Gifts

Sir wrote briefly about our Anniversary yesterday on His blog....... mainly He posted pictures (which He prefers to actually writing - cheeky grin - but then they do say "a picture is worth a thousand words" right??)

But i wanted to talk a little bit about the gifts Sir gave me...... and i mean besides the gardening book which will give me new ideas to brighten up the small gardens i have and the DVD of Bryan Adams which will encourage me to get back on the treadmill !!!

It was our anniversary - our 6th anniversary - and somehow the day needed to be special - out of the ordinary - not a run of the mill day .. right?? Oh Sir could have hung me from the chains and used each toy 6 times........ but in all honesty - 6 times for each toy would only have been a tease - i am a pain slut and god how i must tire Sir out!!!






Sir was methodical when the 'events' started. First He brought out one of the Oriental knives Cloud gave Him and laid it on the table beside me....... giving me loads of time to 'imagine' what was coming. Then He slowly lifted my tshirt and exposed my breasts. Then He stood - for what felt like minutes but which was probably only seconds - with knife in hand - tip of the blade resting against my breast - before He started carving. i knew right away what was being carved - i am no dummy!!! a big number 6. i held my breath, i moaned, i whined and yeah i blinked back tears. Trust me having anything carved into one's skin HURTS!
After the first "6" He moved to the opposite breast and repeated.

Then i was left to gasp and recover. Then He did it again. And again i gasped and moaned and blinked back tears. SIX times over the course of the day Sir carved that number into my breasts. i did wiggle and squiggle - despite my best heroic efforts to hold still. (which is why there are several lines forming the "6")

All day long and all night long those 6's burned my breasts... All day long and all night long i remembered the 6 years we have been together. i have a feeling it will be several days - perhaps weeks of 6's emblazoned on my breasts reminding me of the 6 years.. which is just so much better than 6 strikes of each toy which would have sent me off to fairy land .. but by today i wouldn't have any souvenirs to speak of........ oh yeah.. Sir got the gift right.. very right!! marks to touch and fondle and remember..........



i love You Sir !! and our up and down six years !!!

Anniversary

Today - July 29th - Sir and i have been together for 6 years !

Every anniversary i struggle to find something that is "us".. that shows my devotion to Him.. my love for Him.. a gift that comes truly from the heart.

i realized this year it is getting harder and harder to come up with ideas... 6 years of home made gifts..

This year i made Sir a photograph album that shows a smattering of our 6 years together.
The slide show above displays just some of the pictures that are in the album........

i wish i could invite all of you - every single one of you who stop by to read me - to come and celebrate with us... (hey who ever said i was practical!?) But that would be impossible..
so we will include you all ..in our hearts.. today.




the finished gift.

"It's a small world after all "

Sir says i have way too much time on my hands.. maybe He is right...... but then for 10 1/2 months of the year i have way tooooo much on my plate to have any time to myself.. so??? maybe a little too much time is an ok thing for me .. dontcha agree??

Anyway.. this whole topic came up over some stupid thing i was talking about.. but .... this week i was putzing around on the net.. doing one of my infamous click this link . .go there.. click another link and get totally lost wandering.... on one of the sites there was this neat map... a map that indicates where the folks are from that read the page........ and immediately i went .. "i want THAT"....

So i went through the registration process (they really should have one registration form for all the silly add ons for blogs and web sites etc and a button to hit that says "refer to" to save time) Anyway........ i got registered and downloaded the html code.. and uploaded said html code to The Journey.......... and sat back and waited..

(oh yeah .. you can see this infamous map on the right hand side of the screen )

Day one there was nothing.. i gather it has to be up for at least a full 24 hours for any hits to be registered..

Day two the red dots on the map started to appear........

Today Day three i am checking out the red dots..... (if you click on the map it enlarges) and i see dots all over the place...... including off the shore of Australia.. wait a sec....... in the ocean??? Steve...... way over there in Aussie land........ if you read this.. can you explain why someone is sitting in the middle of the ocean reading my blog?? or is there some wee small island there...........

Another thing i noticed is that other than Quebec i have absolutely NO hits from Canada........now what is that about?? i happen to know for a fact that i have at least one visitor from Friendly Manitoba.........

Now does this mean that this map thingy doesn't work like they vowed it would??
i refuse to believe that.. i am gonna go on enjoying watching the little red dots appear on the map.. and seeing the far flung places some of you visit from........


It really really is a small world isn't it??

And now for something a little bit different........

ok ok .. it is enough now.. all this introspection is not good for the morale of the troops...... so today i am gonna bounce all over the place and talk about some fun stuff..



like my garden....(But first a question) why is it people call their garden blogs "garden porn"

In case you haven't figured it out yet.. i love my gardens (small though they are) and surround myself with as much colour as i can possibly have in my secret garden....... i was up almost with the sun this morning.. (not quite but close enough) and wanted to take pictures of my 'lil darlings' in the early morning sun...... now i know Sir will say this picture is way too dark...... but can i claim artistic license on it??? huh huh can i ??

Now see what happens when the sun is shining down ...... the colours don't come out true.. at least i don't think so...........


now just a little word on why these plain ordinary every day geraniums are my pride and joy........ i didn't kill them! simple as that. i brought them in last winter and nursed them to the best of my ability up here in the office all winter long.. replanted the sickly things in the spring and threw them outside.. vowing i could always buy new ones if they died.. and look at them.. both these in the metal container and the ones in the picture above..
all nursed through the winter and making me proud this summer !!!!!





Now this poor sickly looking bush is in actual fact a "Sharon's rose" but unfortunately i am impetuous and decided to transplant the poor thing in the heat of July....... it is barely hanging on for me.. despite my best nursing care...... i don't expect it will flower this year.. but hopefully it will survive both the mid summer transplant and the winter and NEXT summer it will be a mass of blooms!!! (lesson noted.. no transplanting .. even with lots of water .. in the heat of July!!)



Now .. way back when .. when i first moved in here.. there was (and still is) a rustic fence by my front walkway..... i had visions of black-eyed susans against the backdrop of this rustic fence (which is a polite way of saying rickety ole thing) ....... i bought two rather small sickly plants and plopped them in....... this year has to be the best showing!!!

It fascinates me how the buds struggle to open... it makes me think of giving birth (don't ask me why.. it just does!!) Each petal slowly opens to revel the beauty of the flower..






















