Living Life - in real time

There have been times through this almost 8 years with Sir that have felt an awful lot like some sort of experiment......... or game - yes i think game is a better word.. where i would clap my hands like a delighted child and say "let's try this.. can we huh huh?? Sir can we ?? " And Sir would indulge me and we would try it... (whatever the IT was that month!!)

i know an awful lot of my desire to try things - was based on things i had read or seen on the net - in books - or in the movies. i think at the beginning i was fighting to discover what it really was i wanted to do.. where i would really fit in to this lifestyle... (i wanted to be one of the "in" kids.. one of the "cool" kids!! for some stupid reason it seemed so important at the time)

One of the main things that kept slapping me upside the head - after each of "our experiments"... was... how silly i felt doing whatever it was we had tried.. how it didn't quite fit the picture i had in my head...or it didn't fit who i was... who Sir was. (maybe - and this is just a guess on my part - that i am so grounded in who i am and what i am that fantasies couldn't work)

One last fantasy i had was how wonderful it would be if there was a community on an island somewhere - where BDSM folks could live happily - unfettered by every day life.

Then one morning i woke up .. tired of all the angst i had been living through - and putting Sir through....... all the i wants i wants i wants.... and being left feeling very disappointed. i even (only for a moment or so ) thought perhaps this lifestyle wasn't something for me... maybe it really was all fiction......... cause there was no way any of this "stuff" could be squeezed into a 24/7 normal looking life. AND i wanted more than just kinky sex - pulease!!!! i wanted more than stolen moments..........

Thisgirl said - in a comment the other day - about finding the fantasy that works-
I think tho for any sort of BDSM activity to work the imagination has to be the driving force...and it has to be a fantasy you actually want to make real. Just takes a bit of experimentation to work out what works individually, some fantasies should stay that, but others...well...others should be encouraged
i get what she means.. but i don't entirely agree with her........ for me.. i repeat FOR ME.. it is important to be real. i do not do well in a fantasy world... i don't !! and i don't have to fantasize about being tied up and beaten.. that is my every day life and very real. It doesn't require any special "outfit" ... it doesn't require any elaborate planning or equipment.. it doesn't require any elaborate fantasy. It's just me and Sir and whatever implements are at hand........ it doesn't even HAVE to be the whips and floggers. i don't need a fantasy to serve Sir.. i can wash His clothes - clean His house - make His meals and serve Him as me.. no one else.. just lil ole me.

i don't want my life segmented into parts... i want to live life fully... This quote kinda sums up my philosophy on life.. (i am sure most of you have seen it before.. but for the record .. here it is again......)
"Life is not a journey to the grave, with the attention of arriving safely, in one pretty well preserved piece, but to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out and
shouting "Geronimo"
(author unknown)

Yup that's me.... i want to live LIFE fully every single day........... i want my life real.. in every aspect of the word.

Clothes make the ........

One of the abiding rules for public play clubs is a dress code - Fetish Wear.

i remember the first time i heard that expression - i had no idea what it meant. And being a curious sort - when i don't know what something means i ask...........

And i was told.

The list was long .. everything from latex to rubber to leather - oh yeah and cross-dressing. i spluttered... i stammered... i choked. But i didn't have any leather or latex or rubber .... could i cross-dress as a male??? No - that wasn't exactly what the expression meant.

i could wear black....... basic black - maybe ............if it was appropriately skimpy and slutty looking. Needless to say i didn't go to any public clubs - ok ok... not many. There was one that didn't have a strict dress code - and IF you knew the owner (which i did) you could get in in something less than the normal dress code.

i eventually weakened and had a Story of O dress made for myself - or a version of one... somewhere in the multitude of pictures i have there is a picture of this dress.. in fact i think i may have already posted a picture......... but i couldn't find it.........



The Story of O dress - for those that have no idea what i am talking about .. is a dress that can look like any long evening gown....... but (in the case of my dress) a tug on the ribbon running through the bodice and the breasts are instantly exposed...the back seam running from the waist to the floor is actually fastened with velcro - so one easy rip and the back is completely exposed.

That dress cost me a month's salary or more....... but at least it allowed me entry to more public clubs.

Then along came Sir......... and He took me in hand.. and took me shopping. He was gonna have His lil subbie decked out in fet wear so that all the clubs would admit me.

Now just a brief editorial comment here...Cloud asked in yesterday's comment section if i would have felt differently if these had been Sir's fantasizes not mine. The answer is simple - probably NOT. They would have been done more often.. maybe even continued to this day..... but it would not have changed my mind about them. This dress code is a prime example. Sir had no trouble envisioning me dressed up slutty.......... i had / HAVE / a huge amount of trouble seeing myself dressed in this manner !!


We purchased that day.......... black slinky see-through "stuff" .. black thongs (my god i HATE thongs - i hate feeling as though i have a permanent wedgie!!) black thigh high stockings, a garter belt, and even a corset.

