i have decided

i am not a masochist.

masochism definition

maso·chism (mas′ə kiz′əm, maz′-)

noun

1. the getting of sexual pleasure from being dominated, mistreated, or hurt physically or otherwise by one's partner
2. the getting of pleasure from suffering physical or psychological pain, inflicted by others or by oneself

i do not get pleasure from suffering physical or psychological pain inflicted by others or .. my god !! by oneself??? Nope.. no way........

i will explain what has brought me to this amazing revelation...........

Saturday Sir beat me over the ottoman in the living room - we discussed that. The thing that got me centered was the knife ... now yes it hurt.. but it was more the fear of what that knife COULD do that did it to me... not what was actually done.

i do not particularly like being over the ottoman.. i think it is because i can wiggle away.. and kneel up and move away completely.. and i do !! bad subbie - very bad masochist!! After all if i was really craving the pain... i would simply bend over.. grab my ankles.. and let Sir beat the hell out of me .. wouldn't i?? - which for the record is exactly what Sir wanted me to do............... and i balked.. loud and long. It is not pleasurable to be bent over .. holding one's ankles having the hell beaten out of them.... i explained to Sir - rather tearfully (tears of frustration more than anything) that i would have nothing to support me.. and that would mean that every hit.. every ounce of pain would be just that PAIN. There would be no floating away from it.. no getting on top of it.. it would just be PAIN .. bad pain to endure.

And why you might ask??

Because my body could not relax into it.. could not feel supported and protected from falling flat on my face. i would hold my position and my mind would work damn hard at keeping me in that position which would mean.. PAIN and only pain... no friendly endorphins - no adrenalin.. nothing.. only pain and holding my body in place.

SO

i can not possibly be a masochist. pointe finale !!

However......... Sir did take me downstairs to the playroom on Sunday - i did put the spanking new heater on... and He did chain me up to the cross.. and the strong wooden arms of the cross embraced my body and held me firm.. and i didn't have to think about holding any position.. i just had to lean against the structure and relax...

AND Sir used as many of the umpteen toys that hang on the wall down there.. from the crop - to the lexicon cane .. to the snake's tongue.. to the wooden paddle..to the dog whip ... to the tack paddle.. yes i said TACK paddle - the one i built by hammering carpet tacks through a wooden ball paddle.

And yes Sir left me bloody and weak and fragile...
And yes my fairies came
And yes i was contented and happy



BUT .. i can't be a masochist cause pain does not drive me to bend over and grab my ankles and just suck it up and take it.........

so there.. i've said it "out loud" so it must be true.