Thursday, July 19, 2007

Not a Virgin anymore!

i have been so bored with my vanilla writings lately..... but nothing much else was going on...... and .. and.. well i just didn't have any inspiration......... That is until yesterday. kaya was writing about how her Master had lost some of His .. sadistic nature?? or she was wondering if He had........ and then she wrote another one where she had kinda worked it all through....... if you want to read the originals rather than relying on my interpretation of it all click here.....



Anyway.. it all got me to thinking........ when Sir and i were first together.. i begged Him not to love me too much....... BS (before Sir) i had had 2 Dominants who when they declared their love for me.. the pain virtually ended. It turned out they couldn't love me AND hurt me at the same time. So i didn't want Sir to love me too much. (weird logic right??)



Now we have been together almost 6 years!! and yes there is a certain je ne sais quois about our play.... it has a different "feel".... it doesn't feel as edgy ... it doesn't feel as 'scary'... it feels as though i have more control over what happens and what doesn't happen....... if i say "ouch that hurts" Sir takes a look at what hurts.. example last weekend there was a needle that was giving me a lot of pain.. i complained and Sir took it out...... Sir took it OUT!!! i was happy at the time.. but later i worried that if i had said they all hurt Sir would have taken them all out............ but aren't needles stuck in your ass supposed to hurt?? isn't that what a masochist lives for .. the pain??? Isn't that what a sadist lives for.. to create the pain????



And there are the many positions that create pain - well mental pain if not physical pain - there are bits of equipment that scare me.. and Sir never uses them anymore.. and i have started to ask (in my mind) why???? i am realizing that part of the "foreplay" for me was the little twinge of fear... the what ifs that kept me off balance....... and i liked feeling off balance - even if i did bitch and complain about it.....



When i cleaned the bedroom .. and moved the big heavy wooden bed across the room to clean.. i looked at the back of the headboard - not something i do frequently when it is up against the wall.. there were the 0 rings that Sir had lovingly placed there many years ago......... for the times He did good old fashioned bed bondage on me.. When i was cleaning out/cataloging all the old pictures i came across more than a few pictures of me strung up - indecently exposed - by ropes strung through those very same 0 hooks.. and i had to wonder how come Sir doesn't do that anymore??



i opened up the toy box (the one in the bedroom with all manner of sexy scary toys in it) and i reminisced about how Sir used to use them occasionally and how scary they were.. how they embarassed me... all the feelings i had when they were used on me...i was remembering the nights Sir would push me and push me to see just how many orgasms i could have.. how wet i could get and how far i could squirt and it all embarassed me so badly.. i started wondering why is there no time any more for those toys?? Where has the fear gone?? Where has the embarrassment gone?? Where are the butterflies.... that use to march around my stomach in army boots before a session... gone??



i was beginning to think Sir was bored with me....... i was beginning to think that maybe He needed another sub.. a newbie.. to play with ...to work on.. to enjoy... that i had somehow got boring.. and every day.. and mundane.. and routine.........or that.. perish the thought.... that Sir loved me too much now!?



BUT is it Sir?? or is it me?? OR is it maybe..just maybe .. US. Maybe we know each other too well now........ maybe Sir's mind fucks don't work anymore because i know HIM .. know what He will or will not do. AND yes there are Sir's concerns about health.. my health.. and not wanting to push things too far.. old bones.. old body .. and who wants to risk some serious injury or health problem. AND i realize now.. that summer holidays does NOT mean BDSM 24 hours a day 7 days a week.. i realize now that our routine is the same summer winter spring and fall.. Friday to Monday. Sir has responsibilities that don't stop just because i am on summer break. And it doesn't bother me as much this summer.. it is part of our dynamics.. and it is ok.. i realized that this week.. how past summers left me moping cause Sir wasn't here beating me or playing with me.. or doing whatever with me...... and this summer i went ahead planning my Mondays to Fridays not once thinking He might/should/would be here with me... And so i am slowly coming to see we have both changed.. we have adjusted.. we are on a more level playing field - (notice please i said "playing field" .. we are not equals in standings.. won't ever be.. i am the subbie .. i kneel at His feet.. i serve Him)



And then there was something Sir said to me last weekend.. about my being an anal virgin........ (and yeah yeah i am.. go figure!!! it makes me really squirm and cry - real tears - and stress.. and worry about.. ewwwwwww .. i won't even go there!!) Anyway.. i was thinking.. Sir and i were both 'virgins' so to speak when we started off on this journey together.. He had this new "terrain" to explore.. limits to push.. new things to try on a new subbie..... and for me.. everything was new.. i did feel like a virgin again.. everything felt brand new and scary and exciting all rolled up into one big ball........ And the "cherry" has been popped .. for both of US......and i believe the challenge now begins.. to keep this relationship fresh and exciting and fun......Sir is still a sadist and i am still a masochist.. it just has a new feel to it.. we have reached for the moon and perhaps fallen amongst the stars but we at least reached for it.........we know each other well.. we know each other's limits.....it isn't a bad thing.... it is just life and relationships.............



And as i have been writing this i had this song start playing in my head...... (and trust me when i say i couldn't believe it was an Alice Cooper song!! i didn't even know i KNEW who Alice Cooper was!!!) but it goes like this......



Opposites attract

Thats the reason why

No one else could make you feel

Like I do, I do, I do

No one ever gets as deep inside you

As I do, baby

Our love is a bed of nails

Love hurts good on a bed of nails

Ill lay you down and when all else
Fails

Ill drive you like a hammer on a
Bed of nails


4 comments:

swan said...

This is the realization that is slowly seeping into my own understanding I think. We simply have traveled a distance together. We are not "new" with each other anymore. New is new, and by definition, terribly exciting (and, yes, sometimes scary). We've aged a good bit as we've traveled, and like it or not, that DOES have to be accounted for. I can't do what I could back then -- neither can He. We both have to accommodate.

I only know that when He pulls me in and wraps me up tight, I have no doubt that He counts me as His. That hasn't changed. That is stronger than ever. That will be enough to see us through all the rest of it.

swan

Buffalo said...

Much food for thought.

Carrie Ann said...

Wow! Super blog! I truly enjoyed reading it. In fact I read it with a smile from start to finish. Thank you for sharing those wonderful thoughts. :)

M:e said...

A very simple YESSSSS!!!!!!!

love and hugs xxx