A little story.........
On Dec 27th the lil one's great grandmother died - she was 101 years old. Sad yes - but she lived a good life.
Ok so they had her cremated and had a memorial mass last week - remember that drama? the grandmother was all pissy cause she couldn't go to the mass (despite it NOT being the funeral - that will be this summer) and blamed us. The day after the funeral she posted that her mother's ashes were in a russian doll......... similar to this one....
you know the dolls - you open them and there are progressively smaller dolls inside. I felt a little squeamish - but okkkkk you want to put your mother's ashes in a wooden doll that's your decision. The doll/ashes were with the grandmother's brother.
This past Saturday would have been the great grandmother's 102 birthday. The grandmother posted a pic of the russian doll sitting in her apartment and said that "Big Nanny (as they called her ) had come for a visit." I was a little gob smacked ........ are her ashes going to wander around from family member to family member???
BUT there's more.........
the grandmother posted pics of them all eating chicken dinner - big Nanny's favourite meal - on Saturday. They even made a plate for Big Nanny and put it by her ashes.
(I am still squirming over that )
Then - there was a video of a birthday cake - with a lit candle - being carried over to the ashes - the family singing "happy birthday". THEN the lil one was called on to blow out the candles for Big Nanny.
Honestly if I had been there for this 'birthday party' I would have had nightmares!!
So tell me folks - is it just or me or does this seem a bit weird to you too?
Oh goodness, no, it's not just you Morningstar, especially birthday cake. We all deal with loss in different ways ... but ...
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
thank goodness it's not just me - the lil one is coming home today (FINALLY!) and I plan to gently question her about how she processed this birthday party
DeleteI am with you Morningstar....that is going too far. It's creepy. I am all for remembering, telling stories, maybe light a candle....but a plate of food????? WEIRD!!!
ReplyDeletehugs
boo
nodding I just found the whole thing a bit creepy ya know?? I mean I miss my parents like crazy - think about them often - but serve them food?? celebrate their birthdays?? that's just beyond me
Deleteer, i think it's ok to "talk" to the deceased person, like speaking to their spirit or whatever, but the russian doll ash container, and putting it at the table for dinner and having a cake? That's all just way too creepy for me.
ReplyDeleteohhhhhhhhh thank goodness you saw the weirdness to the doll .....
DeleteOkay...but remember you asked lol
ReplyDeleteI see no harm in their way of dealing with grief. It most certainly is not my way of dealing with it. I have never even been to my father's graveside. To some that would be unfathomable! I don't need the remains of my father to have me close to him...however...
At the start of the pandemic we lost our dog. We had her cremated. It was stupidly expensive! That first summer I would put her urn out in the garden where she liked to lay, and bring it back in. The other day when I saw her urn on my dresser, behind a bunch of things, I questioned my sanity in spending so much money on this.
I think the timing,the pandemic I needed to grieve differently than perhaps I would have in the past. Almost 2 years later I now think I was crazy- and that was 'just' over a pet.
While the little one's family celebration with the urn wouldn't be something I would do, I do understand how difficult that day must have been for all of them so close to her passing. At her age it was not a tragic loss, but a still a big loss for them and if they managed some joy in their heartache, so be it.
I think it is unkind for people to be judged on how they grieve. I mean hell, years ago they used to wake with the dead body right there in the house! Not cremated. Lol. Our family members from years ago would probably find this a step up 😉
willie
oh willie you're not the first one to scold me for being so hard on them.... which was part of the reason I wrote this.... I get everyone grieves in their own way.... and I know in my life I have had my share of grieving and I tend to be very private ..... shrug...
DeleteThanks for your opinion
Here in the south I've see some strange things regarding funerals - taking pictures of someone in their coffin and birthday parties at a the cemetery. Fine if the family wants to, but it still creeps me out.
ReplyDeleteI think you have every right to think it's weird. I mean it's not like you're telling them they're acting strange, you're just thinking with it. And I think you're right.
I've seen all sorts of behaviours at funerals - but never a birthday party....... anyway the lil one is home again and I may post an update tomorrow...... it was interesting her take on everything.
DeleteIt's a little odd, but truthfully, I don't find it totally weird. But then I'm Irish - and we tend to incorporate death into life as it were. I waked my mother back in 2019 by renting the upper floor of an Irish pub and had a HUGE party - with her ashes front and centre - people would stop and tip their drinks against her urn and reminisce .... and yes,at one point,someone had put a small plate of dessert next to her - we had a table with pictures, flowers and her urn. She had had a Catholic mass beforehand - we had more than 125 people drop by and celebrate her life. the russian doll is a bit weird in the sense I don't think they're like totally secure so would be a bit concerned about bits falling out but each to their own! No harm asking the little one how she is processing it though.
ReplyDeletebelieve me selkie - if it weren't for the lil one I probably would have rolled my eyes at the birthday party and moved on......
Deletethe lil one is home and we had a long talk about her 3 weeks at her mother's... from covid to the birthday party. I may post an update tomorrow once I've processed it all myself.
Okay, what an interesting topic to delve into. I kind of go back on forth on how weird it is that they threw her a birthday party and all. I have heard of people getting together and celebrating a loved one's birthday before by going out to their favorite restaurant or whatever, maybe decorating the gravesite. I would hedge to guess (knowing what you've previously shared about lil one's family) that they deal with things way differently than most of us. I worry that because they asked the lil one to blow out the candle and she may not really have understood the whole death issue anyway that it may adversely effect her desire to blow out another candle when she has her birthday. I'd worry she would think she was going to die. Little kids minds can come up with alot of distorted thoughts regarding things. So I do hope you gently find out how she's feelings. Just be careful not to push too hard. She probably already knows how weird her mom's family is and may feel embarrassed by them or confused. I know you've got this though, you handle lil one very well and make sure she feels secure and loved. Hopefully, this latest incident didn't leave any damaging results for her young heart and mind. Hugs, I'm so thankful NOT to be in your situation. You handle it well, better than you realize.
ReplyDelete--Baker
the lil one is home Baker!! and we talked for almost an hour this morning..... secretly my heart is breaking for her.. BUT outwardly I'm all matter of fact yet supportive. I think I will probably do an 'up date' tomorrow. so yeah stay tuned (cheeky grin)
DeleteDelete
It does sound a bit weird. But I don't know the traditions of that family. I do not want to pass judgement, either way, without knowing more about the family. My sister-in-law's family all went to her mother's funeral, in January, wearing Christmas jumpers, reindeer antlers and other Yuletide paraphernalia. But that is another story.
ReplyDeletePrefectdt
to be honest Prefectdt - after knowing this family intimately for over 5 years I don't know if they have traditions ...... le sigh.
Delete