Sunday Sentiments

Tired

I need that kind of vacation -- well minus the beer.  

I need a break - I really do.  I am exhausted .. I need a vacation from running around -- from people and constant talking -- from work and worrying -- from not having enough "us" time with Sir Steve -- from trying to make everything fit together 

I really need a break........ and soon 

Anniversary

It's a celebration!! 

Today is the 12th Anniversary of "The Continued Journey (previously known as The Journey).  12 years!!  Honestly I can't believe it.

I have written 3,477 blogs in total -- that's an average of 290 blogs a year -- and god only knows how many words!!  I have 199 followers and over the 12 years 751,936 pages have been viewed.  I have many MANY labels -- but I have the most frequently used ones -- the most viewed ones - listed (alphabetically) on the right side of today's blog.


And as much as I don't often respond to comments -- I love getting them -- the supportive ones, the scolding ones, the loving ones.  They help keep me honest -- and give me perspective on whatever is going on in my life.

I have taken the blog down twice -- after each break up with W.  And it has been down while I was in hospital a few years back -- and for a short while when I was going through the cancer stuff.  BUT I never stayed away for too long.  This blog is MY history.  My thoughts, my feelings, my opinions - always written from the heart and always truthful (in that moment) 

 I have made some good friends on The Continued Journey - people who come every day to visit.  I have actually met some of them in real life! 

My life has been enriched by the Continued Journey in many ways.... and I hope to continue writing for many more years......

Thank you my dear readers for coming here and reading my words... for sharing a moment with me through the good times and the bad.  

New Challenge

When I was younger - when the girls were small - we used to camp every summer.. and I loved it!  We started in a tent and graduated to an old style tent trailer (and I thought I was in heaven!) Now we will be in an RV with air conditioning, heat, kitchen with stove and oven and a real fridge!  This is NOT camping -- this is cottage life!! 

When Sir Steve took me to the campsite for the first time -- he gave me a tour.  I paid close attention to how other campers decorated their sites - claimed them as their own.  I noticed a lot of the sites had signs with their site number on and various cute sayings.  Ideas started to formulate in my head.  I  asked if we could have a sign .... Sir Steve said yes .... and then I said with a wicked grin -- can it say "Fairy Tales Happen Here"??? and he burst out laughing.  Yes I could make a sign that declares our love -- in our private code.  

My brain didn't stop there -- ideas kept bubbling up.  When I was there on Tuesday I stood looking at 3 evergreen trees in a group at the edge of our site.  I envisioned a "fairy garden" ...... AND I had the very beginnings of a fairy garden sitting in my cupboard -- a gift from my eldest daughter. When I got home - I pulled it out and it all came together in my head.  I am getting so very excited!!

When I am done -- I am hoping there will be no doubt in anyone's mind that the new girl has arrived!  (cheeky grin)

I have been stewing over how to make a camp sign.  So yesterday I went to our local craft store and picked up some supplies......... I am hoping my crafty side will make something special out of this mess of wood and paint and sealer -- something that will meet with Sir Steve's approval -- and add a touch of love to our campsite!

 

Verbal Again

It didn't take hardly any time at all for my spirits to lift.  It is amazing the strength that comes from being loved.  His quiet calmness -- his belief that everything will work out is contagious.  His love lifts my spirits and helps me work through the fog ... and that is a very good thing!

Yesterday despite the gloomy skies and 3 nights of almost no sleep -- I packed a picnic lunch and drove to the campsite to surprise Sir Steve.  He was there waiting for his new RV to arrive. 

We sat on the edge of the deck eating sandwiches and talking about the summer -- while the new RV loomed over us.  We spent a couple of hours together and then both headed in opposite directions down the highway ......... It was a good picnic -- one of many to come (except future picnics will involve sunshine and warmth) 

  

Non Verbal

I'm pretty non-verbal right now -- so this will be short and sweet........

Things happen you know -- and I get broadsided -- don't see it coming -- when that happens I am kinda knocked on my ass -- left limp and non-verbal for awhile (there's never any 'expiration date' on it -- it just seems to pass ) 

Through no one's fault !  I had a social anxiety attack this weekend -- a pretty bad one -- and I couldn't move out of the chair I was in... on some stranger's porch -- I couldn't go find Sir Steve and grab his hand ... I just got smaller and smaller in the chair -- wishing these strangers would stop talking to me -- stop making jokes with me (cause I wasn't getting them and the old feelings of 'everyone having the rules to the game' hit hard and I tend to get paralyzed) and I wished I could get warm -- the longer we sat on that porch into the late evening the colder I got..... shivering.... teeth chattering cold.  

