Resolute...

December 31st the last day of the year...

i was thinking about the words of wisdom (don't choke!!! ) that i might write today on this last day of 2007......... and i have put off writing this entry because the words aren't there..

That is not to say i haven't learned a thing or two this past year.. because, by god, i have!

Friends -
i certainly learned what friendship is over the last half of this year...... i have always said i could count my 'real' friends on one hand...... the people who know my faults and like me because of them.... despite of them.. the people who have been willing to stand by my side through the good times.. the laughter and the fun.. and have been right there through the scary times.. the bad days and the tears and fears...... there were one or two surprises this year - in the friend category....... but that's ok.... it has never bothered me to trim back the "friend list" .......
Life is always sifting and changing.. a bit like the sands on the beach..... maybe the shifting tides just opened my eyes to see what i never noticed before........

Heroes.......
or people on pedestals..... i am very guilty of that.. putting people on pedestals for one reason or another......... and it always hurts so bad when the pedestal crumbles and my 'hero' tumbles face first into the dirt....... problem is they probably never asked to put up there .. in that rarefied air... in the first place.... though some times words spoken - philosophies preached - ideology expressed has a hand in building that pedestal......... But i have learned an important lesson i think........ pedestals are for statues not for people...

Love.....
i have learned that love is not some fairy tale "happy ever after" ending....... it is day to day living..... forgiving and caring and fighting and crying and laughing and holding and a whole mess of real life stuff. Not everyone figures that out you know.. that love is not a shining spotless thing....... it is bruised and bent and dirty and beautiful. It holds you close and makes the world a bearable place to be...

and i have learned that life .. LIFE .. is just too short and fragile and tenuous.

i have dumped a lot of baggage beside the fork in this road....... and am more than ready to move forward into 2008 with a renewed energy and love and courage.

And before i end this last entry for 2007 i want to take one minute to thank all of you who drop by so faithfully to read my words...... thank you for the comments you leave.. the emails you write.. the gentle ways you stroke my heart and make me happy.....

the new toy

Introducing the new toy of choice.. Sir's latest acquisition ... and my newest feared cane...........

The Lexan Cane...........




Now it appears no more harmful or hurtful than the vast display of canes we have hanging on the wall in the play room........... but trust me when i say this EVIL cane is by far the worst ever perverted by man!!!

Just a little info for those of you - like me - who have no idea what the hell lexan is.....

According to Wikipedia....
Lexan is similar to polymethyl methacrylate (Plexiglas/Lucite/Perspex) and is commonly described as acrylic in appearance, but is far more durable, often to the point of being described as "bulletproof" (depending on the thickness of the sample and the type of weapon used).

Bullet proof??? EXCUSE ME!!?? it is also used as windshields in aircraft..... and this wonderful acrylic substance is now being perverted into canes !! Stingy ouchy oh my god that kills canes !!!

i had a session with Sir's evil stick last evening........... and i knew almost right away that something was very very wrong ! First of all..Sir never even wound up and let one go......... He sat comfy cozy and was ...... for all the world.. giving me gentle wimpy taps....

i on the other hand was hanging on to the ottoman with every fiber in my being... crying out at each hit... feeling the pain deepen and widen with each hit.. the pain did not get better.. it did not get to the point that i could "climb" on top .. it did not get to the point that i could step out and off and float and dance with the fairies..no no... it got deeper and hotter and more red........ and it spread and engulfed my whole being.......

Something was terribly horribly wrong...

AND before anyone thinks that Sir started with this EVIL stick .. no no.. let me set you straight.. He was a good Sir.. a kind and caring Sir..He gave me a warm up with this lil flogger He gave me for Christmas..


a little rubber flogger that looks so innocent.. so soothing.. but it cuts and tears and rips and makes me feel bruised and marked..... it makes my ass hot and my body cold.. but compared to the EVIL stick it is most definitely a 'warm up' toy......

i have no idea how long the session lasted.. i know only that my mind bounced up and down with each stroke.. my body stiffened and loosened and collapsed with each stroke.. at one point i remember Sir asking where i was going and i realized i had somehow or other worked my way crosswise across the ottoman.. ass slouching just out of His reach.
And then i heard Sir say "littleone come give me a hug" and i had no idea where Sir was.. where i was.. i only knew the pain the red hot glaring pain was over.... and i was wrapped up in Sir's arms shivering and snivelling..........

i was wrapped up in my snuggly and lovingly placed on my chair.. i was fed juice and hugs and finally tugged up tight in bed to sleep .... perchance to dream of light swords and bare asses and fairies laughing and dancing around my head..........

Gifts that keep on giving...

Sir received a gift certificate a while back for the Fet Store here in the Great White North. And yesterday He decided we would go out for lunch..... then head into town to the Fet store and spend His gift certificate.

It was funny how the day went.. we had both been a little tense in the morning..but by the time we had pigged out over lunch and were downtown in the 'village' our spirits had lifted and we were enjoying our day together.....

The fet store didn't really offer any new toys ......... oh they had paddles and crops and handcuffs ...... but ho hum... boring... (aren't i spoiled?? we have a wall full of crops and paddles ) But Sir spotted a cupping set.. a real cupping set.. not some purple plastic imitation of one........ but a real one ...... with glass cups and acupuncture/pressure point thingies and a hand pump. Sir decided that was the gift we were gonna buy with the gift certificate!!

We did some other shopping as well at another leather shop..... but i will go into detail on that one another day..... Home we came laden down with our parcels and i .. of course.. had a burning desire to try out the 'real' cupping set.

After dinner Sir finally got around to experimenting with it.... a couple were put on my ass.. it hurt .. sort of.. but good hurt.. oh my yes .. good hurt !! i was daring.. i was brave.. i suggested maybe.. just maybe Sir would try them out on my nipples?? When it comes to breast torture i do NOT have to ask twice... Sir was delighted to satisfy my curiousity.....