And on that bright note.... i will move along to the daily chores.. busy weekend coming up.... family barbeque tomorrow (so you KNOW it is going to rain!!) and a special day come Sunday - more on that later...........

Reflections

"It's the submissives that show to others what type of Dom owns them." – Anonymous


That quote this morning got me thinking..... it ties in to my post about gracious slavery. (well i think it does!! and again it is my blog so go with the bouncing ball !!)

If we as submissives are proud of who and what we are AND proud of who owns us we should be a living example of it.

A goodly amount of time (recently) i have not been a shining example of who my Sir trained me to be... Sometimes i do not serve Him without a grumble or whine or small stamp of my foot... Sometimes i want to nudge Him (ok ok maybe shake Him is more the truth) and get him to see me sitting invisible in that corner.. Sometimes i shake my head "NO" when He wishes to clamp my nipples or my pussy.. or anything that doesn't quite fit into my plan for the day... Sometimes i am less than a gracious slave at public events... letting my own private frustrations at the general tone of the community colour my participation at the events.... Sometimes it would seem i have lost touch with my goals.

i was reminded of lessons learned at my father's knee...... learning to "sit like a lady.. walk like a lady".. social graces.. never do a half assed job - ALWAYS do the best you can.. always BE the best you can be.. please thank you.. and on and on........ The lessons Sir taught me aren't all that different..... only now i do those things with him in mind.. be it at work.. shopping... cleaning the house.. i should be doing them all with him in mind.. His pleasures.. His comforts.. His pride..... taking the me out of the equation.

i should be a positive reflection of the man who owns me. Perhaps i have become too self indulgent.. been too indulged... my figurative leash has become too loose....... i need to focus on Sir and a whole lot less on "me".......so that when the "world" sees me they see the wonderful man who owns me.

gracious slavery

Recently i was reading blogs..click a link go here.. click another link go there... sorta getting lost in the adventure of blogs upon blogs... but i found one that i rather liked... "View from the Floor"

My criteria for blogs - any blogs... vanilla or BDSM.. is that they must be REAL.. i don't want to read fantasy.. (ok ok sometimes i do.. but i want to KNOW i am reading fantasy.. not some trumped up fantasy made to look like real life) and View from the Floor sounded REAL to me.. the angst of living .. period! no glossed over bad parts.. life spelled L I F E..

The other day she was writing about how it isn't always easy to graciously serve.. something like that.. you can read her own words at View from the Floor yourself.. but it got me thinking..... BIG time.. Between her and kaya ( who wrote two posts on July 23rd) ... and my own life.. it seems as though there is a thread here.. no matter how thin it might be.. i SEE a thread.. (and this is MY blog and if i say there is a thread there is.. just follow the bouncing ball)

i... yes me!!.. have been struggling with gracious slavery as i have to come to call it in my own lil subbie head. As i politely pointed out to Sir.. i am after all on holidays!! And of course He politely pointed out to me that i am NOT on holidays from HIM! (2 points for the Dom) It is bloody hard to spend Monday to Thursday pampering JUST my needs - eat when i want - what i want - how i want - read all day long in my secret garden without talking to a living soul.. play with the train layout at 7 in the morning if i want and not worry about running juice and pills and blood meters up the stairs at 8 sharp!! A selfish kind of existence it is.... then comes Friday and suddenly i am expected to serve graciously with a smile even........ i may really be into a chapter in my book.. or really enjoying sunning myself like a cat curled up in a sunbeam..... but if it is 1:00 pm lunch better damn well be on the table...... and something interesting too!!

And then there is something Sir labeled... quite well i might add...this week...... He called it BDSM bankruptcy. And sometimes that is exactly how it feels. i am serving and bowing and scraping (and yeah muttering under my breath all the way through it) and in return i expect some damn good S/m sessions with a whole lot of sex thrown in for good measure. WHAT?? i am not supposed to have those expectations?? why the hell not?? i am serving aren't i?? Sometimes i just want to give Him a great big nudge and say "hey remember me?? sitting over here in the corner - trying real hard to be invisible ?? wanna come and use Your equipment before it rusts up completely??" (real gracious huh??)

And another problem i have identified.. in making this gracious serving a little harder than normal ........ train layouts. Now i have always compartmentalized our life - vanilla versus BDSM. Vanilla always translated into family and vanilla friends........ BUT now it would seem train layouts have edged into vanilla-ism. Why?? because quite simply put.. i have control over what is being done - as far as the scenery goes. i just take over and do it the way i want to do it.... and god help Sir if He even thinks of offering a suggestion........... and god after the fact.. after i have scowled at Him.. and huffed and puffed enough to blow the damn condo down.. i realize two things 1) it is HIS train set.. layout not mine !! and 2) i am the sub around here.. get it??!!!

kaya was saying in her blog that she is not going to push anymore... and carrieann from the View from the Floor says she is going to stop the bitching and complaining and whining (my words folks!!!) and go with the flow more.... cause in the end.. everyone is much happier. And me?? well i am thinking that i have taken this summer holiday a little too much to heart... like not bothering to shave last week. And taking all my personal angst (i think that is my new word for the week... ANGST..... i do love the way it sounds and it does cover the situation so bloody well) and putting it where it belongs... out on the front stoop....... it does not belong in my relationship with Sir... He knows about it.. now let's move on shall we???

It is not an easy road we all journey along in this BDSM life. Sometimes it becomes quite routine and not very exciting....... like doing the dusting or washing dirty underwear. And sometimes the sub does have to just sit in the corner and get a little rusty... maybe even have a cob web or two hanging from the edges... before the Dom realizes what is missing from His life! Or realizes that life sometimes becomes too easy and lazy... and He pulls Himself up by the boot straps and gets back to His side of that contract (long since filed and forgotten) .....

me...... well if i am sitting in the corner getting a little rusty and cob webby from now on... i am gonna do it graciously and with a smile..... cause that IS what i signed up for.... gracious slavery.....which is not to say i won't wiggle my ass at Sir occasionally .. or yell "stop MotherF*#@*ker" occasionally when the situation is right........ i will just try and do it all with a whole lot more grace !!!

contemplating my navel

It is strange to me .. after such a good weekend ..... to find myself feeling down today.. i worked on the train layout a wee bit this morning.. but when the sun came around to my secret garden i took myself outside and curled up with a book..