And I was frozen in place - literally and figuratively.

And I didn't sleep much Saturday night -- and the same last night.  Night terrors stalk my dream land..... and I wake feeling scared like a 4 year old who wakes from a bad dream and calls for "Daddy"...... but I have no one to call for... I am left in the dark with my heart pounding and the stabbing pain in my skull and the fear that eats me from the inside out.

Today will be a 'try and pull it together' day I think -- though I will still drag my ass into school and see my lil guy in the wheel chair -- but then I will come home to my lil apartment where I feel safe ......... 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day...............

 

Sunday Sentiments

illogical

Sir Steve and I talk every day -- morning and evening..... like clock work.  Last Tuesday I was feeling out of sorts (like most Mondays after we've been together) and I said something about coming to hate messenger and not being able to see him -- see his reactions.  The next thing I knew Sir Steve was requesting a video chat.  Smart man!  It worked wonders on my sinking heart..... and after an hour chatting... as I was saying goodnight.... I promised him he didn't have to do it every night.  It had worked it's magic and I was fine again.

I do love our evening chats -- we tease and laugh -- sometimes we have serious discussions -- sometimes we're quiet and watch our individual TV shows... but I know he's just there ready to answer me when I talk -- reach out to him.

The one thing I struggle with though -- is from time to time he will just go "POOF" disappear off messenger....... gone -- the lil green dot beside his name gone.  It's stupid I know -- but when that lil green dot disappears I suddenly feel a knot in the pit of my stomach.... like someone has popped the bubble I am living in and he is gone for good.

It's illogical I know -- and probably a bit obsessive -- I keep praying that the day will come when this fear I have  (that I am living a dream and that one day I am gonna wake up and it will all be over) will just be gone.

Until that day -- my stomach will knot when he goes "poof" .... and my heart will soar when he reappears. 

 

Masochist

Yup I did -- go bathing suit shopping.  

But first I picked out some shorts.  Originally I had thought of getting some denim overall shorts -- BUT this whole 'fat' thing made me change my mind.  I asked Sir Steve the other night what he thought about them -- overalls -- and he said "cute".  (rolling my eyes) on a good day I would probably have been ok with 'cute'..... but when I was shopping I just couldn't do the 'cute' thing -- so I bought a pair of denim shorts and a pair of khaki shorts.   Then I found a dressing gown -- something I really do need -- especially since the visit to the parents and because of the lil one. And while I was looking at pjs etc.... I found a really cute sundress that is very short so I will have to wear leggings with it -- but I still think it is suitable for the campground.

All this shopping kept bringing me back to the swimsuit section.  I would cast a glance and just kept on moving.  Eventually I had run out of stuff to try on and buy.  I had to actually stop in the swimsuit section.

The colours were disgusting - neon blue - neon pink - neon green -- neon stripes.  REALLY??? There were plain black ones -- but solid black?? HONESTLY?!  Finally I found a black one with cut outs that allowed the colour underneath to show through - one piece.  Then I found a blue one with wee tiny white dots -  one piece.  

Off to the changing room.  ugh -- strip down try them on -- peek in the mirror -- rip it off - try on the next one.   Wash rinse repeat.... through those 2 and about 4 more.  The one piece suits just didn't fit right -- either they gaped ridiculously at the crotch allowing my pussy to nearly fall out -- or they weren't long enough in the torso  and I felt like I had a wedgy.

I decided against my better judgement to try on these 2 piece jobs that  -- when on -- actually resemble a one piece.  (I am NOT showing my belly flab) More trying on -- struggling with the elasticized material..cursing at it -- getting sweaty and despairing of ever finding something that would do.  (I fought hard to shut out the voices calling me 'fat' -- too fat for a swimsuit) 

Finally I tried on a black one with big white polka dots and small black bikini bottom.  It went on fairly easily -- and fit comfortably.  I dared to look in the mirror.  It looked ok.  I turned and checked the back - it looked ok.  So I threw it in the basket with the shorts and tops .... and on the way out I even picked up a straw hat.... it comes down covering my neck and shoulders and a little bit of my face.  I figure if I get too uncomfortable in the swimsuit I'll just pull the hat down further and be incognito ..... 