He put them on and i shrieked.. it was way too much to handle ( i have such damn sensitive nipples !!) And besides that ..... ever since i breast fed the youngest daughter i still have liquid that will drip out .. if given enough "incentive" shall we say.... and i have a feeling it rather grosses Sir out....... well you can imagine what happened when the pump was applied........... i don't have any shots from the glass set.. but i do have one from the plastic set... if you look close enough you can just see the 'drip' .......ewwww gross !!!

(then again maybe you can't see it)

This morning Sir decided to humor me.. i had told Him in my private journal how much i would like to try having my whole ass cupped - to experience the sensations....... So........ after breakfast was digested.. i was on my stomach on the floor having glass cups applied to my ass....

The first few felt kinda neat.. but as each one was added the pressure built in the tissue (i guess) and the burn was something too difficult to describe.... but trust me when i say it hurt.. good!!!!



From another angle.........


Even one on my clit......... despite my nervousness over the clit jewelry being ripped out.. which didn't happen.........but i can say my clit was swollen and twitchy for the longest time.. such a delightful torture !!!


Finally - because the booklet suggests not leaving the cups on for more than 10 minutes Sir removed them .. pop pop pop !! ouch ouch ouch!!! (it compares a bit to having pegs removed .. sort of.. )

Happy Birthday Sir..

To my Sir:






And now if you will all excuse me.. i have some personalized wishes to give ....... be back a bit later...........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now to look back at yesterday and my day in bondage.......
i don't think it is going to be easy to explain the process i went through as the day progressed as the hours stretched on....... but i would like to try.........

At 10 am Sir finished tying off the last knot and got ready to leave... i loved the way the ropes made me feel... open ...exposed .. i was excited and found that my concentration was entirely on my pussy and my ass - which is where the bulk of the ropes and knots were focused.

i bounced around feeling invigorated ... getting the laundry done.. baking some more Christmas cookies (yes yes MORE Christmas cookies... our entertaining is far from over.. but the sweets are dwindling fast) ....... i even gave myself a manicure.... for the first 4 hours or so it was all about my pussy and the deep ache building there.. i was wet and had to sit on a towel at all times.. it was so physically exciting...



In my mind i figured Sir would be home around 2ish... i don't know why i came up with that hour but i did... around that time i noticed that my world was shrinking .. i was losing interest in bouncing around the house getting "stuff" done.. i was pulling into myself... focusing on how the ropes were now rubbing and chaffing ...... yet i was still dripping .. and feeling comfortable.........

BUT Sir didn't show up around 2ish........ in fact.. the clock kept on ticking by...... and there was no sign of Sir..

Sometime between 2 and 4 i started to think about blogs i had read where the Master puts the submissive in a cage.. and how they fight it .. and love it all at the same time.. i began to feel that my ropes were as much a cage as those metal barred cages that exist in some BDSM homes...



Now it was 4... and .. i could barely move from the chair in the living room.. my pussy was sore.. raw sore.. and the knot was pressing so hard on my asshole that i thought it would split me in two...... i didn't want to move.. i wanted Sir to walk through the door so that i might kneel at His feet and beg Him to remove the ropes......

i reached up my back and i could feel the start of the knots .. my fingers entwined themselves in the knots and i thought how easy it would be to loosen them.. maybe even untie them and let the ropes slip off my body........i thought about text messaging Sir.. i thought about straight out phoning Him...........

By the time Sir showed up at 5:15 He asked when i "hit the wall"... and i told Him around 4ish... it is very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't been in bondage for long periods of time what happens when you "hit the wall"... but it happens.. and yesterday i just white knuckled it till my Sir came home.. It seemed right and just that He should remove the ropes.. untie the knots..... symbolic and not so symbolic gestures of who controls my body...... me........

i broke my own record.......... 7 straight hours in bondage............

as a little side thought....... i wondered about the bondage i have seen done at the clubs.. where it takes an hour to wrap the submissive up in all pretty coloured ropes ... with all pretty styled knots... and once the hours is up.. and the photos have been taken.. the ropes are removed................ pretty dolly all decked out.......... that is not the bondage that Sir does on me.. my bondage is not pretty dolly style........... it is tight and restrictive and i absolutely adore it.. adore the challenge i go through each time... just me and the ropes...

Mind Set

i was thinking this morning as i made Sir's breakfast and cleaned up, how difficult it is sometimes to just be in the mind set of submissive... cleaning and cooking and entertaining is part and parcel of the service i offer to Sir.. but sometimes it just feels like being a plain old fashioned "house wife" .. know what i mean??? Sometimes it is just damn hard to stay in the mind set of submissive when one is up to one's elbows in cooking and dirty dishes and guests..........

Today i knew Sir would probably be heading off to do some work, and then check up on His mom and the "other house"....... i was planning my day...... laundry and baking and primping and preening to go out for Sir's birthday dinner this evening........ and not once in all that planning was i thinking submissive ........

Before Sir left He disappeared downstairs to the play room...... and returned with a length of my favourite blue rope....... i made a joke about His going off to tie up His client........ but all the while i watched Him .. mesmerized by His hands tying knots here and there down the length of rope.

i stood on order and removed my sweatshirt....... the ropes were pulled over my head and the tying process began...... wrap tug knot ... wrap tug knot.. rinse and repeat....... i felt the ropes encasing my body.. opening me here .. tugging there.. and i felt a momentary pang of fear...... Sir would encase my body in ropes and leave....... leave.. as in depart.. as in be gone for hours.... and i would be left here trussed up like a Christmas turkey.

i remembered one time when we were at a "bondage" demo/party and Sir tied me tightly.. (His favourite method of tying by the way....... tight!! ) i stood like a good lil subbie straight as an arrow, hands behind my neck...... barely breathing because the ropes were so tight... i remember going out to the car as the party was moving into town to a bigger play party and not being able to bend to get into the car... sort of being pushed into the back seat and collapsing awkwardly with ropes biting into my ass, into my pussy, binding my breasts so tightly i could barely breath. And a fear rose from somewhere deep inside my gut that i would be left like that today....... for hours.. till Sir returned.

