A little warning.........

HAPPY HAUNTING EVERYONE!!

Blow hard

Well Sandy huffed and puffed - but didn't blow me down.  

I don't know if I have ever talked about my irrational fear of wind but I have it......... so last night was a bit of a white knuckle evening for me.  I had candles at the ready - I cooked up enough food to feed an army - I found the flashlight - I hiked up the heat to get the house good and warm -  the lights didn't even flicker - not once.  (thank god!!)

I was stressing a little bit about W who had spent the day visiting with friends and was only driving home in the evening.  But when he stopped for supper he sent me a quick email saying it wasn't too bad a drive - and when I got up this morning there was an email saying he had arrived home safe and sound.

Now the weather forecast for the rest of the week isn't good....... lots of windy days - and rain - but nothing too threatening. 

 I am still stressing though.  I have a trip planned for 50 kids on Thursday.  We are off to pick "popcorn".  Yes you heard that right POPCORN!!!  A farm about 30 minutes from the school - out on the Island where I used to live - grows a special kind of corn on the cob.  You pick it - throw the corn cob in a brown paper bag - put it in a microwave - cook on high for about 3-5 minutes and all the kernels POP off the cob.  Sounds like fun right???!!  The kids are all keyed up about this trip.  

AND - 

it's supposed to rain.  How much fun will it be picking popcorn and running through a corn maze in the rain???!!!  BUT how much fun will it be to be stuck in school dreaming about the missed adventure.  UGH sometimes I HATE my job!!  I am hoping between now and Thursday the forecast does an about face.  I am hoping dear Sandy - frankenstorm - loops her way out of our area and the trip can go off with only a small amount of water drizzling over our day. 

It would be nice if just one thing could go off without problems this year........ just one thing......... is it too much to ask???  

 

broken?

It should have been a fantastic weekend - W was down - my kids had my birthday celebration - we visited with friends - ate Sunday dinner out - It should have been a fantastic weekend.

BUT it wasn't.

I seem to be on this constant downward spiral - and yes I know as long as I think about it - give in to it - it won't change.  I know that !!!  Now if someone can find the magic button to stop this downward spiral I would push it in an instant.

Even sex didn't work this weekend - didn't work as in "it's broke - it don't work anymore"............. and yeah I am guessing it is cause my mental state is going from bad to worse - maybe even to worst-est. But it eats at me - ya know.  The one thing I have felt good about is - I was always "on" when it came to sex - any type of sex - soft sex - rough sex - upside down sex...... didn't matter I always wanted it - needed it - craved it.  

And W tried - god how he tried ......... and it didn't work - It felt good - but let's just say I didn't quite make the grade........... "it's broke - it don't work anymore"

Something has to give soon............. has to............ cause honestly I don't know how much longer I can just muddle along like this................ 

Sunday Sentiments

Aftermath

I had a blog lined up to post at 5 this morning.  It was entitled the truth - nothing but the truth.  And was written during a moment of total angst and almost total depression.  

But somewhere between 7 pm last evening and 5 am this morning - I put that entry back into draft mode.

Cause ya see...... it just didn't seem appropriate to post something SO blue the day after my upbeat birthday post.  Cause yesterday was upbeat.  W sent me flowers - to work - and everyone was jealous - my principal was out for the entire day which was the best present she could have given me - the older kids (all 200+ of them ) sang "happy birthday" to me at noon....... my 3 grandkids phoned me at supper time and sang "happy birthday" to me and blew me kisses - I swear the baby's drool came through the phone lines (oh wait - that may have been the tear trickling down my cheek)

Yesterday was an awesome day (as the kids say "aweeeeeeeeeesome!") 

So it just didn't seem right to post such a downer today.  

That is not to say the down is gone - it isn't.  It's just on the back burner for now..... bubbling away - trying to get my attention.......... and I am trying VERY hard to ignore it......... at least on the day after a bubbly bright day.

October 25th

Today is my birthday.

Most years I try and hide from it - ignore it - pretend the 25th of October does NOT happen. 

Mostly because for many many years everyone seemed to forget the day - and it just got easier (so much easier) to pretend - to not expect anything - to not want anything.  

I also didn't want solicited birthday greetings.  They seemed to be polite responses to my declaration "It's my birthday today" ...... and I hate polite / socially acceptable responses.

A few years ago when I was hitting the BIG one.......... I almost ran away - definitely had a mid life crisis over it........ 

Now - this year - I am thinking - besides moving to Kingston to retire (my dream for almost 30 years) I am also doing what I always said I would do - and that is taking early retirement.  


