a team sport....... and everyone should be actively participating is more important to me than a limp list of limits.

And that is my opinion !

Schedule

Over these last 5 weeks of playing with S&S I am aware of a definite schedule of events happening.........

I had to give it more than a week or two... thinking it was coincidence... but after 5 straight weeks of the same things happening.. I am fast coming to the conclusion this is a pattern.........

Day 1 - Saturday - We play - hard. very hard. scary hard (to some folks who watch and comment)

Day 2 - Sunday - I snuggle - I tend to my ass which is always marked - I take long bubble baths - sometimes I even masturbate - I am partially focused but still pretty dreamy - usually S&S drop by for coffee to check up on me

Day 3 - Monday - much less dreamy - the ass still hurts (mildly) I am much more focused.

Day 4 - Tuesday - the itching starts. Now I have no idea why my ass itches so much on day 4 - but it does. S&S say it is the healing process. By day 4 there are hardly any marks left - and virtually no ouchies.

Day 5 - Wednesday - the body is healed - the mind is alert - and the "beast" inside has begun it's weekly growth spurt. I am jonesing. I want MORE! Sometimes S&S drop by for coffee (adding fuel to the fire ??? building the anticipation??)

Day 6 - Thursday - my mind has started the count down to Saturday. I feel the slow build of anticipation in my belly. The beast grows stronger.

Day 7 - Friday - my skin is electrified - I am jumpy and edgy - I am like an addict looking for their next fix.


This is my weekly schedule......... there is something exciting and fun about it.. There is also something that worries me (mildly) This week the build up to Day 1 is much more intense. My nerve endings feel raw exposed. I wonder how big this beast within will grow.......... will I be able to control it???
I. do. not. like. losing. control.

But then as a friend says - It is what it is. So I guess I just grab hold and hang on tight.

Decadence

Did you know that decadent means "having low moral standards and interested only in pleasure"??? I thought it meant sinful - and I always associated the word with chocolate - BUT - I had to check the spelling (cause it just didn't look right - know what I mean) and that is how I discovered the true definition.

Ok that isn't really what I had planned to write about...... BUT yesterday was a truly decadent day. A tease. A promise of what is to come. A trickle of dark decadent chocolate sliding off a spoon and down your body - with a tongue just waiting to lick off the excess.

It was sunny and hot here in my corner of the Great White North. I was up more or less at the crack of dawn....... threw some laundry in the machine and headed outside to work on my back garden. I trimmed, I weeded, I turned the soil, I got dirty and sweaty and it felt absolutely delicious.

I was so inspired by the sunshine that when I finished the gardens I dragged the umbrella outside, the cushions for the wicker furniture, hung the oriental stones, hid the fairies under the bushes and re-invented my secret garden for yet another season.

And then I raided my stash of summer reading and curled up outside under the red umbrella and read and drank coffee and relaxed and felt absolutely decadent.

Unfortunately I had to return to work today...... yesterday was just a little tease. But anticipation is a good thing, a very good thing. In exactly 5 and 1/2 weeks I will be free to indulge my decadent desires all day - every day.

YUMMY!

Inner thoughts

Do you remember the ad....... "This is your brain on drugs"???? Well the picture above is my brain on endorphins. Yup.. that pretty much sums it up... all bright colours and shapes .. and nothing much concrete.

Sunday morning as I slipped between the cool sheets on my way to sleep... my ass sent electric charges to my brain.

When I finally give up on sleep restoring my tired body.... I presented my ass to the mirror.... and looked....... admiring the welts and bruises and touching gently this spot and that spot...... feeling the heat, letting the dull ache caress my mind.

I have vague memories of hands holding me.. of leather biting.. of tension and release, memories of paddles spanking, hands kneading, nails digging, wooden implements thudding, bright lights and dancing music, ice melting running down my legs puddling on the floor, my own wetness spreading saturating, musky scents, intense eyes staring, laughter and giggles and swearing and stamping feet.

Focus is not a word in my vocabulary. Words do not form easily. It is all bright colours and sensations and warm fuzzies.

Finally a need to hear their voices...... to know my world is right side up... and they are there... helping me to process the colours and the sounds and the fragmented memories. Slowly it all takes shape ...... and makes sense.........