At the end of the day I was pooped and discouraged -- and fighting the demons... BUT on the bright side I do have a swimsuit for the campgrounds.

The War

Eating disorders are like invisible bogey men -- hiding under the bed -- in the cupboard -- never EVER really gone for good.

I have been doing really really well the last couple of months -- eating 1200 calories a day without a fight -- without feeling sick -- without any side effects.  (and for CG -- grinning -- and not in one McDonald's meal either !!)  And the scales haven't budged -- well not more than one pound up or down.

But slowly almost unnoticed the feelings have started creeping back in.  Last week I pulled out a dress for Easter -- a dress I haven't worn since I bought it.  I got such a knot in my stomach that maybe it wouldn't fit -- maybe I was getting 'fat' again.  

Then I started to think about the summer coming -- and being at the campsite with Sir Steve -- and needing 'camping clothes' especially shorts and a decent bathing suit.... and the feelings just swamped me. 

I started to count how many weeks I have before I need to wear summer clothes and started calculating how fast I could lose the last 20 pounds I have always wanted to lose. 

My voices started whispering in my ear ' just cut back on your calories... go to the gym more.... walk more eat less.... you did it before you can do it again'  

I am saying this out loud (so to speak) cause I don't want to hide it -- I did that the last time -- I want to fight the urge not to cut back on food and increase the exercise -- I LIKE being healthy -- but I so want to lose the last 20 pounds!!  I SO want to buy shorts and swimsuits and not feel fat in them!  

That dress I thought wouldn't fit -- I wore at Easter -- got compliments on it even -- and I hated it!  Every time I looked in the mirror I looked so fat in it!  It looked too tight -- too small -- All I could see was the fat piling on my body.

And so the war begins again ........ the desperate need to lose 20 pounds in 2 months and the knowledge I must eat ..........  

A Day Late

My 'Easter Bunny' arrived Thursday evening with a chocolate bunny for me!!  It has been years since anyone gave me chocolate for Easter.  After a grilled steak dinner we had a night of wanton sex.

Friday morning we headed off to spend the rest of the weekend with Sir Steve's parents.  We stopped at my brother's in Toronto for a quick coffee and visit and finally arrived late Friday afternoon.

I was a bit iffy about this weekend.  I am jealous of the time we get together I guess..... and a whole weekend at the parent's house was making me a bit antsy.  BUT it turned out to be a really good weekend....... 

Sir Steve got his father's garden shed moved -- I got to get to know them better with no one else around for most of the weekend (and that is a very good thing!)  

AND 
I managed to shock Sir Steve (just a wee bit) twice.

The first time was Saturday late afternoon -- he had gone to our bedroom to get changed to go out to dinner -- and I snuck in behind him.  He was changing his jeans when I dropped to my knees in front of him with a wicked grin.... pulled his cock out and gave him a quick blow job -- just enough to tease him ya know?? a bratty kind of blow job.

Then later that evening we were curled up in bed -- parents fast asleep -- we managed to have a quiet (operative word being QUIET) bit of sex.  I surprised Sir Steve by actually not making a sound!  As we snuggled together drifting off to sleep -- I asked him if he had ever done that before "fucked in his parent's house" and he grinned and said "nope never". I do LOVE firsts!!

Sunday was busy (the guys finished up the moving of the shed) and the rest of the day was spent getting ready for company and Easter Dinner. 

Monday morning we were up and out on the road by 10ish and I got home around 2:30 - pooped.  By the time Sir Steve messaged me to tell me he was home I was missing him.  

7 more weeks and I will be moving to Cornwall -- I can do this right?? Its only 7 more weeks that's all............

  

Long Weekend

Usually on Monday I do my weekend report -- but as we are still away and only heading home today -- I decided to delay the holiday report.

Instead I am leaving you with this lil bit of wisdom...........

 

Happy Easter ( a little smile)

And just in case you were wondering where Easter Eggs come from............

 

What to wear -- what to wear?!

Once upon a time a long time ago --

ok ok so 3 1/2 months ago --

 I asked Sir Steve if he had any preferences on what I wore.  And because he wanted me to get even stronger and more confident -- and not look to him for 'orders' as I had become accustomed to doing - he told me he only wanted me to be comfortable. 

