I know I know !!! I do tend to rant on and on about these self proclaimed experts in BDSM....... It is a real pet peeve of mine........
I also don't much like people who lie......... and for some bloody reason I seem to feel I have to "out" these liars ......... instead of just letting go..........
And I have a real hate on for people who are two faced..........
AND I hate - really HATE - how naive I can be - and how trusting I can be - and believing I can be. and how easy it is for someone - or more than one someone - to influence me.
Where the hell is my bloody back bone????
Last March when my relationship with W and being a submissive came to a screeching halt....... there were (obviously) many problems. One of them were the rules I had to live by - the protocols and rituals. And I have admitted more than once - that instead of using my "knee jerk reaction" to handle the situation I should have sat down with W and discussed it..and tried to work out my struggles - cause I WAS struggling... and I didn't bother to tell W..............
BUT instead..........
I listened to the people around me...... people I thought I could trust..... people who seemed like "good people" who seemed to have my best interests at heart.. people who said they couldn't stand to see me hurting and wanted to help.
These were the people who convinced me (no backbone on my part - none whatsoever) of a number of things. The first being that no ...... NO...... strong independent woman (or man) could or should live with protocols or rituals. No strong independent woman (or man) would consent to living a D/s lifestyle. These were fantasy not real life. These "well meaning" people had no use for protocols or rituals or D/s and could not understand any one who did.
Because I was angry and hurt and lost and feeling very much alone......... their words seemed to make sense....... what was the point of asking permission to enter or leave a room??? What was the point of having to ask permission to use the bathroom??? What was the point of being naked ??? It was made very clear to me that they had no use for the way I had lived my life for the last 10 years.
Fast forward a full year............
Now I discover that one of those people who pooh-poohed protocols and rituals and the D/s lifestyle .. who was the hardest on me for following them....... is now ....... are you ready for this???
"D/s & Protocol instructor for Montreal Fetish Weekend"
WTF???
I would really love to attend THAT workshop..........boy do I have some questions to ask!!
But truthfully - in the final analysis - I have no one to blame but myself. I discovered quite quickly that there are a whole mess of protocols that I need/crave and desire. There are even some rituals that I love. That I miss (big time) the D/s lifestyle. BUT ........ because I was a spineless - lead me around by the nose - wimp ......... I am now without any protocols or rituals .. without a 'Sir' ........ without a collar....... in limbo. I realize now that they were only using me to fill a need they had ........... I was like that kid in the school yard - lost and alone with no friends - who will sell their soul just to feel they belong............
Yeah I am an expert.......... on how to screw things up royally - on how to believe /trust all the wrong people - on how to be left a little broken.. a whole lot sad.... and hurting.
Well, all you can do is walk away with the lesson. We all want to see the best in others at times.
ReplyDeleteDon't be so hard on yourself. We all question our choices, and I believe you have learned a lot this past year...unfortunately lifes's lessons often come with pain and heart ache. I don't blame you for being outraged....
ReplyDeleteHUGS..abby
nothing is ever carved in stone. so what if you listened to some people- people who may or may not have had your best interests at heart- its nothing that cant be changed again. its not like you cut off your arm or leg and can never go back to having your limbs. all you did was try something different. yes, there was a lot of hurt along the way, but sometimes that hurt helps us- makes us stronger- shows us what we really and truly needed all along.
ReplyDeleteask your Sir- and i do believe He is still your Sir ( just cause you try and label something different, doesnt mean it is really different.) about getting those things that you need back into your life- tell Him how you miss serving Him in those ways, because i bet He is missing it all too. you both have a bond that is strong, dont let pride or whatever get in the way of you finding your peace. maybe you wont start off full blown where you were at before- maybe you both will decide to bring back one thing at a time and work from there.
im also thinking, maybe those people who told you you shouldnt be this or that back then, maybe they werent liars, or two faced- maybe at that time they really believed all of that and were giving you their best advice. everyone is allowed to explore themselves and different things. thats really what we all try to do in life, figure out what we need to be happy and full filled. sometimes we give out advice that we shouldnt,but in the end i dont really think anyone tries to give bad advice hoping to ruin anothers life.
like i said, things arent always carved in stone- search for your happiness and grab it.
lots of hugs,
Hisflower
hugs softly
ReplyDeletecommunicate with your One , because looking from the outside in, He is still yours , and dont let the people who tried ( and please note i say tried) to destroy your relationships win. i personally dont believe that anyone but yourself and your Sir can allow it to happen.
Live and if needs be beg for what should be yours back and if need be walk away from the internet and all others influence bar His until He feels you are ready to come back.
i will miss you if this happens because i love reading your writings, no matter what form they take ........but do it for you and Him...
It does seem to me, looking at things from out here, that you and W are re-creating a relationship that may work better for each of you than what "was." I hope that is true. I also know that it is hard to be patient with things in a state of flux. Not knowing what will ultimately come out of our new insight and clearer awareness and understandings can be agonizing. I don't have advice or answers. All I can offer is a hug. I hope you can find some joyful moments and that there will be more of those as time goes by.
ReplyDeletehugs, swan
More hugs, from the far side of the planet :)
ReplyDelete