But today He did a different sort of tie on my body... around the breasts yes.. but more into the pussy and ass... opening it .. rubbing it. When Sir was finished i went downstairs to check on the laundry .. and to test how tight the ropes were.. i could breath comfortably (phewwwwww) i could walk with care ...... i could feel my pussy..... god i could feel it!! my whole mind became centered on my pussy and my ass.. stretched open .. aching.. pulsing..... BUT i could do my tasks with no problem.. and i could breath comfortably.

So here i sit..... ropes pulling tightly on all the right places.. my mind set is squarely and firmly planted in submissive mode......... easy as that!! A long piece of rope .. a few well placed knots....... and i would crawl on all fours and kiss Sir's feet (if He were here)...

It really isn't very difficult to put me in the right mind set......... not very difficult at all.......

Selfish Prig

Sometimes i can be a selfish prig.. i can !! The problem is i get so little time with Sir alone.. without work.. without family... without outside responsibilities...and i wanted to spend a day .. an entire day flogged and fucked.. and sore and marked (ok ok forget the marking - it just doesn't happen) .... but enough of the excuses !!!

Let me show you what happened in the session Sir gave me on Christmas morning..

First i have to say i was VERY disappointed in the nipple suction thingy..... it just didn't do what i expected it to ....... and though Sir hasn't tried it on my clit yet.. we both have some hesitation due to my clit jewelry.. i don't think it will get any better.. Anyone got any suggestions what we did wrong?? or are they all about the same.. big build up with little follow through???

Anyway....... the seagrass flogger was soaked in hot water according to Sir's instructions....... each flail was braided so nicely......... you can see in this picture what the flails looked like BEFORE the session.. (well one of the flails anyway... we really should have taken pictures first.. but who know??)


After the session - truthfully i have no idea how long it lasted.. i was most definitely off playing with the Christmas fairies by then.......... the flogger looked like this...........

As you can see from the picture.. most of the flails have unraveled.. partially or completely. Sir has sent off an email to the company who makes these punishment floggers to ask if this is to be expected ....... (it certainly wasn't expected at our end!!!)

Now .. if my ass could do that to the flogger.. i am guessing i had an excellent session.. if only i could remember................

Kinky gifts and count downs

Now we all remember the count down i had to Christmas day right??? ohhhhhhh the anticipation....... ohhhhh the butterflies.. oh the excitement...

This year we both exchanged kinky gifts......... something to add spice to the holiday season.......

And so our Christmas theme went something like this.........

two nipple clamps with silver bells..

one silky sensuous black rope for Japanese bondage..

one rubber flogger...........

one seagrass flogger - dipped in hot water .. OUCH OUCH OUCH........

one nipple and clit pump........... (something of a disappointment sadly)

and two catchmaster mouse traps ...........

Sir did try the silver bells.. the rubber flogger ... the seagrass flogger dipped in water.. and the pump............all before noon on Christmas day..........

i think i made lunch.. i am sure i made lunch.... didn't i make lunch??

Now i am only left to wonder when the other toys will be used.. and can i have some more of the seagrass flogger please Sir?? MORE???!!! (ok ok.. it is very difficult to do an Oliver rendition in blog form......)

suffice it to say........ this was a fun Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas

May your holidays bring all that you dream for.......
may your hearth fires never go out....
may your loved ones always be close to your heart......
And may Christmas live forever......

Just a little filler

The kids and grandkids and the ex are all arriving for a Christmas lunch around noon .... The ham is slowly cooking in the oven.. the scalloped potatoes are already to go in .. the meatballs (for those who hate "pink" meat) are simmering in sauce on the stove. The sweets are on trays .. the yule log taking "center stage".

i know.. as sure as i am sitting here by the time they leave and the dust settles i will be hopefully occupied with "funner" things than writing a blog.......

So i leave this little warning for all those "naughty boys and girls" out there..............
and i will return tomorrow with something a little more substantial..... (i hope!!!)

Zippers

For the most part teachers (especially teachers of little ones) hate zippers.. they get stuck .. they break.. they just plain won't go up......... we break more nails, lose more patience, and get more headaches from plain old fashioned zippers.......

But i was introduced last night to a completely different sort of zipper..... a clothes peg zipper. What, you might well ask, is a clothes peg zipper?? Let me describe it for you........ it is simple.. as simple as the real deal really...... you take one string and a handful of clothes pegs and you fasten clothes pegs to string.. then you fasten clothes pegs attached to the string to a subbie's more sensitive parts........ and then .. when everything is just right.... and the subbie is just about peeing their pants (if they had any on that is ) the Dominant takes an end of that string and pulls.......... and each of the clothes pegs pops off.. one at a time.. quickly..... ( did i say quickly??? !!!)

i had found these very cute Christmas clothes pegs .. complete with red string .. at the dollar store a few weeks ago.. i decided in a mad moment of Christmas spirit .. to buy these clothes pegs for Sir.. for Christmas.. as part of His kinky Christmas gift pack.

However .. i decided to give them to Him last evening.. a sort of.. "Let's start the season off right " kind of gift......

The real purpose of these clothes pegs on red string .. is... for normal folk.. Christmasy folk....to hang their Christmas cards on........ nice touch don't you think?? Well after dinner ........... Sir collected all the Christmas cards that we have received.. He attached one end of the string to one nipple....... and wellllll.... why don't you pop over to His blog and see for yourselves.........

To be honest i was breathing a huge sigh of relief that that was the best (worst??) thing Sir could come up...... (i was NOT going to suggest any other alternative .. trust me!!) After the photo op........ Sir removed the string from my stretched nipple .. and then decided to up the ante a tad.