The colour of the day is black and blue..... and the number is 5

Assumptions

It was brought to my attention this week that maybe I should write a little bit about this S couple I am currently playing with.

I have heard "stuff" that has made me realize there are a whole mess of "assumptions" going on out there........ and we all know what assume does right?? (makes an ass out of you and me)

So in the interest of not making asses out of a whole mess of people.... I will explain a little bit about the S couple......... if I leave something out.. please feel free to ask more direct questions..........

It was a totally chance meeting at a play party. They were playing with my play party buddy and I felt a sense of....... duty?? (for lack of a better word) to stand and watch and make sure he was ok... be his "spotter".

The week after that we all met for coffee a few times. Talk got around to playing ... and the next event coming up....... and well one thing led to another and I asked if maybe they would like to play with me. The "beast" the craving the need had awakened within me. They said yes....... it was a done deal!

When we played everything clicked.... It is difficult to explain in 100 words or less why / how it clicked... trust me it did. I thoroughly enjoyed my evening... and wondered if there would be more evenings.

And of course - you have all assumed and been right in your assumptions, there have been 4 other events where we have played.

They are sadists........ and they were looking for masochists to play with. My only concern was that perhaps I was not a masochist as that limit had never really been pushed (well not in my mind) Well it turns out I am masochist enough for them :)

Ok so we meet at play parties .... we play... and I come home alone. We have been seeing each other during the week for coffee... we have phoned each other and written emails to each other. We have laughed and talked and laughed some more. A friendship is budding.......... and that dear friends is a good thing.

Now.......... I am not collared to them..... they are not looking to collar anyone. I have not been fucked by them........ they are not looking for a sex toy...... I am not owned by them in any way shape or form. I am "under their protection" which is just an expression that is pretty much self explanatory ......... When we are out and about .........other doms know that I have some one watching out for me... If I play with other doms they know there will be someone keeping an eye on the play.

This is a very good place for me to be right now. I don't want anyone in my life full time. (at least not now - there are still some major hurts and trust issues to repair) AND they know about those issues. One of the nice things about this "relationship" is I can dump my shit in their laps ..and we talk about it...... and they make suggestions and give me their 2cents worth of advice ... AND they have no expectations on my taking it....they just help me sort out my feelings...... my fears (yeah I have some fears) .. my anger (you bet I still have some anger!!) They are helping me heal.. they are my bandaide so to speak.

So - are we all clear on the concept? I am not their collared indentured slave. I am not their sex toy. I am not anything more than someone to play with. My own brand of "friends with privileges"

Now hopefully there will be no "asses" running around out in blog land. And I sincerely hope that if I have missed an assumption you will step up and ask.

tick tock tick tock

At 5:00 this morning when my eyes popped open I thought it is Friday. Finally. The start of a busy weekend....... YAY

I threw myself into work....... pushed and focused on the piles of paper ... talked to more lawyers ... didn't look at the clock once ..... (well not really) so when I did glance at it.. I figured my day would be almost done.......... wrong.... it was only 11:00 am and I still had 2 hours to go..... woe's me.

Once home I was fidgeting...... looking at the clock every 5 minutes it seemed... so I took myself outside with shovel and shears and rakes and set to trimming the front bushes, digging the front gardens... pulling up weeds.... making it all neat and tidy and pretty looking. I even came in and made myself some food........ looked at the clock and there was 3 and a half hours till I had to be ready to go. MY GOD!!!

Ok.. so be smart.. go lie down and have a nap. Yup a nap will pass the time. And since my "I want to die" virus...... I have mastered napping.. got it down to a fine art. I even set the timer to make sure I didn't nap toooooooooo long.

Well yes I napped... and opened my eyes and peered at the clock. Figured my eyes must be more than a little blurry from my nap........put on my glasses and discovered............ I had only napped for 20 minutes.........

So now I sit and listen to the clock taunting me.. slowly beating out a tattoo of tick tock tick tock......... 2 more hours........ what an impossibly long day........

tick tock tick tock.

Craving

When you look at me ......... do you see it? The burning deep within....... the craving ...... the beast gnawing at my insides....... hungry .. waiting......

