always fairies

Almost everyone knows by now that i love fairies! not angels !! (that took a while to teach Sir - the difference between a fairy and an angel) i am different that way..... there is a child-like magic to fairies.. they hide in the flowers, in the dust bunnies under the bed, in the high up corners in the stairwell. They dance on the rainbows and giggle softly in your ear as you sleep. They dance amongst the boughs of the Christmas tree. And they always leave fairy dust behind. (as a little aside here.. i think i first fell in love with fairies the year i watched my dad climb under the christmas tree with my eldest - who was all of 4 or 5 at the time - and listen while he told her about the fairies living in our christmas tree)

Sir presented me with this fairy tonight. My first snowball in forever. i tilt it and watch the fairy dust swirl around her....... and i dream of things to come.........

Sir is talking about making a whole new list of rules and maybe just maybe enforcing them... (though He keeps talking about not wanting to 'break me' - honestly though i believe no enforced rules .. no consistency... is gonna break me faster than someone too strict.. do you know what i mean?? )
i dream of christmas break - two whole weeks - where my life will be mine to offer to Sir.. no outside responsibilities tugging on me.. when i don't have any schedule to follow except His........
i dream of a time when i can kneel at my Sir's feet 24/7 and be content with the kneeling... i dream of fairies and fairy dust and dancing on the rainbows.......

It is always a good thing to have dreams...... and a fairy snowball to wish upon...

thoughts...

Well it has happened again...... my subbie brain is bouncing around from here to there to eternity........... it has to come out or i will explode... (the reference point for most of this blog is from Sir’s blog )

Somedays i feel i can't win for trying...... i have a number of faults....... and i know them!! One of them being that i am anal ...... absolutely anal!! ....... about things having a place and being in their place. Mostly because if i don't operate that way i lose things.. and then i get angry/frustrated cause i can't find things. It is also a trigger for me.. losing things.. not being able to remember where they are........ how many times as a kid did i get heck for losing stuff?? i found the only way to protect myself was to be anal about where things went..... Now we all know it is the sub's job to take care of the Master's toys. i had worked out a rather neat plan for all Sir's toys... they hung on the wall in the play room. Neat tidy and i always knew where everything was. BUT.. best laid plans and all that... the toys move.. they go to play parties.. they go upstairs .. they move.... (sometimes i swear they move on their own!!) And over the last few weeks Sir has been giving me the dickens cause i don't know where things are.... and that old familiar knot in my stomach has reappeared.. Then i realized that sometimes while i am off dancing with the fairies i will put things away and have no memory where..... sometimes Sir will put things away.. and He puts them where He thinks they go best... which is FINE folks!!! absolutely fine... but i need to know where that is! when i am not dancing with my fairies..

Anyway.. all of this is to say i have been feeling stupid and forgetful and inadequate when it came to keeping track of the toys (look at what i went through over the lost cracker on Saturday night) But i was having trouble trying to explain to Sir what was going on...... and i know i made a cheeky (at least i meant it as cheeky)crack about His moving something i was looking for and not telling me.. Well on the weekend Sir moved a beautiful wooden box that sits in the living room and holds some of our BDSM toys..... i was aware that He moved it.. i heard Him move it.. i understood why He moved it......... of course when i needed the damn box.. what did i do?? i went instinctively to the place it usually is......... and then pointed out to Sir how He had moved it.. and i had thought it was lost........... (does anyone understand what i am trying to say here???? i am so damn lost)

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Ok i need a lesson in organising that does not involve mapping everything out.... i need a lesson in how to handle failure and not fall apart (in case you hadn't noticed i am something of a perfectionist and very hard on myself from time to time) i need a lesson on how to stop myself from rolling my eyes and how to keep a poker face......... and yeah maybe i need a lesson on just accepting..........
hells bells maybe... (searching for words to describe this light bulb moment) .... maybe this is all about giving over control........ maybe as much as i like to think i have given over control..... maybe i really haven't??? maybe having everything in it's place and mapped out is really a big control issue........... i am off to scratch my head about that one.........

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oh my god i am in SUCH trouble......... i am never going to be able to visit Texas.... i have more than 4 dildos/vibrators........ if you want to know what i am rambling about you have to check out The Michael’s blog and watch the video he has put up..

i will now pick my jaw up off the floor and move on.........

