Exhaustion

I spent yesterday at the lil townhouse supervising  the GOT JUNK team emptying the last of the clutter / junk.  Who knew something as easy as watching someone else work could be so exhausting.  Mind you - the franchise I got was a whole lot less than professional - in fact they were completely irritating to be honest.  (Head office has heard from me - and responded)

But then it has been an exhausting 5 days or so.  

I have one more major event on the "Moving Agenda" -  Friday signing the final papers. Last night just the thought of having to find my way to the notary's office (here only the buyer gets a notary - and they get to select him/her) had me shaking in my boots.  It just seemed all too much.  Guess who came riding in to rescue me??  W of course!!  He is gonna drive down, pick me up and take me!  I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Through all of this stress of moving I kept thinking come June I can coast till retirement.  I miscalculated a wee bit.  I don't get the cheque for the sale until June 5th - sooooooooo from June 5th to retirement I can coast........ it's all downhill from there!!  

The Moving Saga continues

My movers arrived on time on Friday and got the house packed up in record time.  So early in fact I was able to change my train ticket for one 4 hours earlier.  YAY!!  That gave W and I time to drop in on a munch Friday night - before heading home to bed (well bed for me)

Saturday morning right on schedule the movers arrived and unloaded the truck - set up the big furniture and were gone before lunch !!  That left the rest of Saturday and half of Sunday for me to unpack and set up the kitchen - AND - get most of the dining room organised.  Now if you could just find the dining room under all the empty boxes and bags of discarded wrapping paper.. le sigh

All that's left to unpack are the clothing wardrobes - god only knows where I am gonna find room to put my clothes (the cupboards are pathetic!!  You only notice how pathetic when you start trying to hang up clothes!!)  

W was an absolute doll (yeah yeah as a Sir he can still be a doll) helping me cope with the burning need to have everything done yesterday !!  He even started hanging pictures and curtains to make it feel more like home.

I got on the 2 o'clock train and headed back here to put in another BUSY week - cleaning up the townhouse (and throwing out the last of the junk ) and finally on Friday the signing of the papers.  I am a bit nervous something is gonna happen between now and my signature - but I am battling those demons.

5 more weeks - 25 more school days - and I get in the car for my last trip down the 401 (well last trip except for visits back here to see the kids!!)

Soon this moving saga will be done - and W and i can settle into "happily ever after" 

Sunday Sentiments

The First Leg of my New Journey

I am in limbo and I don't think I like it too much.

On Monday I packed up all the necessities - clothes for school - toiletries  - lap top - kindle - food stuffs - well you get the idea - and moved out of my lil townhouse and into eldest daughter's house for 6 weeks. 

Don't get me wrong - I love being with family - and daughter (I think) loves having me here.  It's just - well I am a guest - and it feels odd. 

Today the movers come and pack up the stuff moving to Kingston - and then tomorrow the truck and me will move on down the highway to Kingston - where I will have 24 hours IF I am lucky - to unpack as much as possible before I head back here on Sunday.

Next week I will clean out all the junk left - clean out the dust bunnies - sparkle the lil townhouse up a bit - and then next Friday I will sign all the papers necessary to actually finalize the sale.

And then I will have 4 weeks till I can load up all the odds and ends and head down the highway on the final leg of my journey - to my new city - my new home - my new life!

 

 

Pet Names

and no I am not talking about animal names....

 The other day I sent W a quickie email - and feeling a tad cheeky - I started it off with "Hi sweetie"  I think W had a stroke when he read it - that's all he talks about with me - or so I thought.

Today when I got home from work I went to read some blogs and was over on the Heron Clan where swan was talking about tingling down to her toes when she is called "baby"

I went to leave a comment and shock surprise!!  W had left one - and managed to work into it  how "someone" called him sweetie........ now if I didn't know better I would think W doesn't much like being called "sweetie"...... I'm not too sure I am gonna stop either... I might even add more pet names .............. gotta keep him on his toes right???

Moving Week

Well miss ashes is safely ensconced in Kingston with all her toys and blankets and food and food bowls and water bowls.  And has staked out her hidey hole and has practiced her "indignant" walk/look.  W and I had a wonderful last quiet weekend together.  We went to a rope workshop and a munch and even squeezed in some light gardening. 

I love the tree in the front yard................

 I dug out some weeds in the strange lil front garden..............

