blowing up

any of you who read here regularly - who have read here over the past few days/weeks, have been aware that i have been trying to control an inner rage...

i am not known - usually - for losing it.. for blowing up and letting it all out.. i do it rarely......... the moons have to be aligned just right.. the stress levels have to be just right.. my world has to be topsy turvy enough............ and when all those factors come together, well i blow my top. That is rare though......... i tend to shut up .. go quiet.. be moody .. when i am angry... or upset.. or insulted... i tend to cry.. but i have discussed that..........

Yesterday the moons were aligned just right, the stress levels were just right, my world was topsy turvy enough......... and well.......... i blew.

It might have had a more positive outcome if this blow up had been face to face.. but it wasn't.. it was through emails........... and i have discussed in the past few days/weeks how i don't read signals through emails well.. i much prefer face to face and all the body language that goes with a "debate".

i have a problem with a friend.... who often writes me emails........ and they are from time to time...... ambiguous at best.

And what frustrates me the most is that he never ever admits he was wrong. He will twist and turn the words around to try and cover up........ at least that is how i see it. He may not intend to do that........ but i see it that way....... and it makes me angry.

Geeeez .. just say "i am sorry i didn't mean for you to take it that way". instead of twisting and turning the words to mean something completely different....

which is why i usually ignore emails that i find insulting.. or hurtful .. because i know the words will be twisted and turned and the finger will be pointing at me and my inability to understand.

But yesterday i had had it............ there have been about a week's worth of innuendos in my email box.. and yesterday was the last straw.. instead of doing what my mother always told me to do .. which was to let it go... not put myself on their level....... etc etc.. i wrote back.......... there wasn't one thing i regret saying.. except my closing comment........

i called him a pompous ass.

i do regret that.

we are all pompous asses from time to time...

that is why i do not like blowing up....... i say things that are best left unsaid.

lesson learned.