Over the 3 months he has dropped some hints -- but me being me with my head in the clouds -- I didn't pick up on them. (You really do need to bang me over the head sometimes!)  BUT he did say one day when I was wearing a long tunic top with leggings that he really liked my outfit -- liked seeing my legs.  And that stuck with me.

Then for date night -- I decided to go all out and wore a thong and a garter belt and stockings under a pretty dress..... oh yeah and I added heels too.  He was  -- from my vantage point - pretty non-committal about it.  

And it bugged me.

And so I brought it up with him -- in a cheeky manner with a wiggle of my ass -- and he told me that he HAD noticed and had run his hand up my leg.  (Was I supposed to know that was his seal of approval??? like I said 'slap me upside the head') And then he reminded me how -- the first time he came for a visit and I asked what he would like me to wear -- he had answered "no underpants".  AND how he hadn't said a word about it -- but had groped my ass when he arrived to see if I had done it.  (see me smiling?)

And so when I went to pack the suitcase for this weekend away (yes yes we are actually away for Easter -- and you are reading this thanks to the ability of being able to schedule posts to appear like magic) I packed dresses and tunic tops and leggings.  I happen to love wearing dresses and leggings and short tops -- they aren't as comfy as jeans and baggy sweaters -- but ya know what? They do make me feel sexy and skinnier and good about myself!  

I do believe dresses will become much more widely worn from here on in -- and that my friends is a very good thing!

Creating peace

Because of who I am - I have been doing a lot of thinking about this summer and the campgrounds.  I know Sir Steve would love to spend most of the summer there -- it would make him very happy.  My discomfort over possible - POSSIBLE - problems with his ex-wife and inlaws was putting a damper on his happiness.  He has done everything possible to make it easier for me.  

So it was my turn to figure out how I could do this - for him -- but also for myself.  I love nothing better than sitting by the water in the summer - hell I had a cottage for a few years and spent my entire summer there every year.

The other day when I was talking about the new RV and my concerns awomaninacape left a comment suggesting I might actually be able to go most of the summer and never need to socialize with them.  So I pulled up the map of the campgrounds and looked at proximity and social areas and formed a plan in my head.  

I took a long hard look at my concerns....and realized the very worst they can do is talk.. blah blah blah.  I don't believe they have the nerve to say anything to my face and even if they do - it's only words.  What's the old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones  BUT words can never harm me".  I will set healthy boundaries for ME -- only me.  I will protect my inner peace -- my calm -- my 'zen'.  AND should Sir Steve's lil one decide to visit back and forth -- I have even planned out a route that does not involve anyone having to go on the other's site.

Healthy boundaries create peace and harmony ....... and that is all I want... that and to make Sir Steve happy -- and that is a good thing.

Whirling Dervish

My 'whirling dervish' lost it's whirl.

I noticed Tuesday I had little energy -- but I still went to work -- went to the gym -- baked and did laundry.  My muscles ached... my bones ached... I felt like shit.  AND for some reason I was touchy when I talked to Sir Steve and was more than a little quiet to avoid saying anything upsetting.

Yesterday I was dead on my feet.  I managed to go to work and limped through my time with my lil guy and couldn't wait to get home.   I finished up the baking and just collapsed on the sofa and didn't move for the rest of the day.  

I don't know if my B12 problem is acting up again or if it is just plain exhaustion from thinking and planning and yes stressing a bit. 

I'll be so damn glad when I am moved and settled in........ in the meantime I will try to be less whirling dervish and more stop and smell the roses .......  

Complicated

New relationships come with 'extras' -- extra kids...extra siblings......extra parents...... extra in-laws and extra friends.

Life would be perfect IF all the extras could just accept new relationships with barely a blip.

But that's not always how it works.... some are happy.... some are sad/worried...some worry they will be forgotten and others are downright nasty.
 
