Fine tuning

When I came to Kingston 3 weeks ago - W met me with a hug, a kiss, and a permanent collar.  It was very tempting to put the collar back around my neck where I felt it belonged - no - more than that - where I desperately wanted it.  But something stopped me.  I asked if we could stick to the schedule of 3 months.

You see - before I came up here permanently - W and I had been working on a contract - both legal (a necessity for the Ontario government) and private - a BDSM contract.  It was my request that I be collared within 3 months of arriving here. Something made me insist on a waiting period.  I hadn't thought about it - the number just popped into my head and after the fact it seemed like a good idea.

I figured 3 months would give us both time to adjust - to work out the kinks (so to speak) and meld together as more than a couple - but as a Dominant / submissive couple.

We had always agreed that if the BDSM part of our relationship didn't work out - we would still live together as friends/roommates.

I have been quiet this week - here on The Journey - because I have had some internal struggles this week.  I don't know where they came from - or why.  But there they were - again.  And again - believe it or not - it was over food.

Ok maybe not food per say - but - damn I am not even sure I can explain it ............ 

I had noticed that W was coming to help more and more in the kitchen at meal times.  It started off with W just making his own breakfast - which is FINE with me - as we have discussed in the past - I am not the brightest star in the early morning - or the most cheerful / graceful submissive.  But W had started coming into the kitchen at lunch time - making his own sandwich while I made my lunch.  At first I was shocked and a little bit upset.......... then I did a shoulder shrug and figured fine if he wants to make his own sandwich - it's no skin off my nose.

But then - Monday night.  W had said at noon he would probably have left over pizza for supper.  I did some quick calculations and figured I could have a toasted bagel or something.  But then around dinner time W announced he wouldn't have the pizza - that he thought he might cook up a hamburger - or some noodles or something.  

I know some of you may not get this.......... but I felt as though He had torn the "consideration" collar right off my neck.  IF I now wasn't going to even make his dinners for him.......... what was I gonna do for him??? How much of a submissive was I if I wasn't even making his meals?!!

I cried - my heart was broken.  I managed to twist his making one supper around to mean he didn't want me as his submissive.  I cried because the dream I had to live 24/7 with him was disappearing in a puff of smoke.  I didn't know what to do - I didn't know what I had done!  (cause ya know I must have done something!)  I thought he liked my cooking - I thought I was a reasonably good cook - I thought my making meals and cleaning up made his life easier - and if it wasn't - then what was the point of me being here??

Then  Tuesday we worked together on the guest room - finding space for some of the leftover "what do we do with this" stuff.  I then cleaned the upstairs - dusting vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom.   And once again life felt as though it was running along smoothly.

Then I decided it was time for me to take some control of the kitchen,  buy ingredients I need to make dinners, make menus.  

AND then I decided each morning to suggest to W what I had planned to cook for dinner.  So yesterday I took off by myself and went to the grocery store with a long list of stuff I needed for "my" kitchen.  Now I am ready to whip up interesting meals for W... last night for example we had barbequed chicken breasts and potatoe salad (W loves potatoe salad!)

God only knows why I thought W didn't want me as his subbie over one dinner - or why I wasn't good enough to be his sub ............. but some fine tuning on my part - and we seem to be back on track.