Revelations

Last night i noticed.......... over on my side bar.......... under categories...... the top one is "101 things about me". But i have only posted 98 things.......... who knew it would be so difficult to come up with 101 things about me???

i am not so different from everyone else actually. Over New Year's i was rethinking my life...... the path i have chosen to take.......... mistakes i have made.. people i miss dearly... stresses and worries still to come........ you know.. my life in review............

On Thursday night at the Spank Down to New Years Party - i realized something else......... i haven't exactly worked it all out yet........ but this is a start - putting it all down here..........

Sir asked me ........ yes ASKED me .. if i wanted to play. i guess i am getting used to His asking me........... He is nothing if not very polite. i realized in the old days i would have been chomping at the bit......... getting antsy and fidgety and even cranky waiting for Sir to take me off to play........... but not so much these days. What is that about ??!!!

Unfortunately most of the "good" equipment was being used in the BIG dungeon and that left the St. Andrew's cross - my favourite piece of equipment actually - but is it??? maybe not so much. The Cross used to be my favourite - cause in the old days - when / where we played - the choices were limited. Mostly there were slews of spanking benches and one Cross. i personally HATE spanking benches!! i hate how they press into my diaphragm making me feel like i am gonna puke... i hate how when Sir binds my legs to the bench how exposed i feel....... my pussy i mean !!! So i would work myself up into a state.. such a state !! that by the time Sir had me on the spanking bench i would be dry heaving and panicking. So it came to be that the Cross became my favourite piece of equipment.

But now.......well at least at this friend's dungeon - there are so many different pieces of equipment....... there was one that i know i can't describe and do it justice... it was sort of/kind of a rope cage that you stepped into and when inside it .. it was cranked up till you were hanging from the ceiling..........i had a little time inside it.. and oh the images that danced around in my head. i am terrified of height...... and at first nearly wet myself at being so high off the ground..... but later when i was safely down on the ground....... i thought how much fun it would have been suspended in the cage (which does not allow any body movement!!) naked and have Sir using His knife on me... god that could be amazing !!

Anyway i digress..now a days there are all sorts of devices that allow suspension while the sub/slave is being whooped.. and played with. i know in our play room i am happiest most times hanging from the chains in the ceiling. It does put a tremendous strain on my shoulders and arms.. especially when i am off with my fairies and my legs refuse to support me properly........ but still it is my favourite position these days.

But on New Year's eve the only equipment available was the cross in the smaller play room and so Sir put me on it. Everyone else was playing in the bigger room.. or watching in the bigger room........... and i couldn't help but feel like the wall flower at a school dance. There was no 'energy' out there....... and the nice thing about playing publically is the energy - if i want solitude i can get that at home .......thank you very much !!

The other thing i noticed - after the fact - that though i got up there with my fairies.. i am not going up as high as i used to......... why i don't know....... it certainly doesn't have anything to do with Sir's ability........ though it might have to do with how long He keeps me up there.......... and i think Sir worries a tad when i am "gone" and so He brings me down - literally and figuratively - before i am ready to come down.

When we returned to the big room to watch the others play......... i noticed that there wasn't a whole lot of .. i think swan called it .. "old fashioned whooping" oh there was the electric play that i talked about yesterday......... and there was some knife play (which in my opinion had absolutely no finesse at all !! and looked for all the world like some sort of sneak attack on the poor subbie) oh there was some "whooping" but ya know if the subbie's ass doesn't even get pink i don't consider it much of a whooping............

When each of the subbies came down from their piece of play equipment not one of them was enjoying any sort of 'high' from the play (well that excludes the subbie doing the electric play - she was very spacey when she came down) ...... and i wondered if i was some sort of weird animal. i need/crave/desire that spacey finale to the play - if i don't have it somehow i feel cheated.

Maybe i am old......... maybe the endorphins that race through my blood are slowing down.......maybe the other subs don't get that endorphin rush 0r don't want it publicly (it is a bit like being drunk and some prefer to do their silliness in private) But i did miss the intensity that used to be found at public/private play parties. Today it seems to me that everyone is more worried about impressing the crowd....... or maybe they just don't really know HOW to do it??

i don't know.

As for me...... i have to work out this slowing down in desires........ is it my age?? Hell i don't even get 'horny' like i used to........... it has been absolutely ages since i asked Sir's permission to masturbate with my favourite vibrator.....

maybe i am just out of practice