This craving needs to be fed before the fires consume me..my skin burns.. This craving beats within my heart..my heart pounds hard against my chest.... this craving gnaws at my innards... my stomach aches.... this craving is consuming me.

Can you see it?

Does it scare you like it scares me?

Sleep eludes me - I lie awake at night and fantasies that are now reality swarm around my bed. They taunt me... They call me by name....... my body quivers ......... the craving grows............

Can you see it??

Can you handle it?? Can you tame it ...even for a day or two??

Mundane News

I went back to work a week ago........ a week ago today. I went back to work against my doctor's advice......... though she signed the back to work papers she warned me I really wasn't ready. PFFFFFFFFFT What did she know???!! I was feeling fit as a fiddle... right as rain... perfect.

Besides I have this work ethic that says .... If I am well enough to play (and my god I have played!!) I am well enough to return to work.

WRONG !!!!!

As the doc explained to me.. I was fit to play and socialize and do all the little household things that need doing........... because......... I was able to put my feet up .. have a little snooze... recharge the batteries in between all that activity.

I can't do that at school.

All that to say it was a rough few days.

On Monday the head of HR called me over some legal issues that came up last week......... and then told me that THE BOARD (dontcha love that generic word) had decided I shouldn't be working full time yet. THE BOARD decided that I needed someone to come in and relieve me at 3:00 and I was to go home and put my feet up.

Panic hit. Did they think I couldn't do my job??? I couldn't live on part time salary!!! Sometimes I can be so damn dense!!! No THE BOARD knew I could do my job....... and they wanted to make sure I would be doing my job for a long time. And they understood that the money was why I came back early in the first place. They were insisting I take it slow. In fact they insisted so vehemently - they even agreed to pay the salary for the woman who is replacing me!!! AND I would still get full pay!!

Talk about smack me upside the head. Sometimes I really do find it hard to accept that people see me as a valuable commodity (LOL yup.. I am a commodity)

So now I work a couple of hours in the morning.. and a couple of hours in the afternoon and come home and have a nap. I feel like I am 3 years old again... I figure the next thing will be cookies and milk when I wake up.

So .. health wise I am muddling along. I figure by July (cheeky grin) when I board the plane for my visit to The Heron Clan, I will be fit as a fiddle ........ 100%... my old self again.

On the BDSM front..... my dance card is full. What an amazing feeling for this old bird !!!

I am all " a twitter" right now, because on Friday the S couple (remember them SS and S.S ??) they are taking me to a local club where they are putting on a demo on spanking and all the implements that go with it. AND I am to be ....... can you guess?? ........ the spankee !! What fun!!

As a dear friend says "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams....... Live the life you imagined" ...........I am...... and loving every minute of it !

Tears

Hours - days later - as predicted - the tears come. They start slowly - nothing more than one or two drops of salty water dancing on my cheek. And then minutes - hours later - they are coursing down my face.

I am not sad. I am filled with a joy that no words can explain. I am filled with a need - a desire - I can not explain. I am overflowing with thankful words that can not escape my heart - no matter how many words I spill onto the paper.

I am there........... where I have dreamed of being......... a hidden place deep inside that I never thought I would reach. But I am there now. and the tears come.

They startle me - these tears. I catch them on my tongue - like a child catching snowflakes. They are warm - like the warmth I feel each time you take me to that place. They are sweet - like the sweetness I experience with each stripe and welt and bruise.

These tears are just a cleansing......... a welcome relief....... I am where I belong.

I am home.

Burning

My body is on fire. It burns hot........ hot to your touch.. burning my mind........ singeing the edges of my very soul.

I am laid out - bare .........open exposed vulnerable. The world is watching - peering in through the glass - are we the entertainment?? I no longer care..... the burning calls to me.

Hands touch my body, digging........ kneading........ caressing.........big firm hands, smaller strong hands....... skin against skin.. I can feel it..... I cherish those feelings I wrap them up in my mind complete with a bow for later. Later I will unwrap those feelings - explore them............ experience them again.

For now more sensations - I am struggling to capture them all - each one....

There is the weight across my body - pinning me down - the growl in my ear to "stay" .......... the hands in my hair - playing tugging........the face/the body that suddenly appears in front of me....... I try to form words - to reach out from deep within myself - but the thoughts are gone and so is the face and body - gone back to the delicious tormenting of my body.

