Thursday, July 01, 2010

House of cards

The other day I read a blog entitled Risk written by CarrieAnn - it touched something deep inside of me...made me nod and say "yes" .... and I decided then I should do my own version on the theme.

That being decided it usually is just a short hop skip and a jump to a blog entry. It appears this is not nearly as easy.

I know that my thoughts/views can (and probably will) upset a whole mess of folks out there who firmly and honestly believe in TPE and D/s and all the rest of it. Remember I too once believed... I too once tooted the horn and rang the bells of a total 24/7 D/s TPE whatever the hell you want to call it - relationship. I loudly and firmly announced that "we did not play at this thing called BDSM".

And then one day - I didn't.

And that had to be confusing to a whole lot of people. Hell it was confusing to me.

I have been analyzing what happened - really happened - from my perspective (cause ya know that is the only perspective that I have) since I read CarrieAnn's piece.

The one phrase that kept popping up in my head was a quote from Lord Action circe 1880's "Power corrupts - absolute power corrupts absolutely".

It is never easy for the Dominant to have absolute power over another human being. The weight of that responsibility can be daunting. Beat me hurt me guide me love me care for me .. keep all those plates spinning in the air and don't let one fall. 24 hours a day. every day. 365 days a year.

When I open myself up to the total vulnerability of turning over...... the wrong kind of hurt can slowly but surely shut me down. Make me pull into myself...... make me doubt myself - make me doubt my dominant.. make me doubt the world.

And it doesn't have to be just one hurt....... as CarrieAnn put it so well ...... it isn't the one hurt.. or the hundred and one hurt.. maybe even not the thousand and one hurt... but it is an accumulation of hurts finally being the one puff of air that knocks the delicate house of cards down. And all that was left was two people blinking at the scattered cards lying helter skelter and wondering what the hell happened.

I think that is perhaps why now.......for me......life is very different. I am so not ready to go back there.....not yet. Feed my masochism yes..... ask for more than that... ask me to lay my vulnerabilities out there at your feet.. ask me to trust you... ask me to close my eyes and believe ..... and I will disappear in a puff of smoke. I am not ready for the "more" ...... not yet... and maybe not ever.

2 comments:

Sir said...

Confusing oh yes, still is in my mind butt a tad clearer now.

It is a shame we couldn't have worked on those hurts before the " shit hit the fan day " as I have come to call it, we might, just might have been able to change the way we were and yet still remain us.

I am happy you have found your new way and I hope you remain true to what you wish IT to be.

anna said...

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately and it is related to some of the things you've posted here.

Thank you for continuing to make me think differently about some long-standing, firmly-held beliefs.