Words....

A few days ago.. Sir and i were talking.. i don't remember what about.. but i made a statement about pillow talk......... and Sir said "Sometimes He wants to have pillow talk but i am always asleep. "

Those words have been banging around in my head.. i feel guilty .. because there are times Sir wants to talk............ and i am asleep.

Now i can hear you all saying .. well just wake her up........... but unfortunately that is just not possible..

A handful of years ago i suffered a major burn out at work...... was off work for 3 months... that... combined with menopause and high blood pressure caused by stress.. the doctor has put me on a little pill i take every night before bed... she believes if i get a good night's sleep.. i can face just about anything in my day. The consequences of these lil pills were made very clear to me.. once on them.. i can never come off.. it seemed a small sacrifice for peace of mind.. lower blood pressure.. and a shiny disposition. (ok ok.. maybe the shiny disposition is a bit of an exaggeration!!)

There was a night.. awhile back.. not one of my prouder moments.. when Sir came to bed.. and decided to fuck my brains out... and did... only problem was i never woke up !!! In fact i didn't even remember it in the morning... it was the most embarassing moment of our relationship - for me !!! Sir loves to tease me about it.. but still .. i am mortified that i didn't stir.. didn't even have a memory of it... (and in case anyone is interested.. i apparently even had an earth shattering.. squirting.. body trembling orgasm !!)

So.......... waking me up to have pillow talk is out of the question.

i made a tongue in cheek statement to Sir when we were discussing this problem.. i said.. (using His frequent advice to me) "write it down"............ Sir said.. He could do that.. write it on my ass !!!

Interesting proposition eh??? how would i read the wisdom written on my ass?? stand backwards looking in a mirror.. and learn to read backwards quickly?? Present my ass for Sir to read back to me His words?? Or go through the day wondering what was inscribed on my ass.. such dilemmas !!! (tongue in cheek!!)

Words - on a pillow or on an ass or on a computer screen - are really just that ...... words.. how we understand them.. define them.. and use them is really what is important. And almost everyone understands, defines and uses words in ways that are different from others.

Still words are all we have to try and make ourselves understood.

Routines..

Routines are important to me... like my morning coffee.. always made fresh first thing when i wake up... and i bring it up here to my office to read the posts i missed the night before.. to sip while i write my private journal to Sir.. and take big gulps of it while i write my blog entry for the day (trying to get it finished before it goes cold - i HATE cold coffee)

i don't know when routines became such an important part of my life.. but they are... from when i wake up in the morning until i go to bed...

i make the bed before i shower.. i lay my clothes out with my towel wrapped around me.. dripping from the shower.. then scoot back to the bathroom and dry and powder - add crap to my limp hair... then dress.. then back to the bathroom to put on my makeup and then finally blow dry my hair - just before i scoot downstairs and out the door to work........

i pick up a coffee going in to school (there is Tim Horton's right across the street) and i always stop in the main office to pick up mail, check in with Mrs. F our new secretary, then finally continue my way down the hallway to my lil office ............ turn on the pc.. pick up the phone messages.. pick up the emails.. slurp my coffee without even noticing... and then off to check on "my" kiddies before getting down to the day's work.......

Late afternoon it is almost the reverse.. i make my way back down the hallway.. check in with Mrs. F .. say good night and head out into the cold.. to my lil red honda.. and home........

Once home there are more routines.. greeting the katlets... emptying my case.. sometimes even making another coffee.. back upstairs to the pc.. text Sir i am home.. and then unwind by reading my blogs.. catching up on everyone's day........

Then most of the time i do chores around the house while supper cooks.. feed the katlets.. but whatever i am doing .. it always stops at 7:30 when the katlets are put to bed (yes yes i actually put them to bed in the basement .. and close the door - to ensure i have a good night's sleep !! my male loves to play around 3 am) .......... by 8:00 i am on messenger chatting with Sir.. and by 9 i am in my bath.. 9:30 in bed.. 9:32 i am asleep..............