But best of all....... the very best of all........

the whisper of leather across my back. It makes me shiver with need and want and desire. The hands on my burning hips pulling me backwards - again the delicate touch of leather against my burning skin.... a butterfly kiss - nothing more. But it is seared into my brain.

This is MY sensation play - a whisper, a touch, a butterfly kiss, against the burning skin - deep into my burning soul......... and I know I am where I was always meant to be.

being there

It is dark in the room, the music envelops my mind and body with its rhythm and beat, my clothes are opened and my body laid bare. I am waiting. My heart beats a frantic quick tattoo inside my chest. My palms sweat. My breathing is soft and quiet. I am here. I am ready.

And it begins.

I am so ready for the beginning......... for the strike that will start me on a journey no one else can take for me. A journey very few can understand - or even imagine.

There is pain - sharp intense burning pain. For the first little while I stamp my foot, I curse and swear. But I don't stop it... I don't even ask for it to slow down. My mind is screaming for more, faster, harder, more more more.. get me there.. get me there NOW!

And I feel it coming - I see it coming. Like a huge tsunami rushing towards my body, lifting me higher and higher ......... pushing me forward faster and faster, I can figuratively and literally feel my body lift off the ground and soar ...... higher higher.. take me higher - please take me higher, show me what I have never seen before....... take me there...........

Now there is no separation ......... only one ....... one with the pounding music, one with the pain...... one with you who has given me this precious gift. I am there and I want to stay there for as long as possible.

There is where I am free. There is where I float and swirl and dance and play. There is where I have - forever I think - longed to be. And YOU have taken me there. YOU have given me a gift so precious there are no words......... only joy...... only bliss....... only peace.

Back

I'm backkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Did you miss me?? (cheeky grin)

Bluntly put - I really needed to get my shit together. I had fallen into the trap of worrying about what I wrote - how people would spin it and twist it and distort it.

I had some things (for lack of a better word) to sort out - privately.

I had some things I had to deal with.

I had some things I had to dump by the wayside.

Done.......... done....... and done.

I'm glad to be back.

Enough said.

Just too much

For the most part I like my life quiet and still - like the early morning when the sun is just peaking over the horizon and the sleepy birds are just starting their morning song.

Unfortunately - for many reasons - my life seems to have developed a bit of a drama.

I have decided to stop public blogging for now. I am retreating into quiet stillness and privacy.

If you wish to chat with me.... just hit the "email me" button over there on the right of your screen. I will be very glad to hear from you.

Play nice - play safe - and take care of each other till I return.

99.9%

Well I saw the doc yesterday............ and despite my belief I was 100% fit - cured - the "I wanna die" virus was gone gone gone............ She said (in that stern voice she can get sometimes) "I said 7 weeks I meant 7 weeks!!"

And I am only finishing my 5th week.

Hear me sigh???

BUT the good news is.. despite the fact I still have fluid in my ears and some swelling in the sinuses.. I can go back to work next Wednesday YAY!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


On another topic - but somewhat the same..........
My body is doing weird stuff these days....... stuff I had forgotten about..........

My skin feels electrified........ my palms sweat.........and my stomach goes into knots....

Diagnosis............ "anticipation"

Yup .. I got it bad. One wild and wonderful pain session last weekend..... and once I found my feet again and got them planted firmly on the ground... the symptoms reappeared.

Secondary diagnosis - masochist

Definition of masochist - "one who experiences arousal, excitement or sexual gratification from receiving pain."

For those who are not masochistic or not a Sadist - this 'condition' is hard to understand. (and the thing is..... I GET it - really get it - that it is difficult to understand/grasp the definition. Hell there are times I find it difficult to process the definition - cause that makes me weird.. really really weird !!)

The very first time I actually realized and acknowledged that I become sexually aroused (and can cum - under the right circumstances) from pain (and pain alone!) was a private play party at the condo with one other couple. W was playing with me at the same time the other dominant was playing with his sub. Afterwards sitting outside under the summer moon and the twinkling stars - W and this other dom were discussing my soft moans, and as the pain increased - my quite obvious orgasm. I became embarrassed and begged permission to toddle off to bed. I just couldn't be there listening to them discuss this "phenomenon" It just seemed too weird to me.. it made me some sort of 'weirdo'. I couldn't deal with it.

