Love

I have 'loved' many times ......... and each time it was different - didn't feel the same - wasn't the same.

I have been thinking how quickly we jump to use the word "love" -- but I wonder if it isn't just 'lust' -- or an insecurity poking it's head out -- 'I love you (please love me too) because I am insecure'
OR 
I love you because you are new and exciting and you make me feel things that are warm and fuzzy and wonderful.  (which is in my mind lust)

No matter how deeply I have fallen in lust with someone  over this past year - the word "love" has never come to mind.  At first I thought it was because my heart was so broken from the ending of my last long term relationship -- or that I had built a really good strong tall wall around my heart.  


I have talked with friends about my reluctance to say "love" -- or even to feel "love" .... is there /was there something wrong with me???    I don't even know what the word means anymore!

I actually looked up the meaning of "love" -- it means "to have an intense feeling of affection" .  So now I am really confused...... (grinning) affection isn't what I picture in my mind love looks like.  Damn have I been wrong all these years?? I always thought "love" was some extreme emotion - the strongest emotion - the be all and end all of emotions.

I realized maybe I needed another way of looking at "love" - another definition........ 
I went back to my "roots" (seems to be my theme this week) ..... at my brother's wedding I read a verse on 'love' 

"love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs"

Ok so maybe I do "love" -- but by a different definition than I originally held..... 

Love in my humble opinion should not hobble you - it should allow you both space to grow - space to BE.  Maybe it is the poly in me - I don't know - maybe it is just a more mature/experienced way of looking at a relationship - at love.  Maybe for me - it isn't necessary to say the words "I love you" - maybe for me - it is about allowing you to be who and what you are - without trying to change you....... 

OR maybe it's just that I am weird (grinning)

Stability

Roots give trees stability.  The winds may blow and the rains may fall - but the tree stands strong - because of it's roots.

For the last - I don't know - 5 months or so - I have been exploring and playing and tasting a freedom I don't think I ever had - ever!  I did a lot of growing.  I got dragged into more than my share of dramas.  I got irritated and disillusioned.  I talked to a lot of different people and questioned more than I ever did.  

I thought I had the answers - I joked about it.  I had a checklist - I wanted a lover - I wanted a Sadist - I wanted a Dom - I wanted someone who would do knives - someone else who would do needles - I wanted all my needs met.

But for all my freedom - for all my fun - I was feeling empty inside.  My tree was swaying dangerously in the wind.  I thought my roots were gone.

I slowly started cutting back on my activities - The Sadist is gone - and my hunt for the right fit for all my other needs has stopped.... my lover is still here and that is a very good thing.  I am polyamorous and probably always will be now..... THAT is a good fit.  The only thing from this exploration period that does still fit.  

BUT I realized that I need to get back to my roots.

In the last couple of weeks I came to the realization that my roots were in my submission.  I am not a bottom - not a player. I am submissive....... with or without a Master.  It is in my blood - it is who I am. 

And with that realization - thankfully - a quiet settled over my heart and I feel calm and strong again.

At last.
 

Sunday Sentiments

Quiet Time

It's really early in the morning - only one or two birds are singing ..... the sun is barely peeking over the horizon -- it's quiet.

None of my neighbours are stirring 

No cars are warming up or driving past

Even Miss Ashes is curled up in the balcony door - quietly keeping an eye on the rising sun.

This is most definitely my favourite time of the day - quiet peaceful time - before my brain is inundated with voices and responsibilities  -- a time to just "be" 

I have some stuff I have to figure out - some undercurrents that are starting to nudge at my consciousness - 

BUT not now 

Not in this quiet 

Before the world and it's problems and it's dramas awaken

This is the time for calm and quiet and thankfully peace.

Strength

Feelings

 When I was teaching I had, what one principal called, "tremendous intuition" - always knowing which child/family needed 'guidance' before any tale tell signs were visible.
I used to shrug - I just called it a gut feeling.  And yes I will admit after 30 years of working I had to admit I was right 99% of the time - but had no explanation.  Sometimes I wondered if it was just because of my own childhood  -- that I could feel a child's deep inner pain.  It just wasn't something I thought about much.


I was trying to explain something recently - about my "noticing things" and I said everyone has patterns - habits - whatever you want to call them - unconscious things they do - and I see when those habits change.  It seems glaringly obvious to me - but I am learning - it is not as obvious to others.  

 I seem to instinctively know when someone is lying - or hurting - or is "off" somehow or other. (probably because their patterns/habits change slightly)  There are times when I have been out in a crowd that I come home exhausted, drained and sometimes feeling overly emotional.  There are days that I prefer my own company and will vigorously avoid people. 

