Friday, May 10, 2013


We spend a good part of our adult life either asking for references - or supplying them.  Think about it for a minute - we need references when we are hiring someone  - or applying for a job - we need references when we are looking for a service - I - in the last 8 months - have required references from real estate people and movers...... It is a part of life.

So why then do we fail so miserably at asking for references when it comes to BDSM??  Why do we feel we are infringing (somehow ) on someone's privacy.  Breaking some unwritten rule on being discrete? 

When we don't ask for references we are looking for trouble.  There is a strong possibility we are gonna land up in trouble.  There is a strong possibility we are gonna land up trying to wiggle out of some uncomfortable (at best) or dangerous (at worst) situation.

People !!  There is a big difference between gossiping about someone and answering smart questions from someone.  BIG difference.

As some of you might have noticed - I am in the process of starting a group in Kingston for all those that identify as a bottom or sub or slave (we are struggling with a name that will be inclusive!! If you have a suggestion I am all ears!!) One of the first topics that came up at our very first meeting was "how can one be discrete AND give references ?"   In some areas discretion seems to hold more importance (in my humble opinion) than being safe.  

If I am holding a party at W's house - I want to make sure the people I am inviting are safe.  We are new to the community - and certainly in my case - all the names and faces run together in a massive parade of strangers.  I desperately need guidance and help figuring out who is who - who can be trusted and who can't.   Guess what I run up against - time and time again???  "Oh ........... well.............. ummmmmm..... we can't talk about him/her/it because we have been sworn to secrecy "  0k ok they don't say secrecy but they do throw the word "discretion" around a lot.  

There has been some talk - a small amount granted - about "vetting" and my ears perked up when I saw the mumblings.  However - no sooner had this talk started than it seemed to shut down.  I went looking for the few comments that had popped up...... and one caught my eye.  Someone posted that though it was a good article - the best way to "vet" someone was using your instincts.......... watching them at munches - at play parties and coming to your own conclusion.

Wrong answer !!

People are generally on their best behaviour when they are getting to know you.......... Think about that 6 month grace time when you are evaluating a new employee - or when you are the new employee.  Are you going to let your true colours show through OR are you going to do the very best job possible to impress so you keep the job?  DUH!!

So - references play an important role in finding out about the inner person - the other side of this person.  

I worry about anyone who pooh poohs references - who puts little value on references - makes me wonder what they have to hide.  know what I mean??? If someone wanted to "vet" me - I would be very glad to give out a slew of names (with permission of course) of real people who know me real time - who might have even played with my cute lil ass a time or two.  I have nothing to hide......... hell if you find out I can be a bit of a brat - a bit stubborn - a bit cheeky - all the better - that's who I am !! 

Be very wary of someone who stresses discretion over disclosure.  Be wary of someone who insists you don't need references.  Be wary of someone who is trying to keep you isolated from the truth.  

Only YOU can make sure YOU are safe........ only YOU !! 




  1. A. Lurker12:25 pm

    Hi Again, Morningstar,
    This post made me wonder about some other things. Should people ask for references when starting any relationship, considering living together or getting married? Is dating like that grace period where everyone is on their best behavior? What if marriage licences had probationary periods? Just some of the weird thoughts racing around in my head!

    (PS Remember that rule about "I before E except after C . . ." ? Isn't it weird that "weird" doesn't follow the rule?)


  2. Ordalie12:04 am

    I may be mistaken but as I see no difference between a bottom and a sub, you might forge a new word: subslave. I know, that's hardly a gem.

    Now about your post: the Lurker is right,when you meet someone you observe and listen and deduce what he/she's like. And that takes a bloody long time. You marry someone and it may take months or even years before you can finally judge if he/she was worthy of your trust.
    I can't really see how you will manage, I only hope for your sake you're not driving right into a wall.

  3. It's so interesting that we're always tossing around "discretion" when it comes to getting to know other kinksters.

    If it were me trying to figure out who had reputations that had been locked in the proverbial closets, instead of asking directly, i'd ask questions like "would you invite X over to a small gathering at your home?" Seems like people are a little more realistic about safety when their homes are the theoretical event center... That's just my two cents...though i wish we (as in the kink community) were more direct to begin with.


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