It seems that this birthday isn't so hard to face.  This birthday brings with it a promise of much better things to come.    I did do something right over all these years - I have found my place in the sun (so to speak) and I have found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with....... and after so many years apart - we will be together - finally!  

So yes ........... today is my birthday......... and it doesn't matter that I will spend it alone - it is a good day......... with hope for better ones to come.

just my opinion

I read a line on swan's blog - over on the Heron Clan - where she said   "I come here, day by day (or week by week) and write drivel about justice and joy... Because the stats tell me that this blog is dying. Dying from lack of interest. Dying because the very reason for it to exist has vanished. Dying because I have nothing at all left to say about D/s or M/s or BDSM, or love, or family, or anything much at all."

 and anyone who tries to write day after day about M/s or D/s or babies or cooking or whatever the hell they write about have times when they feel they have nothing of importance to say - or nothing new to say - or are boring everyone to death,

hell I have been there many times.  If you notice I don't write about much of anything any more.  Just the joys and sorrows of moving .... of commuting 3 hours each way every weekend...i don't even write too much about work anymore.

But I still write - because I have words that demand to come out .... and what better place to babble on..... yeah sometimes I do wonder why I bother to write - no one much comments - my numbers are way down.... 

BUT 

the words come and I come here.

I am wondering - if for the most part - blogs are going out of fashion........  many of the blogs that once were are no more - everything goes out of fashion eventually - though some things do come back ............. ebb and flow right? And - as with writing blogs - reading them might be going out of fashion too........ right??

I don't know where I was trying to go with this blog entry......... maybe I was just trying to fill a page............ BUT I do know as long as the words come spilling out of me - I will write here - and if reading blogs is going out of style - so be it.  I will probably still be writing the day the ghouls and ghosts come to take me off to my St Andrew's Cross on the other side.

Snippet

We were all walking back to our cars ....(after fort fright night) ....making our way up a hill on the side of the fort - all of us oldies but goodies walking a tad slower on leaving then when we arrived.

A couple walked just in front of me - talking quietly .... and I overheard her saying "when we get home I want to curl up on the sofa and relax" and he asked " with your feet in my lap" and her answer " definitely with my feet in your lap".  He then hurried ahead to get the car and bring it to her....... and they drove off waving goodbye.  

Days later I remembered that snippet of conversation - and a picture of them came to mind - the two of them curled up on the sofa with her feet in his lap....... and I smiled.  

We all have little "things" we do - that bring us comfort and make us feel loved.

Le Weekend

I didn't just take *A* day off - I took the whole weekend off.......... and boy was it a good choice!!  

By Friday noon we looked like we were in the middle of some tropical storm - heavy winds and rain.  By the time I left work - the rain was so heavy I could barely see the hood of my car!!  All I kept thinking was "damn I am glad I am not driving through this on the highway"

Friday evening found me in my snuggly pjs curled up on the sofa barely able to keep my eyes open.  All I wanted was to sleep and sleep and sleep............. of course I woke up at 4 am on Saturday!!  Who the hell wakes up at 4 am on a Saturday??!!!  (besides those that work I mean) 

My plan was to spend the entire weekend in my pjs on the sofa - doing absolutely nothing.  

Except 

I really haven't done groceries in about 4 weeks - and trust me when I say the cupboard was about as bare as Old Mother Hubbard's. (for you young ones - check Mother Hubbard on Google! - I am feeling cranky and old ) 

So I pulled on some jeans and trudged off to do some shopping.  One of the "mission impossible" jobs I had on my list was to find a matching lamp for the bedroom lamp I currently I have.  It is (in my mind) oriental looking -  in shades of beige and brown and will fit beautifully into the new bedroom in Kingston. BUT I needed one more (hey I was single when I bought this one - who knew I was gonna eventually need 2??!!)  Luck was on my side - the store where I bought the original one at least a year ago - had about 6 left - and they were on sale !!!  So I snapped one up and gloated all the way out of the store.

I picked up some groceries ........ and came home.

I didn't put the snuggly pjs back on - but I did curl up on the sofa and spent the afternoon and evening watching football - with missy curled up beside me purring away (she misses me when I am gone on weekends)

During the half time show (I hate half time shows in football - it's like one longgggg advertisement!!) I figured it was time to squeeze some personal grooming into the lazy schedule.  

Personal grooming as in shaving my pussy ............. I don't think I have done that since I last bought groceries....... it was a BUSH !!!  and ugly ......... believe it or not I went through 2 blades hacking it off........ but I am pleased to say that I finished the job and am now nice and clean and pink again.  And during the second half of the football game I even managed to give myself a manicure.

