I came to "Heron clan land" with a bit of an ulterior motive. I really truly needed to step out of my world - walk away for a little bit - get a different perspective and then go back.
But it would seem ever since I got here I have been stuck on one aspect of life/living.. stuck as in cement and cannot see my way around it.. over it,... or through it.
I am old.
I have lost that "come hither" teasing flirting part of me ........... where did it go?? cause I know it is gone. At least on the outside.
Inside I still feel very sensuous and sexy and yeah horny too!! But it doesn't translate to the me that the world sees. When did that happen?? How did it happen???
Last night I had 2 glasses of wine.. the music was playing and I was laughing and moving to the music and Raheretic made some comment about how I should have wine every evening.. how relaxed I looked how much younger I looked. It was meant as a compliment I know that !! But when did I need a glass of wine to look relaxed and young??? WHEN THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN???
In my head I am still a 30 something... with all the drives and needs of a 30 something... in the mirror there is a woman looking back at me that I don't recognise.. When did she appear??? Can I make her go away?? I don't much like her.. this woman I have turned into..........
A few weeks back Sir F was having a discussion with me about males.. and how it is really easy to have a one night stand - a no strings attached sexual encounter. And all I could think was "yup easy for you - young and perky and fresh and daring" but definitely not easy (maybe not even possible) for me - this older woman.
And so I am left wondering ......... am I destined to grow even older with my cats.. and my masochism.. and be labelled that crazy old masochist????
Is it too late to become the poster girl for "In praise of older women"???