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Changing the subject completely...... to something a whole lot more fun.. and a whole lot more cheerful........... i am going to be changing the look of The Journey this week...... Christmas is coming and i have signed up for the Holidailies........... same as last year..... and December 1st is fast approaching.... time to get this blog whipped into some holiday spirit...........

Munches and hugs..

Sunday was our monthly munch (get together for dinner with other like minded people in the scene here in the Great White North). i used to adore going to munches .. back when.. loads of people came out (30 or more) and interesting topics got discussed.. or a sub or two got chastised.. back when..............

Now we are lucky to manage 15 people out....... and yeah yeah i get it Sir !! it doesn't take all that much organising on my part any more... BUT......... it does seem an awful lot of effort for a handful of die hard supporters .. friends actually.. and sometimes i wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to have them here for dinner..... ok ok it defeats the whole purpose of a public munch .. i know i know!! AND i also know that there are a whole mess of people out there who don't have any sort of active community to 'munch' with so quit my bitching...........

Anywayyyyyyyyyyy.. This month it was even more difficult for me to get showered and changed and get my ass out the door cause it was our Canadian version of the American Super Bowl......... and my all time favourite team "Alouettes" were playing...... but being the good sub i am (stop choking!!!) i did shower and change and get my cute lil ass ready ........

When i went downstairs to join Sir.. there He stood .. tack bra in hand... with that evil wicked grin.. only Doms can get .. on His face. i struggled into the tack bra.. feeling every pin point prick like a needle being inserted. i held my breathe while Sir tugged and tightened and shifted and arranged everything just so. Then off we went.

At the munch......... Sir took great delight in having me greet everyone with a big hug... Everyone of course was more than willing to give me bear hugs... especially once they learned i was wearing the tack bra. The really good thing about the munch..... they had a large screen TV and i did get to watch (between hugs and gasps) my dearly beloved Alouettes lose to the BC Lions.

Thankfully.......... Sir left Monday morning with no further damage to my bruised, spotted and aching breasts.........

(i have posted to the photojournal - see the link at the right)

ouch

Now i don't want to be known as a whiner.... BUT ......... after Friday's session with the tack bra dontcha think that my breasts deserved some respite???

BUT ohhhhhhh no... after an absolutely fun day with Sir Christmas shopping and putting up Christmas lights and planting reindeer (do ya think i will grow a reindeer tree??) Saturday evening found me in my usual spot lying at Sir's feet watching TV.

At some point Sir moved around so that He was positioned directly above me..... His hand reached down and pulled up my snuggly sweatshirt exposing my breasts............. Then He began to squeeze them .. and slap them.. and grab the nipples pulling them directly upwards as far as (no no .. farther than that !!!) they would go... squeezed them tight.. shook my breasts... and then after a twisting turn released the nipples allowing the breasts to plunk down (plunk down is the best description i can come up with!!)

At one point i tried to grasp His wrists to slow Him down?? discourage Him?? i really have no idea why i thought i could change His plans by grasping His wrists........ to prevent knee jerk grabs at His hands i landed up lying on my hands..... and focusing on the different sensations between pinching, twisting, pulling, and shaking. There really IS a difference if you take time to notice........ honest !! true !!!

i am left wondering if Sir's Christmas spirit is manifesting itself in tit torture........ stay tuned.. when i figure it out i will let you all know!!!

transitions.......

psssst come close.. do i have a blog for you... all about transitions !!!!

Usually my Sir is pretty much like Raheretic (swan's Master) .. He just expects me to be there when He arrives....... there is no little ritual that He uses to get me there.. i am just expected to be there!