W went to a munch and an "after munch party" Saturday night - and yeah I admit I was a little bit jealous - I would have enjoyed going........ but realized I enjoyed being lazy even more!!!

Sunday was more of the same - lazy day curled up on the sofa - only no football games to watch.  I did manage to get about 4 loads of laundry done - my supply of clothing was about as low as my supply of food....... 

And now here it is Monday again - and I am more or less ready to face the maddening crowds and stress of work for another week.

Just saying...........

yup - just saying is all.........

simple gesture

Last weekend - after the fright night at the Fort - we all went off to Tim Horton's for coffee. 

I was tired at that point - feeling weird from the frights- feeling a little outta my element - feeling a wee bit shy........ and W got out of the car (as he normally does) and started to walk towards the restaurant.  I was hurrying to catch up (as I normally do) and he stopped, waited for me, and then took my hand. And right then as his hand entwined with mine I felt a warmth spread through my body.  

Hands are an important - busy - part of the body.  They feed - they work - they build - they destroy - they are essential to the body.  The simple gesture of holding hands means (in my mind) you are no longer an individual - you are joined to another. In that brief moment when W held my hand - I no longer had to face things alone - we would face them together.

And when W held my hand - he held so much more............ he held my heart.

Forever Seeking Information

A while back I received an email telling me how this person had read some of my blogs and found it very interesting - BUT - she wanted me to send her other information sites about BDSM.  Life got busy (continued to be busy?) and I didn't answer her email.  

Then I got to thinking about her request.

Then I got a little bitchy (ok ok maybe a whole lot bitchy)

There is this really nifty tool on the web  called search engines.......... and trust me they work really well.  You can type anything - and I do mean ANYTHING - into them and you will find multiple sites with answers to your questions.  

Also - when it comes to BDSM - I tend to shy away from recommending any one site....... I do not know the people personally who write them.  I do not know if they have ever done anything BDSM related in real life.  Fifty Shades of Grey is a good example of someone writing fiction - and everyone getting all excited about it....... yet it holds very little truth.

I have always maintained the best education is found in real life.  There are more than enough workshops and trainings and events in most major cities to fill your calendar.  There are munches filled with "experts" glad to show you the ropes.  

I totally shy away from teaching this lifestyle to anyone - for one very simple reason.  The way W and I do things is unique.  The way you will do BDSM will be unique to you.  Who am I to teach you???? No one ......... just a little submissive at the end of a keyboard.

However having said all that ........ I do have a couple of sites if that person is still interested....... or if any of you want information on some aspect of BDSM.  I do not endorse any of these sites.  It is up to YOU and only YOU to decide if they have any value.


Click the links to go to their sites........... 

Submissive Loving

Submissive Guide

Leather and Roses

Scaredy Cat

As long as I can remember I hated scary movies .. scary television shows.. haunted houses...any thing that went bump in the night.

And as long as I can remember I watched scary movies .. scary television shows and went through haunted houses and then spent sleepless nights frightened to death of things that went bump in the dark.

So when W told me that the old fort was holding a "fright night" I had to go !!!  There was a whole group of "kinksters" going to go...........and one couple contacted us to see if we wanted to do dinner at the Pirate's Den (in the fort) before hand.

Supper didn't live up to the hype............... but the Fort.......... well.........it was truthfully a total work of art.............. a group of folks turned old Fort Henry into a haunted fort - complete with ghosts and ghouls and vampires and things that go bump in the night.


(please note that all the pictures were taken with a flash - it was MUCH worse in real life - the whole fort was lit by flickering torches - which made everything spookier and scarier)

I was doing ok at the beginning as we entered rooms and saw the skeletons playing chess - I was fascinated how they got the chess pieces to move... there was lots of moaning and groaning... it was amusing to put it mildly.

In one room they had a real coffin that you were invited to climb into .. and then a ghoul shut the lid and let you imagine what it would be like to be buried alive (definitely NOT something I was game to try)

Then we went into the fort jail - I think - and we were peering through the barred doors and seeing more animated skeletons and ghouls - when one of the "dead soldiers" jumped up and grabbed the bars............. HONEST TO GOD I nearly wet my pants !!!  and that was it for me - I hung on to W for dear life and hid behind him and was scared to turn a corner for fear of someone jumping out at me............. 

And then we walked into a room............. and met this sweet lil  ghoul who made me jump and squeal and shake. 

She took great pleasure in stalking me............ I never knew when she was gonna appear at my shoulder...........it was truly nerve wracking.  Most of the group was not all that impressed with the show.  They just weren't in touch with their inner scaredy cat that's all !! 