My family is small -- just my girls (their husbands and the grandkids) and my brother. 
Sir Steve's family on the other hand is much larger -- there are 4 children -- sisters and a brother - father and mother PLUS an almost ex-wife and ex-inlaws.  (and I am sure some I have missed or don't know about - yet)

Forty some odd years ago when I was getting married I was told "remember you are not marrying his family -- or he yours -- you are marrying only each other".  And that is true even now -- we are not technically having a relationship with the families -- the 'extras' BUT it would be nice if we could all be amicable. (at least for funerals and high holidays as my Aunt Olive used to say)

I had one last phone call to make - one last introduction to make -- and that was to my brother and his wife.  For some reason I really stewed about it.  OH I know the reason -- he intimidates me a little bit.  Despite being 10 years younger than me -- since the death of my father he seems to have become the head of our little family -- and has tried from time to time tried to boss me around.  BUT it had to be done ya know.

So the other night I called him -- and we talked.  Both he and his wife said something that stuck with me.  They said "You're all grown up now -- it's your life" and then we made plans to drop by this Easter weekend for a quick coffee so they can meet Sir Steve.  I feel better about this visit now.  AND realized we don't have to be best friends - a Norman Rockwell painting of a happy family -- we just have to be 'us'.

So I am not fussing over my family anymore...... Sir Steve's on the other hand is a completely different matter.

I have met his father and step mom and one sister.  I think it went well -- I am invited back for Easter dinner.  I haven't met his other children -- well not for at least 8 years.  I have a gut feeling his daughter (who visits the ex-wife and inlaws) is not impressed with our relationship -- and might just blame me.... ?? (these are only gut feelings -- nothing concrete)  

The almost ex-wife and her parents have made it pretty damn clear what they think (behind his back -- but people talk you know) They believe he is an adulterer (we won't talk about who made the first move down that road) and I am pretty sure there is no love lost for me. (though I haven't come face to face with them ------ yet) 

This summer will prove a challenge I think.  Sir Steve's trailer is in the same campground as his ex-wife and inlaws.  He surprised me yesterday by telling me he had had his site moved -- so at least we won't be side by side neighbours.  BUT I am waffling on whether I will spend my summer there - despite my love of sitting by the water and reading and relaxing...... despite his coming to the campground every evening..... I am waffling......

Family and extras can make a new relationship tricky to maneuver -- here's hoping everyone can be mature .........

More than..........

We did more than eat and have sex this weekend.  It was the annual home show so we popped in for a look see.  I don't usually do very well at big conventions like home shows -- crowds ya know -- and all the twists and turns I usually land up feeling panicky lost..... but it went really well.

First there were a whole mess of RVs for sale in the parking lot and Sir Steve is looking for a new one to replace the one he has at the camp grounds.  So we wandered in and out of them all.  I have never paid much attention to RV's before -- never thinking I would have a need to know anything about them.  Dear lord!!  Some of them are nicer than my home!  And cost almost as much !

I did manage to get a map of Cornwall from the city bus company -- and managed to pick up some bamboo blue sheets that are guaranteed to fit my bed (I've been having a lot of trouble finding double bed sheets that actually fit)

Then we wandered home and Sir Steve got a couple of phone calls from folks selling second hand RV's.  So Sunday we hopped in the car and went off into the country via back roads to see a couple of them.  The drive was pretty amazing -- the snow is gone -- the sun was shining -- and the country side was glorious.  (I can't wait to rescue my camera from youngest daughter's house where I forgot it and get out taking pictures) 

The first one we saw was listed low in price but needed some work...... some work???!!!  Their definition and my definition of 'some work' are two different things!!  We didn't stay long and got back in the car and back to the country roads to the next one... which was actually a dealership.  The one we were to see there needed some work too....... but it was filthy !!  and smelled bad ... and had mold!  I kept wrinkling my nose up at Sir Steve.  After he had 'come to his senses' he asked the guy serving us if there were any others in his price range.

There were a couple -- I wandered off for a cigarette cause seriously I had had enough of 'some work' RV's.  When I found my way back to them Sir Steve told me to come look ....... it was an RV from the outside -- but I climbed the rickety steps and stop dead in my tracks.  It was so clean!!  No bad smells.  It looked clean!!  and it was cute..... so damn cute.  I tried really hard not to fall in love it -- tried not to see us vacationing in it ......... but it didn't work.  Just like my other homes I had fallen in love.