On Friday when i drove into the parking lot of our little condo.. i was half surprised to see Sir's car already tucked into it's space. i mumbled a little bit under my breath that i had the time it takes to empty my car and walk to the door - to pull myself through the transition and be there !!! i entered the house and stood looking (dumbly i might add) at two black bags sitting by the front door. i lifted my eyes to see our friend and Dom - Clouddarklight - sitting in the wing back chair in the living room - there truthfully aren't any words to describe the tableau that played out in front of me.. or inside me!!! My heart was pounding and i wasn't the least bit sure of what was going on... was i going to be sent to the kitchen to make coffee?? was i going to be gestured to come and sit at Sir's feet???

i was told in no uncertain terms to go upstairs and strip and bring the tack bra back down. Everything seemed to move so fast.... the tack bra was strapped on.. and pulled tight.. i picked up Cloud's black bags and carried them down the stairs to the playroom.......... Sir and Cloud were busy discussing where i would be hung........ (the chains won out) and without a "by your leave" i was strung up and the quirt was removed from its place of honour on the wall and was being used on my ass..... i gasped ... my mind was racing to catch up.. just 15 minutes ago i was getting out of the car - dressed like the teacher i am.. carrying my purse and briefcase and all the outward signs of a woman in control....... and here i was naked (except for the tack bra) hanging from chains in the ceiling being stroked and hit with a quirt.....

Just a small side comment here........... having a tack bra on... good and tight.. and then having one's arms stretched to the limits clipped to chains .. tends to bring ticky tacky pin prick ouches to the underside of one's breasts (more so than just normally wearing it) .. but i wasn't worried.. i had been here before.. no matter how much it hurts.. no matter how much it feels like my breasts are being slowly mauled and turned into raw hamburger meat.. there is never a mark to show for it..kaya promised.. never a mark!! .. i was calm .. i wasn't worried !!

Sir and Cloud took turns for a bit working over my ass with the quirt... then Cloud selected one of my least favourite tawses and started to work on my ass... Sir was using the quirt on my pussy and bra covered breasts... There was a fair amount of bantering going on between the two men... my mind was trying very hard to keep up with it all.. the talking/bantering.. the pain on my pussy.. on my breasts.. on my ass...

Then Sir suggested that it was probably a good time for Cloud to bring out the new toys He had made......... i have been the "toy test dummy" before for Cloud's toys... and i knew for certain that the only thing that WAS certain was that the next few minutes were gonna be lessons in surprises .. and pain........ and different sensations...

The first toy Cloud used felt .. in the final analysis.. razor sharp......... biting cutting slicing into my skin........ it got a rating of 9 out of 10 (cause i never ever give a 10 out of 10!!) This toy had me dancing my subbie jig of pain........

Cloud handed off that toy to Sir and reached for the next one.... While Sir was flicking away at my clit jewelry and breasts (still wrapped safe and sound inside the tack bra) Cloud went to work on my ass with the second toy...... i remember murmuring it felt pretty much like a flogger - much like my "stings like a thousand bees" flogger only with a little less bite.........

The Cloud reached for the final toy........... final being literal and figurative.......... that one nearly finished me off.. it felt much like a whip.......... with a hell of a wrap around..... more than once the tongue would lash around my hip and catch the edge of my pussy...

Sir was working on my breasts.. but every once in a while He would wander around behind me and i would feel the tempo pick up.. feel the sting that only Sir can give me.. and then Sir would wander back around and go to work on my breasts again........ at one point.. and for the life of me i have NO idea what toy it was .. but the toy caught the bra and flicked one of the tacks buried inside.. i let out a yelp that could have been heard at the North Pole i am sure !!! Sir moved over and undid the bra and let it slide up ........... He gleefully pointed out that my breast was bleeding... i glanced down to see .. yes .. i had been impaled on one of the tacks... more than one.. but one was bleeding...... all the while Cloud was busy working away on my ass and tops of my thighs..

It wasn't long after that that Sir and Cloud took me down ... and Cloud left to join His wife for dinner.. and i was left curled up at Sir's feet with fairies whispering in my ear..... welts forming on my ass... and pin point holes left in my breasts from kaya's tack bra........... KAYA!!!!!!!!

calling all strong women.........

i was reading a blog that asked the question..

how does a submissive go from this.............
to this...............

and as much as i came up with a fast glib answer - the question has had me thinking this week..............

because ....... you see......... one of the toughest things i have to do in a week is change my mind set from "boss" to "submissive". Sometimes when i get home on a friday afternoon i am tired and exasperated and find it very difficult to bite my tongue and curb my needs / temper when i walk through the door. It is like the submissive me is hiding and just doesn't want to come out.......... i want an easy transition..... i want it to happen in the car driving home.. i want to be naked on my knees when i enter the house (which is NOT possible so don't go there!!)

i can't be the only submissive who lives in the "real" world - the vanilla world - and has to make the transition........... what helps you ?? Is it something YOU do?? or something your Dominant does .. that helps you make the transition.........