I did solve the mystery as to what happens to old submissives though......... 

May there be a St. Andrew's cross with my name on it when the ghosts and ghouls come to get me.................

Exhausted

I had every intention of writing a wonderful blog entry about our weekend - but truthfully I feel as though I have hit the proverbial wall............. 

I'll be back I promise - as soon as I can put two words together and make sense.

Sunday Sentiments

ok - don't know about you folks - but after this past week - I needed a smile

Hard Day

Yesterday was an extremely stressful hard day.  By the time I came home I honestly didn't know which way to turn...... every avenue looked blocked or closed to me.  It was the worst night in a long time.

Today going back into school - my heart pounded - hard - felt like it was gonna jump out of my chest.

But I survived the first 3 1/2 hours and have only another couple of hours to go before I can jump in the car and "run away".  

I wanted this final year to be my swan song (so to speak) I wanted to go out with a bang............ unfortunately the "bang" isn't quite the bang I had counted on........ and sadly this year that was supposed to be filled with joyful "lasts" has turned into a grind my teeth and white knuckle my way through.......... 

9 1/2 months to go.

Just doing some thinkin'

Last night I was reading some blogs and popped into kaya's blog where she was discussing a chicken pot pie she made. Right towards the end she mentioned that He Himself thought it was good enough to put into the menu rotation.  

That got me thinking... well remembering actually.  When I was a young working mother I used to have a menu schedule - complete with shopping list/ingredients.  When I stuck to the "rotation" life ran very smoothly... I didn't have to "think" about what to make for dinner - the decision had already been made.

That got me thinking about how - since I have been living alone - I eat whatever is on hand.. there isn't any real planning - and a lot of the time I will have a bowl of soup or a sandwich for dinner.   Pasta is another big favourite cause it is easy to throw together.  

And then I got thinking about when I move to Kingston - how I would like to be organised and have a "menu rotation" and  how I will once again enjoy making meals - cause I will have someone to make them for........... meat loaf - chicken pot pie - roasts - casseroles

And then I got thinking about how everyone used to say (way back when ) that I was a good cook - but messy......... very messy.   

I am looking forward to menu planning / shopping for all the ingredients - maybe not the cleaning up afterwards - thank god for dishwashers!!  (mumbling - and W said I didn't need a dishwasher!).

Busy Weekend

We had a very busy 3 days - cause it was Canadian Thanksgiving dontcha know and I got 3 whole days in Kingston with W!!

When I got off the train W scooped up my bags and threw the bags and me in the car - we dashed home to pick up the potluck and headed off to the discussion group - only arriving 15 minutes late.  YAY us !!!  

Saturday we were up at the crack of dawn and I had to do my "homework" (measuring the kitchen and drawing floor plans) for the reno companies we were gonna be visiting with during the day.  We spent virtually all of Saturday - going from one cabinet maker to the other giving them our floor plans - looking at cabinets/counters and discussing possibilities for the kitchen.  (Have I whined enough about how there is no kitchen in this house???? 3 cabinets and about 2 feet of counter space and that's it !! lots of room just looks as though no one bothered to finish the damn thing !!)  In between times we managed to stop and buy new light fixtures for the kitchen and the master bedroom and one spot light to go outside over the house number (they don't have any light near the house number - how in god's name anyone could find the house in the dark is a mystery to me!!)

Sunday I decided that I couldn't stand the front windows any more - and dragged out the cleaning stuff and washed the two big front windows and the dining room window and now the sun shines in brightly and we can see the fall colours in the trees across the street.  I swept the floors and dusted some of the furniture.  

Sunday afternoon found me over the foot stool with ass in the air getting a whipping......... And then off to the showers cause W was taking me out for Thanksgiving dinner (cooking a turkey in our non-existent kitchen was "mission impossible" - at least for this year) 

Monday found me quiet and probably in W's mind a bit sullen.  But I was dreading leaving him - and our little home in Kingston......... but leave him I did after lunch and headed back to the mayhem that seems to be my life now here.

 It was a busy weekend but we checked off a lot of the boxes of things that must get done........ which is a good feeling!!!


On the train home I decided (executive decision - I love making executive decisions - though I am guessing those are gonna come to a sudden end once June arrives and I move permanently up to Kingston) to take this coming Friday afternoon off and head back up to Kingston.  

There has been a lot of hype about something called "Fright Night at the Fort".  There is an old Fort in Kingston - Fort Henry if anyone is really interested - and apparently every October they run Fright Nights at the Fort.  From what I can gather - you take a tour of the naturally dark fort at night - and encounter all sorts of ghosts from days gone by.  I am SO looking forward to it!!!  I hope it lives up to the hype.