The only good thing that came from these "get-ups" was the fact that whenever i went out in public in them i hung back - just behind Sir - kept my head down and blushed to the roots of my hair if anyone noticed me or spoke to me !! The clothes most definitely did NOT make the woman - in this case. BUT they did keep me in the most submissive pose imaginable - i barely spoke, and almost never looked at anyone boldly.

Now i have asked myself - if i was a 20 something with a nice lil body and perky lil breasts - would i have felt more at ease in the Fet Wear. The answer was a simple no. i was raised to believe that women did not dress to show off "their wares" and i was most definitely doing that !!! i am - for the most part - a shy woman - and a proud woman. i do not see myself as a "slut" ........ as a floozy (as my grandmother would say) ........ and the clothes felt odd on my body - my reflection made me squirm and very uneasy.


i once debated with Sir .. and probably Cloud too - as we are the best at debating issues of the community over coffee.... the value of having one's sub dressed like a slut - when she wasn't a slut - wasn't going to be offered as a slut - and how could Sir (or any Master) take pride in the world thinking she was a slut??


And wasn't the whole purpose of going to a public club to be hung from some equipment or other and flog or whip or cane or tie and bind - not to look like some fashion statement from some goth magazine - or some hookers listing??

Now Sir and i rarely go to public club events anymore. The new standard of s/m had/has moved in - the stand and model. i remember one event i went to .. at the very beginning of this stand and model phase......... where one submissive came in decked out in the most elaborate latex outfit i had ever seen !! so elaborate .. so tight.. so breath taking ..... her Master had her sitting on a piece of equipment for the entire evening - perched like a pretty delicate piece of porcelain to be admired but not touched or used.

i don't want to be some pretty piece of delicate porcelain when Sir and i go out to play....... i want to play! i want to feel the whip bite into my skin.. i want to feel the cane burning ........

And so it has come to be that even Sir is not all that interested (so it seems anyway) in my looking like some tramp He picked up on a street corner. He wants someone He can hang from the ceiling and beat..... He wants someone who can stand just behind Him .. head held high - proud to be who she is.

So clothes do indeed make the subbie............. IF they are the right clothes - and not some one else's fantasy of what a submissive should look like!

Imagination

Back in 2002, the movie The Secretary came out. i am not sure how many folks saw it.. but i saw it with Sir, loved it so much that i organized a movie outing for the BDSM community (which was a huge success if i say so myself!!)

The movie really stirred my imagination........ got my juices flowing ........... made me hot.

There were numerous scenes in the movie based on humiliation....... the above picture being one of them. BUT there was another scene (one i couldn't find a picture of) where she is forced to wear a spreader bar behind her neck over her shoulders and her wrists were cuffed to each end. NOW that one took my breath away. She seemed to function fine .. getting her duties accomplished in this awkward position.

So.... (can you see it coming??) i wanted to try it.......the spreader bar bit.. and maybe even a little humiliation. Sir - once again - was patient and kind and willing to satisfy my curiousity. The spreader bar was attached to each wrist - with the bar running behind my neck and over my shoulders. Then Sir handed me His coat to hang up. HUH?? That was the first obstacle. Then it was just moving around the house.. trying to get through doorways with this bar sticking out past my shoulders .. then there was trying to make a pot of coffee.. and then supper. Truthfully i didn't even make it to supper.. i landed up in a fit of giggles after the umpteenth attempt at walking through doorways without killing myself.

AND if any of you are loyal readers... you know it took many years for me to experience true humiliation....... and my reaction to it. (Can i say NEGATIVE!!??)

i have chalked both experiences up as an interesting experiment.... best left to fantasy.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i had a comment left on yesterday's blog entry..... i seemed to have ruffled some feathers..... which is.. truthfully OK. i kinda sorta knew that was going to happen. But i feel i must repeat myself............ this is my blog.. and my opinion.... i don't have to agree with you or what you do...... and you most certainly do not have to agree with me. (god life would be so damn boring if everyone agreed with everyone else!! - but enough of the Polly Anna )

This latest series of "stuff we do" is in a large part my looking back on the journey Sir and i have taken.. seeing the changes and how they came about... relishing the journey...... sort of like looking at old vacation photos.

And i know old vacation photos can be so boring ......... so please feel free to skip the next couple of days worth of blog entries........ this nostalgia should run itself out be the end of week.. i promise.

Pets......

As with yesterday's post about cages.. this post on pet play is MY OPINION only and i am prepared to ruffle some feathers..........


Once upon a time i read about pet play on the net (of course - where else can one find such an abundance of information??!!) And as with cages - it intrigued me. i won't say it turned me on... it actually didn't.. but i wondered what it would be like to eat from a bowl.. on the floor .. under the table.

And Sir being the kind Sir that He is.... granted my wish... (more like fantasy).. And so it was that there were a few nights that i ate my dinner from a bowl - no hands of course !! - under the table at His feet.