And then I got on the 2 o'clock train and came back to the mess that is now my empty shell of a home. I was kinda excited about camping out in my living room - between the boxes and mess.  My plan was to be up at the crack of dawn and get cracking on packing up the stuff I will take to eldest daughter's house for the next 6 weeks............ get the laundry done ........... sort out the last bits and pieces - and then lock the door and move myself off to peace and quiet at daughter's.

However - when I got home safe and sound - the mess surrounded me.  I stumbled around moving bits and pieces ............. then pulled out the bedding - made up the sofa into a bed............ pulled on my pj's and snuggled down really expecting to snuggle down and sleep.  Two hours after I closed my eyes - they popped open.  The sofa felt uncomfortable and lumpy - the wind and rain howled outside the picture windows bringing out the childhood fears of bogey men knocking on my window.

It was a long night 

Now I face a day of last minute sorting.......... washing laundry....I have to unplug the tvs ...and disconnect the computers.... and try and remember IF I have dotted all my "i's" and crossed all my "ts"

I am truly watching a tsunami crashing towards me - I just hope the life vest keeps my head above water.  

Sunday Sentiments

Post Party Report

I am sitting here in Kingston - in the dining room - looking out the window at sunshine (and lollipops) 

Thursday night went off without a hitch - unless you count my nearly backing out at the last minute.  Last minute being when W drove into the parking lot - and the nerves got the better of me and I started questioning WHY in god's name I had agreed to come!!  

But fortunately it went off well - the food was excellent - the speeches not too long or too boring or too sappy.  And I survived walking through all the tables up to the front of the hall - shaking hands with all the biggy wigs from the Board  receiving my retirement gift ......... and best of all I survived the photo shoot.  (Have I told you I HATE having my picture taken?????)

Wanna see my gift from the Board - huh do you??? It wasn't much of a surprise as months ago I received a pictorial list of gifts to choose from............... 

After all that excitement - Friday morning W and I were up at the crack of dawn to pack up lil miss ashes and all her "stuff" and move her permanently up here to Kingston.  

She has a hiding place under W's train table - on top of all the train supply boxes.  If she's not in there she is curled up at W's feet purring contentedly.  I figure by the time I get up here she will be right at home.  

I love it when a plan comes together :) 

Tonight

Yesterday W drove down.  

Tonight we are going to my Board retirement party.  (I am certainly hoping it won't be a Bored party - cheeky grin) But - yeah - the event that is gonna start a whirlwind of events in my life is tonight.  

I have my outfit picked out and am excited - who knew I would be excited to go to my very own retirement party -- certainly not me.   In fact originally I said I wouldn't go at all............ yet here I am preparing to go.  

Tomorrow I am not going to work - W and I are packing up lil miss ashes and moving her - lock stock and barrel - up to our new home in Kingston.  I will have a "quiet" weekend (if you can call a weekend that has a rope class AND a munch scheduled - quiet)  with them and then head home by train on Sunday.

Monday I am gonna clean up this house a wee bit - pack up everything I need till the end of June and move myself to my daughter's.  

Next Thursday the movers come and pack up my house and move it up to Kingston,

And the Friday after that I sign the deed of sale at the notary's and this part of my life will be almost over.  At that point I will have just 4 weeks till I lock my office door for the last time.

BUT

Tonight is the start - tonight is my official retirement party !!

Abuse vs. BDSM

A long long while ago I wrote a piece entitled Abuse vs. BDSM.  I thought perhaps it would be a good time to resurrect that piece.......

What is abuse?

The oxford dictionary defines abuse as "treating cruelly or violently - to speak in an insulting and offensive way".

Conservative estimates show statistics of 1 million women suffering nonfatal violence by an intimate each year.  Nearly 1 in 3 adult women will experience at least one physical assault during adulthood.

How to Recognise Domestic Abuse:

        - hitting, slapping, threatening.

        - forcing sexual acts.

        - isolation from family and friends.

        - constant drain on your finances.

        - constantly having to watch what you say.

        - you feel worthless.

        - you are blamed for all their misfortunes.

        - extreme jealousy.

        - inappropriate outbursts.

        - verbal behaviour of interrupting, threats, name calling.

        (Note: any or all of the above may be present in a relationship suffering from Domestic abuse)

How does Domestic Violence differ from BDSM??

- S/m is based on SAFE, SANE, CONSENSUAL:

Abuse is NOT negotiated.