After that - W made a point often - most often when we were playing with others - to indicate how wet I became from a beating. He would always demonstrate - by running his hands between my legs and showing anyone who was interested - how wet I was. I was always mortified. I wanted to keep it my lil dirty secret.

Last weekend when I went out to play - I was a bundle of nerves for a whole lot of reasons. One of those reasons - I did not discuss with anyone!! I was scared that this new couple who were gonna use me as their play thing for the night would discover my "dirty lil secret" .

Once the pain was ratcheted up and I was in my comfort zone I honestly didn't think of the heat that was coming from my pink bits. Once when the Male counterpart was playing with me - he thrust his leg firmly between my legs to hold me down on the table (well that was what I assumed he was trying for) and i was aware enough to pray that the thong I was wearing was enough to sop up the sweet juices that were spilling from my body. MY GOD I did not want him to know...... how embarrassing!! And the one or two times (ok ok it was more than that!!) that the quirt was beating a wonderful rhythm across my ass .. my back .. going slow at first then picking up speed.... and I could feel the orgasm ready to thunder through my body - I murmured ( I swear I murmured) "don't stop .. don't stop" and then I let my body ride the wave of sweet release........... and damn the consequences !!

I am a masochist and there is no denying it. It is just part of who I am - I don't understand how or why I am a masochist - and I know there is no way I can change it......... and truthfully I don't want to......

"It's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood"

It is indeed a beautiful day in the neighbourhood today !!

The sun is shining..........the body has healed........ (well as far as I am concerned it has healed - the doctor has to give me the final ok this afternoon)......... and I am bored.

Being bored is the very best sign that I have healed - kicked that "i wanna die" virus to the curb. For the last 4 weeks, I have not thought about school once. Didn't even want to know about my lil guys that were left in limbo ......... Today I am chomping at the bit to get back there.. to pull all the loose dangling strings back in tight.. reign everything in.. and get it back in smooth running order.

My mind has been flitting and fluttering over projects/themes for the last 8 weeks of school. My god there IS only 8 weeks left!!! And not just for the school year - but for the entire school. Even though I have only been there since September - the staff, the families, the kiddies have made me feel like I had found a home. And come June 30th - this wonderful school will be no more. There is a sadness in that ending . BUT I know there will be new staff and new kiddies and new families trekking in the doors come September............. and I will be there to greet them... and life will go on.

I was thinking this morning as I drank my second cup of coffee........ basking in the glorious sunlight streaming in my office window......... how I used to hate change..... how I would do pretty much anything to avoid upsets to my routine. But last June when I agreed to the transfer to the new school, that was the beginning, I think, to opening doors on a brand new life... One where I will embrace change and the challenges it brings. I will not sit quietly by and let life flow past me like a meandering brook. NO... I will jump in at the deep end.. with both feet and my whole heart.

Embrace life.

Embrace today.

And enjoy the beauty of it all.

DUCK !!!

I have a rant coming .......... so duck !!! or go read somewhere else...

I'm bloody pissed right now ..... I am pissed at "well meaning" friends sticking their noses into my business under the guise of "friendship". I am pissed at other friends who listen to friends and get their girdles in a knot and feel they have to stick their noses into my business.

I am single, white and 21. I can do what I want to with whomever I want to. I am a free woman and believe it or not I can make choices for myself!!!!

I am not an addle headed blonde bimbo. I am a tough old bird and the more life experiences I work my way through.. the tougher I am getting.


NO ONE - i repeat - NO ONE is responsible for me - get it!!!??? I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR ME!!! I am where I am today because *I* made choices.. not because someone pushed me here.. helped me here.. or showed me the way. GOT IT?

Now fucking back off.... let me live my life....... my way !!!

(getting down off my soap box and putting it away)

Not too serious

I was thinking this morning about how my attitude towards a lot of things has changed over the last couple of months. I find I am calmer and laughing more.. having fun more... seeing the joy in living.