The clothes pegs were attached to my breasts - 3 per side - for a total of 12 pegs. Then Sir got this gleeful evil look on His face and He picked up the end of the nice red string and pulled it taut. He then picked up the camera and got it loaded and focused and ready to "rock and roll" and He pulled. And the pegs come popping off... and when the last one popped off my breast i quite literally went down on all fours on the floor ........ gasping and laughing .. (yes laughing.. mostly cause i couldn't believe Sir had actually done it !!! )




i have to report .. i am no longer a zipper virgin........... and will never ever EVER complain again about zippers that won't go up.. or get stuck... or break, at school again!!!

A Quiet Peace...

As i was driving home from the staff Christmas party (it was fun.. good food.. good companions and good conversation - thank you for asking) .... i had the radio on listening to Christmas music and just kinda puttering along. i was enjoying the after glow of the dinner.. and the Christmas lights.. and counting my blessings..

Then a song came on .... Let There be Peace on Earth....... and it took me back to choir days and the quiet church on a Sunday Evening just before Christmas.. back to the belief that there could be Peace on Earth if people just tried hard enough. And i remembered.. really remembered... the conviction i had as a young woman.. the same one i still carry today in my heart. Some call me naive.. others just shake their heads at me.. BUT i do believe.. that if we could only just remember .... peace starts with us..... each and everyone of us.... a smile passed on.. a hug given.. an ear and a shoulder offered.. that peace will grow and spread outwards .. like a ripple in a pond...........

Let peace begin with me,
let this be the moment now.
With every step I take,
let this be my solemn vow,

To take each moment and live each moment
in peace, eternally.
Let there be Peace on Earth,
and let it begin with me.

My one wish this holiday season is that each one who comes here may find some peace in their hearts.. that each one will pass on that peace in whatever form ...... and that each one will leave a candle burning in their window until the light.... and the peace spreads round the world...........

It's official

Well it is official... Christmas is coming........

Yesterday was my staff luncheon - we went out to a local restaurant that they all raved about........ and had ..in my humble opinion..... a mediocre meal for a whole mess of money.... but the really important thing was to get everyone around one table laughing and talking and relaxing and sharing.......

Today i will finish up the last bit of paper work that needs to be done before school ends for the Christmas break tomorrow.......... And then this afternoon.. ohhhhhh this afternoon !!! we will be having a Christmas party for approximately 200 + kiddies .. with old fashioned Christmas games. It came to my attention - especially this year - how kiddies don't play games at birthday parties anymore.. they play WII or Nintendo or D/S (not my form of D/s but the newest game boy) that just won't do in my opinion........ it won't nope no way.... so i have organized a mess of games like pass the santa hat without using your hands..... the snowball race where the teams must put on mittens pick up a plastic spoon .. place a 'snowball' (a styrofoam ball actually ) on the said spoon and make their way to the other end of the gym and back without dropping the snowball and without touching it ......... there is the "where is santa's sleigh" game.. and the "freeze" game and "sticky popcorn game"... and then the Grande Finale.. where each child will be given a small parcel and i will read them a special Christmas story.... and every time i say the word RIGHT they must pass the gift to the RIGHT and every time i say LEFT the gift must be passed to the LEFT and when the story is done.. the gift they are holding is their gift............ and hopefully god willing and schedules running according to plan.. their parents should all be there to pick them up and take them home !!!

Then i will rush home and change into "party clothes" (which are a BIG difference from work clothes) and head out to the BIG staff party at another local restaurant.....

And then Friday and the last few hours of excited kiddies waiting .. just waiting.. almost holding their breath until the final bell rings at 1:00 and they all scurry off for a 2 week break...........

and Sir will be coming............. that is the most important thing.. Sir will be coming for the holidays........ for Christmas feasts.. one here with the kids and their significant others (well the ones that don't have to work) and with the "ex" - the girls' father (first time in nearly 15 years that he and i have broken bread - so to speak under the same roof ) .. and Tuesday Christmas day with my grandbabies.. and that is a first - an exciting first.. spending actual Christmas day with my kiddlets ...

our local radio station has a plug they play "Home for Christmas" and i just heard it as i was typing this...... and thought "yes i AM going home for Christmas" this year....... and it feels so right....... i will have my kids .. and grandkids and Sir all around me.. it will be my own Normal Rockwell painting !!! and there will be peace and goodwill (and if there isn't .. i will hit someone!!!)

And so as i head out into my day......... i have warm warm fuzzies growing inside..it's official......... Christmas IS indeed coming !!!!

Risks...

i know i know i promised to get back to the season.. to Christmas.. to stop with the discussions of boring mundane things like BDSM and safe and sane (well ok skip the sane - nothing we do is really "sane")........

But something came through my email yesterday that made me sit up and take notice..and brought back all those questions i have about "who's the expert" "who are we really hiring to give demos and lectures"

The email (which i will not quote as it was from a private mailing list) set out yet again an example of someone who was hired by a reputable large BDSM community to give a course on percussion play.

It turns out that this group had a demo with an 'expert' on punching, kicking, kneeing, and slapping techniques. AND it turned out that some more experienced people in the audience were shocked to see the spine as a target, the kidneys as a target, and the knee area. In fact one member of the audience was an accredited AAU national karate coach and he stated that some of the techniques were not allowed at national level competitions due to the high level of damage and danger to the recipient.

So i ask again.. who are these "experts" that we hire to give demos?? It makes me wonder why the karate coach wasn't giving the demo - don't you wonder?? The karate coach did raise questions and point out dangers - BUT who was the expert?
Are we as a community so anxious to put on demos.. the newbies so anxious to learn... that we throw caution to the wind?? Do we welcome anyone who claims to be an expert with open arms not bothering to check credentials?? But then what credentials can we check?? what BDSM training schools do you know of?? What Master programs are there ?? PHD programs?? (ok ok i admit i am going from the ridiculous to the sublime........ but still??!!)

