did you all wonder where i had disappeared to over the last few days??? never far.. trust me never far...
did you all see Sir's Happy Easter wish??? clever man He is.. so inventive.. so creative... can't have the same sort of Happy Easter card / pic that everyone else puts up...
and me? well i have been sorting out stuff in my head.. tired of writing the same "He flogged me.. He gave me an orgasm.. i squirted all over ... life went on in between... " it is hard to write the same thing week after week after week.. without sounding a terrible lot like summer reruns....
YET
that is what happened... many times over the past 3 days....
During one of the sessions i realized how alone i am .... Sir doesn't know what it feels like (and in my humble opinion there isn't anyone out there who can experience the pain - or the toy in quite the same manner that i do - that anyone does!)
and i had this image of a balloon floating upwards away from the world below.. being buffeted by strong winds.. pain surrounding it.. consuming it... alone high above the ground.. string dangling downwards - wondering what would happen if it floated too high away.. who would grasp the string and pull it back down to earth...
mostly the image was of being alone.. of the pain cutting into my body... and being alone to accept it and deal with it.. hearing myself say many times over .. i want this.. i really do want this.. this is who i am... and knowing i was alone in my need for pain....and being a little afraid of what would happen if i didn't take the pain anymore...... what would i become?? who would i be???
And another time i was chained to the cross .. in front of the mirror... and though 90% of the time i keep my eyes closed - every once in a while i opened my eyes.. and saw the back swing.. watched mesmerized as the whip (or whatever toy was being used at the time) would slice through the air and into my flesh.... cutting searing pain... watching the sweat bead up on Sir's brow as each hit became a little harder.. a little faster.. and i realized in many ways we are both alone with the pain... His in giving it .. giving just the right amount.. and me in accepting it... a gift .. that grounds me and centers me.. and is a huge part of who i am.
And to me... my lil subbie brain.. these sessions are zen like - where truth cannot be learned from others but can only be learned from within..........
Alone and yet together.. woven together like the patterns in the sand...
beautifully and profoundly put - while you're right that ech of us must experience a level of sensation that only WE can- I understand exactly what you are saying.
ReplyDeleteDo we ever know the actual "why" of it all?
ReplyDeletesuch depth of feeling........
ReplyDeleteoh...
ReplyDeletemy....
hugs, swan
"where truth cannot be learned from others but can only be learned from within"
ReplyDeleteAS it has to be .... each persons truth is as individual as we are.
There are some fascinating, sometimes scary, and often profound things to be learned about this journey we take aren't there. Maybe that's why some of us are sometimes uncomfortable with the term 'play', because what we experience, what we feel, is sometimes too deep, too intense, for that word (not always I agree).
ReplyDeleteYour paragraph about feeling like a balloon struck a chord with me. My image at those moments is always a kite....flying free, being tossed about on the winds, going higher and higher. I apparently often (though I don't always recall it) call to him 'don't let go, don't let go' at those moments.
Hope my email arrived safely sweety....a couple of first time emails to me ended up in junk recently!
love and hugs xxx