Thursday, February 12, 2009


Ok.. i have been lucky enough to avoid all the tempests in teapots and silliness that goes on around FetLife (the latest kink related message board/dating service going) IF you are one of the very few who haven't stumbled upon it.. heard about it (are you living in a vacuum??) and really want to go see / join it......... click HERE

If you will forgive me.. i will stick to ignoring it.. except when i read about it on other's blogs.. or .. as is the case today.. someone sends me an email with an excerpt of a conversation and asks for my opinion..... the following is the excerpt that is gonna send me off on a rant...... (you have been warned)

If I meet people through fetish events, I sometimes feel like I don't really have that much in common with them in the everyday world. And yet if I meet people through more conventional means, then you always run into that problem of introducing your kinks/fetishes to them

I guess my question is...are you better off being in a relationship where you share the same kinks or share more everyday interests? Because while I certainly have a kinky side to me, it by no means totally defines who I am, and I have lots of other interests too.

On a side note...are you better off "converting" someone who shares your kinks to start liking your other interests, or is it actually easier to convert a vanilla date into liking your kinks? Or, maybe in fact, it's impossible to get anyone to change in the first place :)

i am wondering how this person found partners before he/she discovered they were "kinky" ... how superficial were they then?? did they have a list of things that their partner must have - like blond hair .. blue eyes.. love baseball.. and liver .. and only tried to find someone like that???

Just because they have now discovered they like beating someone's ass / or having their ass beaten.. they don't know how to look for someone. Seems to me they didn't know how to look before !!!

That post is just so wrong in so many ways...... (in my humble opinion) ...

i could no more separate my being submissive from my loving to read.. or loving to garden... why in god's name would i have two separate lists?? one for the vanilla side of my life and one for the BDSM side....all sides .. all interests are ME... don't they get that?? This isn't a isn't a hobby to put away at the end of an evening.. or the end of a play session......... and take out the starched underwear and join the vanilla world (forgive me all my vanilla readers!! i am not saying you all starch your underwear)

What i am trying to say is............. if this person wants to find someone with similiar interests.. he must have missed the BDSM 101 class .. or maybe he should go find the book BDSM for Dummies??

Rule one - is never EVER play with someone you don't know........ if you are looking for someone .. Dom or sub... get to know that person... have coffee.. go to movies.. go to baseball games.. check out their underwear to see if it is starched.... but get to know them first !! Life is about much more than BDSM - much more than beating someone's ass .. or sticking pins in them.. or branding them or piercing them.. or electrifying them... much much more !! So yes .. YES !! .. look for someone who has similar interests as you do.. in both BDSM and life.

Why do they all make it so complicated??? so dramatic?? They find BDSM and all common sense goes flying out the window?? Think with your head .. not your cock .. or your cunt.. think with your head.. not your heart... if you are looking for someone to grow old with .. for god's sake ... look with all of you.... find a good match - for all of you........ and then go off and prosper and grow old together.

Too many times .. both in real life and here in blogville i see Doms and subs alike announcing to the world they have found THE ONE.. only to see that ONE turn to ash and blow away in the slightest breeze when life gets tough. HELL i see that happen in the vanilla world to !!! People don't look with their eyes open... their hearts open... they just want to grab someone up.. quick like.. and not be alone anymore.........

What is wrong with being alone??? Don't you like yourself enough to be alone with yourself??? If that is the case .. do NOT expect to find someone who will like you enough to stick around for any length of time... in BDSM time or vanilla time........

and with those words i will climb down off my soap box.. tuck it away until the next time.. and return you all to your regularly scheduled reading.........


  1. Just... BRAVO - you tell 'em!

  2. Sadly to say 90% of the newbies will not listen to you they at some time like the moth decide to touch the flame or put ther tongue on metal in the winter. I am glad you keep trying but for me I have given up. Perhaps a burn or two might just wake them up . As for Fet life newbie you speak of wellperhaps what they need is tht book but book BDSM for Dummies.

  3. I yam what I yam, and that ain't Popeye the sailor man.

    (That could be a profound comment, but probably not.)

  4. Shaking head... why is it that this continually comes back around, as if no one ever, ever met anyone new before, and so has no clue about how to do that. This whole notion that we can "go shopping" for another human being to somehow fill out all the criteria on our mental checklists is just stupid and demeans the potential for relating honestly with another person.

    You told them, and it is a very good thing to keep hammering that message.


  5. Anonymous2:51 pm

    Very well said! I have seen that problem for years! So many want a checklist and how in their right mind can they actually think they are going to find their ONE on a list. Or from a list. It seems that so many do want to separate, vanilla and lifestyle. The mere meaning of the word lifestyle should mean something, but in this day and age I wonder.

    Thanks for a great post and have a super day.


  6. I couldn't agree with you more....

  7. It seems to me that engaging in a few kinks does not a lifestyler make. Actually, there is nothing wrong with being a person with some offbeat turn-ons, just know that's what you are, and stop thinking of yourself as being in the lifestyle. There is nothing wrong with being who and what you are.

    littleone, thank you for an interesting post.

    slave freya


Popular Posts