Years of experience ........ that's what we go by....... i say i have 15 years experience in the lifestyle and that makes me an "expert" to some.......... (not to me i might add - but to some) i did a whole blog entry just a few days ago on Experience (here) ... confused a few folks.. but there was a reason behind the madness....... what makes an expert??

i am overly cautious i guess about demos and just a tad skeptical of "experts"... buyer beware is an old adage.. but maybe something we should keep close to our hearts when we attend demos and play parties...

a comment was made to the email that i read yesterday....... good advise i think.. it said: "our protective gear needs to be caution, common sense, and knowledge."





now enough said about that.. for now....... ( i know i know i DO go on sometimes.. but i can't help but think of all the folks taken in by experts..they take a course/demo and go forth and do damage .. all in the name of BDSM ) so for those of you who are into the holiday spirit .. and looking for some holiday magic...... check out the Photo Journal.....here...... i have posted some holiday pictures.

Update

Sir stopped at the Liquor Board on the way home from the surgeon's office... and i got my bottle of Bailey's...... actually two for the price of one.. Sir says HE will decide which one i actually get to drink .... i say both.. (cheeky grin)

Yes i got a good report ..... No i do not have cancer.. i do have some long medical named problem that will (hopefully) be taken care of with 4 months of drugs and another biopsy..........

i don't have cancer !!!!!!!!!!

gotta love those fairies.. and all that clapping !!!

Just Believe

Do you remember Tinker Bell?? remember Peter Pan??

i credit the movie Peter Pan with my desire to "never grow up" and my belief in fairies... At that crucial moment in the film Peter Pan turns to the audience .. and asks the children who believe in fairies to repeat "I believe in fairies ..... as a small child watching the film.. i repeated "i believe in fairies.. i believe in fairies" and magically Tinker Bell was well again !!!

From that moment on i believed in fairies and magic..........


i have a lot of the qualities that Tinker Bell had.......











a scamp and a bit of a brat.....

a tease......

stubborn and feisty .......

and just a little bit cheeky
(ok ok .. a whole lot cheeky!!)









Today as i head into my day....... i am going to hold all my fairies close to my heart.. and i am gonna believe..............



(i may be back tonite with an update........ )

Another Attack of the Grinch!

i am feeling just a tad 'grinchy' today - Sir said i was His house slave this weekend.. and i was... a slave to the house..... Saturday we had sunshine so i managed to get out and run messages and see the world.. but Sunday the snow moved in.. the same storm our American friends on the East Coast have been dealing with (nice of them to share - dontcha think??)

So the weekend was spent getting organised for Christmas....... wanna hear how much 'fun' i had?? (too bad if you said no cause this is my blog and i wanna bitch so bitch i will !!)

Let's see...... i made 3 dozen shortbread cookies.. 3 dozen English Toffee cookies.. a pan of mint flavoured tinted green Nanimo squares (a big hit around here at Christmas) .... 3 loaves of cinnamon bread (also called Christmas bread cause for some reason it is the only time of the year i make it!!) ........ i wrapped gifts till i ran out of gold wrapping paper and ribbon (and as the theme this year - YES i usually have themed Christmases - is gold.. i had to stop till i can get more gold paper !!) i did 3 loads of laundry ... i organized plans for a dinner party on the 26th .. i posted a holiday post to the Sunday Munch site.... i made the invitations for our annual Kinky New Years Day open house party... i talked to youngest daughter.. and oh yeah... got a call from my Principal early last evening cancelling school today so i then called all my staff to tell them the news.. (and anyone who knows my aversion to the telephone will understand what a chore that was!!!) oh and i nearly forgot.. i tried shoveling ........ what a waste of time.. my poor lil reindeer in the front garden was completely buried.. i unburied him .. i shoveled the steps and pathway and behind my car ........ and this morning i can't see my steps or pathway.. can't see my lil reindeer.. and i haven't ventured far enough out yet to see if my car is even visible............

House slave is right............ and oh yeah.. all the while i was in the kitchen baking and cooking and basically making a HUGE mess.. i got to look at Sir's contribution to the Christmas decorations - which He (Himself - the old grinch) put on the shelf over the sink in the kitchen..............

now don't that just make ya feel all warm and fuzzie and Christmasy??!!!


So today there is no school..... and a mountain of snow to shovel...... and gold wrapping paper to buy .....IF i dare to venture out ....... and exactly 30 hours till i am sitting in the surgeon's office............. trust me i don't need a day of quiet today .. i would much rather be at school with gobs of people around me talking and fussing.. would much rather be dealing with kids and kids' problems then sitting here for the next 30 hours thinking......... i have given myself every damn pep talk one can give oneself.. and then some... i have thought positive.. i have reviewed the scan results - nothing .. clear.. perfect !!! i have heard the surgeon saying - off handedly as she left the office - "don't worry" i have read and re-read the symptoms for cancer so many times i could recite them backwards........ and none of it helps.... the butterflies are here to stay for the next 30 hours i guess...

i made myself a promise (a silly promise i guess ) i said if i get a clear bill of health then i am gonna treat myself to a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream. Normally i do not drink...... but every once in a while i do have an Irish coffee.. and this Christmas i said i was gonna buy some Bailey's - IF i get a clear bill of health......... and that bottle of Bailey's is burning a hole in my psyche .. i wish i hadn't made that promise.. i wish i had just gone out and bought the damn thing.. because now for some stupid reason it is bugging me.. do i get a bottle or don't i ?? like a kid who wonders if Santa is gonna leave any gifts cause they just aren't sure if they have been bad or good........... i know i know it is damn silly ..... but that is the mind set i am in right now......

