Thursday, July 25, 2013

Fine tuning

When I came to Kingston 3 weeks ago - W met me with a hug, a kiss, and a permanent collar.  It was very tempting to put the collar back around my neck where I felt it belonged - no - more than that - where I desperately wanted it.  But something stopped me.  I asked if we could stick to the schedule of 3 months.

You see - before I came up here permanently - W and I had been working on a contract - both legal (a necessity for the Ontario government) and private - a BDSM contract.  It was my request that I be collared within 3 months of arriving here. Something made me insist on a waiting period.  I hadn't thought about it - the number just popped into my head and after the fact it seemed like a good idea.

I figured 3 months would give us both time to adjust - to work out the kinks (so to speak) and meld together as more than a couple - but as a Dominant / submissive couple.

We had always agreed that if the BDSM part of our relationship didn't work out - we would still live together as friends/roommates.

I have been quiet this week - here on The Journey - because I have had some internal struggles this week.  I don't know where they came from - or why.  But there they were - again.  And again - believe it or not - it was over food.

Ok maybe not food per say - but - damn I am not even sure I can explain it ............ 

I had noticed that W was coming to help more and more in the kitchen at meal times.  It started off with W just making his own breakfast - which is FINE with me - as we have discussed in the past - I am not the brightest star in the early morning - or the most cheerful / graceful submissive.  But W had started coming into the kitchen at lunch time - making his own sandwich while I made my lunch.  At first I was shocked and a little bit upset.......... then I did a shoulder shrug and figured fine if he wants to make his own sandwich - it's no skin off my nose.

But then - Monday night.  W had said at noon he would probably have left over pizza for supper.  I did some quick calculations and figured I could have a toasted bagel or something.  But then around dinner time W announced he wouldn't have the pizza - that he thought he might cook up a hamburger - or some noodles or something.  

I know some of you may not get this.......... but I felt as though He had torn the "consideration" collar right off my neck.  IF I now wasn't going to even make his dinners for him.......... what was I gonna do for him??? How much of a submissive was I if I wasn't even making his meals?!!

I cried - my heart was broken.  I managed to twist his making one supper around to mean he didn't want me as his submissive.  I cried because the dream I had to live 24/7 with him was disappearing in a puff of smoke.  I didn't know what to do - I didn't know what I had done!  (cause ya know I must have done something!)  I thought he liked my cooking - I thought I was a reasonably good cook - I thought my making meals and cleaning up made his life easier - and if it wasn't - then what was the point of me being here??

Then  Tuesday we worked together on the guest room - finding space for some of the leftover "what do we do with this" stuff.  I then cleaned the upstairs - dusting vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom.   And once again life felt as though it was running along smoothly.

Then I decided it was time for me to take some control of the kitchen,  buy ingredients I need to make dinners, make menus.  

AND then I decided each morning to suggest to W what I had planned to cook for dinner.  So yesterday I took off by myself and went to the grocery store with a long list of stuff I needed for "my" kitchen.  Now I am ready to whip up interesting meals for W... last night for example we had barbequed chicken breasts and potatoe salad (W loves potatoe salad!)

God only knows why I thought W didn't want me as his subbie over one dinner - or why I wasn't good enough to be his sub ............. but some fine tuning on my part - and we seem to be back on track.


Ana said...

Sometimes we just OVER think don't we? I'm glad you've found a way through the negativity.


Hermione said...

Planning ahead is a good idea, and so is discussing it together. We always plan our meals ahead of time. We even have a weekly menu sheet that I print, with spaces for 3 meals each day. Then we know what we are going to eat, and who will make it. We each have meals that are our specialty, but we usually cook dinner together with one chef and one sous chef.


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