Tough Old Bird

I don't do that - ask for help - rarely.  I always said it was because I was a "tough old bird" but that was a lie  -- just one I tell myself and others frequently.  

The truth is I don't ask for help because I am sure people will say "no" ......... I don't ask for anything for myself - A N Y T H I N G - because I am sure people will say "no".

The Sadist said to me this week - that he never realized how fragile I was - I couldn't answer him - fragile is a BAD thing - no one wants someone who is fragile.  They want strong independent people...... don't let them see your soft underbelly -  be strong  - don't let them see your weakness.

Yesterday at a funeral for a dear friend who died suddenly wayyyy before her time - I had to walk away - find a little private space away from everyone - cause there was this big fracture in my strong facade.  A friend -  a dear friend - came towards me - and I said "DON'T" - and put my hand up to stop him from coming any closer ... and he turned and walked away - I wanted him to come and wrap his arms around me - and hold me - fragile HELL YES I was fragile - but I didn't/couldn't let him see me cry - see the fracture in the tough old bird facade.

Funny thing is I never managed to fool W - with the tough old bird facade.. EVER.  He was the one person in my entire life - who wouldn't accept it.... and i could cry with him - big ugly snotty nosed blotchy face crying jags... and he would just wrap his arms around me and hold me and rub my back -- and he would always say "everything is going to be fine" and he was (generally) always right.  Funny thing is -- he was the one person I always felt safe with -- didn't have to hide -- and I miss that comfort of knowing I didn't have to be the tough old bird........ and that I could ask for help.  He was the only one.............

Two weeks ago - at least - I was suspicious my cancer is back.  Angel knows - and I mentioned in passing to the other partner in my poly group - but begged her not to tell my poly amorous partner.  I didn't want him to know - didn't want him to think I couldn't handle this all by myself.   I want to be the fun girl - the one who doesn't "need" much - just visits once a week - just an email once a day - I won't be a problem I promise!!  I am strong - I am a tough old bird.  

Cause what if I do ask for help - and he says "no" then what??? 

BUT he said / did something yesterday that floored me.  He said he has seen how little i eat at munches - and put 3 containers on the table.  Protein mixes.  He told me how to use them - and said he wanted me to try them.  He told me that I had to have calories and proteins and all that other good stuff people get from food - to stop my body from eating away at my muscles.  He didn't push - he didn't do anything but leave the packets on the table and ask me quietly just to try them.

It's seems strange to me - but that one small act showed me he does care about me - what happens to me..... and I WILL try his protein shakes - I WILL !  

And before you all think I am fighting a very lonely battle - I'm NOT.  Angel is here for me - and I am even learning I can ask her for help - and she never says "No" to me - well not so far (small smile) and I gave her a "key" to my inner most darkest scariest thoughts....... because with her I don't have to be the tough old bird...... i can show her my underbelly - my weaknesses...

My goal ...............