Friday is two days away.......... can i say HELP?!!!

long time

It feels like such a long time since i had anything juicy.. anything BDSM .. to write about here..........

It doesn't just FEEL like a long time .. it has been a long time!! i thought i had lost the urge.. the desire.. the need......... i was inches away from panicking... what happens to old subbies??? Is there an old subbie home for them to limp away to ???

It has been a month of fighting a virus (that trust me folks i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy) .. a month of adjusting to new meds that have left my muscles sore and strained and achy.. (or was that the virus?? ) It has been a month of being sleepy by 9 p.m. It has been a month of little or no focus.. desire.. or laughter.. In short.. it has been the month from hell.

But... just to remind me who was really in charge of this old body.. on Friday night i was awakened from a long winter's nap .. to feel Sir pushing me roughly over onto my stomach.. feeling his hand work its way into me.. feeling it caressing me.. deep inside.. finding that special little spot that woke me instantly......... the grogginess .. the whinning .. the oh my god He can't be serious!! all vanished with the touch of His hand....... i remember clutching at the pillow.. lifting my hips to meet His thrusts.. begging for release.. and of course.. release being granted........ i remember snuggling up to my Sir's back... enjoying the warmth and security and the absolute joy that He still found a way to use me.. that He still wanted to use me............

And then on Saturday .. for fun.. Sir fastened clothes pins to my soft pink bits.. i screeched and whined and moaned... the pain was wonderful.... it soothed me .. in a ridiculous sort of way.......... i lay at Sir's feet and was thoroughly enjoying it.. when He decided in His evil way .. that He absolutely HAD to have a cup of coffee...... COFFEE??? that meant finding a way to work myself up to my feet without doing too much damage to said pink bits... i shuffled rather than walked.. legs spread apart to avoid pulling too much on the damn clothes pins.. feeling my face blush as Sir laughed at my antics and snapped picture after picture of me shuffling along.. clothes pins dangling.....

And then the time came to remove them.. and Sir asked me.. "all at once ..or one at a time?" ONE AT A TIME of course !!! my god.. what was He thinking .. all at once.. geeeeeeeez !!! And so He tugged at the first one.. and i felt Him sort of shaking it.. pulling it.. and i opened my mouth.. and in such a good subbie way asked "what the hell ARE You doing??" And He laughed and said "This one is stuck on .. good and stuck!!" And with that gave a might heave.. (ok ok it felt like a mighty heave!!) and off it popped... Fortunately none of the others were quite so stuck on......... Once freed from the evil bite.. my hands flew down to check.. to make sure everything was still where it should be...... and it was.. of course !!!

And today.. Monday.. sitting in my office staring at the computer screen i had this tremendous urge to feel a flogger again.. or a cane.. or a whip......... and i realized i may have turned the corner.. the virus may actually have lost its strangle hold on me.. and life may once again move forward..........

11th month 11th day 11th hour

i have just spent the last hour sitting at Sir's feet watching the Remembrance Day Memorial Service from our Nation's Capital on TV. It is something i have never done before.

The program began with eulogies from some of the funerals of men who have died in Afghanistan - it was almost too much to watch as two young boys wiped tears from their eyes at their father's funeral.

And then the cameras moved to show the vets sitting at the War Memorial, under umbrellas and wrapped up in plastic rain coats as the rain beat down on them. It was almost too difficult to watch the emotion in their eyes, these old warriors, who come each year to lay a wreath in remembrance.

A number of years ago i - in my naive way - thought that one day soon Remembrance Day would be a thing of the past... the old warriors are dying off... Did you know there are only 3 veterans still alive from the First World War?? Their average age is 106. The average age for veterans from the Second World War is 80something. The average age for veterans from the Korean War is 74. But now there is a new "war".. and the average age of the soldiers from the Afghanistan 'peace keeping mission' is 30 something.