Boring eh?????????

There used to be weekend routines too.. with Sir.. like Friday night He would find something - be it needles or a spanking or clamps .. to refocus my attention from work to home.. to Him.... to help release the tension or stress from the week........ sometimes i would cry... pent up emotions finally finding their release....... sometimes i would laugh and be bratty...

Saturday's there was always at least one session...... and if we were going out shopping Sir would find something to keep me focused.. usually a rope harness to wear under my clothes.. usually there was one BIG session .. where i would meet with my fairies and dance and play ...

Sunday's were always rest days.. when i would do the laundry and serve Sir .. and snuggle up and watch some TV.. and just chill out......

Usually those weekend routines would recharge my batteries.. realign my thinking.. ground me.. and prepare me to face the next week's challenges head on.. knowing there was more to life than weekly routines.......

Maybe all those routines aren't good for me.. maybe they are what make me hate change.. maybe it is a good thing when routines change.. when i am made to be more dependent on me .. less dependent on everyone else to get me through a day.. a week.. a month.......

OR

Maybe

it is just the mid January blah's........ and the routines will return.. and life will be 'normal' again........ once January is finished...... and we head into boring depressing wintry February.............

What's love got to do with it?

For the last - almost a week - i have been doing some navel gazing....... i can not explain to anyone what is going on in my head... maybe it is nothing more than January blah's... i have been prone to them in other years.. where i want to lock the doors and keep the world out... i haven't had anything of interest to say.... i haven't had anything cute or bratty to say.. i haven't even had any wise and wonderful things to say........ i have been locked behind thick doors keeping everyone at bay.........

But thanks to a few folk who came knocking on my thick wooden doors.. i have slowly realized i am missed .. and fretted about .. when i close those doors. BUT those emails alone aren't responsible for my coming out of seclusion.....

i will try and explain.........

i have always said to any prospective Doms/Dommes - don't love me so much that You can't hurt me (i know you have read that here before) ..... The other day i begged Sir to love me enough to beat me silly ....... and He asked (poor Sir ) if this was some sort of subbie test?? and He repeated my pat line about loving too much !!!

When i am in this "lock the doors and keep the world out" mood i rarely come on the pc.. i don't want to know how wonderful your life is with your Master.. how wonderful and painful the sessions are.. how many blow jobs you have given.. or how many orgasms you have had... (jealousy is not a nice feature in a submissive) ..... so i haven't really been reading........ except for one or two favourite blogs..

One of those blogs is a new one for me... It is entitled The Wrong Side of the Hill... i came to find it because the owner of said blog has left some tongue in cheek comments here from time to time...... and because i loved .. LOVED.. his nick.......... "Mr. Upton Ogood".....

The other day he wrote a piece on politics and then a bit on BDSM .. actually that bit was his opinion on something written on another blog (you know how convoluted these things can get!!)

Mr. Upton Ogood wrote:

Yes...love can get in the way...it can't help but get in the way. You can hold-up or hold back because of concerns for your bottom and thus disappoint. Conversely, you can go way over the top because you expect that the bottom will want to please you and thus disappoint as well. So, sure, love can get in the way. But too, love is how you can find in yourself things that will serve your bottom.


And .. as i said to Him in a comment..... it finally got my ole brain percolating..

Actually it was the last little bit.. "love is how you find in yourself things that will serve your bottom" Maybe my thinking has been screwed up all these years.. maybe i should request that my Dominants love me enough to beat me and fuck me and keep me totally off kilter.......

love me enough to keep me focused
love me enough to chase away the stresses of the week with a good beating
love me enough to force me on my knees when the knees won't bend
love me enough to humiliate me
love me enough to make me do all those things i dread and hate

i think Mr. Upton Ogood has it right....... it is love - a deep abiding love inside - that gives the Dominant the strength to do unimaginable things to His submissive....

And in return .. it is the deep and abiding love inside the submissive that gives her the strength to accept willingly.