- S/m is a controlled environment:

Abuse is an out of control environment.

- S/m has safe words to stop the scene:

Abuse does not use safe words

- the dominant looks out for the well being of the submissive :

Abusers do not care about the victim.

- both partners enjoy the exchange:

In Abuse no one is enjoying the exchange.

- S/m is about trust:

in an Abusive relationship there is no trust.

- S/m builds self esteem:

Abuse destroys self-esteem.

- S/m builds the spirit of the submissive:

An Abuser destroys the spirit of the victim.

- S/m there is mutual respect:

in Abusive relationships there is no respect.

Some final thoughts:

    - remember NO ONE has the right to abuse you.

    - you are not responsible for the violence.

    - you are also not alone - find support groups - find someone who can talk with you and advise you.

    - find out about shelters .

If you are a submissive woman, or man, confronted with abuse - remember you did not bring this on yourself! You showed your trust and submissiveness and what happened is that both your trust and your body were abused. You deserve to be helped and supported. And you have the right to be respected.

 "if thou dost ill, the joy fades, not the pains. If well, the pain doth fade, the joy remains." -Benjamin Franklin

note:  i am sorry for the spacing - but somehow taking the article from the format it was in and transferring it to blogger has somehow screwed up the formatting.  

Furthing the Discussion.....

A couple of days ago - I wrote a blog entry about discretion and how difficult it makes to get feedback on someone in the BDSM community.  

I received a few comments - that I think will add to the "discussion" 

A Lurker (cute nick by the way) said: 
"Should people ask for references when starting any relationship, considering living together or getting married? Is dating like that grace period where everyone is on their best behavior? What if marriage licences had probationary periods? Just some of the weird thoughts racing around in my head!"

 And Ordalie added:
 "when you meet someone you observe and listen and deduce what he/she's like. And that takes a bloody long time. You marry someone and it may take months or even years before you can finally judge if he/she was worthy of your trust."

I agree with A Lurker it isn't easy to start ANY relationship.  But there is one big difference between a 'vanilla' relationship and a BDSM 'relationship'.  You aren't looking to find someone to tie you up - beat you - cut you - stick needles into you - or light up your life with a little electricity play. 

Someone made an observation a while back - that the BDSM community is ripe to attract all sorts of abusers/stalkers/lunatics in the guise of a Dom/Master.   We really do have to pay close attention to the people we are interested in - or who are interested in us.... and we have to reign in the frenzy that over takes us when we start out on this journey....... wanting everything NOW.

And Ordalie - yes you are right too.  All the references and vetting in the world doesn't mean you are not gonna discover some faults in the person you hook up with... absolutely not.  All I hope for - for folks looking - is that they have the months and years to find the other's faults :) 

Feeling Blessed

I had an upside down topsy turvy weekend.  Saturday was spent sorting and more sorting and more sorting......... will it ever be over??? I cried and felt sorry for myself.

But Sunday - now Sunday was a day I will never forget.........not because it was Mother's Day so much (I don't much believe in Mother's day - one day to celebrate our Mothers???? (nah..my dad had it right - every day should be a celebration of our loved ones)  But because in all the snapping of pictures - of grand kids climbing up and over me and daughters getting into it......... I have one picture - one perfect picture of my girls and my grand kids and me ........ all wrapped up together.  A memory to last a life time.

Reminicing

I am pretty sure almost everyone has seen/read the above "Hallmark type saying".  I know I have - and I know I have read it - thought 'sappy' and moved on.

My mom died about 17 years ago (give or take a year) from cancer.  For the last 3 months of her life I drove to Kingston every Friday when work finished and drove back on Sunday night.  For the 2 days I was with her - I made her meals - sat with her - watched tv with her - let the nurses in  - and sat some more.  Notice I didn't say talk - we didn't talk much - not because of the cancer but because she was angry with me.  I had left my husband and filed for divorce.  HELL if I had known she was gonna die so quickly from the cancer (less than a year) I wouldn't have told her. 

At the end (the last weekend she was alive) she had me put her wedding rings back on and tell the family who came with a minister - that she would NOT take communion.  I always got the tough jobs - even as a kid growing up. 

The rings didn't want to go on her hand - she was so swollen from the cancer eating her and the drugs they had her on - I had to use vaseline to get them to finally slide on.  The doctor when he popped in to see her asked "who put Ruth's rings on?" I thought he was gonna yell at me.  Her ring finger was turning blue.  But no - He smiled at me and said "She wants to be ready to meet your dad again".  