Remembrance Day is not soon going to be a thing of the past..... and i can't help but think .. more's the pity.

i long for the day when on the 11th day of the 11th month at the 11th hour we will all celebrate peace......

HUH??

Yesterday i went and checked on the Holidailies site.. for those of you who have just joined me here on The Journey...... last December i entered the Holidailes and posted every day from Dec 1 - Jan 3 or something like that.... and i was thinking it was time to check and see if it was time to sign up again..... for some stupid reason i rather enjoyed the discipline of writing every day........i love Christmas .. love the lights the sounds the smells the music... i even changed my blog to reflect the Christmas season and my devotion to Holidailies.........



Now i have to add here - for those of you who weren't around last Christmas - that my Sir is a GRINCH... a total complete Grinch!!! One is more likely to hear Him muttering "bah humbug" than Merry Christmas.......... and yet .. it always amazes me who hides the most gifts under the tree.. who wants to drag ME around Christmas shopping for just the RIGHT gift for some one special !!

Now i should have seen this coming........ last weekend we were out shopping and Sir bought the new grandbaby a Christmas present !!! and it is only November !!! i should have seen this coming... but i didn't....

(editorial note here......... i have been having trouble dealing with a virus - i am into my 3rd week with it.. AND the Doc gave me new meds to control my blood pressure which are working just fine thank you very much - and making me feel really yucky!! so Christmas is not exactly a holiday i am looking forward to )

Last night Sir suggested that i find the Christmas lights for the house...... (suggested really means "order") and i kinda whined and muttered cause i HATE putting up the lights... even though Sir has bought a new fangled gadget to help get those lights up there......i just don't have the stamina or energy or desire to do much more than think about Christmas lights...

Then this morning i got an email from Sir.. sent to my daughters as well... inviting us all to a Tree Decorating event (in December thank god) !!! now i know i said my pressure is much better.. but let me tell you !!! i nearly had a heart attack when i read that... could it be?? is it possible ?? that MY Grinch's heart grew 3 sizes this year????

So....... i am guessing by the end of this weekend....... my house just may resemble this....
and like it or not.. Christmas will be celebrated with all the bells and whistles of years gone by..........

One more time.......

Remember these guys?? the bull dog clamps??? i am beginning to think they are fast becoming Sir's favourite task for me. Last evening Sir was out for dinner... so i got busy and did paper work, cleaned the office - you know what i mean.. got things done - after all i wasn't expected to be online at 8 pm.

Well slap me upside the head!!! At 6:00 pm just before Sir left for dinner.. He sent me an email that required that i put two bull dog clamps on my pussy lips for 15 minutes... remove them and masterbate with my favourite vibrator BUT not to cum. Then at 8 repeat procedure. At 9 take my bath and then go to bed and masturbate till i cum. Great.. only problem was .. i didn't log on till after 8 to receive this task email! What a rush trying to fit everything in before the 9 o'clock bath time. i had to report to Sir this morning that as much as i did orgasm after my bath.. it wasn't a particularily earth shattering one.

Welllll guess what folks?! Sir is working tonite.. and i got an email when i arrived home reminding me of this fact.. and ordering a repeat of last night's tasks .. but on schedule!!
Two nights in a row of bull dog clamps???!!! and i thought i was gonna have another night free to get the cleaning done........... oh welllllllllll such is the life of a subbie........ and maybe Sir won't notice the hair balls under the couch ??

no spring chicken......

It was brought to my attention this past weekend that i am no "spring chicken"........ i never gave it much thought.. the age people who drop by here would assign to me... BUT when i look at the blogs i read.. and calculate their ages.. they are mostly young 'uns. Certainly young enough to still be raising their own children.. and struggling with all the ups and downs of parenthood and juggling a BDSM lifestyle.

i on the other hand am on the other side of spring chicken........ where they have pms .. i have menopause..where they have kids and kids schedules .. i have grandkids.. where they juggle BDSM and hide the toys and the play.. i have an open play room.. and virtually no hiding anymore.... and where they have health and vitality i have aging bones and an aging body that creaks in the mornings and yells at me regularily.