First let me say........ if you wish to experience indigestion..... fold your body in half.. and eat without hands from the floor. Trust me when i say - it doesn't fit into ANY fantasy i have !!

Second.. i am still trying to figure out how one knows - when one is on the floor under the table - when one's Master needs something....... like more food???? i seemed to spend my time popping up to see how Sir was doing.........

After - i guess the 3rd try at this pet idea..... and suffering with more indigestion than any living being should....... being under the table at Sir's feet - tended to give me horrific fits of the giggles. i just couldn't get my head around being an animal. AN ANIMAL???!!!

The image didn't work....... and besides .. i am not flexible enough - nor do i have a long enough tongue to lick my pretty pink bits !!

However there was a blog i read....... where she often times would be given her food in a bowl.. and more than that.. would be sent outside to the back porch to pee in a litter box. Now i get that....... i really do.... i figure one has to be into some form of humiliation to pee in a litter box....... dontcha think???? AND as i am so not into humiliation the whole pet idea just didn't work for me....... or thank the gods.. to Sir either.

In my mind........ as with caging......... BDSM should fit into the real world...... not be a fantasy world. And i am trying to understand the Master's side of this.........if He wants a pet why doesn't He go to the SPCA and pick up one??? How does the Master get His mind around screwing a "pet"?? How does anyone pretend to be a pet and yet fulfill all the realities of this world.. like preparing a meal?? i don't know.. it is just too much to wrap my mind around.

Though - having said all that - a few years ago at the BDSM camp we went to..... i did get to watch a male submissive pull on a horse's tail hitch himself up to a horse cart and give free rides to anyone who wanted one. i was fascinated by it.



And i tend to find females dressed in horse attire rather erotic...... realistic no..... but still rather erotic.



i suppose in some ways .. the horse play tends to the dramatic - more so than dogs and cats. However .. i still believe i prefer my BDSM real - rather than a fantasy .

Cages

please note: the next series of entries are my opinion.... got it?? MY OPINION...... on the reality of this lifestyle versus the fiction.......... the safe versus the unsafe.. the process of arriving at where Sir and i are..........



Once upon a time everything i read (specifically on the net) involved subbies being caged. It seemed very hot to me.. to be thrown into a cage - locked into a cage and left there ... to stew in one's own juices so to speak.

Or a box........ there was talk of Dominants building boxes that would hold their submissive... a BOX !! wow.. that sounded nearly perfect to me.

Then one night Sir took me to a play party and there was quite an elaborate set up of cages..... One standing up right that would hold 2 submissives standing comfortably - and just behind it and attached to it were two cages horizontally placed that would hold one submissive each - in a prone position - a cage bunk bed so to speak.

Sir placed me in the upright cage. He fastened nipple clamps to my nipples - threading the chain through the bars so that i could not move. It was all rather exciting. i could see everything that was going on.. and folks would stop by the cage and examine my nipple clamps.. look at me.. make fun of me - much like i am sure humans taunt animals in the zoo.

But the reality of the situation was... not everyone plays by the 'look don't touch rule' (other Dominant's submissives i mean) A Dominant came up behind me... and with no warning or by your leave - zapped me with an electric fly swatter......... that made me scream bloody murder and left me with a small burn mark on my ass.

Despite that experience... i was more convinced i would like a cage at home...or a box. Safe at home !!!

In one experiment.. Sir had me clean out the floor of the cupboard in the bedroom and threw in a dog bed.. and a blanket.... and had me sleep in there. i slept in there for a number of weeks when Sir was visiting.......... but something was lacking. There wasn't a whole lot of excitement being put in the cupboard to sleep.... and then some mornings i had great difficulty straightening up again.. crawling out on my hands and knees and my knees screaming at me. One night i had a nightmare and landed up pushing open the door sobbing.......... So sleeping in the cupboard slowly disappeared.

The cage - after the cupboard experience - and after some thought and time - didn't hold it's appeal either. After all - what had been fun was being caged like an animal at the zoo... being caged in the house - alone with Sir - didn't hold the same appeal. It isn't a very interactive scene.... me curled up in a cage.. with Sir trying to find something to do to pass the time.

So the cage idea was put away - to collect dust and cobwebs like so many tried and failed experiments in BDSM.

But Sir did find something to replace the ideas........ bondage. Every once in a while He will tie me up .. usually in the basement .. to the hooks in the wall.. and leave me..... Once Sir even ran to the hardware store leaving me bound and immobile. That was a bit scary - all the "things that could happen" ran through my head. Obviously nothing much happened and Sir was back in quick order. It can't be much fun for a responsible Dominant to leave their submissive helpless .. tied up.. knowing all the things that could conceivably go wrong !

Now Sir will tie me occasionally .. beat my ass.. and leave me to hang .. while He goes to watch some TV or get a drink........ but nothing terribly dangerous or life threatening. Dominants that are so cavalier as to say " I can always find another subbie" and mean it - well they worry me.. a lot !!! Thank you very much .. i prefer a Dominant who worries just a little bit about the consequences of their actions...... and prefers their subbie in one piece - a functioning valuable addition to the relationship.