Inspiration

For many months i have been struggling to post an entry on my Fictional Blog ........ actually before "someone" politely points out to me that i have missed the odd month....... i admit it.. the inspirational juices just haven't been flowing............

But then i got the idea to try writing from a very different angle........ i found this web site.. and it spurred my imagination.. and ...... my inspiration. At first i just went looking for pictures of geisha.. of all things oriental... (actually that is exactly what i plunked into google "all things oriental") and i spent days and days wandering around the web.. feeling it soak into my soul...........

And of course i have these pictures that Sir sent me ages and ages ago........ and they sometimes haunt my dreams....... i wonder what is she feeling.. what is she thinking....... what will happen next...........i find these pictures very arousing (ok ok i am a bit weird - i know !!! )

If you wish to see the pictures that are inspiring me to write again...... check out the Photojournal ..........

and keep an eye on the calendar.. i should have the next installment to Behind the Screen ready for Feb 1st....

On getting old..

It is official .. not only am i "The Crazy Lady".. i am now "The OLD Lady"..

Let me explain......

Last evening Sir was explaining some silly prank some kids (only at the age of 30+ i don't much see 'em as kids) tried to pull in Montreal.............. i didn't get it last night... and figured i must be missing something........

So this morning i went to google and i looked up the event....... trying to understand the significance of this demonstration (of sorts)........

It was called "No Pants Day" ........... and this is how it was supposed to work.........
People were to gather outside a subway station........enter the station .. board a train.. and then strip off their pants and ride the train.

Apparently these "kids" were a little put off by the media showing up.......... so they disbanded and supposedly moved secretly to another location .. only problem was most of their ranks left........ so they were left with 8 or 9 "kids" to pull it off.. (it seems they didn't want their pictures taken)

NOW i can tell you..... if i was sitting on a subway (actually called Metro up here in Montreal) on a Saturday morning minding my own business.. and a group of "kids" (mostly males i might add) boarded the car i was on.. and proceeded to unbuckle their belts.. unzip their pants.. and strip off their pants.. i am thinking i would be pulling the security button pretty damn fast !!! i would not find their actions funny.. amusing.. or even intellectually challenging..........

i keep asking myself........ WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY TRYING TO PROVE??

Now i know in my day...... i did some mighty dumb things too.. mind you i was 18/19.. but i demonstrated against war.. i demonstrated for peace.. i demonstrated for equal pay for equal work..... not once did i strip off my pants...... i do remember giving a bus driver a daisy once........

In my google search i discovered this has been going on in other cities (thank god we aren't the only city raising nitwits). It has happened in NY .. in Toronto .. In LA (i think) ...

If you want to read the actual accounts of said demonstration here in Montreal.......

You can go HERE to read a blog entry of one of the participants....

Or you can go HERE to read the article that was printed in our City wide Newspaper (must have been a real slow news day !!)

i still don't get it...... i probably never will.... i guess i am just OLD!

A New Day

i guess it was about 50 years ago.......... i was walking down a street in Florida beside my parents....... i remember this street .. this walk... like it was yesterday.. it is an image that has haunted me for 50 years..........

And an elderly black gentleman was walking towards us. Now we were 3 abreast walking along that sidewalk, and as soon as my parents saw someone walking towards us they moved into a single line....... but still this gentleman stepped down into the street to walk past us. and i remember being stunned... i remember asking why?? there was room. And i remember my dad explaining why........

because he was black and we were white.

i was young........ but i got it........ and i didn't like it .. not one little bit.

Yesterday i turned to a woman in the staff room.. and i said.. "i never thought i would live to see this day" and she turned to me and agreed.

From the gutter to the White House.........

i don't know what kind of president Obama will make....... and i know there are a huge number of folks that don't think he will get the job done.............

BUT i don't care........ for me .. that wasn't the point of yesterday......

