Feelings

 When I was teaching I had, what one principal called, "tremendous intuition" - always knowing which child/family needed 'guidance' before any tale tell signs were visible.
I used to shrug - I just called it a gut feeling.  And yes I will admit after 30 years of working I had to admit I was right 99% of the time - but had no explanation.  Sometimes I wondered if it was just because of my own childhood  -- that I could feel a child's deep inner pain.  It just wasn't something I thought about much.


I was trying to explain something recently - about my "noticing things" and I said everyone has patterns - habits - whatever you want to call them - unconscious things they do - and I see when those habits change.  It seems glaringly obvious to me - but I am learning - it is not as obvious to others.  

 I seem to instinctively know when someone is lying - or hurting - or is "off" somehow or other. (probably because their patterns/habits change slightly)  There are times when I have been out in a crowd that I come home exhausted, drained and sometimes feeling overly emotional.  There are days that I prefer my own company and will vigorously avoid people. 

Yesterday I had another appointment with my therapist -
still -- yes !!!  and she asked me if I knew the meaning of the word "empath".  I thought she meant empathy - cause we were discussing how I react to people ....... but no she meant "empath".  Angel has talked to me about a friend of hers who is an empath.  So yeah I knew what it meant - I did google the definition after the discussion with Angel and did some research.  My therapist seems to think that a lot of my "symptoms" may stem from this empath thing.  To be honest with you - in my head - I pooh poohed the whole notion.  It just sounds a wee bit too "new age" for this old bird.  

It wasn't a bad session with my therapist - lots of stuff to think about - "homework" I like to call it.  And when I got home I went for another walk in the sunshine -- finding that peace I had the other day.  BUT when I got home - sitting quietly in my living room thinking I should go water my fairy garden........ suddenly -  I had this huge knot in my stomach - and I literally felt sick - and worried.......... a short while later I got an email - as i read it - the sick feeling got worse and worse... my heart was pounding and  my hands were shaking - and I felt like crying - it felt like I was having an anxiety attack.  

I have been thinking since that email about this whole empath thing.  I just kind of think it's too easy an explanation for years of unexplained anxiety - unexplained agoraphobia - unexplained periods of exhaustion and unexplained stress....... my need for quiet  -- my need for solitude.

IF - and trust me it is a BIG IF - this empath is really a "thing" - is there a cure?? cause I really would like to stop feeling so painfully deeply..... stop seeing people's patterns/habits  -- stop feeling like I need to run and hide some days.