Only problem is....... my mind doesn't see me a day over 30 (ok ok probably more like 4 or 5 years of age if you listen to Sir!!) But somedays i feel as though my body has betrayed me... i should be able to bend into a pretzel shape for Sir's bondage.. in my mind i can!!! i should be able to burn the candle at both ends and not be any the worse for it........ unfortunately i have trouble burning the candle at one end anymore !!!

What would i trade for my youthful body / mind and soul again??
NOT a damn thing !! i earned every creaking bone/joint.. i earned every grey hair on this head of mine.. i earned every bump and bruise i have on this road of life.. trade that experience away ?? not on your life !! That is not to say there aren't days that i don't bemoan this aging process... the doctor's visits to tweak meds to keep me healthy.... the days when the body just doesn't want to jump through hoops .. or run the extra mile...... BUT on the whole growing old is not for the faint of heart or weak...... go back and find my blog on the purple hat......(hope you have more luck than i did......) but i will quote the last few lines of that poem........

Maybe we should all grab that Purple Hat a little earlier.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen within her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole.
But true beauty of a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows,
And the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows

contemplating my navel

It has been a tiresome weird sort of week.......... started on Monday when my doc decided to tweak my meds ... and diagnosed that i had some weird and wonderful virus that was slowing me down and making me feel like something the cat dragged in.. (great time to tweak meds!!)

The rest of the week was spent (literally) dragging myself off to work .. trying to survive 7 plus hours there.. then finding the strength to drag myself home again.... usually for a brief chat with Sir.. a bath and bed...

In the mean time the new meds decided to work over time and my body has been struggling to deal with what the medical profession calls normal.. but what my body doesn't understand......... all to say i have been flip flopping between being light headed.. sleepy and just plain dopey (NO comments from the peanut gallery about my being dopey thank you very much !!!)

This weekend i had managed to find enough strength to be semi human again.. so Sir and i went and did a wee bit of Christmas shopping (and don't get me started on Christmas !! the usual yearly compromise plans have all gone to hell in a handbasket and i am wondering if Christmas will even happen in this lil house) And then last evening we went off to a friend's 40th surprise birthday party.

If there was any doubt in anyone's mind that the combination of virus and new pills was dragging me down..... it was all banished this afternoon when Sir applied clothes pegs to my soft pink bits .. oh yeah AND my breasts.. and i managed to fall asleep!!!! Go figure!!! and trust me when i say .. it hurt like hell when they came off.. my sleeping body bonded (literally and figuratively) with the clothes pegs .. and it was all one BIG OUCH!!

And i am still contemplating my navel .. looking for answers to age old questions... like peace in our time and feeding the multitudes with 5 loaves and fishes..... knowing in my heart of heart my beliefs can not all be wrong.. or all naive.. and somehow somewhere there is an answer.......... and one day mothers won't feel guilt and children won't hurt.. and what is that quote ........... the lion will once again lay down with the lamb........??

the road less travelled...

Wellllllllll sometimes i do believe i am like a pussy (cat that is!!) know the expression "curiousity killed the cat - BUT satisfaction brought him back??" i have started to notice more and more blogging 'buddies' are switching to the new beta form of blogger.......... and i was sooooooooo curious.. what new challenges lay ahead???

So being me... i had to do it this morning.. when i really should be getting ready for school.. ready for Sir's arrival this afternoon........ but ya know .. i just had to try it... had to !!!

And so i am off to take the road a little less travelled and explore the challenges of this new path............. it would seem nothing much will change for you......... even my archives and links everything have followed me willingly ................

And so it begins......... again.

Just funny...

Now this is just funny......... kaya had one of these quizzes on her blog today... one of those quizzes that i usually can avoid.. but this morning it seems i have a virus on my pc .. so i am busy scanning and can't do much else.. so i took the quiz... now don't ask why i wanted to know what kind of American accent i have.. seeing as i am Canadian.. but hey.. this quiz is pretty damn accurate.. check it out...........

What American accent do you have? Your Result: North Central "North Central" is what professional linguists call the Minnesota accent. If you saw "Fargo" you probably didn't think the characters sounded very out of the ordinary. Outsiders probably mistake you for a Canadian a lot.