It was a day for the history books.. a day that reaffirmed my belief that all things are indeed possible.. if we all work for it........ a day that spelled hope in bold letters.......

it was a good day.

learning lessons..

i tried this weekend to be a service subbie... no opinions.. no objections.. no ideas.. just do what i am told to do........

BUT truth be told - i failed - miserably.

i had opinions on how the kitchen cabinets should be set up.. which dishes to keep which ones to throw.. i had opinions on what should go in the dining room cabinet.. and in the curio cabinet.. i even.......... phoned an Antique dealer and left Sir's phone number !!!

That wasn't doing what i was told...
That wasn't being a service subbie..
That was being bossy

i have a long way to go before i am a service subbie.. someone who serves without thought or opinion.......

And i am supposed to be - this lesson was taught a long time ago - an invisible subbie..

i am not an invisible subbie.. i always have a question or two for Sir.. and i want the answers now !! i am not patient ........... i am not standing quietly waiting for Sir to acknowledge me..

i am here.. now.. in your face... tapping my toe.. fidgeting....

Some days i can't help but wonder why i thought i could be anyone's submissive.. never mind Sir's...
Some days i can't help but think i would get along a whole lot better with the world if i just hid out in my tiny lil house.
Some days i have more questions than answers.. more doubts than beliefs... more stubbornness than gracefulness..

Some days i can't win for losing ...............

Truth in Horoscopes.

Floating along in the meandering stream of your feelings sounds idyllic today, but every time you start to get comfortable, erratic thoughts wake you from your reverie. As the day progresses, you become aware that the real events in your daily life must take precedence over your fantasies. It's not easy to bring yourself back down to earth, yet this is exactly what is currently needed.

Ughhhh what is it with my horoscopes on Saturday??!!! Last Saturday's was the catalyst that has me up at 6:00 am THIS Saturday.. packing a bag (ok BAGS) to head off to the SS (south shore for those not in the know) and help Sir pull His house back together...

Last evening i had hoped for some word from Sir to bring a toy or two.... (please please don't make me work all weekend with no play time !!) BUT there was no such email... so i am bringing myself and my work clothes.......

BUT that doesn't stop me from daydreaming about possibilities...... This house has so many possibilities for scenes... from the back porch to the basement - the dank dark basement that winds around and around .. nooks and crannies.. places to tie up a sub and leave her.. or places to bare her skin and leave her shivering .. then beat her black...

Ah yes the imagination was running wild.............

Then i was going through my morning routine - cup of coffee at my side - and i read today's horoscope.... "floating along in the meandering streams of your feelings............. bring yourself back down to earth - this is exactly what is currently needed"...

And it was like someone stomped all over my frozen bubbles (reference to yesterday's blog entry) ........ Sometimes life sucks the fun out of living........ ya know?? So i have packed my lap top (i have to HAVE something to do during break times don't i??) and my tooth brush... and once i have finished my coffee.. put out food/water for the kids (translate cats) .. i will head out into the frozen tundra and head off to the SS.

i will try and find my satisfaction in service........ full service subbie.. yup that's gonna be me... the pain the sex the fun will take a back seat .. and i will learn (relearn??) how to be a decent service subbie...........

After all that's what my horoscope and my heart tells me i should be doing today.......

Lessons learned

It is 8:00 p.m. Wednesday night.

Sir is out for the evening.

i was left a task email - sit on Mr. Mat for 30 minutes and think about the events of this past week.

At first it felt an awful lot like a punishment and i was upset.... i didn't think i should be punished for honesty.... i didn't think i should be punished for talking about how i feel...


BUT ... i brought out Mr. Mat and i am sitting on it.

And the weirdest thing happened... i had an epiphany. (ok maybe that is a strong word - but everything fell into place.)

Way back in November (i think it was) Sir started to empty His house... He asked me to come and help........... i thought about it and said no. i had what i thought then were good reasons.... now i don't think they were so good.