And i have to add a BIG thank you to all of you ..every one of you who have left comments or have written to me in email to send me positive vibes.. good wishes.. and strength to get through whatever happens tomorrow........ each and every one of them have brought tears to my eyes......... i know .. deep deep inside me. that i will face whatever comes.. and deal with it...... and it will be a whole lot easier doing it knowing so many folks i have never met are pulling for me...... thank you again.

So enough rambling.. enough spitting and hissing and being 'grinchy' .. there is a pile of snow waiting for me...

Just call me Blinky

Sir isn't coming over this weekend.. between His mom's continuing health problems (that has landed her up in hospital again) and the latest winter storm that IS coming over this weekend.. i have been left to my own devices.

Now i was supposed to be wrapping gifts.....



And baking breads and cookies and cakes for Christmas......


But instead i find myself wandering aimlessly through the house THINKING about doing all those things.. but wanting to be taken to fairy land.... thinking of Sir's promise of a special session on the 25th.. and wondering what it will be.. and feeling my pussy twitch and my clit jewelry tug..... and i think .. just maybe.. i am going out of my mind.........

How unfair is this????? (hear me whine??) It has been just over a month since i felt any twinges for any real form of BDSM or fucking or anything.. for a month i have been listening quietly intently to my body and wondering what was happening.. and wishing i knew.. and now the knowing is just 3 days away.. all the old feelings have resurfaced.. and i am alone with the cats.. and mounds of presents .. and sugar and flour and yeast and spices and cookie cutters... Now i ask you is that fair???!!!

Wellllllllll just for the fun of it.. and because i really don't feel like baking or wrapping i went hunting for something very seasonal to distract my urges and cravings and needs and wants .......... (get the feeling i am just a wee bit antsy?? )
And thought i would share with you my wonderous find ...............
(with thanks to fit2btied)

Christmas is coming !

Christmas IS coming and i think i have spewed out enough "opinions" to last awhile now.. so let's get down to some fun stuff... the holidays !!!

Christmas has always been my favourite holiday....... from the lights sparkling in the dark through the snow..... to the excitement of the kiddies as they write their lists to Santa........

It is a time of year when memories flood back....... mostly good memories of happy family times..

of my dad climbing into bed on Dec 24th whispering quiet words in my ear till i finally fell asleep......

of all the family crowded around 'saw horse' tables with paper tablecloths with poinsettias on them.. cousins and aunts and uncles .. and sipping seven up from a wine glass and feeling oh so grown up.......

of finding a perfect porcelain doll in the top of my stocking the year i was told i was "too big" to ask Santa for a doll...

of my dad lying under the Christmas tree regaling my eldest daughter (who was 3 or 4 at the time) with stories of Christmas fairies dancing in the tree and the proof was in the tinsel swaying in the branches above their heads....

of the year i was pregnant with that eldest daughter and sick sick sick with her.. and my mom coming down a week early to help me get ready......... of mom washing the kitchen floor on her hands and knees so it would be sparkling for the big day...... And on the fateful Christmas day.. my dad dropping the turkey - lock stock and barrel - over the clean floor....... and of mom and dad scooping up the broken bits and throwing them on my Grandmother's platter and mom crying because the clean floor was a greasy mess.

of the cats stealing my little people from my Christmas village and hiding them around the house....

of tearful reunions.......

but mostly memories of laughter and love .. love that came down at Christmas time.

Christmas - that magic blanket that wraps itself about us, that something so intangible that it is like a fragrance. It may weave a spell of nostalgia. Christmas may be a day of feasting, or of prayer, but always it will be a day of remembrance - a day in which we think of everything we have ever loved.
- Augusta E. Rundel

Yours mine and ours

There have been a few murmurs in blog land recently about the different roles .. sub and Dom. Questions asked - what does the Dominant get out of such a relationship?? How does a sub just turn over everything??

And i thought.. not because i am wonderful and wise about these things.. but because i most certainly DO have an opinion on them... to write a little blog entry on the roles each plays in a BDSM relationship. (and please remember - this is not based on some fictional story.. or online nonsense - this is my reality - for what it's worth)

Do we all come with job descriptions?? i think we should.. life would be so much simpler.. But in reality we don't come with job descriptions we don't even come with 'carved in stone' ideas of what we want.. Dom and sub. (come on .. admit it!!! even the Doms have vague ideas at the beginning that blossom with time - and maybe a little coaxing)

Alright - i will try and be serious here... the submissive's main objective/role in the relationship is to please the Dominant. Now that's a broad spectrum isn't it?? please the Dominant.. makes me think of the last line in my work contract (yes WORK contract ...for some reason i seem to have an aversion to BDSM contracts - but that is another whole different blog entry!!!) "and any other job deemed necessary" rather open ended don't you think?? Now i can't speak for every submissive.. or every relationship........ but my definition of pleasing the dom is quite simple.. Sir wants it Sir gets it.

But let's not fall into the "fantasy category" ok..Sometimes Sir wants something and it just isn't possible.. He will try and i will get all tight and jumpy and Sir will respect it is either not a good day for that activity .. or .. it may never work. That isn't important.. what is important is that i try whatever He asks from me... and amazingly enough some times it does work!! and it sticks and i love it..

It is not unheard of for Sir to pitch in and lend a helping hand when things are a bit harried around here.......... It is all part and parcel of "caring for the submissive" - which is the Dom's job.. not to be mistaken for the submissive's job which is "caring for the Dominant".

i make the meals .. run the household.. i have been known to answer emails for Sir.. to organise munches, and play parties... Sir will tell me to invite this one or that one over for an evening and i make it work. i do the laundry and keep the condo clean.. i keep track of Sir's medical appointments and sugar levels (Sir is diabetic) and plan meals around the sugars and His needs.....i follow any and all schedules set out by Sir (mainly cause by now i know they just make life simpler for me ) i take care of Sir.. simple as that.