But even the book didn't hold my interest.. i was just restless and fidgety. It was one of those.. "what the hell is the matter with me?" days. i gave up and just let my brain go where it would.......

i thought about how i was punished this weekend.. i have always had this terrible habit - especially when i am being cheeky - of sticking my tongue out.. i have been known to even do it once or twice to my kiddies at school........ It is something that Sir doesn't mind.. but i am forbidden to stick it out at Him.. He sees it as a sign of disrespect. Now i do work on not sticking my tongue out at Sir.. even when He teases and torments me.. but on Sunday.. i slipped and out came the tongue......... i tried all kinds of excuses .. like i was licking my lips .. i wasn't really sticking it out at Him.. just thinking.......... i even tried batting my baby blues...... but it didn't work.. and i was sent to get the tabasco sauce. Now this may not sound like such a horrible punishment to you..... but a) i HATE tomatoes and b) i HATE hot spices... Sir sprinkled it liberally on my outstretched tongue... i shudder even now thinking about it.. it burned the roof of my mouth.. cleared out my sinuses.. and left a bloody awful after taste in my mouth.... of course i am not allowed to drink or in any way get rid of the taste..... trust me it will be a long while before i stick out my tongue again...... maybe i will just wiggle my ass at Sir instead.. He doesn't seem to mind that......

i thought about the rule of always being "available" for Sir. This is a rule that didn't come easily to me at the beginning...... But now it is second nature......... most of the time. But sometimes i wonder what the point is....... i was brought up to believe that mystery is a very good thing...... that it heightens the desire.. and of course "proper ladies" never flaunt what they have........... now i wonder if Dominants don't get bored (for lack of a better word) seeing naked or semi naked subbies ......... wouldn't a little mystery make it more interesting?? And isn't there a certain..... je ne sais quoi...... to stripping a sub.. or making her strip?? ahhh well .. just one more thing i was contemplating today........

And i was contemplating how a couple of pictures Sir took of me this weekend nearly sent me over the edge...... i looked old!! i looked fat and ugly. (there i said it!! fat and ugly) And yeah i know all the pat phrases.. it isn't what's on the outside that counts.. try this diet.. or that diet.. you aren't THAT old! .. i know it all..... but still the feelings lurk under the surface... Sir and i talked a little bit about that this weekend.. the fat stuff i mean.. i was semi joking how i got the raw end of the deal....... somehow i managed to get the genes from my maternal grandmother...... everyone else in the family gene pool was proportionate.. and had red hair to boot... me.. i have blonde hair (or did before i got old) and blue eyes.. a frame that would be better suited to a football player..... add to that two babies and not a whole lot of exercise.. AND menopause.. and ughhhhhhhhh i am fat and ugly.. and yes i know i can fix that.. makes me think about the old come back line when someone calls you fat.... "i may be fat.. but you're ugly.. at least i can lose the weight"

And i also thought about how complacent i have become on this summer break...... yeah yeah i am cleaning the house thoroughly and doing the gardening..... i don't mean that sort of stuff.. i mean.. like fixing myself up....... i have become lazy.. when i work i do my hair every day and put on makeup.. all the girly stuff... but i stopped the primping and preening when i went on break....... this weekend - believe it or not - i didn't even shave for Sir!!! (not that i am a hairy beast.. one of the good things about the maternal grandmother's genes) BUT even still Sir noticed.. and commented. i corrected that this afternoon... shaved from head to toe and even gave myself a manicure.. yeah me!!!

A whole lot of navel contemplating.. not a whole lot of action...... but sometimes one just needs to look inside and sort things out...........

Now .. for those of you who actually care about the train layout............ here's a couple of pictures of the new mountain/tunnel/provincial park.........

foggy days

It is definitely one of those ...." i don't think we're in Kansas anymore toto".. days

The picture i put up is not poor photography.. but a good example of my blurry memories of the last two days.....

Friday night strung up to the chains in the ceiling.. not feeling at all like i really wanted to do this.. feeling so much like the post i posted about not a virgin anymore having a great deal to do with this session... feeling a bit put out.. and tired and yeah i will admit it bored.......it was a really hard session with me white knuckling it.. and bitching and complaining i was turning into a wimp.. and oh my god!! how could we go to camp ... no how could *i* go to camp in this piss poor shape.... and then Sir taking me down from the chains.. and my telling Him my right shoulder hurt.. and i had no feeling down the arm into the fingers.. and i remember Him telling me that i had collapsed in the chains.. perhaps a little too hard.. a little too fast.. for the shoulder to compensate.. i remember Sir rubbing it and massaging it... i remember Sir bringing me upstairs and getting me juice to raise the blood sugar and help soothe the throat that had screeched and yelped and cried out till the voice box was sore and as bruised as my ass..

i remember Saturday.. me being a tad cheeky.. stripped naked working on the mountain/tunnel - naked to avoid ruining yet one more outfit with the plaster - and pulling the silly train engineer's cap on.. wiggling my ass at Sir.. just being plain cheeky (and yes i meant the pun!!!) i remember asking for permission to curl up outside under the umbrella in the secret garden to read after lunch.. curled up.. like a cat in a sunbeam.. lapping up the words in my book... and Sir appearing in the door frame.. clover clamps in hand.. coming out and slapping them on my nipples.. evil grin.. saying "come and find me in 30 minutes" .. i remember struggling to focus on the words.. the deep burning pain in my nipples making it next to impossible to think about much other than breathing.. feeling the nipples leaking..... (yeah yeah - 25 years after i breast fed my last child and i still have times when the nipples leak!!) i remember Sir gently removing the clovers .. and the searing pain that shot up into my underarms.. into my breasts... bringing real tears .. rivers of wetness sliding down my cheeks.. and Sir pulling me into His arms wrapping me up tight in His embrace.. whispering in my ear that i had made Him proud....

And i remember being ordered - later on when i should have been making dinner - over the sofa.. and Sir's hand spreading me wide apart.. feeling Sir kneeling between my legs.. feeling my ass against Him.. feeling His hand entering me.. feeling it find the spot! hearing the sloshing sounds (that ohhhhhhh so embarrass me) begging to cum... and then being in the kitchen .. making dinner like nothing at all had happened.. feeling my wetness still streaming down my legs.. smelling my smell...............