Later when the family arrived with the minister - she allowed them to sit around her bed... she allowed them to pray and to talk to her - BUT when the minister said he thought it was a good idea to do communion - she turned her head and gave me that look.  THAT LOOK....... I knew it - I bet almost every kid knows the "Mom look" the one that says 'this had better stop NOW'   I spoke up - I said "I don't think communion is a good idea - I don't think Mom wants it".  Everyone looked at me like I had grown two heads.  Then they all looked at Mom  - she had closed her eyes.  I will never know if she did it on purpose or not - but shortly after, she went into a comma. So the communion was never served.  I have often wondered why she didn't want communion..... she was a religious person ...... I just knew that I would do what she wanted ........ because she was MOM.

Things were done in those last few months of her life that hurt me deeply.  I swore I would never forgive her - or forget.  

Well it's been 17 years or so....... I haven't forgotten - and I guess in some ways I haven't forgiven her either.  

Over these past few weeks that I have been sorting my house - doling out bits of family history to my girls - my mom has been in my ear again - retelling me the stories of the wine glasses - the bell - the desk - everything.  I have heard her as clear as if she was standing beside me.  And it made it all the more important to pass on the stories of our family history.

And last night as I sat in a house devoid of most of what has made it my lil home - I remembered my mom........ and how she cried every time she had to pack up a house and move on.  To her, her house was a part of her...... she couldn't bear to leave it...... even though a bigger /nicer house was calling to her.  I thought how different she and I were/are.  I feel nothing for the four walls that I have called home for the last 12 years.  It is truthfully just a building - not even mine anymore.  A new house calls me - and I will make that my lil home for the next however many years.

Last night Mom came to visit me.......... and I couldn't deny the memories that were streaming back.  Mom with her love of hats - always stuffed with tissue paper cause no matter how hard she tried - she could never find one to fit her head.  Mom who was OCD and washed her kitchen floor nearly every day.  Mom who lost a lens from her sunglasses and didn't even notice - and got mad at my brother and I when we fell over in gales of laughter every time we looked at her (one unprotected eye peering out at us from the frame of the glasses)  Mom who went bike riding with my Dad on a nature trail in Toronto - faithfully following just behind him.  When he hit a bad pot hole and went over the handle bars of his bike - she rode on (I can see her doing it - straight back - eyes forward - stiff as a board) and rode over him as he lay in the path.  Mom who just HAD to have the pine cones from a tree in South Carolina - a souvenir for me if memory serves me right - and she (unbelievable as it sounds) hoisted my dad up to grab the branch and knock the cones down.  She got so flustered when the cones rained down on top of her - she let go of my dad and he fell to the ground.  (we used to joke that she had a plan to "off" him ) Oh there are so many stories of Mom - how we used to laugh over her antics - all innocent - all a bit mom-ish.  

It seems after all these years she still holds my heart.  And on this Mother's Day Sunday I realize I miss her more than I ever thought possible.  

Pitter Patter

 On Thursday I opened an email from W with the subject line saying"photo" I figured it was a bondage picture or a bruised ass or something like that.............. 

EXCEPT 

it wasn't.  

This is what I found in the email from W.  Honestly he makes my knees go weak and my heart go pitter patter.

References

We spend a good part of our adult life either asking for references - or supplying them.  Think about it for a minute - we need references when we are hiring someone  - or applying for a job - we need references when we are looking for a service - I - in the last 8 months - have required references from real estate people and movers...... It is a part of life.

So why then do we fail so miserably at asking for references when it comes to BDSM??  Why do we feel we are infringing (somehow ) on someone's privacy.  Breaking some unwritten rule on being discrete? 

When we don't ask for references we are looking for trouble.  There is a strong possibility we are gonna land up in trouble.  There is a strong possibility we are gonna land up trying to wiggle out of some uncomfortable (at best) or dangerous (at worst) situation.

People !!  There is a big difference between gossiping about someone and answering smart questions from someone.  BIG difference.

As some of you might have noticed - I am in the process of starting a group in Kingston for all those that identify as a bottom or sub or slave (we are struggling with a name that will be inclusive!! If you have a suggestion I am all ears!!) One of the first topics that came up at our very first meeting was "how can one be discrete AND give references ?"   In some areas discretion seems to hold more importance (in my humble opinion) than being safe.  