Sir Steve and I wandered off to talk.  It was a good price -- a little higher than he wanted to go -- but so worth the money.  There is nothing to fix -- NOTHING!  so we can spend our summer weekends enjoying it and the camping.  I downloaded a couple of pictures of it... but you have to understand it's not as squishy as it looks in the pictures. One side (the side with the table and sofa) slides out and gives us about another few feet -- enough to walk comfortably from one end to the other.....

  at the back of this picture - through the doorway is the master bedroom with a queen size bed.

at the back of this picture is a very compact bathroom with shower/tub.. toilet and sink





So Sir Steve is the proud owner of a new RV .... and our life is coming together -- like perfectly fitting puzzle pieces.

First Date

Sir Steve and I had that promised 'first date' on Saturday evening...... dinner and a movie.

It was fun ya know -- getting all cleaned up - putting on make up -- even stockings and garter belt and heels!  all for Sir Steve.  

I had said that I have never had Japanese food -- would not do sushi though!  Sir Steve chose a wonderful restaurant -- Moon Thai and Japanese Restaurant.

They brought us the menus and told us it was all you can eat off the menu for a set price.  I was thrilled as that meant I could try little bits of all different foods and if I didn't like something I could just select something else.

Sir Steve was happy because he could eat all the sushi he wanted... 

(honestly I do not see what the attraction is to raw fish and seaweed -- ewwww)

I tried all sorts of different dishes -- but declared the Chicken Katsu my absolute favourite!!

Then we headed off to see "Going in Style" 

 On the way to the movie theater I turned to Sir Steve and said " I think I should tell you -- I do NOT kiss on the first date" .. he started laughing and when he had finished I added with a cheeky grin "I do however fuck -- and expect to".



It was a wonderful movie -- we held hands and laughed till our sides hurt.

When the movie ended we left holding hands like young lovers - stopping for a quick kiss ..... then home for some sweet love making.

What a great 'first date' it was !!  And I expect there will be many many more !

Sunday Sentiments

Some well deserved Chillin'

Well I arrived at Sir Steve's yesterday afternoon -- with homemade stew, fresh bread, and German chocolate cake for dinner.  

This weekend is gonna be a chillin' weekend.  After 3 rather stress filled weeks -- between surgery and healing and apartment hunting -- we are both long over due for some relaxing -- good sex -- and of course date night !!!

Now if Mother Nature would cooperate a little bit -- it snowed on my drive down !! - and give us promised sunshine and much needed warmth -- it would be a PERFECT weekend....... 

 

Drowning

I had a disappointing day yesterday.  I was hoping Sir Steve and I could do a walk through of the new apartment for measurements etc on Friday afternoon... but unfortunately it isn't going to work out.  The next Friday we are available isn't till the 21st ..... 

Then I had my first estimator for the move come in.... he wouldn't even give me a "guesstimate" of how much it will cost.  He'll email me the estimate on Monday.

Then I was sitting looking at my list of 'to do's' and felt like I was drowning.  I want to start crossing things off my list -- I HATE waiting!!  but most of the items can't be done yet ...... I guess I just want June to come N O W !

Then I took a big breath and focused on this weekend -- and seeing Sir Steve and my heart slowed down.  We're have a date night this weekend.... dinner and a movie.  I am SO excited !!  Sir Steve pointed out that this is actually our first official date.  Oh we've been out to dinner -- been to munches - even a play party -- but this is our first 'date night'.  I have my outfit all picked out -- just like when I was a teenager.... gonna look my very best for my best man 

and that is a very good thing !

Lovers

Yesterday I posted a note Sir Steve left on my facebook wall for me.  I wanted to give everyone time to read it before I wrote a more detailed piece.... so if you haven't read it yet.. go HERE  and read it for goodness sakes! (grinning) 

When I read it I smiled and got this warm feeling inside.  When he finds something that speaks to him of our love he always shares it with me on Facebook ... a private declaration of his love made public.

There is not one thing on that list that Sir Steve doesn't do...(well except for rub my back when I get home from work - but then he would need really long arms to do that right now)  but my side needs a little work.  I am much more likely not to talk when something bothers me or upsets me.  In the past it has just been easier ya know.  But as Sir Steve is always reminding me - he isn't the men from my past. And gently wraps his arms around me and pulls me in tight and whispers in my ear -- reassuring encouraging words - getting me to slowly open up.