And later still.. curled up watching TV with one eye and trying to finish my book with the other... Sir ordering me downstairs.. and i went.. feeling more focused now.. ready for what may come.. feeling cheeky and bratty and oh so looking forward to this..

Telling Sir (as He strung me up to the chains one more time) that i was working on a "no play list"... and proceeded to tell Him which toys were NOT to be used (like i had a chance in hell of being listened to!!! other than to humour me) .. He gave me a choice.. blind fold or gag.. i chose blind fold.. and darkness descended.. making it more difficult to know what was or was not... feeling the clover clamps rubbing over my nipples.. hearing myself beg piteously NOT THE CLAMPS PLEASE!!! my nipples still dimpled and sore ....

Smells.. i remember my smell filling the room.. i remember feeling the wetness leaking down my legs.. i remember wishing i could feel Sir inside me.. scratching the itch deep inside me.. but mostly i remember my smell...

And then ... i remember morning.. and wondering how i came to be tucked up in bed .. peaking out from heavy eyes to see sunshine streaming in the window.. feeling heavy limbed .. foggy brained.. and oh so right with the world............

Not a Virgin anymore!

i have been so bored with my vanilla writings lately..... but nothing much else was going on...... and .. and.. well i just didn't have any inspiration......... That is until yesterday. kaya was writing about how her Master had lost some of His .. sadistic nature?? or she was wondering if He had........ and then she wrote another one where she had kinda worked it all through....... if you want to read the originals rather than relying on my interpretation of it all click here.....



Anyway.. it all got me to thinking........ when Sir and i were first together.. i begged Him not to love me too much....... BS (before Sir) i had had 2 Dominants who when they declared their love for me.. the pain virtually ended. It turned out they couldn't love me AND hurt me at the same time. So i didn't want Sir to love me too much. (weird logic right??)



Now we have been together almost 6 years!! and yes there is a certain je ne sais quois about our play.... it has a different "feel".... it doesn't feel as edgy ... it doesn't feel as 'scary'... it feels as though i have more control over what happens and what doesn't happen....... if i say "ouch that hurts" Sir takes a look at what hurts.. example last weekend there was a needle that was giving me a lot of pain.. i complained and Sir took it out...... Sir took it OUT!!! i was happy at the time.. but later i worried that if i had said they all hurt Sir would have taken them all out............ but aren't needles stuck in your ass supposed to hurt?? isn't that what a masochist lives for .. the pain??? Isn't that what a sadist lives for.. to create the pain????



And there are the many positions that create pain - well mental pain if not physical pain - there are bits of equipment that scare me.. and Sir never uses them anymore.. and i have started to ask (in my mind) why???? i am realizing that part of the "foreplay" for me was the little twinge of fear... the what ifs that kept me off balance....... and i liked feeling off balance - even if i did bitch and complain about it.....



When i cleaned the bedroom .. and moved the big heavy wooden bed across the room to clean.. i looked at the back of the headboard - not something i do frequently when it is up against the wall.. there were the 0 rings that Sir had lovingly placed there many years ago......... for the times He did good old fashioned bed bondage on me.. When i was cleaning out/cataloging all the old pictures i came across more than a few pictures of me strung up - indecently exposed - by ropes strung through those very same 0 hooks.. and i had to wonder how come Sir doesn't do that anymore??



i opened up the toy box (the one in the bedroom with all manner of sexy scary toys in it) and i reminisced about how Sir used to use them occasionally and how scary they were.. how they embarassed me... all the feelings i had when they were used on me...i was remembering the nights Sir would push me and push me to see just how many orgasms i could have.. how wet i could get and how far i could squirt and it all embarassed me so badly.. i started wondering why is there no time any more for those toys?? Where has the fear gone?? Where has the embarrassment gone?? Where are the butterflies.... that use to march around my stomach in army boots before a session... gone??



i was beginning to think Sir was bored with me....... i was beginning to think that maybe He needed another sub.. a newbie.. to play with ...to work on.. to enjoy... that i had somehow got boring.. and every day.. and mundane.. and routine.........or that.. perish the thought.... that Sir loved me too much now!?



BUT is it Sir?? or is it me?? OR is it maybe..just maybe .. US. Maybe we know each other too well now........ maybe Sir's mind fucks don't work anymore because i know HIM .. know what He will or will not do. AND yes there are Sir's concerns about health.. my health.. and not wanting to push things too far.. old bones.. old body .. and who wants to risk some serious injury or health problem. AND i realize now.. that summer holidays does NOT mean BDSM 24 hours a day 7 days a week.. i realize now that our routine is the same summer winter spring and fall.. Friday to Monday. Sir has responsibilities that don't stop just because i am on summer break. And it doesn't bother me as much this summer.. it is part of our dynamics.. and it is ok.. i realized that this week.. how past summers left me moping cause Sir wasn't here beating me or playing with me.. or doing whatever with me...... and this summer i went ahead planning my Mondays to Fridays not once thinking He might/should/would be here with me... And so i am slowly coming to see we have both changed.. we have adjusted.. we are on a more level playing field - (notice please i said "playing field" .. we are not equals in standings.. won't ever be.. i am the subbie .. i kneel at His feet.. i serve Him)



And then there was something Sir said to me last weekend.. about my being an anal virgin........ (and yeah yeah i am.. go figure!!! it makes me really squirm and cry - real tears - and stress.. and worry about.. ewwwwwww .. i won't even go there!!) Anyway.. i was thinking.. Sir and i were both 'virgins' so to speak when we started off on this journey together.. He had this new "terrain" to explore.. limits to push.. new things to try on a new subbie..... and for me.. everything was new.. i did feel like a virgin again.. everything felt brand new and scary and exciting all rolled up into one big ball........ And the "cherry" has been popped .. for both of US......and i believe the challenge now begins.. to keep this relationship fresh and exciting and fun......Sir is still a sadist and i am still a masochist.. it just has a new feel to it.. we have reached for the moon and perhaps fallen amongst the stars but we at least reached for it.........we know each other well.. we know each other's limits.....it isn't a bad thing.... it is just life and relationships.............



And as i have been writing this i had this song start playing in my head...... (and trust me when i say i couldn't believe it was an Alice Cooper song!! i didn't even know i KNEW who Alice Cooper was!!!) but it goes like this......