And that dear readers is why there is no cage in this house.. or box. It seemed to Sir and i - that a cage - the isolation and danger of one - just wasn't worth the risks. It was fun to dream about it .. to fantasize about it... BUT ... the purpose of living this lifestyle 24/7 was to find a method to incorporate BDSM into reality - not the other way around.

And the fairies danced

ok so much for joking about Sir barbecuing last evening... It was a wonderful thing to do., it just goes to show that this sub/slave thing can be reciprocal .... that Dominant and submissive alike can care for the other...and that there can be good natured teasing and laughing and sharing between the two....

i was drained when i got home from that bridal shower... i didn't know if i could face making a big dinner.. i really just wanted to curl up in Sir's arms.. (some sex would have been nice - soft gentle vanilla sex - though that is one thing that won't happen around here .. ever) to know He would help with dinner... was a gift.... and so dinner was made and partaken of..... and even the dishes were shared ..

Then lots of giggles and laughter - yeah even giggles and laughter can happen in a BDSM relationship.....

And then later.. i was on my stomach on the sofa.. head buried in the pillows.. while Sir went to town on my ass with the leather strap and the crop...

And it was funny how it was affecting me last night.. i could hear the sound of each toy.. and was amazed (for some reason) at how different they sounded.. the leather strap so heavy and thuddy.. the crop so high pitched and sing-y almost.... (maybe having some Barbara Streisand special going on in the back ground helped with the sing-y bit!!) Though once or twice Barbara's whiney voice started to grate on my nerves... but then the strap would bite and the pain would rise and her voice would float off into some song or other.. and all would return to normal...

i do remember surfacing long enough to hear some words from some song... and i snuggled into the pillows and grabbed at the words - so afraid by this morning that i would forget what she had been singing... and it all seemed so important at that particular moment......



The words kept playing in my head..
"Hold my hand and we're halfway there
Hold my hand and I'll take you there......... "
and i was answering in my head.. i am holding your hand.. tight.. hit me harder.. yes yes like that.. more more more.. we're halfway there... take me all the way there.. please .. all the way..... "

And Sir did.. all the way.......

And this morning i am struggling to remember bedtime.. and sleeping... and waking to talk to Him when He came to bed... it happened i think... but did it???

The night Sir cooked!

Ok...so there was this bridal shower Sir wanted me to attend today.... i did not want to go.. but i am a good subbie ......... so i went. And it was as bad.. no worse.. than i imagined!! It was 26 degrees (hot in Fahrenheit) ... the shower was held outside... and there was NO shade.. and so i got a sun headache.. the guests all knew each other and i was most definitely the outsider.. hell even the bride didn't have a clue who i was!!! Soooooooo after 2 1/2 hours i politely said my good byes and came home.

Now Sir says (when i get home) how was it.. and i tell Him.. and He kept mumbling that He was in BIG trouble.. and dear god forgive me.... but i was thoroughly enjoying His discomfort... HE even offered to get ME a tylenol for my headache !!!! Sir bought a new barbecue........ and had taken steaks out for dinner.... So here i am in this bridal shower mood... and... i think to make amends .. Sir offers to make dinner... barbecue the dinner.. i am floored.. amazed.. shocked.. speechless. Sir Make Dinner??!!! Do you think i am gonna pass this up?? not on your life......... of course there was the addendum that i would come outside and act as "adviser"

Now i ask you.. how could i pass up an offer like that... a chance to boss Sir around......


Anyway this pretty much describes my night off from cooking...



Definition of Barbecuing ... It's the only type of cooking a "real man" will do.

When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Long day..

Yesterday was a long longggggggggg day.. i started at 7:30 and went straight through till 5:30 when i finally got to skiddle out of school and head off to a meeting of the townhouse association....... i got home.. safe and sound just before 8.... and just about collapsed. Honest folks i am getting way too old to do these long days ...... (which included taking a group of 30 kids from 4:00 - 5:30 - go figure!!)

All of that is to say.. i am a bit brain dead this morning.......... and i still have a multitude of things to do before i leave for work and a weekend at Sir's........ (but i am taking my lap top this weekend - so expect at least one post over the weekend - hopefully?? maybe something juicy?? god i hope so !!)

Anyway........ i thought i would post some pictures on the Photo Journal - just to fill in the words i didn't write here........

Enjoy...........

Sometimes i struggle...

i am nothing if not honest.... here especially. Life is not a fairy tale.... with happy endings .. Life is a road of ups and downs and speed bumps.... Life is hard sometimes.

i have a wonderful new principal (thank the gods) - the first one ever willing to invest time helping me become a better administrator. For 20+ years of running one program and then another and watching them pile up on my desk with all the paper work and problems that comes from running different programs with different staffs.... i have more or less been left to my own devices to make things run smoothly and efficiently. i have struggled with being an administrator. In case you haven't all figured it out yet.. i am not a Dominant.. i am much happier taking orders than giving them. And so i have struggled.

