It was definitely a pussy torture weekend.. Sir finished up the torture with a close shaving........... and healthy dose of Gold's Medicated Powder .......... rubbed into my pussy.. soaking up all the natural juices.. and burning - burning from my pussy to the the roots of my hair.......... god i hate Gold's Medicated Powder !!!
But ... there is something i want to work out.... more than pussy torture issues...
i am confused...........
and confused is not where i want to be after a weekend with Sir.........
This morning Sir told me that after the shaving i was going downstairs for a session....... sounds great right???
i even went downstairs and put the heater on...........
Then time passed - i was doing the laundry... and time passed... and then when i poked the need inside.. i discovered it had changed ..... from need to plain out right SCARED. WTF??!!
Then when Sir said He HAD a couple of things to do today.. and i asked what .. and one of those "have to do things" was whooping my ass.. i threw a very undignified.. unexplained temper tantrum (for lack of a better term) .............. and so the downstairs session didn't happen.
And there was a big part of me that was totally relieved.. and another part of me that was bloody pissed off - with me not Sir.......... cause i could have gone to Him i could have whispered in His ear about the unexplained scared feelings...... and Sir would have helped me work them through..... even if it meant just going downstairs and getting to it.. and getting me over it.............
why oh why do i do this to myself ?? why can't i just talk.. or relax.. or something?? instead of digging in my heels and landing myself up alone.. still scared.. and with a need that hasn't been fixed..............
colour me confused..
I don't know the answer to your confusion, but I think that if you ever figure it out, you should package it and market it -- because I know you are not the only one who does that move. I seem to have a direct line from ready and wanting and needing to scared and confused and pissed off. I am thinking those two sets of emotions must run pretty nearly parallel somewhere in my brain's circuitry, and it is just really simple to jump from one track to the other.
ReplyDeleteI hope things settle down and you can talk your way through it and get into the place that works for you and for Him by next weekend.
Hugs, swan
Not being snarky here, morningstar. You know the answer. You know what you should do. Just do it.
ReplyDeleteDear morningstar,
ReplyDelete(swan, i hope you are reading as well), i might have some ideas of why this happens. But then my comment would be really long.
Master found an easy solution to my "unreliable masochism" (swan, i hope you don't mind): doing it unannounced and unexpected. Warming-up and aftercare are a bit shorter, i have to admit, but most of the time it seems to work. Maybe not having enough time to "get into it" also doesn't give me enough time "get out of it"?
Does it make any sense?
Eighteen years ago i NEEDED pain. Slowly and skillfully Master has turned this NEED into a WANT. Smart move in a M/s dynamic! What can a slave do?
Hope i was of some help. Let me know what you think.
Clemmi