Something kaya said way back when.. and something melissa said... all kinda slapped me upside the head while i sat on Mr. Mat and focused on the events of the last week - the last few months. WHO did i think i was to say "no" to Sir?? WHO did i think i was to assume i had the best way of clearing out HIS house????

i am here to say .. i was wrong. and i apologize to Sir with all my heart.

What should have happened back in November was - i should have driven over to Sir's house and i should have done as i was told... pack that box, move that vase, empty that drawer - whatever Sir wanted done. i should have been the best submissive i could be.. i didn't.

That is the past.. tomorrow is a new day.

This weekend i will be going to Sir's. i will be helping Him finish up the house....... this weekend.. next weekend.. for as long as it takes.

Protest too much

There was one comment made this past weekend that made me uncomfortable.. that brought out the part of me that says... "whoa.. hang on a minute - you don't know ME.. you don't know what i do or don't do"

But that is the risk one takes - isn't it - when one writes from the heart .. but can only give part of the picture.

i had (hell i still have) this burning urge to stand up and say .. You got it wrong.. i am not a bad sub.. i DO serve Sir.. i DO try to please Him.......... but then my mother whispers in my ear saying " me thinks you protest too much". And she would be right.

But for the record.. i have not stopped serving Sir.. i will never stop serving Sir.. i still make His meals.. wash His clothes .. regulate His meals .. watch as He tests His blood.. collect His bloody test strips.. bring Him His pills and drinks.. and all the other little things that a sub does daily to serve and please her Master.

That blog entry was not about that.. it was about life - real life - taking its toll on a relationship.. it was about old bodies giving out and not performing the way they once did.. it was about demands from every sector taking its toll on a relationship.. it was about loving too much..

And it was .. i hoped it was.. about the undying love and devotion i have for this man i call Sir.. and that He has for me....

It was about honesty and the struggles that come from a long term (not long distance) relationship.

It was about communication.. and keeping the lines open ..

It was about listening to each other.. and really hearing what the other person says..

It was about a relationship being worth the work and the struggle to make it near perfect..

It was about life not being a fairy tale........... or about the next Dom just around the corner (or the next sub for that matter)

It was ......... just another page out of the book they call "Life"..........

and that is all i am going to say on the subject..
Sorry mom.. just this once .. i had to protest just a little bit !!

open letter

editorial note: i posted the following entry early this morning... i believe that even the difficult subjects should be discussed - Sir and i do NOT live a fairy tale life (even if i wish it were so) ...
Later in the morning i had second thoughts about the raw emotion - about the privacy of it.. and realized i should have asked Sir's permission to post it first. So i took it down..... Sir has told me to put it back up.... He believes as i do.. that perhaps the frank honesty of my blog may in someway touch another...








Many years ago.. way at the beginning of this journey with Sir.. i made Him promise me something.. that He would never love me so much that He couldn't hurt me. (sound weird?? yeah i guess it does... but to those that understand this thing called BDSM - they will understand my request)

What i didn't count on happening.. was loving me so much that He wanted to please me all the time.......... and that is as bad - maybe worse - than loving me so much He can't hurt me.

Sir and i have been struggling.... not so one could see.. not even so i noticed that much.... but like every relationship struggle.. there comes a time when one or both parties hits the wall.. and something.. SOMETHING.. has to be done...........

i sent Sir a private journal this morning...... (as i do every morning actually) but i was thinking .. this is something that might just help someone else who is struggling along similar paths as Sir and i .. it might help someone .. but then it might also just show how human Sir and i are.. how we struggle and fight to maintain a balance that is not always that easy to maintain.........

Here is the journal i sent to Sir this morning - with some changes to protect the innocent.........

You have an extraordinary ability now to intuitively pick the right solution to a problem. Although you might tell others that it's no big deal, the truth of the matter is that you can find the one brilliant answer, like a needle that was lost in the haystack. As long as you hold on to a clear vision of the way you would like things to be, you'll have a real shot at getting what you want.