If I am holding a party at W's house - I want to make sure the people I am inviting are safe.  We are new to the community - and certainly in my case - all the names and faces run together in a massive parade of strangers.  I desperately need guidance and help figuring out who is who - who can be trusted and who can't.   Guess what I run up against - time and time again???  "Oh ........... well.............. ummmmmm..... we can't talk about him/her/it because we have been sworn to secrecy "  0k ok they don't say secrecy but they do throw the word "discretion" around a lot.  

There has been some talk - a small amount granted - about "vetting" and my ears perked up when I saw the mumblings.  However - no sooner had this talk started than it seemed to shut down.  I went looking for the few comments that had popped up...... and one caught my eye.  Someone posted that though it was a good article - the best way to "vet" someone was using your instincts.......... watching them at munches - at play parties and coming to your own conclusion.

Wrong answer !!

People are generally on their best behaviour when they are getting to know you.......... Think about that 6 month grace time when you are evaluating a new employee - or when you are the new employee.  Are you going to let your true colours show through OR are you going to do the very best job possible to impress so you keep the job?  DUH!!

So - references play an important role in finding out about the inner person - the other side of this person.  

I worry about anyone who pooh poohs references - who puts little value on references - makes me wonder what they have to hide.  know what I mean??? If someone wanted to "vet" me - I would be very glad to give out a slew of names (with permission of course) of real people who know me real time - who might have even played with my cute lil ass a time or two.  I have nothing to hide......... hell if you find out I can be a bit of a brat - a bit stubborn - a bit cheeky - all the better - that's who I am !! 

Be very wary of someone who stresses discretion over disclosure.  Be wary of someone who insists you don't need references.  Be wary of someone who is trying to keep you isolated from the truth.  

Only YOU can make sure YOU are safe........ only YOU !! 

 

 

Before the sun rises

This was another one of those "up before the sun rises" days....... 
It would seem I am having a lot of those these days - or barely sleeping at all... It is all very exhausting.

But I do seem to do my best thinking/planning in the early morning darkness....

This morning's topic of thought was - how people seem to be worried about my retiring - how they seem to think I will be bored - or get depressed - or some such thing.  

I was talking to W in the car about it on Sunday (coming home from the House Warming Party) ....... People told me when my last daughter left home that I would suffer from the empty nest syndrome.  They kept saying "EVERYONE suffers from it - in one degree or another".  They were wrong.  I had planned for and lived for that day almost from the day the babies were born.  I figured if I had done a good job as a MOM then they would leave the nest and be independent - that was my main goal - to raise independent women!!  So no I didn't suffer at all - in any form - from empty nest syndrome - I celebrated this new chapter in all our lives.

Well it's a bit like that with retirement.  I have worked for over 20 years - giving everything I have to the job........ and I do mean EVERYTHING!!  My goal is/ was to do the best damn job I could do.  My goal was to work till I dropped - or retired - which ever came first (I think they might collide and actually happen together - the dropping and the retiring - but I digress) 

I have no qualms about this decision to retire.  I am so ready to embrace it and all it entails.  I do have plans - loosely sketched plans of what I will do.......... I am rather excited about the thought of days and weeks stretching ahead of me - with no plans - no schedules - only hours to fill.  Do you know how many books I have to read or want to read??? Do you have any idea how many courses I would like to take to satisfy a need in me - not some need for filling my head with information to do my job - but for filling my head with new skills and new thrills and new adventures?  Do you know how many recipes I want to try out - how many gardens / flowers I want to plant ??

I am NOT a teacher !  I am NOT a mother!  I am NOT a submissive!  I am NOT an old woman !  I am a little bit of each......... and I will celebrate the wholeness of me.  

Retirement will NOT be an ending - but rather an exciting new beginning ........ an adventure .......... a new Journey to take.............. 

 

Space the final theme

Yeah I know it is supposed to be "final frontier" BUT my final theme of my career has been space.

The kids have had a great time building murals - creating their own planets - and various alien forms. 

I just thought that for today I would share some of their efforts ...

 Their Outer Space Mural

Our space ship - and some aliens just hanging around

 

 Our other aliens watching over us

Our mural wall with more aliens

 

Think Aliens were a big hit??? 

 

And now we coast till June and the end of the year - lots of soccer and skipping and games in the sunshine.