Then along came Mr. M.. and his belief in me. God only knows how he had such faith in me without even really knowing me....... but he did !! And he has been softly and gently guiding me and revamping/changing my style of leadership.

BUT despite all the guidance.. despite all the support..... i kinda sorta hit the wall. and the really weird thing is.. i don't know when exactly i hit this wall.. i just know i have. Yesterday i walked into Mr. M's office and plunked down the required forms to be signed that will grant me a "mental health" day. As he was signing it .. he turned to me and asked if i wanted to talk about it........ i filled up with tears and choked out a firm "NO". He finished the signature as he asked "is it me?? Have I done something?" which made me laugh out loud as i exclaimed "GOD NO!"

Sometimes life just up and bites you in the ass.. which is what is happening right now. And though i really have no obvious reason to be feeling this way... i am.

Sir came over last evening on His way to the train club and we went out for supper. i told Him i was feeling a bit down........ and in doing so .. i feel as though somehow i have let Him down. Sir says it is all the change going on in my working life.. i argued with Him ... i don't feel it is the change. Sir is right.. i don't like change........... BUT this change i have control over.. it is a change that is being orchestrated by Mr. M and myself.. it is a different kind of change.... it is so hard to explain .. but honestly i don't feel this mood is because of change.

i haven't shared this with anyone as of yet.. because i have done this so many times before and failed. BUT i have started a new eating plan (see me avoid the word DIET??!!) The inspiration comes directly (and rests entirely on the shoulders) of the Heron clan. If you haven't been following their struggles with weight loss.. please check out their blog.. and lend your support. It was the pre-surgery entries that hit me the hardest. i kept thinking if they can do THIS i should be able to simply cut back on some calories... right?? RIGHT!

So i got cracking.. bought some much needed vitamins (seeing as i love veggies so much!!) and purchased some food replacement bars. The food replacement bars are a simple solution to a BIG problem.. my lunches at school. i hate packing lunches to take.. so i tended to not bring anything and landed up eating from various restaurants around school or from the vending machine. Then i tended to nibble most of the afternoon from the vending machine .. or various other junk food supplies i had bought and stored in my office.

Now i am having a sensible breakfast (be still my heart - i never used to eat breakfast!) a bran muffin and a cup of coffee (juice is had at home - breakfast at school). Come lunch time i am usually starving.. but force myself to go for at least a 15 minute walk before settling down to eat my lunch bar, with a big glass of water. Dinner is a small portion of protein and carbs.

i have been doing this for 4 weeks now. Yesterday i put on a pair of summer slacks and was amazed they weren't biting into my waist. (i won't say they are big on me .. not yet.. but they aren't biting !!)

And i wondered out loud with Sir last evening... if part of my down mood is because of my new eating plan. He poohed poohed that thinking. But still i can't help but wonder..

i know there are a whole mess of things that play with one's mood.. stress.. dieting.. weather (and lordie we have had some gloom and doom weather lately) ... and just life.

i am hoping that as fast as this mood seems to have hit.. it will move on again.... and let the sun shine back on my heart (as well as my face) and i will be my bratty self again.

But for now......... i struggle.

i have decided

i am not a masochist.

masochism definition

maso·chism (mas′ə kiz′əm, maz′-)

noun

1. the getting of sexual pleasure from being dominated, mistreated, or hurt physically or otherwise by one's partner
2. the getting of pleasure from suffering physical or psychological pain, inflicted by others or by oneself

i do not get pleasure from suffering physical or psychological pain inflicted by others or .. my god !! by oneself??? Nope.. no way........

i will explain what has brought me to this amazing revelation...........

Saturday Sir beat me over the ottoman in the living room - we discussed that. The thing that got me centered was the knife ... now yes it hurt.. but it was more the fear of what that knife COULD do that did it to me... not what was actually done.

i do not particularly like being over the ottoman.. i think it is because i can wiggle away.. and kneel up and move away completely.. and i do !! bad subbie - very bad masochist!! After all if i was really craving the pain... i would simply bend over.. grab my ankles.. and let Sir beat the hell out of me .. wouldn't i?? - which for the record is exactly what Sir wanted me to do............... and i balked.. loud and long. It is not pleasurable to be bent over .. holding one's ankles having the hell beaten out of them.... i explained to Sir - rather tearfully (tears of frustration more than anything) that i would have nothing to support me.. and that would mean that every hit.. every ounce of pain would be just that PAIN. There would be no floating away from it.. no getting on top of it.. it would just be PAIN .. bad pain to endure.

And why you might ask??

Because my body could not relax into it.. could not feel supported and protected from falling flat on my face. i would hold my position and my mind would work damn hard at keeping me in that position which would mean.. PAIN and only pain... no friendly endorphins - no adrenalin.. nothing.. only pain and holding my body in place.