Opposites attract

Thats the reason why

No one else could make you feel

Like I do, I do, I do

No one ever gets as deep inside you

As I do, baby

Our love is a bed of nails

Love hurts good on a bed of nails

Ill lay you down and when all else
Fails

Ill drive you like a hammer on a
Bed of nails

A journey back in time

Last evening Sir and i attended Le Festin du Gouveneur...... at the Old Fort. It was (in most ways) like taking a step back in time.

The thick fort walls wrapped around us as we negotiated our way to our table - a mess hall wooden table complete with wooden benches. As we ate... our history unfolded in front of us....... a history rich with characters - the Governers.. the Mayors.. the fur trappers.. the brides brought out to marry the men of the fort.

It was a lively evening of jokes - some politically motivated.. some language motivated.. some just in good fun (like the Judge's reaction to my Sir's bald head) ...

It was 2 1/2 hours of lively entertainment and laughter and fun.

After dinner we left the noisy tourists behind and wandered into the main fort. There was a group of animators dressed in period costume with a group of children (from some day camp or other). There were the old canvas military style tents set up at the far end of the parade ground.. the children were experiencing military life from the 1600's - they will be spending 2 days and a night at the fort..... living history!

Under another canopy some of the fort entourage were "jamming" on their guitars and flutes.. oblivious to our arrival....... the music was haunting...... celtic i believe.... and it rafted up towards the heavens.. serenading us from a time long ago.

i walked away from our group and stood looking over the walls to the sea of cars below.. to the amusement grounds off to the right..... to the bridge that rose over our heads.. i looked straight up into the trees that formed Mother Nature's own canopy and closed my eyes.. the music wafted through my consciousness ... i shut out the noise of the chatter.. i shut out the world of 2007 ...... and lost myself in a daydream.. of living in this time and place...

i have always had a strong pull to this life.. of stone walls.. and pots hanging over open fires.. of long heavy dresses .. and longer days. i have always (since i was very young) daydreamed of 'pioneer days'. i have never romanticized it...... it was a hard life...... but a quiet life.. and a life with clear objectives. A very simple life of survival.

And then i daydreamed of being bound to a tree... having my dress hoisted up and fastened.. of hearing the whip crack in the night air and feeling it cut across my ass.. feeling the wood of the tree strong and supportive.. caressing me........ of Sir whipping me till only the tree supported me...... and then....... being taken down and cradled in Sir's arms by some warm fire.. wrapped up in a heavy scratchy wool blanket. The world having melted away.

i had wonderful dreams last night when finally i was returned safe and sound to 2007 and my doorway....... dreams that feed my imagination and my need........

Just another day

For some reason ... when i came to write this blog entry.. the song "It's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood .. a beautiful day in the neighbourhood........ " kept playing over and over ........ and over again in my head...... Maybe cause it has been a beautiful day in my neighbourhood today.. the sun was shining.. the kids weren't screaming.. the birds were singing.. and i did a bit of this and a bit of that..


While i was doing all these bits and pieces.. i couldn't help but think about the contrasts in my life....... on Saturday i was sitting watching some sparklers light up a penis... and today i was cleaning.. doing laundry.. and creating rock formations and boulders....... just another day in paradise.....i could use more of the sparklers and a bit less of the Suzie Homemaker i think.........

For those of you who are following the continuing saga of the train layout... here are some pictures of the rock formations and the colouring process..........

step one......... pour plaster into molds.........



step two.. start adding earth tone paint to the surface.... not as easy it would seem....... i never seem to get the same colour twice... but hey.. Mother Nature doesn't always get it just right either!!!


step three..... add a black wash over the whole thing.. et voila..... a rock formation...
now i just need a few more.. and a few dozen boulders to match....... and a rainy day.. and the mountain/tunnel will start to take shape...

One thing i did today was start cleaning my office.. Now i knew this was gonna be a BIG job..... a longggggg job... a tiring frustrating 'i don't wanna do it' job...... so i started out going through boxes and boxes of cd's checking out what was on each one.. and doing a better cataloging job.... i came across some interesting BDSM pictures.. mostly of me.. and no i won't share..... but i did come across a couple that might inspire even me (who HATES biking with a passion) to get on a bike.........



And talking about bikes.. while i was writing this... the kid next door.. the screamer.. just came out with his new bike.. and guess what?? Daddy bought him a bell....... the most annoying clanging nerve twitching bell.........can i shoot him now?? so much for my quiet day..........


Like i said at the beginning......... just a day of this and that.........

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oh i have posted to the photojournal..... for those of you who like to stroll through my "art gallery".. click the link on the right

what can i say?

ughhh what can i say about this weekend?? busy .. frustrating .... aggravating.... and fun..

First of all my internet connection has plagued us with frequent malfunctions and long (and i do mean longgggggggg sessions on the phone with tech support) After being told it was my Ethernet cable.. my computer.. (my own stupidity??) we discovered that the modem was shot !!! So there is a new on order.. god only knows when it will arrive.. for the time being i am using my usb port and everything seems to be limping along..........

Saturday's party was fun! We got to reconnect with friends enjoy some good discussions.. lots of laughter.. and some fun play sessions.







Sunday Sir and i worked on the trains... and Sir built me a nice frame to start constructing the mountain/tunnel. It was really a good slap upside the head for me... i can DO this ...

So this morning...... after Sir left .. i got started..
i had checked on all sorts of internet sites on how to build a mountain/tunnel.. and they recommended chicken wire as a form........ can i say OUCH!!! who knew one should wear heavy duty gloves when working with pokey pricky wire??!! But finally i had the wire up and sort of fashioned the way i thought a mountain should look and so i went to work plastering......

Now i won't be changing my day job from teacher to plasterer but it was a start.......



sometime this week i hope to get back to the foundation work......... i also want to make some more rocks/boulders .... and master the colouring of them........ who knew mimicking Mother Nature could be so damn difficult??!!!

After working today ... Sir dropped by to nudge my internet access one more time.. and take me out to dinner.. (god you gotta love the man !! He always knows when i really truly need him to lean on!!)

Ohhhhhhh.. getting back to the train layout for one more minute........ Sir and i have been adding little features that have special meaning for us.. or add a touch of humour.... Tonight Sir brought me a small present........ a geisha......... i had seen one in a catalogue and wanted it soooooo badly ... now anyone who knows me.. or has read here long enough.. knows of my love of anything / everything oriental......... and i wanted the geisha to walk down Main Street.............