Months ago when we were just talking I typed "god I love you" then stopped and looked at the words on my screen -- and typed 'did I just say that out loud?" My heart stopped -- first it seemed too early for a declaration of love (even if I had wanted to say it 8 years ago) and secondly my past has taught me that the common response to that statement was "yeah me too" or just pretend it hadn't been said.  Sir Steve didn't hesitate for a second and typed back "I love you too".  Now most of our conversations start with "I love you" and end with it too.  "I love you" is said when we see each other and every morning and night we are together (never mind all the spontaneous 'love you's' through the day.

But it's much more than 3 little words -  we show each other our love in so many simple ways -- from my taking care of him while he recuperated from surgery -- to making his meals and coffee when we're together.  He is always asking what I ate during the day and if I remembered to take my meds.  AND now he is pushing me to keep up with my medical appointments -- even IF I resist.

I don't know if he notices (though I would bet he does cause he notices EVERYTHING!) but I smile every time he walks in a room -- or leaves a room.  I watch him intently and my heart beats a little quicker and I think I must have done something right to have such a man in my life.

He handles my anxiety like a pro - and it never seems to be too much -- never seems to throw him or upset him.  He accepts it as part of who I am  and knows it can only get better with time.

I know this all sounds sappy to some of you (most of you?) and I can hear everyone thinking "it's just the honeymoon stage - wait " 

BUT it is all so new to me -- to have a man who is not afraid to declare his love -- to work hard to hold up his end of the relationship -- to love hugs and give them and take them with no hesitation - who is showing me - teaching me - what a healthy relationship looks like, feels like, and sounds like........ and that dear readers is a very good thing!

Love Letter

Long Day

Just a little humour -- otherwise I might cry.

I am pooped and my day hasn't even started.  It was hard getting back into routine yesterday -- work - then the gym - then drop my new computer off to be fixed (finally) - then home to do laundry and make some appointments -- and then I got called back into work.

Today is gonna be busier if possible -- 
work - gym - accountant for my taxes - pick up my computer which is fixed - hairdresser appointment - then a doctor's appointment......... oh and hopefully finish my laundry in between

For some reason I have a feeling the next 8 weeks are gonna be just as busy - I am making lists for fear I forget something............. 

Once I finally get moved to Cornwall I am gonna need a vacation -- a longgggggggggg vacation.

Raising the Bar

Well I am home after a wonderful extended holiday with Sir Steve.  During the 3 weeks we got a lot accomplished........ and I found and got my new apartment -- and the keys are mine on the 1st of June.

But the big deal for me -- at least today - is Sir Steve is helping me push my comfort levels -- raising the bar so to speak.  Over the last 3 months he has been pushing me slowly to ask for what I want -- to initiate sex -- to speak up for myself.  

For my entire life I have been sexually submissive -- to the extreme.  I never learned or experienced mutual pleasure -- there was no pressure on me to actually DO anything.  Just have my body ready for my partner to use.  THAT is not what Sir Steve wants -- he wants a woman who is actively involved in the bedroom.  

This weekend I was gonna surpise him and take the lead -- be in control -- I had it all planned out in my head............ except life stepped in.  And instead of having the whole day to ourselves on Saturday we were waiting to see if one of his daughters was gonna pop over for a visit.  We waited until dinner time and she didn't come.

My confidence kept dwindling .......... and was replaced by butterflies.  
BUT ya know I love this man -- and I want to make him happy -- want to please him !!  So after dinner -- I sucked it up and we went to bed early ........... and the playing started.   It worked for a while -- but then -- for some stupid reason -- the voices in my head decided THIS was a really good time to put in an appearance (after weeks of being silent) 

They kept whispering "you don't have a clue what you're doing" .... " bet his other women have pleasured him much better than you are" ....... "what makes you think you have what it takes to please him"....... "you're failing failing failing" .. "what a failure"!!

And the confidence just shrivelled up.  and I froze.  and I gave up and ended the session.

And then I curled up in a ball and the tears came.  

What a way to really ruin some sex games!!  I am fucking lucky Sir Steve has the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon.  We talked and talked -- and he made me see some facts -- and he slowly figured out some of the problems and helped me see them......... 

On Sunday -- despite feeling pretty fragile -- we talked some more -- and then made gentle sweet love before I came home ............it'll be 8 weeks or so before I move to live down the street from Sir Steve -- we'll have our weekends together -- and hopefully we'll have time to work together to help me grow .. and gain confidence ... and be the woman Sir Steve SO deserves.............