Last night I was having a great conversation with friends over coffee.. and the whole topic of sessions versus play came up. Sometimes people take this whole BDSM thing too seriously. Why shouldn't it be fun?? why shouldn't it be like a big game???

And I am the first one to admit I took the whole lifestyle thing WAY too seriously for WAY too many years!!!

I think I tried for too many years to "keep up with the Jones" sort of thing. I have said it before and I will say it again (and hopefully it will stick!!) the internet has far too much influence over how *I* thought BDSM should look .. should sound.. should be. As well - how others did things had too much of an affect on me. If the "Jones" do it that way - and they have been in the lifestyle for X number of years longer than me...... then I should use them as model. And god forbid I should embarrass whomever I was playing with.

In the past I have been accused of being a brat...... of hitting dominants... of not knowing my place.

Well I am fast learning I can be THE brat........ and I can wiggle my ass ... and I can smirk and laugh and stamp my feet during a play time. (I don't think I am allowed to hit dominants yet......... but HEY !! I did get the ok to bite a dominant on Saturday - so maybe I can hit!!)

I have had a few emails over the last few days from concerned friends - friends who probably saw the play on Saturday - or heard about it - or just read my blog. And they worried. Was I ok?? was the question of the day.

I am here to say publicly loud and clear -

I am fine! Better than fine !!! I am having a blast. I have grabbed hold of life by the tail and I am enjoying the ride !!

And who knows............. maybe the next event I go to ...... I will slip a clown nose on and make a fashion statement!

Standing Alone

It is very early Monday Morning......... and I have had time to reflect on Saturday's play party....... and how being a "bottom" is different from what I am used to........

I found it a bit difficult to find my "place" with the dominant couple .. with the group... the leather family - whatever name you wish to assign. First off I really have only ever been a "submissive" to one person. AND I was a service sub as much as a play toy. I knew my place and I knew what exactly was expected of me.

The dynamics for a few hours - for an evening of play - is very different from 24/7 (ok ok I can hear you all going DUH!!! and reaching out to slap me upside the back of the head) But being a service sub is ingrained in me....... and that was not what I am now... not what they are looking for.

On the other hand - when I took time to analyse the evening - it was a hidden fantasy of mine.......... to be someone's play thing...... nothing more... just a toy to play with. That fantasy was fulfilled.......... completely and totally.

That is not to say there was no after care...... no no.. there was a whole lot of after care - perhaps more than when one is living with one's dominant. There was a whole lot of cuddling and stroking and talking and just making sure I was coming back to the here and now.

There were also a couple of emails the next day to check up on me.. to make sure I was coping...... doing ok. And the affirmation I had done "good" I had pleased them and lived up to their expectations - perhaps more than lived up to their expectations... which is a damn good feeling!!!

But the reality is, on Sunday, I was on my own to deal with the physical welts / bruises and general soreness that comes after an extremely hard play session. I was alone to deal with the emotions of constant discomfort and just the plain "alone" feelings.

I won't say I didn't wish I couldn't have had someone to snuggle with on Sunday - but then I thought about what I would have had to trade off for that someone .. for that snuggling........ feeding, conversation, someone else's schedules and needs.... and I realized I could handle being alone..... it was ok to be alone... I didn't want the trade off.

Maybe that sounds selfish.... but I rather enjoyed reliving the evening before..... playing it out in my head.. having bits and pieces come back to me.. like little gifts to open and look at and enjoy...... I enjoyed taking hot baths to ease the aches and pains whenever I wanted... I enjoyed staying virtually naked (in a tshirt only) so that nothing rubbed on the welts and bruises.

No I don't know when I will see them again (oh there are promises of a visit this week and more play very soon) but that doesn't really bother me. The world is open to me. I am free to play with whomever I want to. I am free to NOT play with whomever wants to. I am free to live (for now) the life I have dreamed of.

And THAT is a very good thing !!

Last Night

Last night was really the beginning of this new adventurous journey of mine.

Last night I went to a play party with my "play party buddy" and we met up with this dominant couple from last weekend's event.

To say I was nervous is putting it mildly. I was a quivering mess of nerves on the drive to town. I tried to explain it to play party buddy. I said it is like dancing... when you dance with the same partner for years and only that person it is hard to learn to dance with someone else.