SO

i can not possibly be a masochist. pointe finale !!

However......... Sir did take me downstairs to the playroom on Sunday - i did put the spanking new heater on... and He did chain me up to the cross.. and the strong wooden arms of the cross embraced my body and held me firm.. and i didn't have to think about holding any position.. i just had to lean against the structure and relax...

AND Sir used as many of the umpteen toys that hang on the wall down there.. from the crop - to the lexicon cane .. to the snake's tongue.. to the wooden paddle..to the dog whip ... to the tack paddle.. yes i said TACK paddle - the one i built by hammering carpet tacks through a wooden ball paddle.

And yes Sir left me bloody and weak and fragile...
And yes my fairies came
And yes i was contented and happy



BUT .. i can't be a masochist cause pain does not drive me to bend over and grab my ankles and just suck it up and take it.........

so there.. i've said it "out loud" so it must be true.

Dreams

i posted an entry about dreams (not fantasies - not sleepy dreams but aspiration dreams) .. and how they are so important... and it rambled long and weary... i erased it. It really did sound too much like a lecture. and i get paid for lecturing.. and i don't get paid to lecture here.. AND.. i am not too sure you come here to be lectured...

Often times we push our "dreams" to the side because we couldn't possibly do THAT.. or because we are afraid... afraid of failure.. afraid of ridicule.. or just plain afraid.

i tell my kiddies at school "shoot for the moon - even if you miss you will land amongst the stars!!"

IF you have ever pushed a dream aside .. because.. just because... Please take five minutes from your day... hit this link... and go watch someone pursuing their dream - despite the fear of failure - despite the fear of ridicule .. despite everything..

"i dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living"

The flashing steel point.

Over the weekend Sir played with me over the ottoman in the living room. i was antsy.. i wiggled .. i squirmed... i couldn't ground myself. i kept tearing up. i was getting angry. And i didn't know why any of these things were happening.. i just knew they were.

At one point Sir left me hanging over the ottoman... and walked out of the room. i listened to His footsteps.. i realized i was getting really angry at Him... and yet i didn't honestly know why.

When He came back He knelt behind me. i felt His hand on my back .. calming in a way... grounding in another way. And then i felt IT. The sharp prick of a knife.



And then there was nothing else.. just the cool bite of the steel blade against my skin. The soothing bite of the steel blade as it moved up and down my back.. finding those small places that make me wiggle (in a good way) that make my ass arch up and back.. that make me wet and needy.

The blade slid down my back and across my ass.. leaving rising welts in its wake. It slid down my thighs and back up my thighs. It slid between the crack of my ass and poked and prodded and made me gasp and yet it made me hold my breath at the same time.

The point of the blade slid between my legs and opened my pussy.. pressing sharp against the lips.. making me yelp.. and hold my breath...

The point of the blade slid into the jewelry and tugged on it.. and clanged against it making a tinkling sound .. like fairies ringing small bells.

The blade danced and played against my skin.. yet it didn't break the skin.. only warned of how easily skin could slice open and blood flow freely.. and trust was needed..

And then the blade was tossed to the ground and the leather spanker was working once again on my ass.. then the cane.. and then the crop and then again the leather spanker..

But my mind was centered.. it was grounded.. it had found it's peace in the point of knife.. and it was soaring.

Alone together

did you all wonder where i had disappeared to over the last few days??? never far.. trust me never far...

did you all see Sir's Happy Easter wish??? clever man He is.. so inventive.. so creative... can't have the same sort of Happy Easter card / pic that everyone else puts up...

and me? well i have been sorting out stuff in my head.. tired of writing the same "He flogged me.. He gave me an orgasm.. i squirted all over ... life went on in between... " it is hard to write the same thing week after week after week.. without sounding a terrible lot like summer reruns....

YET

that is what happened... many times over the past 3 days....

During one of the sessions i realized how alone i am .... Sir doesn't know what it feels like (and in my humble opinion there isn't anyone out there who can experience the pain - or the toy in quite the same manner that i do - that anyone does!)

and i had this image of a balloon floating upwards away from the world below.. being buffeted by strong winds.. pain surrounding it.. consuming it... alone high above the ground.. string dangling downwards - wondering what would happen if it floated too high away.. who would grasp the string and pull it back down to earth...

mostly the image was of being alone.. of the pain cutting into my body... and being alone to accept it and deal with it.. hearing myself say many times over .. i want this.. i really do want this.. this is who i am... and knowing i was alone in my need for pain....and being a little afraid of what would happen if i didn't take the pain anymore...... what would i become?? who would i be???

And another time i was chained to the cross .. in front of the mirror... and though 90% of the time i keep my eyes closed - every once in a while i opened my eyes.. and saw the back swing.. watched mesmerized as the whip (or whatever toy was being used at the time) would slice through the air and into my flesh.... cutting searing pain... watching the sweat bead up on Sir's brow as each hit became a little harder.. a little faster.. and i realized in many ways we are both alone with the pain... His in giving it .. giving just the right amount.. and me in accepting it... a gift .. that grounds me and centers me.. and is a huge part of who i am.

