Tuesday, February 21, 2006

thoughts on pain

Searabbit asked on Sunday’s blog "how do you manage the pain?"

i wish there was an easy answer to that question.. i really do. It would make life so simple for me and everyone who wants to know how i handle it. First off i have to say i am the world's biggest wimp when it comes to non-consentual pain - like toothaches or headaches. But let Sir pick up a whip or flogger and i am wiggling in anticipation.

And when i think about how i handle the pain - it is a bit like trying to see into an onion - there are so many layers to the "handling". If the session is a "nice" one.. where Sir starts off slow with lots of soft toys and touches and caresses .. it is easy to handle the pain. And i am ready for the next hit.. the next level .. where He takes me up nice and slow.. and plays me like a fine tuned instrument. The rhythm of the pain surrounds me and comforts me and makes me feel like i am floating on the waves in the ocean on a nice hot sunny day. It doesn't take long for the rhythm to take over my brain and it doesn't hurt at all.. it is just a.... i don't think there is a word to describe the feeling....... it just feels soooooooo right !!! so good!!! so sensuous!!

But if Sir decides to have a hard session .. then it is much more difficult for me. i once told Sir i find it so hard to only feel the pain.. it is like it is coming from somewhere out there..... it is like Sir is not there. There is just the toy and the pain. And i feel a bit isolated and alone. Those times it is very difficult to find the rhythm.. to float along with it. More often than not .. during those times.. i more or less grit my teeth and steel myself to take whatever Sir hands me. Most times i land up crying and stamping my feet.. and the crying releases all the pent up stress inside me... Eventually i find my center... it is difficult to explain.. sometimes it is a reflection of light on something shiny... or it is a spot on the wall.. or floor... but i find my center and concentrate very hard on it.. and on my breathing.. i slow my breathing way down.. relax my body and just let it all go .... and then there is no pain..... just thuds and a floaty feeling... what i like to call my fairies calling to me... and i follow them down the rainbow path.

There is also the need to please Sir. To offer myself up to Him to do with me as He wishes.. to feel His strength and command over my body. i center my mind on His need not on my needs.. or the pain.. just on Him. That was a tough lesson to learn.... because it doesn't just have to do with handling the pain.. it also has to do with His desire to NOT play .. to not use me. i used to sulk and pout when a weekend would pass without a good session..... i would feel Sir was bored with me.. was wishing for some excitment i couldn't give to Him. i am slowly learning that it isn't about what i want .. but only about what Sir wants. i also know that Sir has all my best interests at heart.. and sometimes He can see what i need.. or more importantly don't need .. better than i can. i am learning to trust Him with my whole being.

Sometimes during a particularily difficult hard session.. when i can't hear my fairies .. (like on Saturday) i just hang on.. by the skin of my teeth .. and focus on the snuggling that will happen after.. the caress of my Sir's hands not to bring pain but to bring comfort and love. The most wonderful session may be one where i have not heard my fairies.. where the pain has been nothing but PAIN .. and i have muttered kaya's favourite safe word "stop mother blankety blank blank" over and over, and when it is over Sir cuddles up on my pillow with me.. and holds me close. Who needs fairies and rainbows when one's Sir is there to hold you???

And sometimes i handle the pain.. just to hear the words " littleone you have made Me proud".

And of course there are the endorphins.........if you want a scientific explanation you might want to read this article........but all that matters to me is that since that first shot of endorphins flowed through my system..... i have craved them.

i don't know if this answers your question searabbit....... but i tried.

1 comment:

  1. I think you came pretty close if not right on


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