From time to time I get skittish or jumpy. My skin feels electrified. I feel unfocused and uneasy.
Skittish and Jumpy.
I want to be reassured that everything is fine. I want to be focused /grounded. I won't ask for it though. I feel guilty asking for any kind of reassurance. I fear I will be repeating myself. I fear I will be a pest -- a bother -- appear to be too needy. Some days I feel like an intruder and interloper.
But ohhhh sometimes I just need to be reassured.
And then -- as though Hands reads my mind I get 'that' message. I have 'that' chat that calms me down -- that reassures me nothing has changed.
The one thing I thought I would struggle with in a poly relationship would be jealousy. And yet I am not jealous -- not in the least. I am content with the schedule we have (if you can call it a schedule). What I do struggle with is physical contact. (and no I don't mean sex/play/private time) I want to just see them (Hands and CG) more than I see them. You know pop in for coffee with CG from time to time. Invite them to pop in for a quick visit /coffee when they are out and about. BUT distance doesn't allow for drop-in visits.
(and to be truthful winter is coming and I am so scared that visits will become less and less due to the weather -- and that makes me very sad and more skittish than normal)
There is a solution. One I am seriously toying with.
I am looking casually right now. Come the spring and summer I will hopefully find the perfect new place... and then I will make the decision to move westward -- and be closer not only to Hands and CG but other friends I have made since moving here to Kingston.
And hopefully I won't feel quite so isolated or quite so skittish.