Raising the Bar

Well I am home after a wonderful extended holiday with Sir Steve.  During the 3 weeks we got a lot accomplished........ and I found and got my new apartment -- and the keys are mine on the 1st of June.

But the big deal for me -- at least today - is Sir Steve is helping me push my comfort levels -- raising the bar so to speak.  Over the last 3 months he has been pushing me slowly to ask for what I want -- to initiate sex -- to speak up for myself.  

For my entire life I have been sexually submissive -- to the extreme.  I never learned or experienced mutual pleasure -- there was no pressure on me to actually DO anything.  Just have my body ready for my partner to use.  THAT is not what Sir Steve wants -- he wants a woman who is actively involved in the bedroom.  

This weekend I was gonna surpise him and take the lead -- be in control -- I had it all planned out in my head............ except life stepped in.  And instead of having the whole day to ourselves on Saturday we were waiting to see if one of his daughters was gonna pop over for a visit.  We waited until dinner time and she didn't come.

My confidence kept dwindling .......... and was replaced by butterflies.  
BUT ya know I love this man -- and I want to make him happy -- want to please him !!  So after dinner -- I sucked it up and we went to bed early ........... and the playing started.   It worked for a while -- but then -- for some stupid reason -- the voices in my head decided THIS was a really good time to put in an appearance (after weeks of being silent) 

They kept whispering "you don't have a clue what you're doing" .... " bet his other women have pleasured him much better than you are" ....... "what makes you think you have what it takes to please him"....... "you're failing failing failing" .. "what a failure"!!

And the confidence just shrivelled up.  and I froze.  and I gave up and ended the session.

And then I curled up in a ball and the tears came.  

What a way to really ruin some sex games!!  I am fucking lucky Sir Steve has the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon.  We talked and talked -- and he made me see some facts -- and he slowly figured out some of the problems and helped me see them......... 

On Sunday -- despite feeling pretty fragile -- we talked some more -- and then made gentle sweet love before I came home ............it'll be 8 weeks or so before I move to live down the street from Sir Steve -- we'll have our weekends together -- and hopefully we'll have time to work together to help me grow .. and gain confidence ... and be the woman Sir Steve SO deserves.............