Funny thing............ that paragraph above was my horoscope for yesterday........ i didn't read it till last night... and it made me sit up and say .. "oh yeah??!!" and i did some thinking about it.. and i realized i do know what the solution to our problem "looks" like... but sitting around visualizing the solution isn't the answer - at least i don't think so... i can daydream my life away and nothing will change.. the same way as You can say "it should be this way or that way... I screwed up my life.. I shouldn't do this or that" BUT if we don't change the way it is... to look more like we want it to look.. nothing but nothing is going to change.

i think i was more submissive .. more pliable .. when You were only a part time Sir.. when You were only a "training" Sir... i gave over everything to You then.......... but over the years i have slowly taken back a lot of the control over me.. because You were too busy.. or You didn't want to push.. or whatever the reason.... i can't be this vacuum with no direction.. and if it isn't given to me.. the direction i mean.. i am a floundering mess.... so i had to take back control at times so that i didn't flounder...... i remember one order way back in the early days.. "go to M and give her a foot massage" i didn't want to go.. god i had to drive all the way there.. find my way there !!!! drag everything for a foot massage there.. do it.. then drag everything home... and it was a waste of my day so to speak.. but i did it.. butterflies and all.. because You ordered it ! Now You don't order anything.. You feel me out.. will she want to do it?? will she not want to do it??? and most of the time i give You excuses .. i dig in my heels... and the thought You had.. never becomes an order.. because i didn't show enthusiasm for it.. more and more i have been turning up my nose at things just to see if You would finally just ORDER it.. but You didn't.. and yeah i was a BAD sub for doing that.. but the tone in Your request.. was more "if you want" and i didn't want .. so.. ????

Should i be punished for this??? NO.. absolutely NOT !!! why?? Because it is YOUR job to order .. not to request.. not to be mamby pampy.. but to be firm.. to have a clear cut idea what is going to be done or not done.. and to order it.. It used to be my job to follow the orders.... whether i liked the idea or not... and then the next day write it up in my journal.. respectfully .. what i thought about the whole thing....

And so over the years.. we have managed to be 90% vanilla with me being a shrew of a woman .. always getting her own way.. and 10% of the time You whip my ass over the ottoman .. just to keep the feeling of BDSM sorta kinda in the relationship (this is how i see it )

and for the record i am NOT pissed off with YOU...... i am upset that i feel like i am running the show.. i am making decisions i never wanted.. everything (it feels like everything is being put on my shoulders to decide or not to decide) take for example the 78 Highlanders.. i moaned a bit about having to go to their functions.. You said i didn't have to go to them if i didn't want to.. BUT You had to go cause You were the photographer.. as my Sir.. don't You want me there with You??? Aren't You proud to have me by Your side??? couldn't i .. for all intensive purposes... have to go as Your aide?? Your right hand .. to lug camera equipment.. keep track of lens etc.. to work for You?? isn't that my job as Your submissive?? to be by Your side?? THEY most certainly do not have to know that i am there because i am Your submissive... BUT the reality is .. i AM there because i AM Your submissive.. isn't that sort of .. kind of... melding vanilla with the D/s .. with OUR world??

Want a list of what i need and want Sir?? it might just surprise You..... i do need whippings and floggings and sex regularly.. but more than that i need some after care too.. what has happened to the after care?? i go flop on my chair and You ask (sometimes) if i need juice and that is it.......... am i so tough now i don't need any after care?? didn't You notice last week - after You let Cloud use the new slapper on my ass to thank me for dinner - that i landed up shedding a few tears in Your neck while i was thanking You.. didn't You think i might need just a little more aftercare than a hug and a flop on my chair???

i think it all boils down to i need to feel You are in charge.. and i will fall into line.. without threats of punishments.. without threats at all.. they may say it is the submissive who is in charge.. but i beg to differ.. when i am left to feel in charge.. i am not a good submissive at all !!! i am a SHREW... and i hate it.. and i hate myself..