Now what does Sir do?? He beats my ass and fucks me.. (wait wait - i said i was gonna be serious) ok ok.. He does do those things.. but He also cares for and about me. He has been known to step in and handle "stuff" that gets out of hand....... 99% of the time He accompanies me to all doctor appointments.. He makes sure i get my flu shot and that i take my pills and vitamins and that i stay as healthy as humanly possible (considering i work in a germ factory) He holds me when i cry and comforts me when i get scared.. He works pretty damn hard at making sure i don't wallow in self pity or think because i am "broken" i am no good to Him anymore.. In short..... Sir cares for me, simple as that.

i was trying to explain .. recently .. about the power exchange that happens in a BDSM relationship....... the submissive turns over - gives up - whatever expression you wish to use - control. Gives it over to the Dominant. (please note - that does NOT make a submissive a doormat.. nor a simpering helpless female - or it shouldn't!!) That is done once a level of trust is reached. when a level of comfort has been reached. And in my humble opinion (and yeah i am ducking the feminists) there is always one person more dominant in any relationship... ANY relationship!! (and it can be the female .. it doesn't HAVE to be male) It makes life so much simpler and easier if everyone recognizes that fact and goes with the natural flow of things. That does not mean i do not have a say in things around here.. it just means i talk to Sir about needs and wants and desires and then leave the decision up to Him........ He knows me well enough to know exactly what i need - even sometimes when i don't know the need myself!

i like to think that we each push the other to be the best we can be...... both as a Dominant.. a submissive... and as human beings. We fit together well.
What do we each get out of this relationship?? Everything we dreamed about... and more.. The reality of the relationship is One takes control and thrives on it... the other gives up the control and thrives on that...


Now i have basically described my relationship with Sir.. and i wouldn't try to describe a generic BDSM relationship....... because it is different for each and every one of us...... the one constant - i think - is that the submissive cares for the Dominant and the Dominant cares for the submissive. The road is not always smooth and there aren't always fairies sprinkling fairy dust along the way....... but i am a firm believer in sticking to it..... we are turning into a "throw away" society - it doesn't please us - it doesn't work just the way we expected - it isn't exactly what we thought it would be - throw it away and start again. More's the pity........ sometimes with a little work, a little polish will reveal a diamond in the rough!

(just a little editorial note here..... for anyone who is interested or wondering...... i heard from the surgeon's office yesterday........ i have an appointment next Tuesday for the results - they wouldn't give them to me over the phone.......... 5 more days of waiting.)

Trip the Light Fantastic

Yesterday i probably confused a whole mess of you with my rambling thoughts on Experience....... however....... this is my blog.. and if i want to confuse you all i can ...... so hang on.. here comes the second installment.........

In yesterday's blog entry i talked about how much time some spend on line or reading about the BDSM lifestyle.. the fantasy side of it.. the fairy tale side of it... where it is never too cold to go naked.. where the floggers or whips never hurt too much.. where the sex is always perfect and rough and the submissive never complains, and the Dominant is always a perfect mix of Sadist and lover.

And there in lies the crux of the problem i think........ that and part time players ..... which all adds up to one big fantasy (in my opinion)

When i was playing once maybe twice a week......... i made sure i was on the top of my game so to speak.......my hair was always perfect.. my nails were always manicured.. toe nails included.. i never wasted the precious time we had talking about stresses from outside the lifestyle.. i never complained about aching bones or sore throats or a headache. After all we only had a stolen hour or two.. maybe a full day... who is going to waste that time with the other reality??

And so my BDSM world was coloured perfect. Because for the most part it was....... and of course i wanted more....... and the more i thought about it.. the more fantasies i read.. the more perfect sessions i had.. the worst the need grew..... for perfection !! And perfection was in the living it 24/7.

Everything works in the fantasy world....... perfectly. Sir had fantasies the same as i did.. and when we were first together full time.. we went gang busters trying to satisfy every single fantasy we both had....... from me being naked all the time.. to playing in the snow.. to my crawling around on all fours and eating from a bowl on the floor.

The truth of the matter is.. when you are 'doing' S/m or D/s or any combination of the alphabet .. regularly...then real life rears it's nasty head. Real life can be put on hold for an hour or two ... maybe......... but not forever. The reality is naked doesn't work 24 hours a day 7 days a week in the Great White North - unless you want your heating bills to sky rocket during the winter months! The reality is frolicking in the snow doesn't work unless it is a warm spring like day.... and you are only looking for a photo op. The reality is that old bones start to ache and complain and stiffen and kneeling for hours on end just ain't possible anymore. The reality is health issues can not take a back seat when you are living it 24/7.. flu bugs and mystery ailments and hospital tests and operations can put more than a little wet blanket on all those fantasies. So can bills to be paid.. work... family obligations.. and the list goes on and on.

The truth is...... it is damn hard to "do" BDSM 24/7 ....... to live it every day...... it isn't a fairy tale where the sex is always good and rough.. and the whips hurt just enough. BUT it doesn't mean that it can't be good......... and it never has to become a Ma and Pa Kettle relationship either Cloud! The really tough part is working through the bumps in the road.. helping each other to climb over them and continue the journey together........ Maybe not always dressed in leathers, with leashes attached to collars.. but with a wink and a smile and a nod... and a whip that hurts too much sometimes.

I wonder from time to time.. where the life stylers have gone - you know the ones i mean - they show up at play parties, at munches, at events with gobs of "experience". They may even teach a course or two.. they are all gung ho... and then they just kinda disappear....... sometimes they leave a quick note ...... "I am leaving the lifestyle." i am beginning to believe they built their hopes and dreams .. their BDSM world on a foundation of fantasies........ and it crumbled.

me?? i would rather build my BDSM world on reality. On old bones and aching joints and stresses and a vanilla world surrounding me. i want to be able to say .. when my time has come...... "i did it my way".............

i don't know.. but i am thinking tomorrow i may just do a little piece on submissives and their "real" roles ......... and Dominants and what is expected of them. It would seem i have a multitude of "opinions" buried in this addled brain of mine. And of course at some point or other.. i really must do some Christmas blogs.. after all .. too much seriousness makes for a dull blog....... and 'tis the season !!!