Hard Harder Hardest

 It's getting harder and harder to say goodbye to W on Sunday and come home 

I start missing him before my eyes are open on Sunday morning - and my heart is breaking as I pick up my suitcase and leave............. 

This is turning out to be the hardest year of my life.

Spark

On Friday night when I get to Kingston - W and I are off to a discussion group.  (Kingston is nothing if not an educating sort of community)  The discussion is on BDSM terminology.  I read that - I am sure there is more of an explanation - but truthfully that's all that stayed with me.  It's a good topic.... because truthfully if you are new to the community you can get totally and completely bogged down by all the terminology.

And that discussion topic got me to thinking about "bottoms" and "subs" and "slaves" And that got me to thinking about my short period bottoming for two Tops a few years ago.

It was great fun - lots of play every single weekend - lots and lots of play.  Play after play after play.  And then when the play was over - we went our separate ways.  And as much as I tried to convince myself they cared about me - these two tops didn't ...... not really.  They had their life to return to...... their money problems - their jobs - their kids.  And I had my own life - my own money problems - my own job - my own kids.

It took me awhile to figure some things out....... (I am a slow learner) 

I learned I can not be a bottom - not a play thing - not a thing at all.  I have way too many emotions and feelings and needs to be a "thing"........ simply a bottom to beat.  

I learned that no matter how much fun the play/pain is..... I need a connection - a spark - between the "Top" and myself.   OH people were blown away by the "show" we could put on........ and at times it was very sensual.  The problem was - the sensuality ended when the whips and floggers were put away....... and I was left dangling.  I needed a connection after the play - I needed to feel the soft gentle caresses that would ultimately ground me again - and make me know/feel that I was cared for and cared about.  

And I learned that - despite how glorious it all looked on the outside to the onlookers - my heart longed for the man that had been more than a "Top" who had been my "Sir" ....... who knew me ....... knew my body better than just about anyone. The man who could cause sparks with a gentle tug on my hair - or by a certain look - or a simple beckoning with his hand.  

Sparks in a relationship - a bonding - a connection - are so important (at least for me) Without them - all that happens in front of others - in the public eye - is just a good show (or not so good a show) 

I am glad I am back with the man - with W - the man who can spark my life with fun, adventure, sensuality, and pain.

Gimme Gimme Gimme

I don't understand something ......... I really don't

For the last 5 weeks I have had my lil house up on the market.  I have had 3 offers.  I have turned down the 3 offers ....... why?? because I don't get it..... I really don't.  The last one is the BEST example.  She "really" loves this house - doesn't want any other house..... just this one.  BUT she also doesn't want to pay a fair price for it ...... and she wants more and more and more...

Let me explain. 

She comes in with a very low bid...... ok that I get - everyone tries right??? BUT .. not only does she come in very low she wants me to a) pay for the entire new roof and b) guarantee that there will be no extensions on the payment for the roof - OR - other out of pocket expenses.  Excuse me??!!!

In my world - you base your offer around the cost of the roof (which is factored into the monthly association fees) So if the roof is 7,000$ you subtract 7,000$ from your offer.  Simple as that.  in my mind.  You don't come in with an offer and then say PLUS I want you to pay me 7,000 for the roof.  WTF???!!!

I even had one offer that did the exact same thing ............ AND....... (are you ready for this one??) wanted me to throw in all my furnishings!!


Then I spent Monday sitting in a workshop / training on teaching children to take responsibility ............. ahhhhhhh excuse me??? if the parents don't get it why would the kids??? 

It just seems to me that people are saying "gimme gimme gimme" and taking ....... off the backs of hard working honest people who pay their bills and take responsibility for what they want.  

I don't get it........ I honestly don't.

 

Fairy Tale

Once upon a time .......... a long long time ago.......... I left everything I knew to start a new life.  At that time I believed the fairy tale that we would live happily ever after.  But the wicked witch kicked me to the street and left me shivering in the cold of the harsh real world...

Twenty years later and I still haven't fully recovered financially (or it would seem emotionally) from that fairy tale.

And I am so scared - it frightens me (does that make sense?)  All the what if's keep running through my mind....... waking me up at night in cold sweats... my world as I know it is coming to an end....... by my hand... my planning...and  I am gonna step off the edge of my world and hope against hope that there will be something to catch me when I land...........i will be basically penniless and homeless....... nothing to fall back on......... 

and that is very scary indeed.