When we arrived at the venue I felt I had to say something to indicate that I really wanted to play - but also to indicate I was scared stiff. I asked S.S. if I could serve as his "bottom" for the evening and handed him a collar to fasten around my neck. He put me right at ease by giving me a bear hug and saying that that had been the plan. Phewwwwwwwww.. I was ready !!!

Almost immediately S.S. and SS (sorry I only just realized their names have identical initials - S.S. is the male counterpart and SS is the female) had me lean over a cabinet and they both took turns doing some sensual play.. nails up and down my legs.. some firm but fun hand spanking....... and then we all went to mingle and see the different rooms. I barely cared about the rooms or the other people there.. I was so full of anticipation.

Play party buddy got the first play time.... then a drink and some down time and it was my turn. It didn't take any time at all for me to relax into the rhythm of the play. It was fun .. spelled F U N. They used toys galore ... and when S.S. thought my ass was getting too red or too welted he would use ice to cool it down. At one point I looked up at SS who was running her nails up and down my back and I said laughing "I guess it is too late to say ice is a hard limit??"

It was quite an experience to have both a male and female playing with me........... and not just for a few minutes or an hour..........but really for the whole play party. After the huge play session, one or the other would run their hands over my ass, checking the welts, checking the heat, and often it would be followed by some hand spanking, or back biting, or teasing and taunting.

I was right there .. in the moment so to speak .. for the whole evening (night??) I was enjoying - no more than enjoying it - I was loving it! Bonded to them by the glorious connection of receiving the pain and offering yourself up for more.

They each equally offered me the pain I crave and adore - bringing me up and over the searing pain into the glorious rainbow of acceptance.

Inept social skills

Last evening we had another wonderful discussion about life's little mysteries over dinner and coffee afterwards (yes back here - I did manage to get the house cleaned for company)

The reoccurring theme of our discussions seem to be people's lack of social skills... or maybe their ineptness at asking for what they want.

I find it interesting to hear ( from the Dominant's point of view) how single submissives/bottoms tend to gravitate towards a new Dominant on the scene..... and maybe the older ones as well. How they hover ... and stalk .. and circle around trying to ........... well who really knows for sure what they are "trying" to do. But one assumes they are hoping for an invitation to join the "royal" gathering.

Because yes..... often times at play parties........ the Dominants do tend to be seen as (or act as ) Royals....occasionally acknowledging a few lucky ones.

But what about these "vultures" as they seem to be called?? Why do they hover and stalk and circle. Are their social skills so inept they really don't know how to approach a Dominant??

This behaviour of theirs must be earning them something they want. Because human nature dictates if a behaviour is NOT getting you what you want - you will make an effort to change it. For example - if one of these hovering submissives really doesn't want to engage with the Dominant - but for some reason unknown to the Dominant (or to me either for that matter) their needs are being fulfilled just by hovering......... then they are not going to change that behaviour.

If for some reason unknown to me they feel these Dominants are like gods who walk on water and they are but a lowly worthless submissive - they will not make the first move to speak ...... how can they ?? they aren't worthy enough! So the Dominant does not acknowledge the hovering circling submissives and the behaviour is reinforced - "i am not worthy enough because THEY didn't speak to me"

Some submissives come across as desperate perhaps...... no time for small talk .. no time to get to know a Dominant... their mentality is play with me NOW. i don't think that sort of behaviour is appropriate on any level. BUT at some point this behaviour must have been reinforced - because they are acting the same way over and over again......... they know this will get them what they want.... because someone has reinforced that belief.

IF the Dominants of the world want freedom from hovering submissives/bottoms perhaps a total change of behaviour is needed on both sides of this BDSM fence. Perhaps some instruction is needed on socially acceptable behaviour at play parties. Perhaps each Dominant should carry small business cards with some information on it... it could be their email address..... or simply a suggestion that the submissive attend the next munch - which is a good place to meet and talk and get to know one another. Perhaps one of the submissives IN this "royal" circle could be the official card carrying submissive. (cheeky grin) and they could hand out these "business cards" to the hovering masses.

I don't know what the answer is.. by any stretch of the imagination....... but I do believe until someone starts to take a more positive - pro-active way - of handling the situation nothing is going to change.