Saturday, November 05, 2016

skittish

From time to time I get skittish or jumpy.  My skin feels electrified.  I feel unfocused and uneasy.  

Skittish and Jumpy.

I want to be reassured that everything is fine.  I want to be focused /grounded.  I won't ask for it though.  I feel guilty asking for any kind of reassurance.  I fear I will be repeating myself.  I fear I will be a pest -- a bother -- appear to be too needy.  Some days I feel like an intruder and interloper.

But ohhhh sometimes I just need to be reassured.

And then -- as though Hands reads my mind I get 'that' message.  I have 'that' chat that calms me down -- that reassures me nothing has changed.  

The one thing I thought I would struggle with in a poly relationship would be jealousy.  And yet I am not jealous -- not in the least.  I am content with the schedule we have (if you can call it a schedule).  What I do struggle with is physical contact. (and no I don't mean sex/play/private time) I want to just see them (Hands and CG) more than I see them.  You know pop in for coffee with CG from time to time.  Invite them to pop in for a quick visit /coffee when they are out and about.  BUT distance doesn't allow for drop-in visits. 

(and to be truthful winter is coming and I am so scared that visits will become less and less due to the weather -- and that makes me very sad and more skittish than normal)

There is a solution.  One I am seriously toying with.

Moving.

I am looking casually right now.  Come the spring and summer I will hopefully find the perfect new place... and then I will make the decision to move westward -- and be closer not only to Hands and CG but other friends I have made since moving here to Kingston.

And hopefully I won't feel quite so isolated or quite so skittish. 
 

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