And you know something else that has happened over this time Sir?? i feel very unpretty.. unsexy.. unwomanly... someone no one could love or want to be with .....(edited for privacy)....... just once in a while to know that You see me as a woman.. as a sexy .. sensual being would be nice....... to be ordered to suck Your cock .. to lie naked in bed with You and feel Your cock pressing against me.. feel You playing with me sexually.. that would be nice.. that makes me all mellow and squishy and soft inside.. and it makes me want to crawl to You on my hands and knees and lie at Your feet.. it makes me all subbie feeling.. and that is a good thing no??

oh yeah.. one last thing that is banging around in this subbie head of mine......... You are always saying You try to please everyone and please no one......... i felt that way too... feel that way too........ BUT then i try to remember there is really only ONE person i should be pleasing and that is YOU.. maybe You should think about that.. there is only one person You need to please .. and that is me.. pleasing all those people in our lives should NEVER EVER be more important than pleasing You or me.... cause if we are happy and strong.. everything else will fall into place.. or just won't matter... cause at the end of the day.. where are all those people?? certainly not caring if OUR needs are being met... there is just You and me together Sir .. at the end of the day.

well............ now i have written a journal that says something eh Sir?? to quote You.. be careful for what You wish (cheeky grin)

respectfully

Your littleone

Bloggers ..

i love to organize.. it doesn't much matter what.. i organize my rooms.. my cupboards.. my desk.. my office (at home and at work) i organize my menus.. my bookmarks.. my files on my pc (i don't always remember to back up those files but hey they are neatly organised !!)

And when i get home at night from work.. i walk into a relatively organized house .. walk up to my relatively organized office.. turn on my organized pc.. and prepare to browse through my blogs....... all bookmarked under various headings .. from "favourites" to "interesting reads" to "new reads" to "seldom updated"... i browse through all of them.

i am truly interested to hear what is happening in your world.. what ups or downs you are experiencing.. what new theory you may have.. what new toy you may have tried......... i am interested in whatever is going on in your life. i sip my afternoon coffee and browse.. quietly. And please note: i do not use one of those RSS feeder thingies that tells you when someone has posted - nope not me !! i open my bookmarks and browse...... it is always such a nice surprise to see when someone has posted... and a little disappointing when someone hasn't......... and i don't always leave comments...... some days the brain is dead and i have nothing to offer.. other times it has all been said before i get there..... but i read.. even if i don't comment.

And know what upsets my organized world??? and makes me shift uncomfortably in my chair???

When i load up a blog i have read for weeks / months / years and discover .. POOF.. it is gone. It upsets me. It makes me downright cross !! How dare they just shut it down.. not a word of goodbye.. no warning.. just POOF gone !! Don't they realize i have been reading daily and have a vested interest in what is going on in their lives??

It really annoys me... or maybe it is more that it upsets me... i don't much like change - we have talked about that before... and having a blog just disappear is a major change to my afternoon routine. And then i sit for a while wondering what happened........ so many things can and do happen......... they ran out of words.. they got busy (but they posted regularly right up to the day they went poof!!??) they are sick (but they took time to take it down??!!) Their lives turned upside down.......... And on and on it goes.. my imagination wondering what happened..........

i think there should be some contract that is signed between bloggers and readers.. some sort of promise that they won't just go POOF in the night.. that they will at least leave a closing statement.... something ... so we faithful (or obsessive) readers won't worry about them.........

Of course there is the other side of the coin.. the bloggers who write fiction as truth.. and maybe the truth catches up with them.. and they are ashamed and disappear quickly in the night to try and save face............ there have been a couple of those over the years of my reading blogs...

Whatever it is.... once a blogger has gone POOF.. i have to reorganize my bookmarks.. sometime i just move a blog to the "seldom updated" group.. other times i delete them.. and then i reorganize my afternoon reading......... for the first little while i miss the deleted ones... and then i think - as i am thinking now - that it is time to find some new blogs to add to my bookmarked reading list.......