Yesterday I had another appointment with my therapist -
still -- yes !!!  and she asked me if I knew the meaning of the word "empath".  I thought she meant empathy - cause we were discussing how I react to people ....... but no she meant "empath".  Angel has talked to me about a friend of hers who is an empath.  So yeah I knew what it meant - I did google the definition after the discussion with Angel and did some research.  My therapist seems to think that a lot of my "symptoms" may stem from this empath thing.  To be honest with you - in my head - I pooh poohed the whole notion.  It just sounds a wee bit too "new age" for this old bird.  

It wasn't a bad session with my therapist - lots of stuff to think about - "homework" I like to call it.  And when I got home I went for another walk in the sunshine -- finding that peace I had the other day.  BUT when I got home - sitting quietly in my living room thinking I should go water my fairy garden........ suddenly -  I had this huge knot in my stomach - and I literally felt sick - and worried.......... a short while later I got an email - as i read it - the sick feeling got worse and worse... my heart was pounding and  my hands were shaking - and I felt like crying - it felt like I was having an anxiety attack.  

I have been thinking since that email about this whole empath thing.  I just kind of think it's too easy an explanation for years of unexplained anxiety - unexplained agoraphobia - unexplained periods of exhaustion and unexplained stress....... my need for quiet  -- my need for solitude.

IF - and trust me it is a BIG IF - this empath is really a "thing" - is there a cure?? cause I really would like to stop feeling so painfully deeply..... stop seeing people's patterns/habits  -- stop feeling like I need to run and hide some days.    

Peacefulness

Yesterday was a good day - the good days are happening more than the bad ones these days - which is a very good thing.  It was an ordinary day in most respects - gym, messages, tasks done........ nothing out of the ordinary.

Spring has truly finally arrived here in the Great White North... so after my lunch I decided  to go for a long walk in the sunshine... soak in some of the warmth 

As I was walking I realized I was very peaceful inside  -- a calm had settled over my heart.  I almost didn't recognise the feeling.  It has been that long since I had such a deep abiding peace.

And as I walked I did some serious re-evaluating of myself - of my almost kinetic energy these last couple of months.  I have thought some harsh things about myself just recently - I even voiced them to Angel - and the words made me feel sick to my stomach -- but they were true feelings - if not exactly true words.  

BUT on my walk I realized that it is time for yet another change in my life.  I do miss the calm that I used to have - the grounding I used to have ....... and I realized no one can give me back that  calm - that grounding - but I can create it for myself.

Today hopefully will be another peaceful day - I will work at it

Attitude

On Sunday Angel and I were sitting on my balcony discussing the kink community and  fat shaming, skinny shaming, sex shaming any and all forms of shaming.

You know what really gets me going - age shaming.  I have reached a glorious NUMBER that makes me - in some people's opinion - OLD.  I think I was gob smacked the first time, a few years ago, when someone made a crack about my age.  BUT as the years pass, I am hearing it more and more - that I am old.  It isn't even a statement of fact - I might be able to tolerate that - it feels more like a put down.

It has been insinuated that I am too OLD to play - too OLD to serve - just plain TOO OLD.

On Sunday I asked Angel how many people we know in the lifestyle over the age of 60...... there seems to be some magic to that number.  Honestly we could only think of a handful.  I wondered out loud if all the cracks about being old had just worn them down..... and they had "disappeared".   And it bothered me.  Are people just expecting me to "disappear"??? 

I don't know (see me shrugging) I guess I always thought maturity and experience counted for something.  Perhaps I was wrong.  And let's get one thing straight - maturity and experience does not always come with a NUMBER!  But I like to think in my case it does.  

So....if you're looking for me - I won't be "disappearing" any time soon.... I'll just be sitting over here with my attitude, quietly watching the asses make asses of themselves... watching the same discussions come up over and over again... watching the same advise go swirling past.. watching the dramas develop and unfold ....watching "summer reruns" over and over again.  Waiting for folks to grow up.

Scattered

I took the above picture yesterday - edited and posted it.  

But it haunts me in a way.

Most of it's bits have been blown away - lost forever.

Some days that's how I feel - like so many of my bits have been blown away...

Sunday Sentiments

Label Me

People are too complicated to have simple labels.  

And yet labels help us identify one another.  The above word cloud are labels people have assigned to me...and I have let them.

Some of them I accept - like submissive/bottom, mentor, masochist, poly

Some of them I wear proudly - like Mother Granny Friend Lover 

The rest are just labels people have assigned to me.

BUT I am hoping that people will look deeper than the labels - see the woman underneath those labels and realize that I may be those labels - but much much more.


  

Happy Dance

Yesterday I got an "All Clear" diagnosis at the cancer test.  This was the first time I have gone 6 months !!

Now I am working on one year cancer free  -- won't that be lovely!!

Now I am going to take a couple of days to catch up on my sleep - heal the bruising and then LOOK OUT WORLD !! 

thanks to everyone for their support and good vibes!!
 