The geisha hopefully will remind me - when Sir isn't here - to breath and take it one step at a time... nothing can be so bad that it can't be fixed!!

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th....... superstitious old thing isn't it?? Friday the 13th is just another day right??

WRONG!!!

My computer wouldn't work...... well it worked but i couldn't connect to the net..... i called the wonderful .. brilliant.. tech team associated with my ISP and of course got to speak with a very nice gentleman in India (dontcha just love outsourcing) whose accent was so thick i couldn't decipher ethernet cable from good day madame!!! we talked in code .. yellow cable versus blue cable .. just so i could follow him and he could follow me... he said.. problem - yellow cable.. i will send you a new one...

Fine i will shop.. i will bank.. i landed up at City Hall trying to find out what happened to my cheque to cover my taxes.. i landed up shopping at a HUGE grocery store that sets my teeth on edge.. i landed up coming out of said grocery store having spent wayyyyyy more than i planned.. to rain.. not a soft gentle summer rain....... nope.. a pouring down drench to the skin kind of rain......

Home safe...... and ..........Then........
we had a thunder storm to remember.. lightening flashing.. thundering booming noisy wanna hide under the bed thunder storm...

Finally Sir arrived..... and brought the sunshine with Him.. but he arrived to no power.. no phones.. no nothing except a shivering subbie curled up in the corner swearing she wasn't coming out till after Friday the 13th..

i had clung to the thought that it was my pc that wasn't working.. i could use Sir's lap top.. maybe even He would leave the lap top and take the pc and get everything fixed for me.. work magic.........

Problem was/is.. it wasn't my pc.. it was the yellow cable.. called eldest daughter - who is a computer geek.. and works for the same ISP that i fought with all morning .. she lectured me.. "call me first mom!!' but brought a new yellow cable.. it didn't work either.. now everyone is convinced it is a) the line to the house (which for those of you who are interested was just worked on not a month ago.. and for which i have a "dedicated" line that ONLY the modem plugs into) or b) the modem...

Sir called the tech guys in India.. Sir was very patient.. a bit short with them from time to time.. and i had to sit at his feet and play with myself.... while he worked out the mess.. plug this end in ....unplug try reversing the cable ends.. no?? ok try this.. try that..
all the while the toy is vibrating and i am wiggling.. and finally despite my tension over thunder storms and soaking wet rain storms and modems/yellow cables that don't work.. i am soooooooo close to cumming.. i look at Sir with my very best pleading look...... i whisper so tech gentleman in India won't hear.. "may i cum please Sir"

He looks at me like i have lost my marbles.... he says .. "CUM???!!! you do NOT cum until I am happy and right now i am NOT happy".... i stop playing .. He gives me the eye and the hand signal to continue.. the vibrator continues to vibrate and tickle my soft spot inside.. i sit and wiggle and moan softly and keep my eyes glued to Sir's face.. hoping against hope.. maybe..???

Finally the blue cable is plugged in.. new software uploaded and running.. FINALLY i have internet access......... problem.. the wireless router does not work.. Sir does not have internet access .. is Sir happy?? no bloody way.......... is subbie allowed to cum?? no bloody way...............

BUT for now i do have internet access... with the blue cable.. new modem with new yellow cable coming........ it should work.................. unless of course it is the ethernet card IN the computer not the yellow cable.. then no one is happy again...........

Friday the 13th........ ughhhhhhhhhhhh

scrambled thoughts..

This is my brain today............ (ok maybe most days.. but definitely today!!) My head hurts from all the thinking i've been doing since yesterday.........

There are a couple of really good blog entries that speak to my state of mind today....... One is my Sir’s........ the other is Cloud’s....

It was a Sunday of high emotion........ whether i should be or not.. i am hurt... by people in general.. sometimes it seems as though Sir and i are the only ones who plan/organise parties/dinners etc... i wonder if it is worth the work........ i feel like it is a slap in the face when i find out "friends" who frequent our parties and partake of our hospitality.. don't return the favour.....

It hurts when i feel i am being lied to......... omission is a form of lying.. i get it now Sir !! i was told one thing by one person and a completely different story by another person... it feels like i have been lied to.. i could .. i know.. confront them.. confront the issues.. but a big part of me says "why bother?" they would probably only lie again...... or bend the truth.. or what ever petty excuse they would come up with..........

And if friends..... f r i e n d s .... are struggling.. why don't they share their problems?? instead of shrugging their shoulders (if one can shrug their shoulders in emails) ....... why can't we share the hard times?? at least then i wouldn't feel like we are being shut out.

Remember high school days where there was the in crowd??? Sometimes in this lifestyle that is what it feels like.. "nah nah nahhhhhhhhh i'm in the IN CROWD.. and you're not"!!!

Supposed "information web sites" that pick and chose which information to share with the community......... if it fits with their criteria of what makes up BDSM then it is posted.. if not.. "sucks to be you" (as my daughter says).......... BUT doesn't that type of attitude lead to an exclusive club.. rather than inclusive group??? AND they don't even have the backbone to answer email inquiries........ back to that nah nah nahhhhh attitude..

And in an email with my dear friend Buffalo........ i was talking about fet clothes and the need some find to dress up....... i explained to him that our way of living (Sir's and mine) has nothing to do with "dress up".. game playing.. we just live it.. whether i am running around in shorts and a tshirt or a corset.. does it make me any less sub??? i think Ratheretic said it best when he said the "new s/m" is "stand and model"...........

i guess it makes me sad that some of the people in this lifestyle........ are bores and social inept beings........ and that i used to call them "friends"... maybe i have learned a hard lesson.........

And then there is the whole vanilla side too.... my inability to 'fess up to Sir that i had no idea at all how to build a mountain with a tunnel going through it........ bluster along.. hard headed .. stubborn.. bitchy sub...... that is what i can be...... afraid to admit i haven't a clue...... Sir - patient Sir - has forgiven my blustering and we have moved on.... today He sent me web sites that explain better how to do this major act of God.. building a mountain.......... and He will help me with the wood and nails and form building that boggles my brain and makes my head hurt.........

And when it all gets sorted out............. i can count my friends on one hand.. true friends.. and really .. isn't that all that is important in life?? If the condo is filled with 50 strangers or 5 good friends which makes us richer???