And to me... my lil subbie brain.. these sessions are zen like - where truth cannot be learned from others but can only be learned from within..........
Alone and yet together.. woven together like the patterns in the sand...

And because ......

Because it is Good Friday - 5:30 am ....

and i have the family coming for Easter lunch in 7 hours...

and because i have a turkey to get in the oven in the next hour..

and because i am a bit brain dead..

and because i found this blog entry amusing - even a bit informative - a blog entry on being a Proud Canadian... i decided to steal it.. yes steal it !! from selkie - BUT she did say to pass it on if one is a proud Canadian...

And because i AM a Proud Canadian....

Here is the blog entry from selkie..........

oh yay and before i get to it.. BUFFALO - pay close attention to #19 !!









1. Smarties

2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp

3. The size of our footballs fields, one less down, and bigger balls.

4. Baseball is Canadian - First game June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll , ON

5. Lacrosse is Canadian

6. Hockey is Canadian

7. Basketball is Canadian

8. Apple pie is Canadian

9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers

10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts

11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back past their White House. Then we burned it, and most of Washington. .. We got bored because they ran away. Then, we came home and partied... Go figure.

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER. (We got clobbered in the odd battle but prevailed in ALL the wars)

14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary; he slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.

16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes. (That's more information than I need!)

19. We know what to do with the parts of a buffalo.

20. We don't marry our kin-folk.

21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis and the telephone. Also short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money.

25. Our beer advertisements kick ass {Incidently...so does our beer}

BUT MOST IMPORTANT !

The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
OOOoohhhhh.... Canada !!

Oh yeah... And our elections only take one day.

Pass this on if you are proud to be Canadian!!!

Tasks and learning curves

1) take the leather straps and bind your breasts tightly while you are on the computer
2) then when you are finished with the computer and ready for your bath/tv - then you are to take your vibe and cum twice - on your way to your bath you are to text message Me that you have completed your tasks.
3) remove the leather straps when you go for your bath
4) sleep well

The above was in an email to me last evening... and you guessed it....... Sir was out for dinner.

Now i love having my breasts bound.. it hurts like the dickens....... but it makes my breasts feel so hard and i find i caress them frequently during the time they are bound.

Now the other thing about this task - it took me back to one of the very first conversations i had with Sir.

i had posted a post to a mailing list Sir and i were on.. wayyyyyyy back ... about being single again.. and guessing that i would be doing self bondage. At the time i didn't know a damn thing about bondage.. other than silk scarves and headboards and sex. So i was just trying to be funny.

At the very next munch Sir approached me and started talking about self bondage.. and being careful and having a safe call in case things went wrong. He could have been talking Greek for all i understood !! Truth be told i actually thought He was pulling my leg. i had never heard of someone tying themself up.

Now after all these years i know so much more about bondage.. and even realize that people do indeed tie themselves up for the fun of it. BUT it is not something i have ever done. So last night's task was a bit of a challenge... more than usual.

i got the leather straps (actually they are suede) and i thought i can do this !!! i have watched Sir do it enough times. Yeah right !!! it is not as easy as i thought. The damn straps kept sliding off. Who knew i had slippery tits???!!!

i tried bending over from the waist - as i do for Sir... and wrapping.. and that's when i realized i have slippery breasts. i tried making a loop and sliding the breast in and then wrapping.. that didn't work either...... slippery slippery slippery.

Finally i just wrapped it once around held the end tight with one hand and then continued wrapping tight.. tighter.. tightest with the other hand. (at least as tight as i could get it)

i was proud of the job i did. They looked almost as good as when Sir does it. i caressed and they felt the same. So i patted myself on the back for a job well done... turned on the pc and started surfing.

i hadn't gotten to more than 2 sites when i felt the P I N G.. the strap on the left breast had slid right off........ and the right one was starting to slide too. UGH... back i went to binding ...
i think i must have had to bind them 4 times in the time i was on the pc.. what a pain!! and not the way it should have been. It is obvious i need lots more practice in self bondage!!

i will say i bound them nice and tight before i went to the bedroom to find the vibrator.... tight throbbing breasts are just the right foreplay for this lil subbie !!!!

And for those of you who would like to see a sample of my binding job....



didja see the nice lil bow i tied ?? i thought it added a nice touch !!

Off center.

Well yes it is Monday.. and yes there should be a juicy Monday Morning Report.. but there isn't one.. so if you only came by for the juicy bits.. check back next week.. maybe it will be better then...

For those of you who don't much care about the juicy bits and read my ramblings despite the lack of sex and private bits... then here goes..........