The Gift

Talking and listening -
Arms wrapped around me - 
helping me feel real
helping me find the woman that had gone missing
helping me be more than suspicious pains and symptoms
helping me find strength and positiveness

Reminding me that no matter what
I am cared for
and respected

Empty no more

A gift from the heart.

 

Support

Count Down

I woke up Monday - and before my eyes were even open the thought "it's THIS week" screamed in my head.  Thursday is my cancer test - and possible surgery.

I know - from experience - if I don't keep busy I will just sit and chew on my nails - not be able to eat - and stare off into space........ worrying and stressing.

So I went to the gym and worked hard straining my weary muscles
I cleaned the kitchen - even scrubbing the stove
I did 3 loads of laundry 
I gave myself a manicure 

with no enthusiasm - but I have to keep my hands busy....... 

I am going to ask you all to be a little patient with me if there isn't much of interest on The Journey this week......... I am just trying really really hard to get through each day - one minute at a time.

Pensive

It was  a pensive sort of weekend - lots of thoughts and re-evaluations 

It seems that there is a lot of "kool-aid" being consumed around me these days.... and it confuses me - and leaves me feeling more than a little isolated.  

Add to that a few email messages that describe me in ways I don't recognise - and I am left wondering what impression I am putting out there...... 

I made some changes to my profile on Fetlife - took down more than a few of my pictures - and have decided to "pull back" on any and all activity over there for awhile.
I have given serious thought to doing more - but think I need time to breath and muse on it more.  

All I know right now after a weekend of musings - is that I have a very heavy heart - and that makes me very sad. 

   

Sunday Sentiments

Feelings

 

When I was teaching - one of the things that was drummed into my head as a young new teacher was to ALWAYS validate how a child felt.  It made good sense to me - the one who feels things (even simple silly things) so deeply owns those feelings right or wrong.  It has been a philosophy I have maintained in all aspects of my life.

If someone says "I feel.............. " I will listen and offer a shoulder and an ear - because ya know that's what they FEEL.   I will try to offer a different way of looking at the situation but I won't ever say "you are wrong for feeling that"

I have used that same philosophy when newbies in the BDSM community react to situations.  I ALWAYS validate what they are FEELING and then try to get them to see things from another calmer point of view.  Usually those newbies are submissives.  

BUT ya know sometimes.............. 

those feelings a sub has might just affect the way another well meaning person feels.  

AND that never occurred to me.  

I am sitting here this morning thinking/wondering IF perhaps we protect new submissives too much.  IF we validate their feelings too much - even when we know in our heart of hearts that those feelings are wrong.

I was discussing this topic yesterday - and I realized - especially on Fetlife - we are all adults - yes we have the right to feelings ........ but I also think we have the right to block/delete/unfriend people who for whatever reason make us FEEL uncomfortable.

AND even more importantly

When we know the person's feelings were misplaced........ isn't that a teachable moment? (for lack of a better term).   Shouldn't we (at the very least!!) - when the opportunity presents itself - introduce the two parties   and help the newbie see that the "stalker" she saw in words on Fetlife - is in actual fact - a warm friendly person??

Sometimes I think we do a disservice to newbies when we don't show them that their initial feelings were wrong........ and we commit a worse disservice to the community at large by continuing to protect and validate false feelings.

It is time I think - to find a better way to make everyone - new and old a like - more responsible for their feelings, their actions and our responses to them.

 

 

Muddy

A very long time ago - I had a HUGE garden - more an English garden.  It took me almost a week to weed it and care for it..... I loved it - loved working in the mud - loved the peace and quiet - listening to the world around me.  (no one came near me when I gardened - I think they were afraid I would enlist them to help)

Then I got divorced and moved to a townhouse - and managed to carve out three gardens.  Back then I called it my secret garden - and there were fairies hidden around it.. and I would spend my summer under the red umbrella reading and soaking in the sun.

Then I moved to Kingston and I gave away my fairies and designed an oriental garden... and spent two summers tending it and enjoying it................ 

and now.......... 

I have no garden.   And it made me a little bit sad.  All these years of finding my peace and joy in the mud and now there is none.
 
BUT I kept thinking about my "secret garden" from Montreal filled with fairies ...... I found a garden center here that had bag gardens....... flowers growing in a heavy plastic bag and while I was wondering round  -- dreaming of all the gardens and all the flowers I have had in my life - I had inspiration.  

I WILL still have a small secret garden complete with a fairy............ 

I came home with a smile and a plan............... 

Wanna see??? 

These pics are of the flowers in bags - hanging on the walls on the balcony

 And this is my secret garden....... can you find the fairy?? you have to believe in fairies of course to find her............

and now I have my secret garden to find my peace and my quiet - a spot to curl up and read and soak in the sun...........