Experience

i am struggling with a theme... Experience.. it is so clear in my head .. but when i try and transfer the ideas from up there... to the screen down here ....... it gets all muddy. Stick with me folks and maybe it will all come together and make some sort of sense...........

How does one equate experience in this lifestyle?? i say i am experienced because i have been in the lifestyle for many years (15+ if you must know) ............ But if you add the years that i read about it .. fantasized about it..... gosh it would be over 30 years..... BUT do those years count???

It's a bit like being a teacher .. i say i have been a teacher most of my adult life.... but a goodly number of those years were spent in night school cramming courses into my thick skull......... and then a few years teaching but only part time.. i was under the impression that i had been at the same school for over 20 years .. but when it comes to seniority it turns out it has only been about 15 years (don't draw any comparisons here !! one has nothing to do with the other !) How did they come up with 15 years ?? A simple equation.. to work a full year - seniority wise - you had to work 35 hours a week X 4 weeks X 10 months.. in the beginning i only worked part time therefore i don't have the full 20 years.

Now does this equation - can this equation - be applied to the BDSM lifestyle as well.... do only the years that one is actually fully immersed in the lifestyle count towards seniority or experience??

If one is only "playing" at the lifestyle because of other commitments does it count as a full year?? Like my first years actually IN the lifestyle.. i would play maybe once - sometimes twice - a week and then return to my vanilla life... do those years count?? well yes of course they count.. but not as full years......... i can't have as much experience say as someone who was living the lifestyle 24/7 for all those years can i ??

Do you see my confusion?? (probably not .. i know i know.. some days i am as clear as mud ) ........ Am i lying (white lies count) if i say i have been in the lifestyle for 15+ years when truthfully it is probably half of that?? Can i claim to be an expert at anything when i compare myself to someone who has actually lived it for those number of years?? Who is the expert?? Who has the right to counsel newbies - them or me?? Who has the right to offer courses on any particular subject (from flogging to bondage to fire play) me or them??

Take a look at all those times i left the play session and returned to vanilla.. then i spent the rest of the time reading stories / blogs / journals on line....... fueling my imagination. Does that give me real time experience?? Or does it just give me a bunch of fairy tale fantasy stories to keep me warm at night.

Does any of that give me the right to dictate how BDSM should work?? especially if most of my so called experience comes from fantasy fairy tales.

i am working all this out in my addled lil brain....
why you ask??
because for me it is important....... to know where i stand.. where others stand.. who to believe and who to smile and nod at ......

Maybe tomorrow i will confuse you more with my thoughts on reality versus fantasy.... there is a big leap of faith from one to the other...... trust me - that i DO know about!!

Squeeze it in.....

This weekend wasn't all about Christmas fairies and music boxes and being spoiled or even about grandkids and decorating....... it was about the first snowflake too....... and for those of you who didn't check the comment section for the answers (god i spoil you lazy folks!!) The #1 snowflake - which stumped some of you - did say BDSM... if you look real close...

the very center of the snowflake is made up of numourous B's all strung together to look like lace - the next row out is the letter "D" and the edges are "S's" with an M every so often on the very outer edge.. take a very close look you should be able to see the letters now!

Anyway ........ getting back to the important stuff.......... Saturday night i sorta kinda hinted a spanking would be nice........... Sir said He was thinking a little needling was what i needed.. and oh i couldn't have agreed more with Him.... Needling has always been a soft floaty type of pain........ i lie on my stomach on the floor at Sir's feet and He inserts needles.. often times slowly ....... keeping me guessing where the next one will go.......... one or two on this cheek.. then one or two on the other cheek.. maybe one up here.. or one down there... and i clench and gasp and whine a little bit... but for the most part i wait for the prick .. the tap tap as the needle is tapped in.. and then Sir does this twist and flick as the final sign it is in and staying there..



Once they are all in....... leaving room for some sensation play....... Sir will run his finger nails between the rows of needles... or drag a cold chain.. or the tip of a knife.. all sensation play.. making me gasp some more.. or wiggle and drip..........(i don't seem to be dripping as much these days.. not like usual..and i have to admit that secretly i wonder if something is broken inside......... but i try not to think too long or too hard.. 3 more weeks till the reports are back)

i have perhaps a strange reaction to needles.. eventually they start to itch.. like a thousand mosquitos all feasting on my ass... and then .. then it is time to remove them .... Sir is none too gentle removing the needles... and some just don't want to come out.. the skin seals them in.. on those.. (i do believe they are Sir's favourites) He twists as He pulls upwards and wiggles till i hear the soft 'pop' as they come out.... And once all are out Sir gets the kleenix and wipes up the blood.. then a hug.. always a hug...... holding me close while i thank Him.. and float back down.. landing most times with my own "plop"...

Sunday afternoon....... after laundry was done.. and the Christmas boxes were all stowed downstairs .. just in front of the play room door (a form of vanilla-izing the house .. as over the holidays vanillas will be coming and will want to see the trains .... a daunting stack of Christmas boxes should deter them from wondering what lies behind the Chinese screen) i whined (yes yes i whine sometimes!!) to Sir that we couldn't use any toys they were sealed away till after Christmas. BUT Sir had other ideas.. and later in the afternoon He appeared beside me with the crop in His hand... my favourite crop.. my favourite toy.. the one toy that can go from being sensuous to "ouch that's enough Sir MotherF%$%Ker" ... and Sir had me bent over the sofa then the ottoman while He teased my ass and then when teasing got boring.. beating my ass like the Christmas drummer boy...........


There is always time and room for some BDSM ... even over busy vanilla weekends !!!