That's a no brainer......... 5 good friends.

Summer weekend

Sir and i went out for dinner on Friday night.. back to that lil street i wrote about here.. It was a special evening...... our celebration of school finishing and summer holidays....... it was also to be an evening of picture taking and experimenting...... i found i was drawn to all the odd lil staircases in the back alleyways..... i was drawn to train trestles and spider webs (i don't DO spider webs well.. that is one area that is going to take some practice!!) We took hundreds of pictures between us..... nice thing about digital cameras .. snap to your hearts content and delete the ones that suck........ and trust me when i say more of mine sucked than didn't.

When i got home .. and downloaded the pictures.. i wasn't happy with the colour in the pictures.. especially of the staircases.. so i played with them a little bit.... here .. for those of you interested... are the final results........






















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Now on to something a little bit more........ BDSM - y

Saturday started with a "wham bang thank you ma'am " sex session in the kitchen .. with me bent over the kitchen counter with a mouthful of cantaloupe !!!! i may never taste cantaloupe in quite the same way again.... (cheeky grin)...

Sir and i were going to run out and do some messages.. mostly to the train store so i could get some advise on tunnels and molds and what the hell it is i am supposed to do NOW!! Sir was in a mood yesterday....... i haven't seen Him in such a wicked mood in a long long time... He decided that i was to wear a rope bra....... not just pretty rope work but tight.. bloody tight - can't breathe - rope work for the shopping trips.........

by lunch time i was getting very on edge... it took a little while for me to figure out that the bondage had ever nerve ending in my body tight and twitching..... in the middle of the first bite of sandwich i begged Sir to remove the ropes......... Thank goodness Sir decided it was ok to humour me by removing the ropes - in the middle of lunch.........otherwise this sweet lil subbie might have changed into a troll from under the dankest bridge........

The resulting marks pleased Sir.. and left me whining (a little bit ) about how much rope burns HURT !!!


Now you'd think that would be it for the day wouldn't you?? i certainly did... BUT our dear friend Cloud had finally finished a toy He had been making for Sir... it was actually Sir's idea (and kept secret from me) that Cloud use an old leather belt of Sir's and turn it into a spanker. Sir decided last evening it was time to give that sucker a good ole work out!!!



Now on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being OUCH MF!!! and one being wiggle wiggle how nice........... it fell all along the scale......... When Sir used it softly and gently.. aiming for the fleshy parts of the ass... and then stroked said ass immediately following.. it felt wonderful......... but Sir is a Sadist .. so there is seldom sensuous hits or hand strokes.. and last evening wasn't much different........ it wasn't long before i threw myself at Sir's feet and begged "NO MORE".. it was just a tad more than i could handle......

Though .. in all honesty...... after a short respite.. i was asking if Sir would use it again on me... and this time things went much better.. it was our old game of.. watch the TV show... during the commercials present ass for whooping.. watch TV show. present ass....

The discomfort factor comes from the little added touches Cloud put into the spanker..
in the middle Cloud put a small piece of wood - to add to the hit factor.......... on one side He added furniture tacks to add to the thump factor...... and the other side was left as plain leather...















i am still deciding whether to thank Cloud .. or ban Him.......

Manners/protocols

Some are curious what protocols are.. and why we have them. Maybe if i substituted "manners" for protocols it would be a whole lot clearer...... i am not sure. What i am sure is that over the years of playing at public clubs and playing here at the house with friends..... that people seem to have some skewered self centered ideas about how to behave during a play party.

For example......... Sir and i were at a club where people crowded around Sir and i chatting away .. oblivious to our "scene" going on... people actually tried to have discussions with Sir while He was warming me up...... others stood in the direct path of his whip........ and all the "excuse me's" did nothing to deter them from their quest to be unmannerly bores. In fact the worst of the worst came in a dungeon where a male followed Sir and i down to the equipment of choice and proceeded to masturbate in front of me! while Sir played with me....... i was shocked and totally turned off by the whole evening

Here at the house when we hold play parties i am always amazed at people's lack of plain old fashioned manners......... i have had a subbie who actually got angry because i wouldn't let her come in the house with her snow covered salty boots.... people monopolized the play equipment as a social area with no thought to others who might want to actually use it for playing....... subbies sat on the furniture naked without the benefit of even a towel...... oh the list is endless.........

One friday afternoon.. during our weekly coffee klatch with Cloud.... we discussed the need for "House Rules" for our parties. It seemed ridiculous but if i was to save my sanity..... and get to enjoy our parties.. we needed to lay down some ground rules.

Simple rules really ......... like:
* submissives are to help with the serving and cleaning up
* Doms are to be respectful to uncollared submissives
* the large play equipment is to be cleaned following use
* the private toys hanging on the walls are NOT to be used
* submissives are to take care of their dominants and their toy bags and any other paraphernalia that they bring into the house
* no drugs

simple rules that we call protocols.. i really find it a wee bit disturbing that we must set the rules to paper and send them out with any invitations....... but it seems that life / society has changed to the point .... that manners or protocols have gone the way of the dinosaur.

More's the pity.

Masturbation

And now for something a little bit different (said in my best Monty Python voice)

It had been at least two weeks i guess since Sir played with me sexually........ i wouldn't say he had me on orgasm restrictions (mainly because he didn't identify it as such) but more that sexual play just hadn't been on the agenda.... (see me pout??)

i was busy cleaning again yesterday.... when i say clean i mean strip a room bare and wash it from top to bottom.. and i have 7 rooms in this house ....... it could take me all summer !!! ok ok maybe they won't all get done quite so well..........

but i digress...

Anyway i am cleaning and feeling bitchy and sorry for myself.. and around mid afternoon i think how nice it would be to have an orgasm.. maybe 2.. but definitely one.

Now BS (before Sir) i would have just dropped the bucket and cloth and marched upstairs to my very own 'toy box'...... selected the toy of choice for the day and had myself a very nice little 'siesta' ........ However since Sir came into my life.. there are no orgasms without expressed permission. And i find it a tad humiliating to ask........ i much prefer no one knowing i masturbate or have sex.. (hey.. my daughters were all found in the cabbage patch!!)

