Quiet

Sometimes life just up and bites ya in the ass ...... ya know??

Exactly 2 years ago the docs found something in my uterus .. scary something... i went through the biopsy from hell - without any freezing local or otherwise.. i went through 3 months of swallowing lil pills that made me sick and tired and depressed... BUT ... after one more biopsy from hell - i got a clean bill of health..

i went for my annual check up at the end of November this year. My doc told me that she felt something in my breast.... she signed the papers for a quick mammogram........ quick being this past Saturday at 9:00 am.

i have kept it all locked up tight in my heart .... there was after all Christmas to get through........ and Christmas is a happy time.. not a time for worries .......... BUT it started on January 4th. The worry .. the stress.. the out and out FEAR.

i have mangled my breasts till they are bruised ........ and i still can not feel anything............ a glimmer of hope?? or am i just grabbing at straws.

i try and try - as much as i can not to do the 'what if's' or the 'should have's' or the 'could have's' ........ without a whole lot of success i might add.

My mind goes to all those times my breasts were bound up tight .. purple tight... i think of all the needles that slipped so easily into all that delicate tissue........ and i wonder if my desire.. my need for pain is the reason i am in this spot today..........

Do you ever wonder about the effects BDSM has on your body?? Do you ever worry about it?? i have said many times that this is NOT safe ... but i entered into it willingly......... yeah there was the thought in the back of my mind about breast tumours.. damaged breast tissue......... and maybe that is why ....... over the last few years i can barely think about binding my breasts .. or sticking needles into them.. or clamping them............... (shrug) who knows???

i entered into it willingly and eagerly ......... and now i worry and stress and am so scared there are no words to describe it.......... (and no i do NOT blame Sir's desires .. this is all on my shoulders.. mine alone)

And so it was a quiet weekend....... me curled up in a tight lil ball on my chair.... feeling lost and scared.. and doing so much crying there shouldn't be any tears left.. poor Sir trying the best He could to support and cheer and be positive.

i have asked before......... and i am asking again........... if you believe in fairies...... please clap........ and keep clapping till Wednesday (when i see my doc and get the results)