Saturday, September 30, 2017

From the Heart

I learned a new word today -- "Atelphobia".  

It's not really Sir Steve's fault -- he reassures me all the time -- till I am sure he is fed up reassuring me.

BUT ya see..... he also tells me about his wife -- the one I knew 10 years ago -- and how amazing she was in bed.  I don't think it's meant as a comparison -- but I do the comparing for myself.  I am good at that.

AND it doesn't help that I envied her ....... envied her looks..her age.... her sexiness.. her confidence ..... her body.

The way Sir Steve tells it -- they fucked like rabbits..... day night -- in the car -- in the bed -- everywhere.  

I have always been sexually submissive -- I have tried to take initiative -- I have tried being on top -- I have tried to do all the things this exwife used to do (and most likely a whole mess of other women ) -- and I felt like I was playing a game... pretending... putting on an act.  I do NOT know how to be bold and sexy and daring ...... and I don't know how to learn it.

And so I feel 'not good enough'.

I make up for it in the only way I know how -- I cook and clean and do the laundry -- and do the paper work for his business - and pick the lil one up at the bus -- I do what I do well...... and try and pretend that the sex isn't important... that sex after dark just before sleep is ok ...... 

BUT then the lil voices in my head start......'if you were thinner.......if you were younger... if you were better at it........ ' and on and on and on........ 

Even fairy tales have monsters and dragons and beasts .......... 

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous8:38 am

    I'm not sure I understand why he would mention his wife to you. Please please tell him how this makes you feel. I would guess he thinks of it as a funny memory, but for you, it is bringing up some difficult feelings. Share them. It's really the only way to move forward with honesty and openness. And isn't that what this kind of relationship really is about?


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