Anywayyyyyyyy.. getting back to being serious here....... (yes yes i CAN be serious!) i sent Sir an email (as He was going to be out for the evening and i had nothing else to do!) .. requesting permission to masturbate. Now please understand what it was i was actually asking for........ permission to find a nice toy.. (translate .. vibrator) .. stretch out on the bed lazily.. insert said toy and enjoy.. one orgasm.. ONE...

Well Sir does nothing half way...... nothing !! When he answered my email.. he said yes i could masturbate (yipeee!!) from 6:30 till 9:00 .. with an orgasm every half hour!!! Now that is 6 orgasms.. not that many actually when you think about it for someone who is multi-orgasmic........ BUT... on a time table?? and by myself?? excuse me??!!! what happened to the nice lazy siesta type masturbation session i had pictured??

Well the first hour went by smashingly.. no problems at all...... but there is something about masturbating alone.. without any stimuli.. (wink wink... nudge nudge) that leaves me less than satisfied...... #3 orgasm was gonna be difficult to achieve...... so i picked up the toy of choice and moved to the computer....... hey if others can read porn / look at porn while they masturbate so can i !!! (and besides no one would see me reading porn or my blushes)

So i found a site with some nice excerpts from erotic writings (translate porn) and got immersed in them......... #3 was spectacular... a huge success.. a squirting moaning grinding success... i kept reading...... #4 and #5 were ok..... but decreasing in intensity.... and by #6 i was downright disinterested...... #6 was hardly a blip on the orgasm meter.........

Now while i was soaking in a hot tub after my play time........ i was thinking about something i read somewhere on the net.. at some time or other.. that claimed the more sex one has.. the more one enjoys it .. needs it.. and the better the orgasms get........ now i have to agree with that.. i always believed that once a day was necessary for my mental health... and twice a day (morning and night being my preferred times) handled my mental health and my physical well being....... i wonder what the studies would show for no orgasms for weeks and then bang 6 in one night??!!!

Oh and one last thought about masturbation...... when i was looking for a very tasteful picture to illustrate today's blog...... i skimmed picture upon picture of erect penises...... or males doing females.. huh???
and then on top of the porn type pictures.. i also came across more than one blatant message that masturbation is BAD... bad.. bad !!! remember yesterday's post about my turning into the "crazy old cat lady".. well i have more proof of that eventuality.. especially IF i keep masturbating............. (a different spin on the old joke.. can i do it until i need glasses??)



now i ask you........ is that sort of thing necessary??? oh wellllllllll maybe i will just have to adopt more kittens and keep them safe........

Motherhood

It is a given that motherhood is probably the hardest job any one will ever do.... those sweet little bundles don't come with instructions manuals (and most don't read manuals anyway!) It is - in my humble opinion - very much a "hit and miss" thing... being a good mother i mean..........

When i had my first daughter.. i followed the philosophy "it takes a village to raise a child" and both sides of the family made (strong) suggestions on what i was doing wrong.. how to do it better.. basically how to raise her. It was the most stressful time of my life (ok ok .. one of the most stressful times) When i was pregnant with the second one.. i was sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table surrounding by family when i announced that the first one had been an experiment - everyone raising her...... but that this one (patting my tummy) was MINE.. and i would raise her as i saw fit. Needless to say both my girls were raised very very differently.

As they matured and moved on to womanhood... i had to adjust my thinking.... i had raised them.. they were now setting off on their own. i held my breath and watched as they took faltering steps into the big wide world. It hasn't been easy..... hell sometimes it has been damn hard to watch and bite my tongue.... but i have done it. i have tried so damn hard to follow a hands off rule with both of them.. sometimes thinking that i would land up being old and alone and known as "the crazy old cat lady"... BUT i had to give them their wings and let them fly..

When youngest daughter announced she had had a "little accident"... and after i got over thinking she had cracked up her car.. i had a minor fit. She was 19 years old... my "party girl".. and one pretty damn sick girl. She had spent nearly 8 months at the Neuro undergoing every test known to man for seizures. So i was less than thrilled with this "little accident".... (and yeah yeah i know i am excusing my reaction with the mention of the seizures) She had the baby (and the seizures mysteriously vanished)...... and i was at her side through it all.... that was 6 years ago now.. and another baby later.
i have tried very very hard to be the granny who doesn't interfere.. i do NOT want to be a carbon copy of either of my "mothers"! And so i have pretty much let sleeping dogs lie.

And now....... today for some stupid reason... my heart feels like it is breaking.. and it is SUCH a stupid reason...... youngest daughter told me on the weekend she and boyfriend (father of my grandsons) are shopping for a new home..... and they think they have found one. i literally bounced up and down on my chair.. exclaiming how excited i was for them.. how proud i was of them....... and i blurted out .. "can i come and see the house??" .. dead silence.... then some stammerings from her end...... and i stepped up to the plate one more time.. and said.. "ok i understand if you are too busy to take me over"....... and it came out that the 'inlaws' will be going and she doesn't want to overload the home owner with family.

i blundered along like normal.. pretending every thing was just okey dokey...... but it wasn't.. my heart hurt. It hurts to know that they don't want my help or advise.. i am guessing all those years of biting my tongue paid off.. they don't expect or need my 2 cents worth. In my blabbering on .. i told youngest daughter that i wanted to celebrate summer with a family barbque next weekend. She said sure .. and we said goodbye

When i hung up the phone i dissolved in tears in Sir's arms.. i was / am so hurt. i blurted out that i was going to cancel the family dinner.. i just didn't want to see her. Sir concurred. Sir wanted to phone her and tear a strip off her and tell her how hurt i was. i begged him not to. IF she wanted me it had to come from her.. not from some guilt trip. (and trust me.. Sir is pretty damn good at laying on a "jewish" guilt trip)

Today...... i am cleaning the house and crying. i so wanted to have a happy family summer celebration barbque..... play with my grandsons... see my two daughters together with their significant others... just enjoy the moment. And now i have ruined it........ Sir will hold me to my word. And i wonder even IF i did convince Sir to allow me to hold the dinner..... would it be the happy occasion i originally pictured?? Norman Rockwell picture perfect.

Were my parents and inlaw parents correct in being in my face all the time.. driving me nuts.. making me feel guilty if i didn't visit?? At least to the bitter end i was always there for my parents.. always asking for their advise ... making them feel they had a place in my life. And i guess that is it.. they needed to feel they had a place.......

Now i am feeling as though i am going to grow old and be known as the "crazy cat lady"............