Ever have one of those days where nothing seemed to click?? where everything seemed to be off center some how??? Well that kinda sorta describes the weekend...

i arrived at Sir's on Friday night - a bit earlier than usual and He was still gulping down His dinner. Once finished, and after a rather heated discussion about my work.. and basically my mood..... we headed off to pick up Cloud who happens to be working on the South Shore for the next little while.. and have our usual Friday coffee klutch.

BUT .. for me anyway.. it didn't click. i felt out of sorts.. i thought Sir seemed out of sorts.. and Cloud was pooped from all his hard labour so he was kinda sorta out of sorts too.

As Sir was chaining me into bed.. and as my eyes were closing.. i kept thinking tomorrow will be better.... my own version of the song "The sun will come out tomorrow!!!"

Saturday turned out to be a day of waiting........ waiting for the piano tuner.. waiting for the ladies buying the piano.. waiting for the movers to come and see if they could move the piano..waiting for Sir to run out and loan His car to a friend for a quick moving job... and finally waiting again in the evening for the movers to ACTUALLY move the piano.

All this movement of people in and out of the house threw me off my game.. in my stupid lil subbie brain.. i had kinda thought i would be dressed in my kimono all day Saturday.. easily accessible to Sir.. absolutely readily available for Sir.

BUT even when Sir tried to beat my ass.. it was all sort of very polite.. did i feel like being beaten?? was i enjoying being beaten?? it was off center.. definitely off center.. but through no fault of anyone !!!

And talking about being off center.. which i was.. AM.. i sat on Sir's chair all day on Saturday ..even had a little nap on the chair Saturday afternoon........ and it cut me the wrong way across the back of the neck. i kept feeling like i had to sit off center on the chair to get the chair to fit properly.

By bedtime Saturday night i was almost in tears with how "off center" my body felt.. and i kept thinking once i stretch out in the bed the kinks will straighten out .. et voila.. i will be centered again.

BUT it didn't quite work that way... i fell asleep fitfully and slept fitfully all night.. worrying i would creep over onto Sir's side.. keeping my legs curled up so as not to straighten out and kick Sir.. keeping my arms folded up so i wouldn't flail out and punch Sir (and YES i have been known to do both .. frequently)...

And then somewhere around 5 / 6 Sunday morning i heard the weirdest buzzing sound... it nearly drove me crazy.. so i finally gave up trying to ignore it and got up and went downstairs......... convinced by this time that one of the laptops was gonna explode. Turns out it wasn't the damn laptops.. but a blackberry Sir discovered in His car after the moving for the friend.......... and had brought into the house to keep it safe. The blackberry had an alarm set. (By the way.. i give blackberry a gold star for noisy persistent alarms.. HELL i heard the damn thing upstairs!!)

i finally curled up on the sofa in the living room and managed to doze off again... only to jump awake when i heard Sir come down the stairs and into the living room.

My body felt as though it had been twisted permanently into a pretzel shape. It hurt.. bad. Sir even made His own breakfast with me watching perched gingerly on the edge of a straight back chair. i even took Tylenol hoping it would help straighten out the body and take the edge off the pain....... But it didn't work.

It seemed to me that all i wanted to do was cry on Sunday........... for really no reason...so i packed up and came home to be miserable by myself ( a much better solution) Off center weekends happen..... shit happens... it isn't the end of the world.. there is always next weekend or the weekend after that........... soon enough i will be spanked and whooped and fucked and the body and mind will center.. and twirl off down the path centered happily again..........

BUT for now..

i am feeling just a tad off center..........

More thoughts on humiliation.

Ya know what?? brace yourself... i feel a mini rant coming on.......

i wrote an entry on Monday about the humiliation play that happened at the party on Saturday night. A lot of comments/emails teased me?? joked?? about how much i loved it.

Can i say............... WRONG!!!! so very wrong.... i hated it.

Get your ass beaten.. and it leaves marks.. and everyone goes "OH WOW.. that must have hurt !!!"

Get your ego beaten.. mashed up and spit out.. no marks show and everyone says "OH WOW how much fun!!"

BUT ya know what?? the marks on the ego.. the self esteem.. they hurt bad.. maybe more than bruises on one's ass.

Know what else.. it ain't fun !!!

i have spent a good part of this week feeling out of sorts.. ugly.. slutty .. dirty... those are not fun feelings for me....... maybe for you.. but not for me !!

All those fairy tale blogs where everyone serves happily.. lapping up all the dirt .. all the pain.. all the humiliation that is dished out...... well i am here to say sometimes taking the pain is not a fairy tale at all.. sometimes doing what your Sir wants/needs/demands is damn hard.. and it hurts real bad......... BUT that is what makes it right ...........

serving when it hurts.......
serving when it is real.........
serving when it is not what you want.. when it is not fun ..

Gotcha

Ok.. that's my acknowledgment of April Fool's Day......... that's it... nothing more...

However.. it is THE first of the month...... and there is a new entry under the Fictional Journey...... part 5 of Behind the Screen.. no joke.. enjoy.