So .. if you know of a blog that you deem worthy of reading let me know....... let me know if YOU have a blog (all those anonymous readers here) and maybe i will add you to one of my lil organized groupings and come with my afternoon coffee and learn what is going on in your world............

Just please ............ dear readers and fellow bloggers.. just please don't go POOF in the night!!

Sex and fiction

Last night Sir was out.. i had my usual "task email" for the evening. i was to finish my latest entry to the Fictional Journey and then masturbate twice...... have my bath ...... and masturbate once more before lights out.

Now .. i had decided to take the Fictional Journey on a new twist.. try some different writing styles and different themes.. BUT i have been struggling with it. It is much easier to turn my imagination on and let my fingers flow with the mood. Unfortunately recently the imagination has been running dry...... and therefore no easy entries. So i decided to try something brand new.. which isn't always that easy.

So last night i sat down and started to type.... with the thought of a nice orgasm as my reward (with the holidays etc it had been a long time and my body was so ready for it!!) It seemed to take me forever to get the story flowing..... i had to stop to google ideas for names etc.. but finally the fingers started to fly across the keys....

Honestly in less time than i thought possible i had the first entry for "Behind the Screen" ready to post. It isn't so much BDSM.. or sex.. as my usual stories.. mind you it is just the first in (what i hope will be ) many entries and things will heat up considerably over the next few months........ but for some reason this first entry turned me on more than i ever imagined.

i couldn't wait to hit the publish button and head off to the bedroom and my new hitachi !! i was surprised at how wet i was before i even turned the hitachi on....... dripping actually... it took me almost no time at all before i was having my first orgasm........ and oh my god what an orgasm it was !!! Usually i do not have such earth quaking / leg shaking orgasms by myself. But that wasn't the case last night....... my body had a mind of its own.... and i even squirted.. so hard and so much i soaked the bed .........

Now i don't know if the orgasms were due to the length of time since my last one.. or the new story.. i like to think it is the new story....... if you would like to check out my newest entry to the Fictional Journey - click HERE.........

Can i say OUCH??

well i am gonna .. say OUCH.. and ouch again..

Let me tell you about my New Year's day.......... i had emptied the office... in preparation for painting.. so yesterday i was up the ladder stripping border (wall paper) off the walls.... in a tshirt only... (imagine the view from down below)

Sir came into the office and decided (god only knows why!!!) that i needed some inspiration...
so there i am up the ladder.. stripping the wallpaper border.. and Sir starts hand spanking me.. OUCH!!! how am i supposed to concentrate on the wallpaper when every time i reach upwards and outwards to pull another piece - exposing my ass more - Sir's hand comes stinging down on exposed flesh???

When i finished stripping the wallpaper - washed the walls - filled up all the holes - i decided the painting could / would wait until another day........

Did that mean i got to have a lazy afternoon?? Nope.. Sir decided that i needed to experience the new beat the sub toy .... again............... honestly i didn' t think it was that necessary - i already knew what it felt like.., ouch ouch ouch is how it felt... BUT Sir wanted to experiment with it again.. so over the ottoman i went for a sound whooping with the beat the sub new toy.........

And then... after dinner .. when i was feeling all warm and fuzzy and lazy.. Sir decided it was time again.. AGAIN.. to use the beat the sub new toy.... and i was once again over the ottoman..

It is such a wicked toy.. Sir can use it softly rhythmically and i am in heaven.. and being the evil nasty man He is.. Sir lures me into this false sense of security by going nice and soft and rhythmical and then when i am not looking.. wham........ He hits the soft spot.. He ups the ante until i am banging my legs on the floor.. using language that would make a trucker blush.. and Sir just keeps on keeping on........

This morning my ass hurts.. ouch ouch ouch... and know what?? there isn't one mark.. not one!!! Yet it feels like it is black and blue...........

i am thinking i am gonna spend a whole lot of time painting today... or maybe hide the new beat the sub toy ... or distract Sir.. yeah distract Sir.. there's an idea... coffee Sir???